Day 2,301 Of Domestic Violence – Insanity And A Love Note On A Kite

Eros – love.

So I feel like I found that part of me which has been missing my whole life 4 days ago.

I don’t feel as though it’s ever felt this way before but I don’t really know? For some reason, this current moment, I can’t remember the exact feeling for anyone else in the past. Now I am pretty sure I’ve loved before but is that the insanity part or is this current state of mind insane?

Clinically speaking ‘true love’ and ‘insanity’ are almost impossible to distinguish between so is this current case of ‘divine madness’ real or just a chemical imbalance causing me to detach from reality? All I know right now is that the moment I saw him I couldn’t stop ‘seeing him’ in a sense. He’s not like any of the others or at least I don’t think he is.

This is the insanity part I think.

How is it that love can turn the most clinically insane person rational and the most rational person insane?

Why is it I can read Plato’s ‘The Symposium‘, written in 385-370 BC and understand it rationally but I can’t remember a feeling I actually experienced first hand to compare the two?

‘Every heart sings a song incomplete until another heart whispers back.”

Possibly we were once created with four arms, four legs, a single head with two faced? Possibly we once had both male and female genitalia? Possibly we were punished by Zeus who split humans into two, condemning them to spend eternity in search of their other half?

What is love then?

Unconditional love doesn’t mean you love every little thing about the other person. Trust me, life would be easier for my future husband if I would get out of bed like other people do, and he knows it. Unconditional love sees the truth but doesn’t require change. 

So as I ride the escalator to see him again I guess we will see just how insane I can really be?

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Day 2,246 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To My Love Part 2

I wrote this yesterday. I don’t think I’m as angry today with you but the fact remains the same. You let me down. The sad fact is days like yesterday happen more often than not these days.

I’ve previously written about loving someone means you have to decide whether the good outweigh the bad but this time I’m not sure they do. Letting go of someone after so long is hard and I often wonder whether it’s a case of me just being so familiar with this person that keeps me from never bothering with him again. Would he allow me to do this much damage?

It’s not a nice feeling and makes it hard when you also question whether that person was ever real in the first place. Maybe just something you made up in your head the entire time because you chose to be blind.

The older I get the less answers I seem to have anymore.

Scott,

You took this photo of us that day. You wanted to remember the exact date and time we finally got together despite our 4 year history.

One very messy morning after a Slipknot concert, in our old room with Spikey photobombing us was the beginning of something special for both of us. At least I thought so.

For the first time I wanted to grow up and I knew I’d found my best friend some days before. You and I had history and to be honest I was never a fan of that version of you. The one I met again that day at Harbour Town stopped me in my tracks. That has only ever happened to me once in this lifetime so far.

The biggest transformation was yours. It was because of you I learned that you can’t change people. If they are going to change they will do that themselves. I watched a career criminal decide to change his life and try something he hadn’t ever done before and you were amazing at it. You know this. Why? Because you wanted to be good enough for me. You saw that despite my past that I had changed my life and wanted to share a life with me.

Fast forward 12 years to today. So it’s been more than a decade and it’s anything but the fairytale ending for us both, or at least our version of a fairytale we planned on it being.

Well you would have got my letter by now? People have tried to convince me you’re not even in there anymore but I know you are, you have to be! You left me out here on my own. You lied to me and I will never forgive you for that. We had history and planned a life but you did what you always do and you were selfish. Yes I have always been the one that was stronger but this time I needed you to be strong for me.

I hate you, really. For hurting me. For making me feel like I was lied to by you! I hate you for being so rude to me and pushing me away. I doubted the beautiful things you ever told me when you got caught in a lie. So now I think no one will ever accept me completely the way you did.

I still love you and probably always will and that makes me hate you even more. I want you to get this in case one day soon I’m no longer me. For now I’m still here but I can feel it slipping away and I’m not sure what will be left soon. I have always been strong but everyone has their breaking point. The difference is I don’t think I will come back once I’m gone.

