I wrote this yesterday. I don’t think I’m as angry today with you but the fact remains the same. You let me down. The sad fact is days like yesterday happen more often than not these days.
I’ve previously written about loving someone means you have to decide whether the good outweigh the bad but this time I’m not sure they do. Letting go of someone after so long is hard and I often wonder whether it’s a case of me just being so familiar with this person that keeps me from never bothering with him again. Would he allow me to do this much damage?
It’s not a nice feeling and makes it hard when you also question whether that person was ever real in the first place. Maybe just something you made up in your head the entire time because you chose to be blind.
The older I get the less answers I seem to have anymore.
You took this photo of us that day. You wanted to remember the exact date and time we finally got together despite our 4 year history.
One very messy morning after a Slipknot concert, in our old room with Spikey photobombing us was the beginning of something special for both of us. At least I thought so.
For the first time I wanted to grow up and I knew I’d found my best friend some days before. You and I had history and to be honest I was never a fan of that version of you. The one I met again that day at Harbour Town stopped me in my tracks. That has only ever happened to me once in this lifetime so far.
The biggest transformation was yours. It was because of you I learned that you can’t change people. If they are going to change they will do that themselves. I watched a career criminal decide to change his life and try something he hadn’t ever done before and you were amazing at it. You know this. Why? Because you wanted to be good enough for me. You saw that despite my past that I had changed my life and wanted to share a life with me.
Fast forward 12 years to today. So it’s been more than a decade and it’s anything but the fairytale ending for us both, or at least our version of a fairytale we planned on it being.
Well you would have got my letter by now? People have tried to convince me you’re not even in there anymore but I know you are, you have to be! You left me out here on my own. You lied to me and I will never forgive you for that. We had history and planned a life but you did what you always do and you were selfish. Yes I have always been the one that was stronger but this time I needed you to be strong for me.
I hate you, really. For hurting me. For making me feel like I was lied to by you! I hate you for being so rude to me and pushing me away. I doubted the beautiful things you ever told me when you got caught in a lie. So now I think no one will ever accept me completely the way you did.
I still love you and probably always will and that makes me hate you even more. I want you to get this in case one day soon I’m no longer me. For now I’m still here but I can feel it slipping away and I’m not sure what will be left soon. I have always been strong but everyone has their breaking point. The difference is I don’t think I will come back once I’m gone.
And for the millionths time is by Coal Chamber, ‘Dark Day’s’ but it’s more of a cruel joke now isn’t it?
I’ve got a new one for you. Alice Ivy, ‘Almost There’.
I hope you’re enjoying your stay! What is this number 7? Get you’re shit together, you’re better than this!!
Lots of love