Is is a fear of intimacy or closeness, maybe it’s the fear of abandonment or fear of loss that drives us to play ‘relationship ping pong’? What do I mean by relationship ping pong? I mean the art of feeding off each other’s behaviour. We assume that we’ve done something wrong or the other person has done something wrong. Then before you know it we’re yelling at each other and no one knows what the hell is going on. Trying to work out exactly which ‘fear’ I have or how many of them I have is difficult and exhausting some days. What ever the mix it creates a perfect storm of worried faces, misconstrued stares and a whole lot of drama that did not need to exist in the first place.
As children, the world is this magical place, things are black and white and it’s simple. Or so we think. Overtime in a heartbreaking realisation we are show first hand just how cruel the human condition can truly be. The level of damage all depends I think by chance as opposed to factors such as socioeconomic, circumstance or the friends we choose to have. I’m not an expert but when thinking about narcissism as a characteristic it exists in all walks of life so it brings me to the assumption that possibly all the traits that can be damaging to us also exists in all walks of life.
I remember taking my son to Cedar Creek Falls almost every day in summer. He would collect rocks and try to block off the flow of water coming down from the mountains. I loved that even though life had ‘broken me’ in a sense and I knew there was no way he was stopping the flow of water coming down from the mountains, it still didn’t stop him from having a go at 4 year old. I loved how he honestly believed that if he tried hard enough it could be done. There’s something about that which is beautifully pure and untainted by the world. Something that we loose within ourselves the more we are damaged. Sadly the more damage that’s done to us the more damage we do to others and the cycle continues.
To you. No it’s not me pushing you away or me changing the way I feel. It me trying to hold onto what’s left of me. Last week was the worst week of my entire life. They say good things come to those who wait and while I may have a million reasons to think that to be untrue, you came to me just before for some reason. I hate to think where I’d be without you and that crazy little lady especially this week. You said to me, ‘I need you in my life to be happy and I’m not afraid to says that’. It’s a sentence I will never forget and definitely one I think about every time we do fight because I feel exactly the same. You are my safe space, I get the way I do when I think it may not be real because I want it to be real more than anything.
In the end we are damaged but as long as we both want the same thing nothing can stop us from finally finding that space in time where we are happy!
You make everyday since I met you so much better. You are so weird, hilariously funny and while I can wait, I can’t wait to grow old with you. Thank you for everything and even though you might think you haven’t done much, the fact that you came back means the world and honestly helped mend a lot of damage that was done, as well as some previously done by others even though that’s not yours to make up for.
I love you! Wanker!
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 