It’s hard to explain to someone who obviously cares about us how after a while this fight just seems pointless. I know they care and I know they mean the best but if you had to live even a fraction of the horrors I’ve lived in this lifetime I wonder where your head would be at? I know there are stories out these bound to be worse than mine. Thinking of that fact makes my heart almost stop.
Even if we disregard the existence of any god, surely no one deserves to endure an existence like this one? An existence filled with conversational narcissists, emotional mooching vampires, drama magnets, jealous gossiping liars or human bulldozers destroying anything and everything in their path. These empty vessels wasting anyone and everyone’s valuable space and time all seem to work together in some juxtaposition like paradox, yet it is contrary to what they will have you believe is really going on.
Today was not my favourite day. Today I left a family court report assessment in tears. I finally said out loud to someone who’s opinion counts,
‘I wholeheartedly regret speaking up enough for the police to take out a domestic violence order 2 years ago. If I could I would have stayed with him and done whatever he wanted because had it not been the fluke intervention of a select few over these past two years, I would have successfully ended my life by now’.
That statement makes me sick. What is even worse is the fact that I am not a minority and there are so many others, some whom have reached out to me through this blog who feel the same.
The overwhelming theme which frustrates the hell out of me surrounds substance, how much, when, where? Why are we looking at a symptom and completely ignoring where it stems from.
‘Treat the issue not the symptoms!’
Why have I used substance? The simple answer to that is,
‘When you don’t like your reality you alter it with drugs, alcohol or some other form of distraction. When you love your reality you don’t want to alter it so your vice is no longer needed’.
The saddest part about my statement is at some moments over the past two years no amount of drugs, alcohol or anything else were making my reality bearable. Despite wanting nothing more than to have my son home with me and for my life to be something other than this I can honestly confess I wanted it to end. Had it not been for a few friends of mine intervening at the right time I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here.
Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss. So many people I believe get it wrong. For most the initial response is to tell someone it’s selfish and ‘call me if you think that way and I will stop you’. I’m sorry but for me personally that is not what I want to hear nor is it even close to the response I am looking for. To also suggest that someone who threatens suicide, more than likely won’t do it is also ludicrous. Please bare in mind this is my personal opinion but I think that maybe when they say ‘not everyone who does it leaves a note’ this is because the ones who do leave a note are at peace with their decision. Anyone who doesn’t I believe is reaching out for someone to notice. That for them if their ‘reality’ doesn’t improve then this is where they are headed. I believe the ones we find who haven’t left a note, then possibly what began as a serious cry for help and tragically went wrong. Resulting in them loosing consciousness or what ever the circumstance was but no one was around to get to them in time.
For me, a little over 12 months ago I wrote a note. I found myself in the darkest place imaginable and wanted to be set free. Had it not been for the intuition of a beautiful, funny and ever so smart 12 year old girl who picked up on my unusual behaviour I wouldn’t be here. If she had not made her mother come home instead of going straight to work I would have succeeded.
‘I have never wanted to actually die, of course I want to be here for my son. The issue is my reality is going to stay this way and not change then I don’t wish to continue.’
It seems it is a domino effect and by my being here so is someone else. Last week I preformed CPR on a man who suffered a overdose. He was a friend of a friend and I didn’t know him that well but nevertheless when he turned blue I felt compelled to do what I could. The scary thought is that had it not been for me he probably would have died. It bothers me that some people are more worried about their own arse than a persons life. Despite not being up to date on my first aid for many years now I did what I could to help him. I wonder if any of the four other people there were going to call an ambulance? Please people remember they are paramedics and want to help save lives, had they wanted to throw people in jail they would have become cops. It actually takes a few years at uni to become a paramedic and they are closer to being doctors than cops!
He spent the next few days in hospital but upon his release we spent the day together. Now me getting to the Gold Coast was about the only task for that day so he came along. Despite everything going wrong and the two of us suffering from the same affliction, being too polite to make a firm decision, him more so than me, we made it in the end. I had a really lovely day with him. We talked like old friends, had an adventure, had some dinner and then I went home. I even now feel the urge to text him to see how he is going. He was quiet and softly spoken but if you take the time to listen you will notice that he is simply lovely. He has a big heart and cares about everyone who comes into his life. A bit like me he is disheartened at times but still has hope that things will get better and maybe people will do better.
Where to from here? I hope it’s a better reality soon as I want to enjoy a future with my son. To my new friend, I’m glad we met and if you promise to keep going so will I.