Even though most of my confidence has returned and my voice loader than it has ever been in the past I still struggle. I struggle to trust myself and my decision making when it comes to certain areas of my life.
Every now and again the universe throws me a curve ball in the form of someone that stops me in my tracks. They say that with age comes wisdom, well I have never felt so clueless in my life as I do right now. I wouldn’t say it was improving either because the older I get the more I throw my hands in the air and wonder ‘what the f#*k?.
I often wonder if this is another case of that part of me who still has faith in people or isn’t as broken by what has happened putting rose coloured glasses on me again? With a child like naivety that has lead me down a path I’ve traveled so many times before. It’s not because she wants me to fail but because she, in a way still believes in Santa and that when you become an adult you have all the answers. Unfortunately she is blind and this is in a way a good thing because she doesn’t let the past consume her driving people away.
I somewhat think there is a yin and yang effect happening and where one ‘hopeful and full of faith’ exists the polar opposite too must exist. That opposite doesn’t drive people away because she hates the world. More like a defense mechanism to protect while I repair any damage. Sadly due to past experience she does not discriminate, attacking anything that comes close just in case.
I know that they both need to exist but it’s a bit like watching your own life from an outside perspective. I find it hard to balance the two and probably end up looking crazy in the end. I know I feel crazy sometimes.
How do I trust what I’m feeling?
Now without this coming across as a ‘poor me’ speech, I do feel like I have not had the best luck. I never had a scrapbook or a vision of my ‘wedding day’ or anything like that. To be honest this is because I have a massive fear of standing in front of a bunch of people while they all quietly staring at me. Then I think to myself ‘I have to feed these people and I’m sure I don’t even like half of them’. This terrifies me and is the main reason I’ve never had that ‘special dress’ in the back of my mind. In no way am I shy it’s that I just do not like being the centre if attention.
The world has been my oyster for so long now but as each failed experience is added to the list the scars are beginning to show and I am tired. Nowadays I don’t trust myself or my judgement when it comes to men especially and I don’t know how to change that.
Ordinarily it can take me less than a minute to work a person out and very rarely, although it has been known to happened am I wrong. I have also been known to use this to my advantage in the past and I’d like to say it’s only been for good but let’s face it I’m only human. I do however feel that I am a good person and wish more than anything that there was only a need for the part of me who believes in happy endings, who loves love and all the nice warm fuzzy things in this world but that’s not realistic and she would never survive a minute out there alone.
When it comes to my own life though, for as much as I know I still find I am completely clueless it seems. Whether that is denial or I just don’t actually get it remains to be seen!
So if I feel one way how can I trust I haven’t found another dud or walked into another trap? Even though everything inside me screams ‘this is something’ and it looks to me like the other person has the same ‘good’ intentions how can I be sure? I try not to put myself in a position where I become dependent on someone and very much do my own thing but I would like to not become a lonely, cranky old spinster!
I read somewhere that telling someone my past, concerning domestic violence wasn’t a good idea. It was suggested that it makes us susceptible as we essentially ‘give away’ all the tricks we will and won’t put up with! Like telling a shark what time the seals swim and which one is injured. I see where they are coming from with that theory but when you blog about domestic violence, campaign for changes surrounding domestic violence and spend most days trying to make a change where you can it’s not exactly something you can hide!
Does that mean I’m destined to be alone?
I know that along the way I’ve met some woman effected by it and for lack of better words it seems they have become ‘man haters’. Now I don’t mean any disrespect and I wholeheartedly see where that has come from but I don’t think being born male makes you Domestically violent. For example I walked into a community domestic violence organization last year as I was donating some mirrors I had made for their walls. I had attended this service myself for assistance and while I was there I thought it was sad how bare their walls were. I had asked the caseworker why there was nothing and had they just moved? She told me it was because every cent goes to helping their clients and even that was a stretch at the best of times so even thinking about jazzing up the office was out of the questions. This is why I decided to donate something. I went in with a male friend who was helping me carry the mirrors and upon seeing him everyone’s ears seemed to prick up and they started saying ‘it’s ok he’s safe’ around the office. The friend of mine could feel the millions of eyes on him and felt like a freak in a freak show. I can remember thinking, ‘hold on he’s a person’ and wondered how they went out in the real world where men roam free!
It’s situations like this that led me to look into men who are the victims of domestic violence. If this is the reaction to a male presence at an outreach centre to someone who is not the victim or perpetrators then imagine being a male victim and getting this response. There is already a massive stigma surrounding men who speak out about being the victims of domestic violence. That coupled with a response like my friend helping me carry mirrors got I can only imaging would be devastating and extremely difficult to stomach. I dare say most men would give up and run away at that point. I don’t think that we can believe any of the statistics we have right now surrounding male victims of domestic violence. I believe there are more that are not documented than there are documented.
Growing up gets harder and harder it seems. Let’s hope this leads to a place where we are all a little bit kinder to one another!
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 