They talk about ‘Daddy issues’ as a joke sometimes but to be honest they are more real than we like to think.
My father was an angry, self righteous, physically and verbally abusive, controlling mess and still is to this day. Most of my life I have been told ‘that’s just the way he is’ as if I should just accept that behavior and allow it to continue. Well no. I’m sorry I won’t have it in my life. It was a few years ago now that I decided to stand my ground, tell him what I thought and take back what he has attempted to take from me. What was that? For a long time this was a man I was terrified of and by letting things go he took my confidence and my right to feel like I mattered.
He does not and has not currently got a place in my life. Part of this is his choice but mostly mine. This is a loss for him not so much for me as I get my examples currently from two men who have been I my life for a long time, my amazing godfather and very good friend who took me walking when I was at my lowest.
A lot of this early damaging behavior from my father translated to relationships I was in and I was putting up with controlling behaviors, eventually physically abusive behaviors and allowing them to make me feel like I was less than equal to them.
Today. I fend for myself and do a pretty good job of it. I have a job in which I can support myself, a home of my own, this blog, I manage to feed myself, cloth myself and on the odd occasion help out someone in need. All the while not having a man.
I still though most times invite men into my life that share a lot of the same qualities as my father. The ones that turn up when they feel like it, as if their stuff is more important so I should sit around waiting for them instead of expect them to be there when they say or at least let me know there’s been a delay. I make a joke about ‘you should have let us vote’ or ‘they make our feet smaller so we can get closer to the washing up’ but that’s my way of saying ‘hey it’s not the 1930’s get a clue’.
So over time they have all looked different, from different backgrounds and different personalities. They all seem to share the same quality which is someone who really when you look at them doesn’t have their shit together at all. They do however have all the opinions in the world about how I can fix my life but seem to put none of their own advice into practice. They seem to think that my schedule should come second to theirs and while it’s acceptable for me to sit on the edge of my seat waiting for them, if the tables were turned would be horrified or simply wouldn’t accept the same treatment from me.
So although I have identified the issues here I do not seem to be changing the behaviors. So much so I am beginning to frustrate myself at times. Purely out of frustration I’m tempted to tag you all in this but I won’t. That would be nasty on my part and not conducive to the outcome I’m seeking. The sad part is for most of you who I know for a fact read these, and there is more than one. This will go completely over your head. I am not perfect and I’m aware of this but you too may also find yourselves alone in the future, if not then it will probably be with someone who is not seen as an equal or with major self esteem issues that they settle for less than they are with and that is the saddest part. We are all worth the same and worth having people in our lives who encourage us and make us feel equal.
No more not less.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 