I remember the day I climbed all the way to the top of Mt Tibrogargan. I hadn’t left that relationship yet but I felt like I could do anything after that!
Fast forward to today…..
Sometimes I find myself asking what is the point? I can’t remember the last time I felt content with life or a space in time where I could just relax.
Getting up everyday just to ‘fight’ through this life is exhausting and it doesn’t ever feel like it will get any better. Sadly I find myself thinking ‘maybe it was easier before?’. Maybe staying in that relationship was the lesser of 2 evils? I know that’s not the right way to feel but I at least had more money then, I had a stable job and most importantly I got to be with my son. I have virtually been shut out of his life completely and missed them his seventh year. I hate my mother and will never forgive her for that. I can’t ever get that back.
I lay awake some nights wondering if he going to be ok after this? What if he ends up an addict like I did or permanently damaged from all of this? Is me finding my voice and standing up for myself worth that?
Why do I feel guilty all the time? It’s just not supposed to be this hard is it? I just want to wake up one day and not have the million dramas I worried about yesterday flood back through my mind which never ever seems to get a rest. It’s as if sleep is the only thing that I can do that is not stressful. The issue is I can’t get anything done while I’m doing that and it just puts me further and further behind in this race we call life.
It’s things like calling Telstra the other day as they cut my phone off AGAIN. Why? Because they did not receive a faulty phone back January. It’s September! Now I called them over the week end to tell them the Australia Post incident number AGAIN. I was hung up on 4 times before I lost the plot. I had to explain to every single person I was palmed off to ‘the situation’ and I was left wondering ‘don’t you people make any notes?’. That coupled with my personal favorite, ‘can you pay the $1,300 today. Really? Is there anyone on this planet that sits on the phone trying to work out a payment schedule when they have the funds just sitting there, not allocated to anything else but instead of paying the bill they have some sick fetish and secretly love sitting on hold to a phone company. It’s not a thing but thank you for proving just how stupid a person can be. Sometimes I wonder how they managed to put pants on and walk out the door that morning without needing a lay down from all the hard work that took. Now while this is happening I just so happened to be at work trying to do that, not to mention it was draining my battery. A battery that my duress alarm runs off as I have been the victim of stalking before. Surprise surprise my battery did not make it so I anxiously walked home in the dark from the train station. Upon charging my phone when I got home I realized I had an email saying that I had until the 10th of October to pay. Ok great maybe someone at Telstra has a brain? I was wrong and my phone got cut off. Wow. Over 3 hours on the phone again. I’m sorry but what the fuck? Why can’t I just put a phone in the post pack that is provided and 9 months later not be haunted by the fact that it didn’t arrive where it was supposed to. That is one of the what feels like trillion dramas that just don’t need to be.
I feel like a cranky old bitch most days and maybe that how it happens? We’ve all met ‘that old lady’ before! You know the one that you question if there was anything that you could have done that wouldn’t have made her the worst person on earth to deal with. Maybe she was once me questioning why the world seems to be against her? Maybe after so long you just snap? Maybe she was once a really nice person but just couldn’t take it anymore?
Is that the reason she’s ended up alone? I mean my dating resume isn’t that spectacular, hi my name is Carly. I’m 32, jumpy, I have a million grey hairs that weren’t there 2 years ago, I don’t speak to my family and am in court currently battling for my son and while we are talking I have ten million things running through my head like money, debts, who I have to email, my son and the guilt I feel etc but I’m good how about you? Never mind what I like please just don’t display any controlling or aggressive characteristics because I will flip out ever so lightly. Even if you don’t I will probably have some sort of meltdown because I am severely damaged but due to not being able to find myself in a position financially I haven’t really started working on that trauma. Wow what a catch!
It doesn’t really matter though because I couldn’t afford to go out anywhere to have a chance encounter or magical date even close to the one I just described. Where am I going to find the cash to even buy a drink considering some fortnights I am left with $304 a fortnight after rent? I can barely afford the basics so it doesn’t really leave me with money to go out. I brought a sandwich for lunch today while I was in the city & thought to myself ‘what a treat this is’. How sad is that? But that comes with having to watch every single non existent cent.
I just want to not be consumed by all the drama and for my head to be quiet and content for once.
Maybe that too big of an ask? Maybe the world needs cranky old ladies to maintain balance. Maybe this is the only way to create that truly awful to be around old lady? Maybe I’ll give the next one I encounter a hug rather than write her off like I normally would. Maybe she’s just like me and needs a bit of a break rather than to be labeled? If only we had all the answers how much easier this life might be.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 