And for the millionths time is by Coal Chamber, ‘Dark Day’s’ but it’s more of a cruel joke now isn’t it?

I’ve got a new one for you. Alice Ivy, ‘Almost There’.

I hope you’re enjoying your stay! What is this number 7? Get you’re shit together, you’re better than this!!

Lots of love

Miss Webb

Day 2,245 Of Domestic Violence – The Art Of MAN-ipulation 101

Man-eater, temptress, master manipulator, puppeteer, siren, witch. These are just a few words that have been used to describe me in the past. To say I don’t know I’m even doing it would be a lie. Let just say I’m skilled in the art of a coquettish and have been for most of my life. Now I haven’t always used this talent for good as opposed to evil in the past. Since having my son I decided if I wanted him to one day have a fulfilling relationship with someone who loves and respects him and has his best interests at heart than I had better become someone like that myself.

For all that I know though the ending always seems to be the same, I find I’m never the one chosen in the end. On the other hand I’m the one they never forget or the one they can’t control themselves around. I’m the one your girlfriend hates because she catches you starring at me. In general females simply seem to hate me and I end up being one of the boys all the time. I don’t understand woman in general to be honest and seem to instead avoid them but this seems to get me in further trouble.

Why is this? I think it’s a simple case of me understanding the male brain a little more than most. Why is it when woman want to save a relationship some will intentionally get pregnant? Since when does a baby spice up your life? Sleepless nights, the smell of baby vomit and a new massive expense that ties you to someone for life! In no way is that sexy! Why not go out for dinner or if you’re strapped for cash simply smile…. it free! The addition of a child in most cases just means you will forever have this person you once had the best of times with tied to you for life and over the years become more and more bitter with you.

Now please don’t take me for some kind of idiot who thinks that woman need to please a man here. I believe in equal rights and that relationships are a two way street so in saying the above I also have advice for the other side too!

Men. Please stop trying to find your mother and a partner in the same person. Why? Well when it comes to you trying to show some sort of dominance over us please don’t wonder why we dig our heels in. If you don’t want to be self sufficient and treat us like your mother please don’t expect to ever be in charge or have us take you seriously in life. In my opinion there is nothing sexier than a man who can look after himself, is self sufficient and if they have children is a good father who is civil towards their ex partner in the best interest of their children.

Relationships are hard and breaking up is hard but for some of us that stay single at times people find this weird. I’ve been told by someone who was interested in me before, ‘but you’re single’ almost like I don’t have the right to say no. Guess what just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m interested in you or that it means I am obligated to do anything with you. I am allowed to say no because I simply don’t want to!

Why is it so crazy that I would like my son back and then decide who we invite into our lives and not for me to start a new life without him? He is my number one and I’m sorry if that offends anyone but tough shit to be honest!

Also I’ve decided to be very picky to be honest. I am self sufficient and independent and I’m going to find someone who is the same. Someone who is more of an whole person on their own first. Not someone who needs me or my addition completes their life. I’m also no longer going to get caught up in this weird phenomenon I’ve notice of anyone only ever being interested in someone if the other person isn’t. Is it the thrill of the chase which entices a person? I find more often than not it ends up in a race to see who can throw the other person away first. For some reason we have all become addicted to rejecting people but deep down our greatest fear is being the one rejected.

Why is this?

Why does it mean that when the little boy in the playground likes us he pushes us in the dirt? Why can’t he just say he likes us? Then everyone knows where they stand rather than trying to work out what he really means? Maybe we like him too so there you go everyone’s on the same page!

I have had people freak out when I’ve been upfront with them. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection that lacks in me that scares them? I don’t know to be honest but I decided a long time ago to stop playing games with peoples emotions and for that I’m not sorry.

This one ends here. No real answers but food for thought I think in the end.

Day 2,244 Of Domestic Violence – How Is Your Mental Health Today?

