DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

This one is slightly born out of anger.  There are certain people I could name here but I won’t.  For you I just want to say thank you.  Thank you for making the fact that I totally give up on relationships a reality.

Whatever happened to the saying “Treat people the way you want to be treated?”.  It’s not too hard to ask is it?  Taking the past almost year onto account you have totally tested this idea for me.  It seems that it should be changed to,

“Treat me better than I treat you and when I get caught out, i’m gonna destroy your entire life as you know it and not care one bit as the tears stream down your face.

I’m gonna smash everything and anything in sight, especially if you own it and make you pay for the very things I feel guilty about.

When the dust settles, I’m gonna shame you because I am worth more than you in the end”.

They say we teach people how to treat us.  In a way I think that is true.  The issue is we are not children here anymore and you have learnt a lot of lessons even before I came along.  Lessons it seems are too hard to unlearn for some of us.

Within my own life at least, this is the case for two people in particular.  In the end it is not my role in life to put you first and be understanding of shitty behaviour all the time.

For you both tonight I have a new lesson it seems………

For the first.  How time passes us so quickly it would seem.   Our journey began almost a year ago and in the end is nothing more than a waste of my time.  Time away from my son which I might add I don’t take very lightly, so I very unsenserilly apologise for any backlash or punishment you may have endured as a result of wasting that precious time.  The funny thing is I am not a malicious person so had you of actually taken responsibility for your actions, the help offered to you would have been just that.  Minus any headaches that came along with it but that’s the trouble with biting the hand that feeds you…… Sometimes it bites back.  I pride myself on the saying “A woman scorned” and will not apologise for that.  Let’s face it though it’s one of the things that made you so drawn to me in the beginning wasn’t it?  Had you of realised, despite any mistakes that all I ever wanted for you was what I want for myself in the end anyway.  What is that?  A chance for someone to see I deserve a place in my sons life.  While you still haven’t got it yet, not for lack of trying to get that through to you, but that journey ended for us the day before my sons 9th birthday, 22nd October 2019.  I remember the following day was a particularly tough one for me and considering all that I had done for you I think what I was asking for was the least you could have done.  You had the power to save the whole thing that day.  I asked you if you were telling me the truth and you said yes.  I told you if that was true then I would answer the phone the following day.  You chose to lie.  Sadly in hindsight you have let me down every single time I needed you.  Sadly when I consider the entire time we spent together was nothing more than a lie and a joke to you.  Thank you for your ‘help’.  While mine came from a good place yours comes from a place to hurt or punish me it seems?  Unfortunately I would have to have some sort of feeling left for you for that to be effective so again you lose the battle that no one wins.s

To the second person.  This person came into my life the following day, my sons birthday.  Thank you for that day.  You made what was one of the worst days bearable.  Considering this person was only supposed to be a means to punish the first one, you quickly went from just being a fling to something a whole lot more.  I often say to you that on occasions you nail it.  You come out of left field and say or do something even better than I could have come up with to fix the situation.  On other occasions you don’t.  I sometimes think that if we were in fact as Plato writes ‘one’.  Male and female as one being that when we were struck out by Zeus and split into two that you might possibly be my other half.  There’s something in the way you cuddle that feels like we may have been cut from the same person because you seem to fit better than anyone has ever before.  We will always have a little star named ‘Cuddles’ and you will always be the first thing I think of when I look up at the nights sky.

In the interest of having my own back tonight I need to stop being so understanding all the time.  While you both have obviously been taught in the past that you can get away with anything you want.

I am here to teach you another one…….

“I am worth something.  I am worth a whole lot in fact.  No you can’t have your cake and eat it too.  That is at least when it comes to me.  I am not perfect and I make mistakes but as long as the good outweighs the bad it’s worth it.  Currently it’s not worth it for me but in the end I am worth it you just refuse to see it.  That’s what makes me different.  That’s what makes me special.  That’s what makes me worth a whole lot more than the others who let you get away with bullshit.  I wish you the best but this is not my best and I would rather be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone else”.