It’s a funny thing watching someone else self destruct or push people away. It’s as if it transferred from me to you while we were sleeping. While one messed up head, hell bent on pushing the world away fell asleep the other appeared to have woken up that way.
I enjoyed waking up with you this morning. I don’t know if I have ever felt that content and safe before. I had totally forgotten where I was when I woke up so it was a slight surprised to see I was attached to your very comfortable arm which I had been using as a pillow. I had to smile because as soon as I moved in the slightest way this morning you pulled me towards you and held me tight. It was as if you had been on guard over me all night and even though you had fallen asleep you were still alert. I stand by the comment I made the other day, that I like you better when you are sleeping!
Whatever this is, is not the same as it usually is. The need to rip each other’s clothes off isn’t there as much but that’s ok I think. It’s never a feeling of rejection and it’s not as if there isn’t chemistry between us either. I know compared to normal I’m not the same but I think that I might be me just saving my energy so I can go on instead. Yours seems like it’s a case of too many damaging examples have forced you into becoming a recluse. I didn’t realise no one else went to your hideaway. Sometimes you don’t realise someone is ‘seeing you’ for you and really does think you are something special until it’s pointed out so thank you! I do feel honoured.
Although it’s not the same what I have found in its place I haven’t ever found before and I think I prefer it. For the record I am sorry about last night! I just have nothing left in me to take or many possessions to have you steal. You have been really nice, although most might see it as a messed up way of showing that it’s in good fun. I just freaked out because I am not used to being treated in the best of ways ever before. I am not sure why that is but I know my intention was not to make your life difficult.
For the life of me I didn’t want to write another one about you especially so soon but here we are. All your smug little smartass jokes about ‘are you gonna blog about it’ are so hilarious funny boy! So I write this through gritted teeth because I can almost see the fucking smile on your face right now. It’s not that funny! This is what ‘I’ do to people and while it has happened to me before, people being able to work me out and kind of see what’s going on. In other words you are one of those relationships within my life that bares no strings for me to pull. Some people enjoy that kind of thing. I have even been accused of intentionally finding them not so bright so I can mastermind the entire thing. In a way this is correct I guess. Not for any reason that is untoward though, it’s more for my own safety. They can’t hurt me as bad if I control the game and stay one step ahead. It becomes boring and often lends me to being mischievous with people out of sheer boredom. With you it scares me because it’s been established as an even playing field and this being much of the reason I melted down.
Although you make comments which make my blood boil sometime or I feel your answer is one of someone who ‘just doesn’t get it’ I know you do. I kick myself every time because I keep taking the bate and you find it hilarious so thank you for messing with me. I know it’s in good fun and you do it to stir me. It’s a bit of a wake up call about just how highly strung and full of anxiety I’ve become so thank you. Although I would find it funnier if it was happened to someone else I do see the humours side of it. I know you asked me why wasn’t I smiling last night? Well I was a little sensitive. Those things you joked about I already tell myself I think but I knew you were just trying to lighten the mood, this being the reason for the emotionless expression but not angry because I knew it was not meant to hurt me.
You were a massive dick this morning I hope you know! You could probably tell by my face? I’m not going to comment on that big girl hissy fit because just like you knew all the right things to say during my meltdown I’m going to have a crack at doing the same! So ‘ha ha you’re not perfect!’ It was a very nice attempt at pushing me away but not going to work sorry. Just for the record I think you’re perfectly imperfect and just like me worth a whole lot of someone’s time.
They say everything happens for a reason and I think you may have come along in my life just in time because honestly I was about to give up the fight! Ok so you will have a big head right now, so much so you’re stealing the oxygen all the way over here in Southport! Ha ha again I know you are not as full of yourself as you may make out you are. You do the things for people that you do because you want nothing more than for the people around you to be happy and if you are in a position to help you do. I get what you mean when you say ‘if you are in the position where I am not then I should just take the help from you’. I will do my best to be better at that but know I don’t take handouts very well and believe I should pay my way. This is only because I respect you and because you have in such a short time helped me in more ways than anyone else. This was simply understanding me and making me feel like it’s ok to be me which is all I have been asking for.
You are well aware that I can see who you are and who you are is just perfect! You are stranger than strange and secretly highly intelligent and someone who challenges me and keep me in check which right now is what I need if I am to move forward. I think I might be right when I called it, that you may be one of those relationships that helps mend some of the brokenness inside me, even if it just stays friends. Although we haven’t had the defining conversation on what we are you make comments implying it is more and I am not sure if they are serious or not? I am going to guess they are you testing the water and seeing what my reaction is maybe? My answer to you is for now it is way too soon and we both have a lot going on. I am not bothered or scared by them your comments, I actually like the sound of them one day being true. So if this continues to be a healthy relationship and we both still want to then I’d love nothing more! The catch is much like I only ever have a spot for one person and am fearlessly loyal, I only do the number one position, in fact the only position because I believe I am worth that much.
Xx
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 