There have been so many times I’ve heard in the popular media about the issues pertaining to mental health and the great lengths governments have been going to in the way of tackling it. In my experience what I’ve found is anything but and is similar to the issue I found with DV Connect and other services provided for domestic violence assistance.

On the surface and if you are fortunate to be a person that is not in a position to be needing one of these it would appear that things are being taken seriously and plans were in place to tackle these issues.

Unfortunately once again I find that is anything but the case!

I would even say that as we learn more about certain issues the worse off the help is getting when tackling them. So where does blame lay and really why is this the case?

Let me start by pointing out just like our country used to provide ‘free university’ which a lot of our more experienced politicians would have had the pleasure of enjoying, sadly our health system is no longer ‘free’. Has the great Medicare refund scheme distracted us from the fact this is going on right before our very eyes? Is it really just me who can see this because I’ve been ranting about it for a while or are people simply too busy or uninterested to notice? Possibly it’s because we just don’t care because we don’t have a use for it in out lives at the time!

Don’t get me wrong there are still public hospitals but has anyone stopped to ask the question if having to now pay for part of a once bulkbilled almost everywhere GP service that maybe one day public hospitals won’t be so bulkbilled as well? I mean it’s less of a shock this way than going from ‘everything bulkbilled’ to having to pay the entire cost of your healthcare much like the United States.

My question is if we are now paying partially for it then where is the money we save going?

I have now had 3 hospitals fail me completely and in the Brisbane when it comes to mental issues. Without boring you with the details let’s just say the first one not only turned me away before a suicide attempt, which they were extremely sorry for but the help offered post attempt resulted in me telling the training psychiatrist that he would be responsible for patient deaths in the future due to his approach and he should consider a change to his career. The second lost money and my iPad along with a list of other issues and thirdly this week while I was aware that the wait was long, I simply gave up on waiting after firstly being offered a phone number instead of help but 10.5 hours waiting to speak to someone just left me disheartened.

So where the hell do you go if you feel like everything is getting too much? I have a psychiatrist I have been seeing for over 2 years now but he seems to almost ignore me or suggest more medications to help the problem? Tell me if I up my dosage will that help me find more money to live on as I currently struggle to pay for the basics thus causing me more anxiety? How about no it won’t but it may make me tired so I can sleep away some of those hours I usually spend worrying.

I called Beyond Blue a day later which appears at the top of the Google search engine. Not only was that advice blatantly obvious answers which made me question if the guy had even listened to me I ended the call feeling even worse. I did learn that although in the past there had been better serviced through out the public hospital system now it was really just a suicide watch tank and the rest expected to be done outside major hospitals.

So where do you go when life gets way too hard and you need to discuss it? Where do you go when you find you are having major issues coping and even walking out of the front door some days is almost impossible. You find it is compounding and don’t know where to turn?

I would have thought that when you had tried so many options already as I have which simply weren’t working maybe a major hospital might have some good advice.

So in the end where is all of this money in tax we are paying going if more and more we are funding our own healthcare?

Once again I find that it’s mostly smoke and mirrors and when you don’t need these services it seems as if they are on top of it and something is being done but just like DV Connect it’s a case of ‘what’s the fucking point?’.

Day 2,236 Of Domestic Violence – I Mustache You A Question But First I Will Give You A Clue!

I don’t even know where to begin with this one! Other than ‘ha ha funny play on words hey?’ Honestly that’s the best I could come up with!

These usually have a somewhat ‘whimsical’ feel to them. They usually detail the somewhat unbelievable and bizarre trail we found ourselves on. This one is just pissing me off to be honest. The message I sent you, well it’s the truth. Well it is at least from my perspective. I guess I figure if I’m never to be then I at least want to be a memory that lasts a lifetime. One that they look back upon every now again with a huge smile and wonder ‘what ever happened to that scattered little fairy who kidnapped me and took me on a magical journey!’.

Blaa blaa blaa and then there’s you! I am doing my best to not lash out because none of this feeing is your fault. If anything to date you have been the nicest, the sweetest, most real, most understanding, most bravely open and honest, completely real at times without much hindering you and the list could go on for days it would seem. Let’s not forget the funniest.

