Domestic violence has been a part of my life for a very long time but not until a few months ago did I realiseI that fully. People carry on with far out concepts of existence and ask questions like ‘what’s beyond the universe?’ But quite frankly I’m still trying to work out what the everyday human means and decipher actions and certain behaviours of those who present one way but mean something else.
Growing up I can remember laying awake at night a lot, so lonely and misunderstood. It makes me cry thinking about that little girl and how desperately she preyed that one day someone on this earth might love her and she wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. I imagined it was like being saved and I remember thinking that I must be the only person on the planet who felt this way. Like something was wrong with me that I was the only person no one could love.
This might explain why I seem to adopt anyone and everyone. I say the above but the feeling I had growing up truthfully words could not describe. I guess it’s a case of my thinking that if anyone of these broken birds I come across feels even a fraction of the way she felt then I can’t live with myself if I walk away leaving them alone like that little girl whom I used to be.
They say ‘be careful what you wish for’ and it would seem like I am the most unlucky person when it comes to love but this might not be the case it seems. Now not until yesterday did I finally admit to myself that I already knew that ‘one true love’. In fact I met this person for the first time 3054 days ago. This person ticks all the boxes, he is my best friend, he made me a better and stronger person just by being in my life, I would die for him, I want him in my life always and he has honestly been the only person who has loved me for me straight off the bat.
That person is my son.
Up until now nothing has really broken me but this experience and having him taken away from me due to someone else’s agenda makes me lose my mind and has caused me to almost take my own life in the past. No I don’t want to hear all the shit comments from the world about how ‘selfish’ that is because quite frankly I’m tired of listening to you all flap your weak, thoughtless and overused hypocritical mouths because simply you don’t have a clue firstly about how to be honest with yourself when it comes to your own shit but secondly who the hell decided you can judge a person on how they feel like it’s their pain. Wholeheartedly I don’t want to do it but when all that I ask is that people see that the things that have happened and the way that I feel are in fact just that. Doing the complete opposite pushes me to a place where not even existing seems like the only thing that will make it stop.
To those behind those behaviours can I ask, ‘why is it you need to be so deceitful when it comes to your approach? Why not come out and say it how it is? I mean if you want to damage me so that I never get him back then own it at least. Or maybe you know what you are doing is so disgustingly wrong that’s why you hide, lie and point fingers?’. Finally if you think that diagnosis actually fits then I’m terrified of what damage you’ve been able to inflict upon my son over the past two years. Finding an excuse to make what you’ve done ok is beyond words and maybe it’s you that needs to rid the world of your presence not me. What the hell did that little boy ever do to you to deserve what you’ve done to him?
To my son,
I’m sorry I let you down and you were mad with me the other day. I didn’t really say anything to you but that is because I know that making any excuse for it only helps me lie to myself and you’re right I shouldn’t be late no matter what.
This is all taking a massive toll on me my love and I am sorry I’m not stronger within myself to not let it effect me the way it does. I have always believed that I was good for you and I desperately hope that is true. The example I have for a mother is one that makes me sick to my stomach. I am not sure if she even knows she is doing it but it makes me question whether I am doing the same just without knowing it?
Again you are right and I will keep trying my best because you are the one thing I wished for a very long time ago! You are so worth it in the end but I’m trying my best to keep it together.
I love you my son please know that.
To you and you know who you are. I don’t know if you realise but the reason no one will show their face at any family meeting is because they can see how nuts you are! You obviously think this is a ‘do over kid’ and would explain the entire thing. While you think the sun shines out if your…… in reality everyone is awkwardly pretending it’s not real. I’m guessing they are hoping you’ll snap out if it. You’re not a saint, more an embarrassment and pathetic excuse for a mother.
See you soon.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 