At times I have thought that maybe there are no good people left on the earth? Are we due for that zombie apocalypse? End of days I call it!! My friends would have heard me talk about ‘End if Days’. Something tells me maybe I was just looking in the wrong place? Is it a case of shit sticks together? I find myself in two worlds but even the ones that frequent the darker side, ones I have known for as long as I can remember but may have lost contact with for what ever reason seemingly are in the same boat.
Is it a case it letting some good in and the rest will follow suit?
I don’t feel as if I am putting out any different vibes but maybe I am? Maybe when things are all doom and gloom the people around us sense that more than we realize?
Sometimes I feel that all of this has the potential to be bigger than me. At times, for some reason there is a dark cloud that hanging over my head just waiting for anything good to come along and ruining. Not before I get a little bit of hope that it may be different? Why is is that certain people are not happy with themselves so the poke me when I’m down? Or better yet taking my pain and rubbing it in my face when things look like they might be improving. (If you don’t like who or what I am maybe you should look at your parenting skills because I am just a reflection of how well you did)
I know a lot of my misfortune is due to me! This is not a blame game or a space for people to feel sorry for me but there have been quite a few times where the universe seems to have decided it was not going to have my back. If everything happens for a reason or karma exists then what is it from my past that has caused me to deserve punishment or to learn a lesson so big or for so long? I wish I could work it out as it would make a lot of the tough times easier. I have always found that once I understand something I can almost tick it off and deal with it head on. The confusion or the feeling of not being heard makes things scary for me and that is when I mess up, meltdown or become frantic. There have been quite a few of these times in my life where I have felt this so I have developed a pretty major anxiety and panic response to these situations which doesn’t go well. I have at times found myself in public, curled up in a heap crying, or noticeably panicked in front of the anyone and everyone and stared at by complete strangers. Once upon a time I never would have let the world see that way. It’s a bit like me being so open now with my problems.
I was always taught and I’m not sure by whom but to smile and pretend that I’m ok. I did that for a long time. When I originally went to therapy over 10 years ago for my first addiction, I had to learn how to talk and be open with people. My therapist and I would do all the work through email. I would sit in my face to face appointment and he’d say ‘so how was your week?’. I would answer ‘yeh really good’. In my head I would be thinking ‘just spit it out Carly! You had an awful week, tell him because you need help with this and you are doing a really shitty job on your own’. In the end nothing would come out, I would then go home where I would write and write and write and send it to my therapist. In that email would be the dramas of the week and anything plaguing my mind. He would email me back and this is where my ‘real therapy’ would take place. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. Years ago I would never have posted anything online in case anyone I knew read it!!
But I am not scared anymore of how people see me or what they think of my situation. This is my reality and although I would like it to be different it’s not so here I am.
Reality is a funny thing. Someone’s reality can often be someone else’s nightmare. Is it fair for us to judge how a person might react to certain issues and how they choose to deal with them?
Despite what we think we would do ‘in their shoes’, we are not all given the same tools or chances that others are. In my future I hope to make some sort of difference to those around me. I want to focus on those who are within my reach and might just need a hand. There have been a few people in the past few weeks that I would love to work closer with and think they will make a difference in the future. They are not only strong and independent woman but they have a vision and are strong enough to make that vision known to the world for no other reason than they care.
One in particular I think will be a reminder to us about how precious this life is. I hope to get to know her better in the future. I want to help her get her message out there and know she will be an inspiration to us all now and into the future.
There is also a certain law student who I look forward to getting to know a little better. I believe she is destined to make real change and excited to watch as it unfolds. Her passion and determination is infectious and I find myself enthusiastic and ready to get moving on these issues every time I see her!
Two others are the perspectives and issues surrounding domestic violence from a male perspective. Two brave guys I know and love dearly have so far agreed to tell their side and I am very grateful for their involvement. Domestic violence is very much seen as an issue predominantly effecting females due to the stigma and lack of services for men.
Maybe not so much mine but some of the people within my world have a backstory that will make this world an even more interesting one in the end.
For now it seems today is the big day, I sign my lease in about an hour and I hope that this is where my new life begins. Until then I’m gonna keep up the fight ad best I can for as long as I can.
This doesn’t have to be as hard as it has been and I swear when it’s different it will stay different. I cannot wait to help the ones around me that need me to be strong again.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 