This anger actually comes from me wondering if the ‘universe’ just hates me? I had already made peace with it quite some time ago but it seems that’s not good enough.

I wrote just 4 days ago one of these titled, ‘Where have all the cowboys gone?’. In a nut shell it was me likening myself to the artist Paula Cole who released a song of that very title in 1997. Just a decade apart it would seem. The ‘sly, somewhat sarcastic complaint about how the search for something other than the empty ‘cliches’ definition is of love still hasn’t resulted in success.’

It was a message from me to someone who also showed me a lot of the things you have. In true irony I am finding you are all getting nicer and all of those positive things I probably needed a long time ago. This comes at a time when I am capable of helping the least. It also makes it that little bit harder to say good bye at the end because I have so many little odd bits of confidence now that wasn’t there before and I have each one of you to thank as you are all responsible for its existence. I came to accept my role or at least a good reason to explain what happens next. I just don’t fall, therefore I don’t need to get back up. I’m not sure if I even know what it feels like anymore. It’s been messed with to the point I don’t trust it’s judgement.

So to the cutest, most ticklish, funniest, beautifully sweet yet lost soul….

Where the effing hell did you come from?

No I’m not suggesting that thanks settle down! Like I said I don’t trust it’s judgement anymore. Plus I have some messed up ‘Disney dream’ of finding a ‘best friend’ who is my equal and in the end as one passes away the other dies of a broken heart or spend shit. Yeh wow I know. So that thought would be nice but let’s face it, it’s delusional it would seem!

Wait. In reality I’m not actually sure of what the hell I’m saying at all, just ‘wow DV all day’. Don’t flatter yourself or do I’m easy and you do deserve good things and to be happy. This is more of a ‘I’m so sorry I can’t help you more than I am right now. I am usually better at this.’

Truth?

I’m not ok either at the moment. None of it makes sense. I miss my son. I’m tired of fighting my own family to be myself and for what I’m saying to be heard. I’m not doing any of it right. I’m lost too. I truly am sorry I can’t be of more help. Thank you for the little adventures, it’s made it possible for my head to stop for a while and for me to breathe. I loved giggling until we made things soft for some reason? _____[insert profound statement which gives us some direction or just makes some sense of this coz I’ve got nothing]____.

Lastly I made you this…..

I feel it sums it up nicely don’t you?

Well? Ok I will let you off this time. Like I said I can see you are so incredibly ’emotionally intelligent’ as a person but it seems you struggle to turn it into words. I am pretty confident you get my drift I hope! However if you do come up with something please let me know. At present I’ve got absolutely nothing here and that’s probably a first!

I mean have a look at how much I can write about having no idea. Imagine if I had one? Scary novel perhaps?

I’m not saying good bye now just getting out the fact I’m also where you are so you’re not alone. When does it stop? I think we will know what maybe?

Ok just because I feel it’s not fair to not mention the adventure here it is. The initial uncomfortable as hell introduction coupled with accusations of previous and secretive ‘super chinesness’ between us which i’d like to set the record straight by saying is simply not true! Bold, blatant and somewhat opprobrious references to something we have now established is a disability and discrimination is alive and well on that front! Test driving a grave site and realising they are probably not worth the money considering the creature comforts. Feeling as if we were getting eaten by mosquitoes EVERYWHERE we went, so many Eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses and my personal favourite, brushing of ones hair/non existent hair behind ones ear in an endearing fashion. Random bodies of water, so much cuteness, possibly a preplanned makeshift bed on the water but astroturf? Unbeknownst to you taking me to a house that someone frequents, that one I’m guessing had even better odds than a needle in a hay stack, incredible actually to the point I couldn’t even get mad! Lol. Making it weird pretty much the entire time and that being so funny I kinda wish I was doing it now. Brief ‘theft’ maybe if two times vehicles and the old ‘threw me shoulder out bro’ classic which I’m sure was executed with so much grace. Pointing at everything! Yep funny! Some treasured Kodak moments…, not! Something so cute and ticklish that now I’m not even sure if it was real or I made it up in my head?? It was hell cute is all! But mostly the incredibly infectious giggles and the rest, you know which bits they are!

