Yesterday I found myself without my headphones. I never realized just how much of a crutch they had become for me when I’m on my own.
Spending time on my own is the most confronting and feels the realest. Luckily I am still pretty practiced in the art of pretending like the rest of them. You know the ‘I better do a big fake smile cuz they’re looking’ but really its been the worst day and I’m contemplating what the point of it all is. Yep that’s the one! You see if you look ok and you seem ok then you must be ok right?
Why is that?
Are we ashamed of not being as close to perfection as we’d like to be? Or do we just care so little about everyone else that, if they were to ask us then maybe we would feel obligated to ask them if they are ok and we really really just couldn’t give a shit about anyone but ourselves?
I don’t mean to be so dramatic but after so many not so nice things have happened it’s taken a tole on me. More so than just emotionally. It’s the physical signs I am starting to notice. The uncontrollable, almost nervous ticks my body seems to be consumed by every now and again especially when I’m on my own. As I walk through the city all I can think about is how much I wish I had my headphones right now. It’s as if the world got brighter and everything is so much noisier than it ever has been before or needs to be. I feel panic and a huge pit in my stomach. I have a feeling like pins and needles creeping up from my lower back and the hairs starting to stand up. I start to panic but I’m not sure what about. I really just wish I had my headphones to make it go alway.
My new house though feels like home, it’s weird because apart from a couple two floors down, I don’t know anyone in the area. It can be a big bad city sometimes, filled with over a million people. Although I grew up not far from here it’s new. In the past when I’ve spent time in here it’s been beautiful bun on my own there is the potential for anything to happen. Some parts of this town are dark and scary. Comforting the thought of my secure home felt like a home right from the start. It’s warm and cosy. I miss my son though. The city is probably not the best place for a child but it doesn’t stop me from wanting him here to cuddle up with! I’ve been spending my time now that I’ve cleaned up and put everything away doing my paper work for which I have a mountain of. It keeps me busy and helps make my head feel more in control of my own life which I haven’t felt has been the case for some time now.