It’s a funny thing watching new people meet. The moment where they think to themselves ‘oh my god I think I just met my bestest best friend ever’. In reality more often than not the answer to that is no unfortunately you haven’t found that. What appears to be your long lost twin or the most superdooper bestest friend in the whole world is really just someone who at the time had similar interests and depending on your level of loneliness or the lack kindness being shown to you by other humans in your everyday life, determined how ‘hard and fast you fell’ for that person at the time.

Now this is going to sound wrong I’m sure but I’m just going to say it the way it is in my head. This week I’m a little over tip-toeing around peoples precious feelings all the time so in advance I apologise…….I guess.

So most days people simply bore me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that most humans are not far off total retardation or the fact that most of them go around and from what I can only describe it as, ‘playing a part or a puppet in their own lives’. It’s as if they are in some sort of movie which in their minds is based on their own lives because they’re all so important it seems.

Nobody is real! Nobody tells you the messy bits just the glossed over shit and none of them notice that simply no one cares. Is it possibly just one big attempt to make me feel as miserable about my life as they do about their own? Why do they make up so much of their lives? Then when they get caught out they pretend like it didn’t happen? I’m sorry but for some of the bullshit made up, then dressed up as apparent ‘real life’ I’ve caught people out telling, if that were me, I’d move countries out of sheer embarrassment!

Why is no one realistic? everyone hides behind designer labels and they are too busy waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can have their turn. Again nobody is listening! You are all talking to yourself! You are all deluded!

So I asked someone I was seeing recently, who used words such as ‘I love you’, ‘if you are so smart and could see it from the beginning then answer one question. So my M####r took my son in retaliation for reporting my e# p#####r jumping all over my head and terrorising me almost daily. So why did it go wrong in f####y court? What happened to me days before that caused me to be out of my mind? And no it had nothing to do with my stalker?

He couldn’t answer that question! Well done!

The correct answer is I had surgery 4 days before court and a large portion of my cervical removed due to stage 3 cervical cancer.

Probably something you should remember? Sadly that’s a perfect example of how little people are actually listening to eachother.

Going back to my first comment about ‘best friends’. Well I put the ‘found my best friend theory’ to the test when I was bored a few months ago.

This is how it went…..

Step 1. Let the other person talk first and let them keep talking.

Step 2. After anything and everything they comment on say ‘oh my god babe me too’.

Step 3. Never bring up or comment about anything to do with myself (let’s face it they won’t notice anyway) why? because you run the risk of having a different interest and ruining it.

Step 4. Repeat ‘oh my god babe me too’.

Would you believe that within five minutes this chick actually made the comment to her boyfriend, ‘This is crazy babe, I think we might be the same person’.

Wow! How did she not realise that we’d only talked about her? I’d be surprised if she knew my name at that point!

This is what I do when I’m bored. Lol.

So I’ve previously referred to myself as a master manipulator but that title sounds so dirty! I’ve currently decided to start running with something new, ‘Micro-Influencer’. I like it and it sounds a lot less ‘evil’!

Neverless I think my point is proven!

So I very much was taken by surprise during the week when someone I’d only met once or twice and didn’t have too much to do with, out of left field said, ‘Sorry about last week I ended up in the mental ward after going crazy. They couldn’t sedate me so I have possibly done some damage….. I have paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar’. I suddenly thought to myself as he was filling us in on some of the more colourful antics he had be responsible for in the past, ‘hey this guys batshit crazy too’.

Very quickly we were exchanging war stories as I too have a slight trauma related tweet to my personality. In my opinion I think it makes me super interested. Lol. I suffer from a Boarderline Personality and one of my favourite saying is ‘I’ve never faced a problem I couldn’t make worse’.

I guess I realised at that moment how much I don’t talk about it. I guess mental illness is still a ‘demonised subject’ and the masses aren’t so accomodating even to this day. I guess when you consider some of the top notch advice I’ve been given by so many irresponsible mouth breathers. The ones who have had the luxury of not having to learn over the years how to regulate their emotions because they can cause catastrophic episodes of mania or such depressive lows that suicide seems like the only humane option. Advice such as ‘what about your son, it’s selfish, just don’t kill yourself next time you feel like killing yourself’.

