Day 1,380 of Domestic Violence – Loneliness

Why is it that I feel like the loneliest person in the world? I always thought I was a good person who helped out a friend in need but maybe not?

Maybe I’m not as nice as I thought! I say this because of the many friends and family I have had in my life, not one that of them I have asked has helped. Granted a lot of I haven’t asked out of pure embarrassment I think? I’m not too sure because you’d think if I was that desperate I would asked anyone and everyone.

Wouldn’t I?

I lost the future I was dreaming about yesterday! Well maybe I lost it a long time ago and I just didn’t want to be honest with myself. I thought that if I was the first person he called when he got to where he was going then I would be the first when he got back?

Not the case.

Yes the writing was on the wall but I needed to ask the question anyway.

The stupid part was when people actually told me ‘he won’t be able to do it’ I brushed them off. I was told this by mostly people who didn’t know us and that was easy to brush off with the thought, ‘you don’t even know him’. I talk about possibly being in denial a lot. A lot of he time I will just pretend to not see if for what it was but unfortunately for me I believed him. That’s the bit that hurts. I don’t hate him or want anything but the best for him. I just wish he felt the same about me.

We did get separated for a period of time for reasons out of our control. I know it was a scary time for him but for me it was a living nightmare. When I got a moment to myself I read his letters and dreamed that he was with me. I honestly believed everything that came out of his mouth. I saw the change in his face, the thought processes mature and I dreamed about this happy ending to a life seemingly riddled with unhappiness. This was the one thing keeping me going I think. The little girl inside me that believed in a prince now finally realizing what the world is really like. It’s like realizing that mummy isn’t like the other mummies or the ones from TV. Mummy yelled a lot and drank too much and that’s why dad left.

Maybe I jumped up and down too fast but this one hurt. He was a big part of why I had confidence over the past 10 or so years. We managed to stay friends despite it not working the first time. I don’t know what to think about myself now.

I’m not much of a lady but it still hurts to realize my putrid fairy tail is not to be and that I possibly was stupid to think it would have been possible anyway.

So now what?

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Published by Diaries From Domestic Violence

I am a mother of one, artist and blogger from Australia. I write children’s books and want to introduce awareness education for children in all schools. This is my journey from domestic violence and beyond. Where it will end up is anyone's guess. Share in my story....

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