Now I started this post earlier today and somehow I find myself stumped at this point. It’s possible that I’ve experienced all the emotions a human can experience in the past few hours and now I’m left in a weird space.
Life has been vastly improving in recent months but most days I feel like the loneliness person in the world. It seems almost all woman hate me and more often than not it’s immediately after meeting me. I am not too sure why that is and sadly the more I try to interact with them or get to know them the more they seem to seethe in their discontent for my existence. A friend recently said jokingly ‘all woman are sisters, they just have a different head so you know which one is yours’ and I have to kind of agree with that statement somedays.
Now due to this phenomenon I have mostly had male friends throughout my life. This also comes with its downfalls and it seems that almost every man ends up falling in love with me or they are only after one thing. Some days I don’t feel like I have any friends at all in this world.
So am I not worth someone’s time? Am I not the good person I think I am? It’s confusing because recently a friend said to me, ‘honestly people are bringing me down, and you had always made me feel awesome’ and described as, ‘this chick has the biggest heart and puts everyone else before herself.’ Both comments are really lovely and that’s kind of the way I thought I was. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of selfless saint in the making. A large part of my good deeds are done for selfish reasons. When you can’t fix your own life sometimes focusing on others shifts you attention from having to be in the moment all the time.
So why am I constantly being attacked? Maybe it’s simply a case of some sad individuals in my life obviously just wanting to destroy my spirit because they are the ones not content within themselves. Occasionally it comes with the added bonus of me being punished as a distraction from someone else’s behaviour.
So in the days following yet another one biting the dust, as per usual I text my amazingly beautiful and also unlucky in love twin, Miss Nat and say ‘turns out he’s another asshole, how are ya twinzie?’. In fine fashion she gives me the same old response, ‘all men are bastards….. all of them…. or so a badge I have says that!’ I desperately don’t want this to be the case but the examples keep piling up.
However is there an exception to that rule? What if someone who has been the reason for a lot of upset within your life and totally let you down when you needed them finally bit the bullet and gave you an honest and real answer to so many questions that had plagued you for months now? Is it ok to fall back into a friendship and genuinely care for them and show support for them despite you not being afforded the same when you were in desperate need?
For me the answer I think is yes. I am big enough to get past those things and be there. Does this mean I hold some torch or that I’m under some deluded idea that happily ever after is a possibility if I just lay down and be walked all over? The answer to that one is no.
To that person I have to say, ‘Thank you for your call tonight. Thank you for your honest answer. I don’t hate you and only want you to be happy. I missed having in my life as my friend and the fact that I questioned if that friendship was even real to begin with devastated me. I love you and always will. You need to understand that you let me down in a massive way and while I understand the reasons why at the time I needed you to either help me by simply just walking beside me or to tell me the truth and that you weren’t strong enough for us both. I don’t want to hold a grudge or to punish you until the end of time for any of it. I need you to learn from this and in the future keep that in mind if you choose to be in my life as my friend’.
The future? To be honest a lot of damage has been done now and over the years. I haven’t been perfect but I have always been the one that has to be understanding and forgive a lot of really shitty behaviour. I’m tired of being the understanding one who has to forgive all the time. Some woman have a life planned out in their heads or a dream wedding and it’s the end of the world when that doesn’t come to fruition. I’ve only ever wanted to find my best friend, to feel safe and to create a little family of my own full of love which sadly I lacked growing up. Sadly most days I feel I struggle to even matter to someone and I don’t feel anyone would forgive or be as understanding of me had I made the same mistakes. All of this doesn’t translate in my head very well in the end.
I was given by the most amazing woman in my life some really good advice recently;
‘Once is an accident, twice is deliberate and three times is chronic’.
Sound advice and I know she is completely right when she says it. I think it’s a basic standard everyone should set when being in a relationship whether that be romantic or platonic.
It’s hard to know you are worth something while a lot of this goes on. At the same time understand that most of the damage done is not personal and is someone else’s ‘self destructive behaviour’. How is it possible for a person to keep believing they are worth something when you are shown the complete opposite time and time again?
Advice, ‘if a man could control his emotions he’d be king of the world’.
A special note to this woman I feel needs to be mentioned here. I guess even though the above seems a little depressing having her as my example is a source of great strength. This amazing woman who has become my new mother and someone I can pretty much credit a large part of my situation improving. Having no natural children of her own, the moment she said to me ‘stop thanking me so much, daughters don’t thank their mothers that much’ that it was more than just words. After a really rough two plus years and no real connection to my own mother hearing that meant the world to me.
So to you Noela;
Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for loving me as I am. Thank you for the times we’ve spent talking and laughing. Thank you for expecting that I expect more from people within my life. Thank you for your advice. Thank you for seeing me when I was at my lowest and for reaching out to me instead of turning your back. Thank you for being valuable and showing me it’s ok to not be perfect. Thank you for being my mother!
What now? For me being alone has never felt so at peace. It’s a sad realisation but keeping the strong women in my life around me seems the best option at this point. Life isn’t perfect but it’s the best it’s been in over two years so thank you to all of you who have help prop me up.
Urban Dictionary says –
The most amazing and beautiful girl you will ever meet.
Noelas are easily one of the kindest people ever. They have the purest hearts and will do anything for the ones they love.
Noelas also make the most compassionate and truest friends. Likes to be the most intelligent person in any room but isn’t an ass about it. Extremely talented and artistic.
They are unique heavenly beings, if you ever see one bow the hell down. The most important person you’ll ever find in your life so never let them go. To have them is to have happiness.They have an appetite for adventure and are rebel’s just for kicks.
There is truly nothing that they would not be up for. Extremely outspoken but painfully hilarious. She can make anyone collapse into fits of laughter, if only you can make her care enough. Best kisser there is and ever will be. Hottest and the most fun in bed. But is also the most perfect cuddle buddy. Always smells amazing and has the softest skin. Noelas are extremely stubborn and can be cold when their heart is broken. Since they love hard and give you their all. They will never trust you again.
Always do right by a Noela.
Lots of love