Day 2,246 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To My Love Part 2

I wrote this yesterday. I don’t think I’m as angry today with you but the fact remains the same. You let me down. The sad fact is days like yesterday happen more often than not these days.

I’ve previously written about loving someone means you have to decide whether the good outweigh the bad but this time I’m not sure they do. Letting go of someone after so long is hard and I often wonder whether it’s a case of me just being so familiar with this person that keeps me from never bothering with him again. Would he allow me to do this much damage?

It’s not a nice feeling and makes it hard when you also question whether that person was ever real in the first place. Maybe just something you made up in your head the entire time because you chose to be blind.

The older I get the less answers I seem to have anymore.

Scott,

You took this photo of us that day. You wanted to remember the exact date and time we finally got together despite our 4 year history.

One very messy morning after a Slipknot concert, in our old room with Spikey photobombing us was the beginning of something special for both of us. At least I thought so.

For the first time I wanted to grow up and I knew I’d found my best friend some days before. You and I had history and to be honest I was never a fan of that version of you. The one I met again that day at Harbour Town stopped me in my tracks. That has only ever happened to me once in this lifetime so far.

The biggest transformation was yours. It was because of you I learned that you can’t change people. If they are going to change they will do that themselves. I watched a career criminal decide to change his life and try something he hadn’t ever done before and you were amazing at it. You know this. Why? Because you wanted to be good enough for me. You saw that despite my past that I had changed my life and wanted to share a life with me.

Fast forward 12 years to today. So it’s been more than a decade and it’s anything but the fairytale ending for us both, or at least our version of a fairytale we planned on it being.

Well you would have got my letter by now? People have tried to convince me you’re not even in there anymore but I know you are, you have to be! You left me out here on my own. You lied to me and I will never forgive you for that. We had history and planned a life but you did what you always do and you were selfish. Yes I have always been the one that was stronger but this time I needed you to be strong for me.

I hate you, really. For hurting me. For making me feel like I was lied to by you! I hate you for being so rude to me and pushing me away. I doubted the beautiful things you ever told me when you got caught in a lie. So now I think no one will ever accept me completely the way you did.

I still love you and probably always will and that makes me hate you even more. I want you to get this in case one day soon I’m no longer me. For now I’m still here but I can feel it slipping away and I’m not sure what will be left soon. I have always been strong but everyone has their breaking point. The difference is I don’t think I will come back once I’m gone.

And for the millionths time is by Coal Chamber, ‘Dark Day’s’ but it’s more of a cruel joke now isn’t it?

I’ve got a new one for you. Alice Ivy, ‘Almost There’.

I hope you’re enjoying your stay! What is this number 7? Get you’re shit together, you’re better than this!!

Lots of love

Miss Webb

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Day 2,245 Of Domestic Violence – The Art Of MAN-ipulation 101

Man-eater, temptress, master manipulator, puppeteer, siren, witch. These are just a few words that have been used to describe me in the past. To say I don’t know I’m even doing it would be a lie. Let just say I’m skilled in the art of a coquettish and have been for most of my life. Now I haven’t always used this talent for good as opposed to evil in the past. Since having my son I decided if I wanted him to one day have a fulfilling relationship with someone who loves and respects him and has his best interests at heart than I had better become someone like that myself.

For all that I know though the ending always seems to be the same, I find I’m never the one chosen in the end. On the other hand I’m the one they never forget or the one they can’t control themselves around. I’m the one your girlfriend hates because she catches you starring at me. In general females simply seem to hate me and I end up being one of the boys all the time. I don’t understand woman in general to be honest and seem to instead avoid them but this seems to get me in further trouble.

Why is this? I think it’s a simple case of me understanding the male brain a little more than most. Why is it when woman want to save a relationship some will intentionally get pregnant? Since when does a baby spice up your life? Sleepless nights, the smell of baby vomit and a new massive expense that ties you to someone for life! In no way is that sexy! Why not go out for dinner or if you’re strapped for cash simply smile…. it free! The addition of a child in most cases just means you will forever have this person you once had the best of times with tied to you for life and over the years become more and more bitter with you.

Now please don’t take me for some kind of idiot who thinks that woman need to please a man here. I believe in equal rights and that relationships are a two way street so in saying the above I also have advice for the other side too!

Men. Please stop trying to find your mother and a partner in the same person. Why? Well when it comes to you trying to show some sort of dominance over us please don’t wonder why we dig our heels in. If you don’t want to be self sufficient and treat us like your mother please don’t expect to ever be in charge or have us take you seriously in life. In my opinion there is nothing sexier than a man who can look after himself, is self sufficient and if they have children is a good father who is civil towards their ex partner in the best interest of their children.

Relationships are hard and breaking up is hard but for some of us that stay single at times people find this weird. I’ve been told by someone who was interested in me before, ‘but you’re single’ almost like I don’t have the right to say no. Guess what just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m interested in you or that it means I am obligated to do anything with you. I am allowed to say no because I simply don’t want to!