So yeh!

Enjoy!

Hopefully see you soon sweet pea!

X

Day 2,234 Of Domestic Violence – Happier

This one goes out to a friend of mine who I had an interesting ‘school excursion’ to the cemetery with this morning. Now this person is hilariously quick witted which I’m sure will get him in loads of trouble when he grows up although something tells me he will have the best fun doing it!

After spending some time last night with my new friend I got to see the most beautifully innocent side to him. One that was kind and thoughtful. One that I wish we all had within us.

Now can I point out this person is only ten years old and not far off towering over me already. He is probably the most ‘intelligent’ ten year old I have come across thus far and at times it was like interacting with someone more than twice his age.

Can I start by saying I’m impressed by your efforts so far. The initial part is always the hardest part but you are nailing it! For someone your age and all that you’ve been through you should be so very proud of yourself. Now I don’t make a habit of being wrong very often so I am quietly confident that my earlier prediction that ‘before long you will be ten times stronger than your mother and I put together.

I enjoyed our conversation today and I know it began with me saving you from potentially being eaten by a very cranky mum but it was really refreshing to see just how much insight you have into yourself and your short 10 years.

Embrace your boisterous and loud side as well as your shy self. At times you will find there is a need to be confident and stand up for yourself so your tough and confrontational side will be needed. You will also need at other times to be quiet observing situations to get a full understanding of what’s going on life.

Personally it’s been an honour becoming your new unicorn, yawny. I think there are so many amazing things to love about you because you are perfectly imperfect so remember that!

Dude if I can give you any advice and yes this advice is for me as well, don’t poke the bear all the time because you get a bit bored. Your mum loves you more than anything in this world and I can sympathise with her current state as this is not something any of us should have to deal with.

Lastly I listen to your song the whole way home today. It’s perfect. Thinking about my current state of mind I really am happier and a lot of that is thanks to you. Never underestimate the impact you can have on someone’s life even when you’re not trying so thank you Seth.

I’m gonna work on that step counter and I’ll see you soon for some big walks and chats.

Lots of love Carly

P.S. I’m calling you on your little ‘master manipulator tactics’. I will give it to you, you are good but I see all so don’t be fooled by my blonde hair!! 😀

Day 2,233 Of Domestic Violence – Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

‘Where have all the cowboys gone?’ For some reason the 1990’s hit by the so called ‘anti feminist’ Paula Cole comes to mind. That is when I think of how things are at present and have been for sometime. No not literally! Just like I’m sure the song was intended in 1997, as a sly, somewhat sarcastic complaint about how the search for something other than the empty ‘cliches’ definition is of love still hasn’t resulted in success. Thus my reference to it.

Suddenly I feel like maybe Paula Cole and I might be the same person just a decade apart?

It’s also kind of a message to someone. Someone who if I’m correct in my previous assumptions, of having higher intelligence will get where I’m at totally (after listening to the song again).

The past few days I have kind of been thinking about this person who jokingly called me ‘Germaine Greer’ the first night we met. Funny how a room can be full yet no one can get a fairly simple reference. Maybe you just have to be a person who reads a book once a decade to be that kind of funny?

Maybe it’s not funny at all to the general consensus but to be honest I’ve missed talking to someone who might know about things I didn’t previously know. I feel a huge lack of ‘mental stimulation’ at present from someone my own age, who is equally as innocently sweet yet substantially troubled enough to laugh about all their misfortune.

So I guess to that person, ‘Hi! I hope you find yourself somewhere better than where I am which is crisis overload but at the same time bored as hell by it all and wondering what the point of it all is’.

As someone I have come to absolutely adore would say, ‘maybe another space and time?’.

Until then, good night!