To that all I have to say is, ‘Holy shit I never thought about it like that! In my late teens I was tested in so many different ways before getting this diagnosis, I was even found to have an IQ if 147 and you know what? I have never even thought about simply not killing myself. Have you considered a job in mental health? I mean they truly do an atrocious job of it at the RBH….. I think you’d fit in perfectly! Possibly even team learner potential but I will cross my fingers for you!’.

Yes that was a long winded way of saying ‘Thank you for that fucking terrible advice. Have you yourself ever considered simply not being a shit person before?’.

Why is it that every aberration like asshole seems to have an ill informed opinion on so many topics they simply have no idea about? Is there some prize for being literally the dumbest human that ever lived and I just didn’t get the memo? Whatever happened to the art of listening and being understanding? Look to be honest my parents are horrible people but I feel as if they did one or two things right even if by accident. To me a huge percentage of humans seem as if they came from something that may have an IQ less than a brick wall and the brain capacity of a baked potato filled with mashed potato!

Overdramatic? Yes I know but I’m trying to stress a point here!

But to my new friend! Thanks! Like I said, ‘it’s weird when somebody gets you’. It’s also refreshing at the same time.

But my question still stands, ‘Are you doing ok at the moment?’. Honestly you don’t have to answer that unless you are comfortable! That may be never but in case you need it I am a place free from judgement. I also have some understanding as well. I am well aware of what it’s like when you find that your brain has decided that certain behaviours/coping mechanisms are normal but in fact they are anything but normal. Perhaps you then realise you are standing in front of a sea of 80+ year olds at your grandmothers birthday party having smashed your mother’s favourite platter across your sisters face because you had a few drinks and she thought she’d puff her cheat out and try to intimidate you because she’s bigger than you. Whoops!

Again thank you. It’s been a while since someone ‘got me’. While we are different in ways, in others we are the same. Same same but different! I’ve kinda wandered around for quite sometime now thinking that I may be trapped in some sort of Truman Show style operation but no one was at the controls anymore.

I like to go with fun facts to cheer myself up a lot of the time so this is for you;

Potential Judael celebrity – Jesus Christ himself? I have always been convinced that Jesus may have just been one of the early undiagnosed schizophrenics? Possibly due to the times which included the idea of stigmata for example. Im leaning more towards he was misinterpreted as a prophet sent from God?

Silver lining – On the bright side it’s not the Middle Ages and there are less barbaric forms of treatment! Although Pine Rivers Private Hospital does offer electroshock therapy! It’s even in their brochure! I had to ask when I was put there about 12 years ago, ‘if that’s in the brochure then what forms of torture do you offer on the sly that get left out of the brochure?’

Fun fact- Schizophrenia is apparently connection to the shape of your mouth! Weird!

Um you don’t have any of the following conditions –

Apotemnophilia is a neurological disorder characterized by the overwhelming desire to amputate or damage healthy parts of the body. 

Boanthropy suffers believe they are cows, often going as far as to behave as such. They are even found in fields with cows, walking on all fours and chewing grass as if they were a true member of the herd. 

Here’s one especially picked out for you (because of the car thing lol) –

Kluver-Bucy Syndrome, a scary mental disorder characterized by memory loss, the desire to eat inedible objects, and sexual attraction to inanimate objects, mostly automobiles.

Aphantasia – people with this condition can’t picture things in their mind! That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘use your imaginationI guess.

Final thoughtThere are absolutely no known tests in the entire world that can diagnose Schizophrenia. So there you go possibly you’re not Schizophrenic at all? Maybe your doctor had an off day and you’re really just an asshole? I’m totally kidding with that one!

Anyway I leave it there but not before sharing something I wrote ‘mid-manic-moment’. Some people have already read it but it may offer some insight into how many strange and confusing thoughts go through a persons mind in a time of mania.

Now I start with, ‘breathe in and out…..’. Don’t be fooled by this because at the time I knew I had to start writing for this exercise so it was probably my attempt to seem some what normal. The honest answer to that is it would probably start with something completely random or just a thought such as ‘hungry…’.

