DV – DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Day 2,246 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To My Love Part 2

I wrote this yesterday. I don’t think I’m as angry today with you but the fact remains the same. You let me down. The sad fact is days like yesterday happen more often than not these days.

I’ve previously written about loving someone means you have to decide whether the good outweigh the bad but this time I’m not sure they do. Letting go of someone after so long is hard and I often wonder whether it’s a case of me just being so familiar with this person that keeps me from never bothering with him again. Would he allow me to do this much damage?

It’s not a nice feeling and makes it hard when you also question whether that person was ever real in the first place. Maybe just something you made up in your head the entire time because you chose to be blind.

The older I get the less answers I seem to have anymore.

Scott,

You took this photo of us that day. You wanted to remember the exact date and time we finally got together despite our 4 year history.

One very messy morning after a Slipknot concert, in our old room with Spikey photobombing us was the beginning of something special for both of us. At least I thought so.

For the first time I wanted to grow up and I knew I’d found my best friend some days before. You and I had history and to be honest I was never a fan of that version of you. The one I met again that day at Harbour Town stopped me in my tracks. That has only ever happened to me once in this lifetime so far.

The biggest transformation was yours. It was because of you I learned that you can’t change people. If they are going to change they will do that themselves. I watched a career criminal decide to change his life and try something he hadn’t ever done before and you were amazing at it. You know this. Why? Because you wanted to be good enough for me. You saw that despite my past that I had changed my life and wanted to share a life with me.

Fast forward 12 years to today. So it’s been more than a decade and it’s anything but the fairytale ending for us both, or at least our version of a fairytale we planned on it being.

Well you would have got my letter by now? People have tried to convince me you’re not even in there anymore but I know you are, you have to be! You left me out here on my own. You lied to me and I will never forgive you for that. We had history and planned a life but you did what you always do and you were selfish. Yes I have always been the one that was stronger but this time I needed you to be strong for me.

I hate you, really. For hurting me. For making me feel like I was lied to by you! I hate you for being so rude to me and pushing me away. I doubted the beautiful things you ever told me when you got caught in a lie. So now I think no one will ever accept me completely the way you did.

I still love you and probably always will and that makes me hate you even more. I want you to get this in case one day soon I’m no longer me. For now I’m still here but I can feel it slipping away and I’m not sure what will be left soon. I have always been strong but everyone has their breaking point. The difference is I don’t think I will come back once I’m gone.

And for the millionths time is by Coal Chamber, ‘Dark Day’s’ but it’s more of a cruel joke now isn’t it?

I’ve got a new one for you. Alice Ivy, ‘Almost There’.

I hope you’re enjoying your stay! What is this number 7? Get you’re shit together, you’re better than this!!

Lots of love

Miss Webb

Tonight’s anthem

itunes.apple.com/au/album/this-again/1327028522

Day 2,103 Of Domestic Violence – Pain Is Only Skin Deep

Pain. When I look around lately it’s all I seem to see. A sea of faces from all walks in pain. One thing used to numb that pain bringing people who ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed paths together with one common goal in life. To numb that pain.

So is it a case of the world and it’s people being in more pain than ever or is this just a different crutch we use and humans have always felt this much pain?

I read up on the Great Depression earlier this year as I met a lovely lady who was in her 90’s. She had been apart of the Salvation Army since then and credited much of her surviving the Great Depression. She told me how she would sneak off and have morning tea provided by the Army and without that much needed food probably would have starved as food was scares. To this day she was eternally grateful for the opportunity she was given and enjoyed every opportunity she got to pay that kindness back.

How does that translate to today? Do we as people care more or less about those in pain? How do we stop so much pain or is it something we need to just accept will always exist? Is this the key to our journey being easier?

How do I make this journey easier for my son. It pains me to think of him feeling anything close to what I’ve felt thus far. I almost feel guilt for his existence as I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

More and more I have less answers. They say that the older we get the wiser we get but I question whether that is true.

I guess this is where I leave this one.

Day 2,057 Of Domestic Violence – Climb To The Top

I remember the day I climbed all the way to the top of Mt Tibrogargan. I hadn’t left that relationship yet but I felt like I could do anything after that!

