Day 1,380 of Domestic Violence – Loneliness

Why is it that I feel like the loneliest person in the world? I always thought I was a good person who helped out a friend in need but maybe not?

Maybe I’m not as nice as I thought! I say this because of the many friends and family I have had in my life, not one that of them I have asked has helped. Granted a lot of I haven’t asked out of pure embarrassment I think? I’m not too sure because you’d think if I was that desperate I would asked anyone and everyone.

Wouldn’t I?

I lost the future I was dreaming about yesterday! Well maybe I lost it a long time ago and I just didn’t want to be honest with myself. I thought that if I was the first person he called when he got to where he was going then I would be the first when he got back?

Not the case.

Yes the writing was on the wall but I needed to ask the question anyway.

The stupid part was when people actually told me ‘he won’t be able to do it’ I brushed them off. I was told this by mostly people who didn’t know us and that was easy to brush off with the thought, ‘you don’t even know him’. I talk about possibly being in denial a lot. A lot of he time I will just pretend to not see if for what it was but unfortunately for me I believed him. That’s the bit that hurts. I don’t hate him or want anything but the best for him. I just wish he felt the same about me.

We did get separated for a period of time for reasons out of our control. I know it was a scary time for him but for me it was a living nightmare. When I got a moment to myself I read his letters and dreamed that he was with me. I honestly believed everything that came out of his mouth. I saw the change in his face, the thought processes mature and I dreamed about this happy ending to a life seemingly riddled with unhappiness. This was the one thing keeping me going I think. The little girl inside me that believed in a prince now finally realizing what the world is really like. It’s like realizing that mummy isn’t like the other mummies or the ones from TV. Mummy yelled a lot and drank too much and that’s why dad left.

Maybe I jumped up and down too fast but this one hurt. He was a big part of why I had confidence over the past 10 or so years. We managed to stay friends despite it not working the first time. I don’t know what to think about myself now.

I’m not much of a lady but it still hurts to realize my putrid fairy tail is not to be and that I possibly was stupid to think it would have been possible anyway.

So now what?

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