DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Recently I’ve been asking people the question, ‘what do you think needs to change or what’s it going to take for men and women to get along finally. How do we stop damaging each other so much and just get along?’. My ‘funny answer’ to that question is ‘sterilisation and brain damage’. At this point not even I have a good answer to that question and let’s face it I always have something to say, i’ve been told I could talk underwater.

This is something a friend so lovingly pointed out to me today. Thank you for breaking it to me so thoughtfully and for the magical trip to Byron Bay today, it won’t be one I forgot anytime soon.

There was some sarcasm in that comment but mostly sadness because looking into his eyes gave me a sense of what it might be like looking into mine sometimes.

When I first met this heartbreaker I thought ‘here we go, I wonder if I’m going to suffocate in this room considering he’s stealing all the oxygen’. Not many people fool me but he did for a short while but then the cracks started to show and I began to see that maybe under what looked like an egotistical monster on steroids and never wearing a god dam shirt was actually a really lovely guy.

Ok so today we went on a road trip/accidental date I think you could call it? I’m still confused how it happened albeit there are never really any accidents like that in this life are there? An accidental date isn’t really ‘a thing’ is it?

Now I’m home. I’m sitting with my lovely male friend who is saving me from myself at the moment and for good reason. I’m finding that all I can do is laugh about the entire experience.

Why?

Well I think that was possibly one of the most amazing dates I’ve been on?

Amazingly good or amazingly bad?

Well both!

Granted while it was a horrifying experience and at times he came across awful I also spent time with a truly lovely, sweet, sensitive and funny soul. Is this a case of what starts out seething in the gutter must go up and finally end in a spectacular shit show? Maybe he’s just much nicer when he has socks? So he will get that reference. I could say that is if he reads down this far but I know he will and that’s the funny part.

There is nothing like calling a man old, pointing out his outdated phone or played him a song with the lyrics, ‘I save your number in my phone and then erase it’ saying, ‘it’s about you’ to really charm the pants off him. That was the only line I felt comfortable sharing as it’s pretty bad.

Funny but bad.

Now this ‘magically horrifying experience’ ended with us yelling at each other for a while and me getting out of the car and walking the rest of the way home. Look he was at least nice enough to drive me closer to where I was staying as it was going to be a big walk from where I originally offered to get out of the car. Maybe half a point for that one?

Why was it possibly one of the best?

Well somewhere in the middle of this train wreck of a day a totally different person appeared. Something told me this might even be the real him coming out? I even began to see he struggled to be horrible and didn’t really even want to be a dick at all?

Turns out he is actually a pretty funny guy but most of all not an idiot like the rest of them. Despite what you think it was actually refreshing and yes you called it, I am bored but not of life. I’m bored of finding experiences which are a waste of time and full of people not worth my time.

Please keep in mind I have a fairly dry and playful sense of humour and I can be a pain in the ass to say the least. While at my core there is a lot of love and genuine care and kindness for everyone it has been damaged overtime as has yours. It’s a yin and yang effect and where you find something, I can only describe as pure, a darkness also exists to balance it out. It’s been the only way Of preventing me from becoming one of them. Someone who consciously stabs you in the back only to look you in the face with no remorse.

I often wonder if we are the aberrations or they are? I guess that depends on whether good existed before evil? All I know is I am different and for that subjected to unfair treatment at times. Not in all cases as I’m no saint. Someone suggested it’s because I repair easier than most? So accepting blame for some people is difficult and it takes more away from their ‘sense of self’ whereas someone like me who can more than most see things for how they really are. I do not need as many of the lies we often tell ourselves to justify my actions. I am human and I often fuck up but I don’t do anything towards anyone else without first putting myself in their shoes.

How’s it working for me? Only time will tell I guess. I’m still here to say the least.

It’s not often I am a serious person because for me it is not comfortable at all. and I think life is about spontaneous things but mostly laughter. I’m sorry if you got offended, it was said in playful fun and I actually found myself not wanting to be anywhere else for a brief moment. I said ‘I’m sorry people have done this to you’ why? Simply because that guys doesn’t seem to come out very often and despite what you think of my opinion and it’s worth, I at least think that’s a shame because he is lovely.

Life is hard and it’s not always going to be full of loving stares or bullshit soulmate moments. My grandfather was like my best friend and he gave me some advice a long time ago which has stuck with me. He told me to find myself and then find someone who wasn’t going to save me but walk with me, why? Because if there ever comes a time where they needed me to be the strong one I needed to be able to step up and vice versa. Life is not fair and it’s not going to end like fairytales, there is no prince and it’s about finding someone you can say something like ‘I wanna grow old and miserable with you’ and mean that even years down the track with a smile.

Yes I’m odd at time but the best way I can describe myself is by saying, all my weirdness is on the outside and I don’t ever have any skeletons that come out. There are a lot of reasons for that beginning when I was a child but mostly I’m trying to work out what’s happening in my own life. In life people can take you on a detour with their bullshit and lies. I know who I am and where I am going. Better yet I know what I want. I have wasted enough of my life so to be blunt, if you aren’t a decent person with a similar goal I really couldn’t be bothered wasting any more of my time.

Now back to my story,

So suddenly playful banter came back to me but this time in the nicest way. His remarks were quick and witty. He suddenly went from being a person who repelled me and I found I was looking at someone just like me. This person knew he had made mistakes overtime and maybe the negative consequences he had felt in this life were justified at times. Mostly he looked exhausted and really just over trying to make the situation better or be better himself as it seemed to bite him in the end anyway.

I remember him holding me tightly which made me feel safe. This isn’t something that comes along very often in my life unfortunately. I got a sense that just like me he just wanted to feel safe and for a brief moment just breathe. As he stood behind me with his arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders, I felt his head drop down onto my neck. I felt a massive weight lift off him and he quietly sighed. Momentarily it all seemed to melt away as he sat so very still. Everything inside me wanted to just put his head in my hands and say ‘me too’.

Despite it going downhill on the way home and even taking into account all the other less than desirable experiences I’d had concerning him that is the moment that haunts me. I know what living with that much pain is like. I don’t know how to fix it but I’m sorry. If I work it out I will let you know but thanks for hanging out with me today even if it was only for a short moment. His smile made me totally forget about the haircut and if you promise to hang in there I will too. Surely it can’t last forever can it?

I have to finish this with something for me. Although I have understanding and I can see through a lot of it, I did not deserve to be treated that way. I am not asking for anything other than the respect I gave you. You are not so pretty that you get a pass for poor behaviour. I wish nothing but the best of you and do not want to punish you despite today. Please see that we are not all the same and if that part of you wants to hang out again let me know but I am not on this earth to play a part in your puppet show. Unfortunately I star in my own shit show and just like I’m sure yours is almost unbelievable mine is a bit the same. Let’s say if you ever want to meet somewhere in the middle maybe you’d get a better response?

One thing I will say is just as you were not able to leave a token behind in Byron Bay, it seems either was I. Honest truth is that would be a first for me so well played! Frustrating as hell but you got me so I will pay that!

I knew you’d turn out to be smarter than your average bear!

For me. Well a really special lady told me the first time I met her a few years ago that I wasn’t going to be happy until I turned 33.

Well tomorrow is that day.

Let’s hope she was right!!