Fast forward to today…..

Sometimes I find myself asking what is the point? I can’t remember the last time I felt content with life or a space in time where I could just relax.

Getting up everyday just to ‘fight’ through this life is exhausting and it doesn’t ever feel like it will get any better. Sadly I find myself thinking ‘maybe it was easier before?’. Maybe staying in that relationship was the lesser of 2 evils? I know that’s not the right way to feel but I at least had more money then, I had a stable job and most importantly I got to be with my son. I have virtually been shut out of his life completely and missed them his seventh year. I hate my mother and will never forgive her for that. I can’t ever get that back.

I lay awake some nights wondering if he going to be ok after this? What if he ends up an addict like I did or permanently damaged from all of this? Is me finding my voice and standing up for myself worth that?

Why do I feel guilty all the time? It’s just not supposed to be this hard is it? I just want to wake up one day and not have the million dramas I worried about yesterday flood back through my mind which never ever seems to get a rest. It’s as if sleep is the only thing that I can do that is not stressful. The issue is I can’t get anything done while I’m doing that and it just puts me further and further behind in this race we call life.

It’s things like calling Telstra the other day as they cut my phone off AGAIN. Why? Because they did not receive a faulty phone back January. It’s September! Now I called them over the week end to tell them the Australia Post incident number AGAIN. I was hung up on 4 times before I lost the plot. I had to explain to every single person I was palmed off to ‘the situation’ and I was left wondering ‘don’t you people make any notes?’. That coupled with my personal favorite, ‘can you pay the $1,300 today. Really? Is there anyone on this planet that sits on the phone trying to work out a payment schedule when they have the funds just sitting there, not allocated to anything else but instead of paying the bill they have some sick fetish and secretly love sitting on hold to a phone company. It’s not a thing but thank you for proving just how stupid a person can be. Sometimes I wonder how they managed to put pants on and walk out the door that morning without needing a lay down from all the hard work that took. Now while this is happening I just so happened to be at work trying to do that, not to mention it was draining my battery. A battery that my duress alarm runs off as I have been the victim of stalking before. Surprise surprise my battery did not make it so I anxiously walked home in the dark from the train station. Upon charging my phone when I got home I realized I had an email saying that I had until the 10th of October to pay. Ok great maybe someone at Telstra has a brain? I was wrong and my phone got cut off. Wow. Over 3 hours on the phone again. I’m sorry but what the fuck? Why can’t I just put a phone in the post pack that is provided and 9 months later not be haunted by the fact that it didn’t arrive where it was supposed to. That is one of the what feels like trillion dramas that just don’t need to be.

I feel like a cranky old bitch most days and maybe that how it happens? We’ve all met ‘that old lady’ before! You know the one that you question if there was anything that you could have done that wouldn’t have made her the worst person on earth to deal with. Maybe she was once me questioning why the world seems to be against her? Maybe after so long you just snap? Maybe she was once a really nice person but just couldn’t take it anymore?

Is that the reason she’s ended up alone? I mean my dating resume isn’t that spectacular, hi my name is Carly. I’m 32, jumpy, I have a million grey hairs that weren’t there 2 years ago, I don’t speak to my family and am in court currently battling for my son and while we are talking I have ten million things running through my head like money, debts, who I have to email, my son and the guilt I feel etc but I’m good how about you? Never mind what I like please just don’t display any controlling or aggressive characteristics because I will flip out ever so lightly. Even if you don’t I will probably have some sort of meltdown because I am severely damaged but due to not being able to find myself in a position financially I haven’t really started working on that trauma. Wow what a catch!

It doesn’t really matter though because I couldn’t afford to go out anywhere to have a chance encounter or magical date even close to the one I just described. Where am I going to find the cash to even buy a drink considering some fortnights I am left with $304 a fortnight after rent? I can barely afford the basics so it doesn’t really leave me with money to go out. I brought a sandwich for lunch today while I was in the city & thought to myself ‘what a treat this is’. How sad is that? But that comes with having to watch every single non existent cent.

I just want to not be consumed by all the drama and for my head to be quiet and content for once.

