On the days leading up to releasing a video to help promote my fundraiser I feel nervous about letting it all hang out there. It’s one thing to tell people in passing but it’s another to expose myself to the world.
I have not been an angel whilst on this path but a lot of really unpleasant and unfair things have happened to me. Some that were out of my control.
I was talking with a new friend about the mistakes we make along the way. He felt bad for giving up and detouring from the path of getting his kids back. I’m of the belief that beating ourselves up constantly causes us to spiral even more. How someone deals with their pain or trauma is personal and it annoys me when the world and it’s finger pointers ask us the obvious questions like ‘why didn’t you leave?’. Thank you Captain Obvious!! I sometimes think it’s an attempt to make us feel bad or maybe to portray themselves above us. My answer to that is usually ‘really because I baked him a cake, I didn’t even think of leaving!’. Can’t people just quietly listen or give us constructive criticism?
I personally like the line ‘you can’t change the past but you can prevent the future from being any worse’. Let’s face it we are the ones that have to live with it, we are the ones who have to do all the hard work to change it and we are the ones that have to look our kids in the eye and tell them the whole thing one day, no one else.
So here I am. I’m still in one piece, little bit shaken but for the most part ready to take on the world. I am still very much unlucky in love but my want to be the best mother I can be has not changed.
To my boy I love you more than you will ever know. In the end it will all make sense and this will all be a distant memory.