Why is it so crazy that I would like my son back and then decide who we invite into our lives and not for me to start a new life without him? He is my number one and I’m sorry if that offends anyone but tough shit to be honest!

Also I’ve decided to be very picky to be honest. I am self sufficient and independent and I’m going to find someone who is the same. Someone who is more of an whole person on their own first. Not someone who needs me or my addition completes their life. I’m also no longer going to get caught up in this weird phenomenon I’ve notice of anyone only ever being interested in someone if the other person isn’t. Is it the thrill of the chase which entices a person? I find more often than not it ends up in a race to see who can throw the other person away first. For some reason we have all become addicted to rejecting people but deep down our greatest fear is being the one rejected.

Why is this?

Why does it mean that when the little boy in the playground likes us he pushes us in the dirt? Why can’t he just say he likes us? Then everyone knows where they stand rather than trying to work out what he really means? Maybe we like him too so there you go everyone’s on the same page!

I have had people freak out when I’ve been upfront with them. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection that lacks in me that scares them? I don’t know to be honest but I decided a long time ago to stop playing games with peoples emotions and for that I’m not sorry.

This one ends here. No real answers but food for thought I think in the end.

Day 2,207 Of Domestic Violence – Don’t Be That Guy!

What is friendship? It should mean caring and understanding for someone outside your family circle. In a sense the creation of an extended family. The beautiful thing is you get to enjoy the highs and lows of someone’s life, such as their kids growing up with yours and as it is a relationship by choice rather than blood it can be very much a better fit than the ones forced upon you by birth.

I lost a very good friend about 2 years ago after over 20 years friendship. While we weren’t always joined at the hip and did spend periods in different friendship circles we managed to always gravitate back towards each other. From best friends in year 3 and sleeping over at each other’s house every week end to becoming mothers of our first children the same year. This I’m not going to touch on as it is a painful reminder.

So if we gravitate back towards each other then why do I talk about her like it’s final? Well when my life fell apart in 2016, I’m sure I was painful and hearing about it all the time was hard work but she chose to turn a blind eye and sadly I haven’t heard from her since. I did see her at the shopping centre where she worked on her lunch break at one point. I drew a line in the sand when she almost waked straight through me as I tried to say hi.

I like to think I am a realistic person at the end of the day. I feel my ability to be understanding of others and the world around me is pretty fair. I get that she had her own life and I’m not expecting anything really other than maybe just for her to say ‘oh hi’ that day. Or just a text every couple of months to say ‘love you and thinking about you’. While it’s easy to be a new friend keeping long-standing friendships is hard. I have a couple of special friends who do this and even though I usually steer away from naming people I think these ones deserve to know how much good their little bit of love does in keeping me on track!

So to my very dear and longtime friends, Mandy and Kristy!! I am forever grateful for your messages every couple of months and I love you guys. This is a rough journey forever made that little bit easier thanks to you guys! I hope to repay the favour or at least live up to the very high standard you’ve set! I hope you and your beautiful little families are doing ok and I can’t wait to get back to fun times watching our kids play together again.

So when it comes to being a friend? Have I always been the best example? Probably not. I have from time to time maybe been someone I couldn’t consider worthy of being on the list next to the above two names but in all honesty I’ve probably dropped the ball more times than not. That doesn’t dishearten me or make me want to just give up! It certainly doesn’t make me want to set out to screw a friend over or anyone who doesn’t at least deserve it! You know who you are. Part of me feels responsible for bringing you two together that day. I have already made the comment to you ‘you don’t even do a good job at being an a#*hole because your response is still, no matter how hard you try understanding and caring’. Right now you are playing a character you and I both know is not the real you.

I’m not going to take back the last thing I wrote because I still believe it to be true. People make mistakes, in the end it’s what you do about it. While this was not really a ‘thing’ and I’m not hurt or upset as a friend can I tell you, dick move dude! Bicycles shouldn’t be ridden by that many people! I mean who am I to point finders? I feel like I try and have a little bit of class, this is why I pay my way and believe I should be able to support myself. I don’t know if I could live with myself or at least respect myself if people spoke about me that way.

In retrospect he was more ‘real’ than you were. Despite his life being in a really shitty position at the time which I’m guessing has become a little harder now he at least had a grasp on reality and the world around him. He also had a healthier self worth than you obviously do because he did not need the ‘hero’ statements or the bullshit glossed over crap that falls out of your mouth from time to time. Don’t get me wrong I get why it exists but you don’t need to hurt others because you obviously want to punish yourself. He is brave enough to say ‘here’s me, flaws and all’ which in reality tells me he is so much further in the right direction when it comes to ‘healthy self esteem and self worth’. I don’t think he has much to be jealous of at this point, maybe it’s you who should be jealous of him.