Enjoy your day mouth breathers!

Moment Of Mania

” Breath in and out. Why is my head shaking as if to say no? idiot, no one asked you anything. Now that I am 31 we have been here a few times before and when I say a few I mean sometimes every few days when I was younger. Feeling faint the need to hear something anything by slipknot. Although not my favorited band they are definitely up there. There is no particular song I begin with, there is something about Corey’s voice, or maybe it’s the music, although some songs change the up from the down or the down from the up most have a levelling effect on me. I almost feel dumb or brain dead. Most of the time I feel as if I have a glazed over, head tilted to the side with a look that causes people to wonder if the ‘lights are still on’. Is anyone home. These get easier and less frequent as I have clocked up enough of them. It feels as if one day I will just get it right and become human finally. These are all practice runs and with each one I learn a little bit more or realise a slight tweak that needs to be made before its perfect. I feel like I’m getting close but wonder if when I get it right or win the prize does that mean I lose me? I think there is a prize? For some reason I have been led to believe this is what I am striving for. But I am not sure who told me that? I have encountered a lot of damaging creatures along the way, what if it was one of them who told me I need this? Is this a good idea? I remember almost everything but not where this idea came from or even if I should I be messing with what could be messing with it anyway? What is so wrong with it the way it is? I guess if I had to live with me I’d probably strangle me. When did I get so opinionated? Bossy bitch. But you only want the best for people so maybe you are bearable? Yeah no I couldn’t think of anything worse than living with someone like this. No wonder you feel not enough, sometimes your temporary partners and I stay temporary because let’s face it your fun but there is a reason you have been referred to as ‘the one that gets you locked up’. People need to sleep, they need to relax, there is not enough time in the day to do all of that. They need to cheat on you so they don’t go insane. You are crazy in bed, never had a complaint but sometimes you just need to have normal sex with a normal person. You will get it, that is if you every work it out. You are getting older now, the field has halved now, you are in your 30’s. Yes, they are dumb but they can be moulded into better than you. The cracks are showing, literally! Plus, you are somewhat of a headcase these days. Yes, this is not your fault, each time something gets taken away, or some extra broken piece gets given to you to carry. Not sure but I feel a lot more tired this time round, that’s why I assume something was given to you cause it’s heavy?

Ok so if you want any chance you need to tell people what is in there. You preach free will, imagine if they weren’t warned and one day wake up realising what you are? You’d be fucking pissed off so why put that on someone else? what a waste of time for them Carly, you only get one life and you’d have them waste the good years being tricked by you? Only to wake up old and alone like you realising they wish they knew what you were in the first place.

So now that we are here what do we do? So we have worked out that Slipknot is the mood stabiliser so 24-7 Slipknot it is. Should I be all responsible and focus on mirrors? Channel that energy into being productive for the future? Really want to break something. Even though he is a dick and should be thrown out on his ass for the way he speaks he can be nice. Put it aside for now because you’re horny. No you are not just using him for sex because if he wasn’t around you would just go without. One last night? Well that’s awesome you should introduce him to the melted you. Maybe he really will go, this time running screaming as you are fucking nuts. You will fuck his brains out though. Still horny. Why not. Do you think maybe you should explain a little about why you are a fucking crazy person tonight first? I think maybe you have told him what you are, but maybe not cause you thought you were big enough you didn’t need her anymore. For fuck sake you are a grown woman stop being such a fucking retard and snap out of it, no one acts like this. I know you can’t work out how and why they act like that but do you have to go to this extreme? Is this fake? Ok try to stop it. But Slipknot is on already. Fuck it go with it but can this be the last time becaue you are an adult not a fucking child. You are intelligent and easily adaptable so fucking adapt you fucking retard before more people see its embarrassing. This is why you cant have evan Carly. How do you get him to school when you are having one of these ‘pretend meltdowns’? it doesn’t seem to happen when evan is around. Well it has never happened when Evan was around so go see him tomorrow.”

I am a mother of one, artist and blogger from Australia. I write children’s books and want to introduce awareness education for children in all schools. This is my journey from domestic violence and beyond. Where it will end up is anyone's guess. Share in my story....

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