The way I could describe you is the same way I would love someone to describe me. You are funny, smart, quick witted and a beautiful person who I know has the potential to do amazing things. You are kind and genuinely caring which is not easily found in people these days. You see those around you when others walk by which is beautiful and don’t ever loose that quality about yourself! Life is about causing the least damage to those around you not things. Things can come and go but experience can never be taken away from you.
What can I say? It’s hard being us. Very much so I want to be here but at the same time this life feels like a cruel joke. I have seen my friend from school, work colleagues and family members slot in nicely to this world. I’m not delusional in thinking it’s all roses for them or that they are living a fairytale but when I think some of the ‘hardest lessons’ I’ve had to learn or some of the things I’ve had to overcome I can bet my last dollar that their struggle has not been a fraction of what mine has been.
I have lost count of the amount times the lesson had been one so cruel or harsh that it has changed me but probably not for the better. I have lost count of the times the outcome has been simply ‘too bad’. I have lost count the amount of times it has been clear injustice but nobody listened. I have lost count the amount of times it has contravened my human rights but no body cared.
I have reported rape and been left like I was nothing by police. Only to endure further acts of violence and still nobody cares. Even after that still finding the strength to speak out but the outcome the same. My son was kidnapped but police wouldn’t do anything. I was told ‘this isn’t going to be easy’ by the officer who took my statement after months of domestic violence. This being after they told me it was the only way to stay safe. My greatest regret is standing up for something so many ad campaigns tell me are my god given right because I lost 2 years with me son. This is why I make so much noice now but even then I’m threatened and they attempt to silence me. People have lied to keep my son from me but somehow got away with it. It’s not right and it’s not fair but it’s ignored by those who make the decisions. In the end I can’t get the time back so what do I do other than regret the entire thing. No apologies will mend what is broken inside me.
They often ask me ‘why don’t you get a job or just fix your life’. None of those statement help because the fact is I’m too broken to be part of their world right now and they can’t even see how that might have happened. I have tried to kill myself but failed. It was to make them see what they were doing to me is hurting so bad that I didn’t want to be anymore: Everyday I regret waking up because it has never resulted in him coming home to me. Some days I wonder why I didn’t do it properly a long time ago because it doesn’t look like it will ever change. I question whether I simply enjoy it now because surly I should have known it would never end.
The worst thing is I don’t even remember what it was like to be a mother anymore and that further fuels this feeling of emptiness and despair.
What have I learnt from all of this that might help you? I don’t know? I often hope it’s one of those hero stories they write books about? Not that it’s something I’m aiming for, more because those people’s stories are so out in the open that the ones who sort to destroy them can’t get close to them ever again. My life at 19 would almost fill a book and I thought that after overcoming that and ‘fixing myself’ I could never end up back there. To my surprise this life has would end up a much longer book. It would be and more intricate than being 19 and looking massive charges and being the centre of an investigation for over 2 years. All I know is I can’t do this a third time and I wish we had the ability to see the future because I want to know if we will be ok. Knowing that will make this easier and help me keep going because more days than not now I want to give up.
All I know is I want you here. I wish I had more for you because I feel that I let you down most days but I’m doing my best. I love you and want you around, you have no idea. I loved your story the other day and I love how protective of me you are. It made me feel special and worth something. Please know I feel the same about you my little brother. I hope we make it and I am doing my best to get us there!
I am a mother of one, artist and blogger from Australia. I write children’s books and want to introduce awareness education for children in all schools.
This is my journey from domestic violence and beyond. Where it will end up is anyone's guess. Share in my story....