Maybe that too big of an ask? Maybe the world needs cranky old ladies to maintain balance. Maybe this is the only way to create that truly awful to be around old lady? Maybe I’ll give the next one I encounter a hug rather than write her off like I normally would. Maybe she’s just like me and needs a bit of a break rather than to be labeled? If only we had all the answers how much easier this life might be.

Day 2,025 Of Domestic Violence – The Human Connection And Hero’s In Red Shoes.

I work for the Salvation Army. I have been tasked with doing a short piece each month in the newsletter. I wanted to meet with certain groups that meet weekly and people within the corps to get their story and have a chat with them. I wanted to share it with the rest of the corps in an attempt to reconnect with each other.

It seems strange to me that a person could sit beside say a coworker everyday for years but know nothing about them. So earlier this week I wrote a short piece on my own story as I thought it might be a good way for everyone to get to know me before we meet up. I guess my boss liked it so much he asked me to read it on Sunday…. in front of people! Great! I quickly said yes and I will work on my nerves for the rest of the week.

I decided to write it in my usual blog format as that is comfortable for me. Plus I can read it straight from the sheet and not have to look up at all the quiet people staring at me. Why? To be honest I have a lot to say but I much prefer doing it this way. Public speaking is not my thing, everyone’s quiet and looking at me, not my kind of fun. But I’ve sucked it up and agreed. I have written it here as this is what I am going to read out. That way I can stair at the paper and pretend they are not all looking at me.

Here goes nothing;

It seems the more technology advances the further we get from human connection, or at least true human connection. Sometimes I feel people look at me as if I am strange because I’m interested in everyone. Some might say nosy? For me at least I learn a lot about people and how they work. I also find I learn a lot about myself at the same time.

I am originally from Redcliffe and my family had a lot to do with the (blank) Leagues Club. My grandfather was and was Chairman of the Board for both the football and leagues club for over 30 years. I grew up in Redcliffe and Brighton so this place is very much home to me.

I have a recent history of domestic and family violence and become estranged with my entire family who have chosen to side with my ex partner. Alone I have had an uphill struggle with family court and custody of my son Evan who is seven years old.

Out of every situation though does come a positive and had it not been for that I would not have started my own business Through The Looking Glass Mirrors. I rescue old casement windows and turn them into mirrors with custom designs in them. Earlier this year I started a blog called Diaries From Domestic Violence which began as a bit of therapy for me but now has over 2,000 followers and woman from all over the country and world reach out and let me know how much my honest and open approach has made them not feel so alone. I also came to work here and have met all of the lovely Salvation Army members.

Earlier this year my hero in red shoes, Major Keith Hampton found me crying outside Coles at Kippa Ring and offered me more than just assistance. He offered me the opportunity to work again which sadly I had put on the back burner due to my domestic violence issues. It has not been easy for poor Keith, saving this damsels in distress has not always been a glamorous one but never a dull moment. Although it has been an uphill battle, getting the opportunity to work again has made a massive difference in my life. I have always been very determined and loved working but over the last few years I had lost my confidence. Today I help out in the office a few days a week as well as work on my recovery.

Through the help I received from Major Keith Hampton and the Salvation Army Corps Redcliffe I have gained a new family in you all. The lovely Hewitt’s family, Barb, Ian and Rachel also have to be mentioned in this story as they have the pleasure of me adopting them as my new immediate family. They opened their home to a young mother of one struggling and homeless and I will forever be grateful. To them I want to say a massive thank you and I love you and unfortunately you are stuck with me now. Also Anne Redman who attends another fraction has become a wonderful ‘role mother’ to me in my life. I am completing the Positive Lifestyles Program through the Salvation Army with her which has also helped me make Positive change. She has offered me so much of her time and love which is invaluable to me and it is nice to know that someone cares.

That in a nut shell is my story and I cannot wait to get to know you all a little more through this space. In life shared experience is a wonderful thing and can greatly improve the way we live our lives. Even if you have been attending the Salvation Army Redcliffe Corps for years or it is your first day we all have a story and can learn from each other. Intern this can make us a little more understanding and connected with each other and can only be for the better in the long run.