I knew that 2020 was not going to be my year. I think it’s true in a sense that “You never know true happiness until you know true sadness”. While I hit some of the lowest of lows, it’s now 2021 and I am still here at the end of it. I will say that I have learnt the most or at least accepted a lot of things and understand a lot more things than any other year before.
So is this a case of what doesn’t destroy us makes us stronger? I know that this life has made me stronger and without certain things taking place I would still be the unsure version of myself who was always held back by one person in particular. Sometimes when you have a false persona to keep up you need the assistance from the ones around you to create the scene. Sometimes you use your children as those puppets and the reason is because if the world saw you for what you really are, they wouldn’t like you at all. But is that really living at the end of the day? For a long time the answer to that is no.
It wasn’t until the day I watched a woman who always turned blind eye to the abuse and violence her daughter lived with growing up, now turn that same blind eye to not only her daughter but now her grandson being abused, the spell was broken. There’s nothing like watching your own mother side with your violent ex partner, even go as far as lie to protect him to give you that wake up call you needed to be free.
The past 4 years have been the hardest years of my life so far. It has made me who I am today and I am grateful for that. I have lost four years with my son that I can never get back and I hope he will be ok in the end. The biggest lesson I have learn’t is to be comfortable in my own skin. To be me without fear of judgement. Not everyone is going to like me but the ones who do and the ones who are there when things get tough are family. Plus don’t take criticism from people you wouldn’t take advice from! When I fully understood that one, it was like a weight was lifted in a way!
It’s a strange feeling being someone who is at times so strong and has so many talents but on the other hands can be so scared and fragile they almost break. I have always felt that a part of me was missing or I was searching for my other half. I always wondered how so many people managed to do the things they do and not feel scared and alone. I didn’t understand how they could do bad things towards seemingly everyone and not have at least one person they could trust and have their back. Possibly I get it a little more now.
So without all the drama. Without the pain and suffering I don’t think I would have had a chance meeting with someone very different. Now I am usually a very detached person who over time has had to adopt the ability to become more like my mother. I do not open myself to people fully, I do not let them in enough to be able to cause me pain and I don’t ‘fall in love’. In fact I don’t think I have ever fallen in love before and possibly I have worked out why. The first time I felt ‘real love’ was the day I met my son and it is because of that love that I find myself here.
So as one of the worst years was just hours away from coming to an end, a boy with an arrow tattoo appeared on my doorstep. So possibly it’s a complete brain snap or not, honestly I have no idea? At the end of the day, does the truly ‘crazy’ chick know she’s crazy? The very moment I looked into his eyes something strange happened and a state of utter confusion or disorder become the new theme. The infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered in the universe was the total chaos in my head and I have not one explanation for it.
While I am sure he has an idea of who I am by now or at least he thinks he does by what it says about me on paper, I still know very little about him. While I am not the most spiritual of people I have heard of the idea of of ‘twin flames’ so when I Googled the symptoms I’d been experiencing since that night, twin flames was the result . In the past about Plato and how I always found it a lot easier to understand his Symposium which was written in 365 BC but struggled to understand basic human emotion and the way people use it. That too suggested man and woman once existed as one until they were split in two by Zeus as punishment, destined to wander the earth in search of the missing half. I guess in my own way I have always known there was something or someone out there. They say not everyone gets a twin flame but I have always known that I was not like everyone else. In my own way I guess the tattoo on my right arm symbolised whatever it was for me. Three arrows! I have never actually told anyone the meaning behind the tattoo either. The arrow in the middle says, “one of a kind” is for me and it points down away from my heart. The one at the bottom points towards my heart and was designed by my son because it represents him. The one at the top also points towards my heart. It has always been for someone else but I never knew who. It is surrounded by 3 markings and again I was just drawn to it when I was designing it a few years ago now.
When it comes to the idea of ‘true love’, I have also written about finding that person,
“He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.”
This reference being from the movie Practical Magic. The idea is to put an impossible idea out into the universe when it comes to true love. If this person doesn’t exist, then you wouldn’t have to endure losing that person but the character in the movie met this person one day who was a cop funny enough.
So have I had a complete and total loss of brain function or have I found my twin flame? The boy with the arrow tattoo? And thank you for pointing it out that night. I have a habit of being very ‘blonde’ somedays.
What does this mean? Only time will tell I guess. I don’t think it’s harmful at this point to be honest. On one hand it could be that I have found my twin flame and while this is not going to be smooth sailing, it is the thing i’ve been looking for all this time. On the other hand if not, yes its false hope but even the thought of it being true makes me a little stronger at this point in my life. Right now I am looking for anything to keep me going because I am at risk of giving up and I so desperately need my son. Who knows even the false hope might get me over the line and I’m happy with that in the end!
To the boy with the arrow tattoo. What do I want for you? Well if you are my twin flame then it’s obvious but if you are truly happy in your life, that’s where I want you to stay. I would want you to know that I will be ok out here on my own, I think! At least I hope so! What am I? Possibly I am the yin to your yang and I am the mischievous side but the one you’ve seen so far is not me. This is the result of some serious unresolved issues that keep getting put off by unfortunate incident after unfortunate incident and me gasping for breath at this point. There isn’t much left in me to be honest but for now I’m still here. I need to find a space to ground myself and begin working on the things that make up my ever expanding ‘complex PTSD’ so that I can be who I really am. Anything else is just a waste of my time in the end and I’ve done enough of that to be honest. Possibly this is just a case of right person just not the right time and space?
If I can take anything away from this experience I guess it’s given me inspiration to write again. Something I lost last year. Hopefully 2021 is the year it all turns around. Again only time will tell!
Now if this sudden realisation that I’ve found my missing half is nothing more than a side effect of my brain melting amidst the complexity that is the PTSD I so obviously am effected by then, I still want you to be happy in your life, however that looks for you, despite who you may be or what you do for a living? If you are reading this then you know exactly what I mean! I also ask how did you come to be reading this? I mean I left subtle clues but in the end something made you look deeper and not dismiss things? Possibly there’s more too it and I am not the only one who was struck down with the sudden feeling that we somehow had met before although that was the first time? What does it all mean? I have absolutely no idea! For now I am off to try and save myself! Maybe I will see you again? Maybe I won’t? That ball is in your court now. I am sure you’ll be able to find me if you need to one day. FYI I never make it that easy for you guys because where’s the fun in that but one way or another I’m sure you’ll work it out!
Onto another day…..
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 