Next week is his birthday. Next week my son turns 8. He had not long turned 6 when she lied and used manipulation on even myself to turn everyone against me and trick me into signing over temporary custody. I will never forgive my mother for what she has done and for his this has all turned out. I know that I can’t but more than anything I want to grab my son and scream her name while pointing her out to everyone in the street. I want them to see what kind of cold hearted and evil person she really is. One that can laugh in the face of her own child after learning about something tragic happening to them.
I’m not going to begin to say I’m not at fault here but apparently even if a person has done wrong as long as you have a common enemy or you are on her side she will threaten, lie and burry the truth. I am a mother myself and I find it a disgrace and cannot fathom any of it. Its difficult to explain to most people because for most people they love their mothers.
Through connecting and talking to people over the past few years and since this has all happened, it still amazes me just how many people don’t have a great relationship with their mother. I guess that’s because I am a good mother myself. I love my son and want nothing more than for him to be happy. Loosing him has fueled so many of the mistakes I’ve made and the reason for me struggling to get back on top. Loosing him was like loosing a piece of my soul. At times now I forgot what it’s like to be a mother and that is another reason I shut down and switch into a mode of destruction as a means to distract myself from the pain. Pain which feels so overwhelming at times it leads me to thoughts of contemplating my own existence. I know that would be letting my son down but half of that is because I don’t feel like I can live with this pain and the other half is because I see the torment she inflicts on my son. Although he is clean, clothed and educated where he is I worry about whether he’s getting his emotional needs met, rather after being raised by that woman I know his needs aren’t being met. My stepfather is amazing though. He is however highly anxious but deep down he is a good guy. He is someone who I am so grateful was in my life growing up because I’d hate to think who I’d be without his influence. I made the decision to not accept his continued support of my mother and no longer have him in my life. This is more for me as it’s me finally for the first time in over 30 years not only believing I’m worth more but proving to myself I’m worth more.
She tells me constantly that it’s not the case and what I need to do to fix my life. This in itself fuels the decisions I make. If anyone needs to be taught a lesson by having their child taken it’s her, 30 years ago. That woman helped set me up for a lifetime of pain and suffering. Some of the most basic of life lessons she neglected to pass on and have been the reason I have not reached whatever potential I was meant to reach.
I’ve about had enough of this bullshit we call family court and the blind eye or possibly blatant laziness it must take to not read important documents they ask is to submit. I could care less about the bullshit clause 121 which prevents us from making public the wrongful goings on. They can send me to jail for all I care but good luck. How will you justifying sending a single mother with cancer and who was the victim of domestic violence and rape followed by severe stalking and wrongful termination to jail for simply having enough and publicly making it known. I have my issues and I have made my mistakes but it seems I’m the only one who is willing to be open and honest about it.
I want to be different and to be honest I have become different and I am so glad of who I have become. Despite being the worst two plus years of my life I found my voice and belief in myself. I haven’t changed and truly am a person who is worth something because I am honest, kind and want the best for the people I love. I will though not accept or make allowances for those people I love and causing unnecessary damage to my life or the ones around them. Being honest to ourselves it seems is near impossible for some of us and I just don’t have time for it. It’s causing me to have a shorter rope for the ones who deserve it and it’s sad when I can’t expect a simple I’m sorry and for them to make the change or get out of my space.
‘Be who you are and say how you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 