In the end I’d be more like him than you. The saddest part is and I don’t know if you’ve noticed it but I’m guessing he doesn’t let people in very often. He seems quiet and reserved most of the time, almost like there’s not much going on at all with him but if you dig even just the smallest bit you find someone who is weird, funny, smart as hell, kind and would have your back in a second. All it seems he asks for is that you don’t screw him over and maybe just be a genuine person! At the same time he seems lost and disheartened but not sufficiently broken that he has turned into what I describe an ‘aberration’ with behaviours similar to the ones you appear to be displaying. They are all consuming, soul destroying creatures who are incapable of ever feeling any genuine human connection. Much like the one you have found yourself shacked up with at present and one that sadly appears to have done a number on his life for sometime now. While I didn’t know him all that long he did become extremely open and real with me almost immediately and it’s not something I take lightly. These things can be lost in people and never return so they need for them to be treated with the up most respect.

When we were with you that day, I noticed him a couple of times look over at me like he was uneasy but glad I was there to have his back. For all that he is and what he himself is capable of it’s a pretty devastating realisation that something as simple as the ‘human condition’ can turn a person ordinarily seen as terrifying into someone who almost feels safer having a tiny 5’5″ girl in a situation to have his back. Realistically what can I do? Other than actually have his back?

Well in the interest of practicing what I preach I felt the need to write this. You know what you are doing is pretty low so I’m guessing that’s why you are in a sense hiding? Yes this is my platform but it seems like the best way to have a message reach you because I know you read these.

So what to say? You know already though. That’s the saddest part. Having to explain it or better yet say it out load like you are an idiot isn’t pleasurable for me in the slightest. I don’t enjoy treating people I care about like morons but right now that’s how you’re acting. Most people turn a blind eye to almost anything. I am not one of those people.

I know you get it and your attempt at ‘destroying your life’ because you don’t think you deserve anything good is probably a waste of time maybe? It would be a shame if you lost anymore time not being ok with you because I know you are! You’re a pussy who is just too scared to do it because you care too much about what others think. Now I know you don’t have what a lot of them have and that is a need to be a ‘hero’. You do genuinely care about people and I’d like to believe you genuinely care about me. Despite it feeling like I was making a fool of myself because I’m not your typical female, I’m going to turn up and make a scene thinking that will win your heart. In reality it you want to act that way I don’t particularly want to waste my time with you. I genuinely know what I’m worth and it’s not to waste my time of someone that behaves the way you do. I’m not afraid to say it as I don’t care who it is or how it looks because just like the girl who yelled at you and you followed around like a lost puppy the first time you met her I will stand up for myself and put you in your place when you need it. I did turn up to the shed because I do have a genuine concern about something and not sure where to go. You told me to do that if I needed and I believed that! Like I said I don’t ask for help very often. This is not one I can use my powers on and no it’s not my doing. This concerns two people trying to make their lives better but an outside force who was set to oppress one of them and stomp the other one out for helping him because he does not want to let go. I emphasise the fact that safety is of the up most importance.

I know you saw me and that’s probably why you ran off like a coward. The young guy in the car was my brother and even he said ‘you looked scary but you were still very nice’ so it’s not just me who sees the truth. Her on the other hand he described as more of a banshee so let’s ask ourselves, ‘what’s the pay off?’. Is the need to destroy your life that great?

If and when you run into each other again can you look him in the eye knowing what you did? Say what you want but I witnessed both of you choose to switch off from the outside world, forfeiting that so called ‘money’ you apparently love so much and actually enjoy yourself because in the end it was like watching two school girls at a sleepover. You had so much fun you ended up sick and needing to be babied.

Why do I need to even need to say any of this to you? You are the smartest one I’ve found so far, not to mention the most genuine at your core. I think it’s hilarious how you joke ‘why don’t you blog about it’ which would give the impression to most you thought it was ridiculous and a waste of time but I know you will read this. Now although you were very good, you still dropped little snippets of information that one could only have known by reading one or two of these. If you don’t then I guess it’s your loss in the end. Remember when I offered you genuine love and respect as a friend? Well tough love is still love although I don’t think I have been that tough on you here! Better late than never and it’s not going to be easy looking him in the face but even I had to say something the other day to someone making a joke of his situation. I certainly don’t like it when I’m in that position and I’m sure either do you. It’s hard to find good people and better yet good friends so when and where you can grab them and remember to say thanks to them because they deserve it!! They make you a little stronger which can’t be purchased so your theory of money meaning happiness is disproven once again so before you self destruct too badly, putting it bluntly ‘get your shit together and stop proving just how poorly you can do an impression of an idiot who just doesn’t get it and me to be right’! It’s unbecoming of you!

Ok so why am I holding you to a higher standard? Because you’re smarter than your average bear and I know you get it. Nat has never said that about any male to my knowledge before so that probably means something. The pay off for us is that one day I’m sure we all get to find our piece of happiness. We also get to live if we choose to a life without strings. One that is rich and full and most never get to enjoy because they are bound by strings. Right now you are bound by strings by your own self destructive self . Putting it bluntly, you’re not getting any younger and if you want those things you thought you missed out on in this life then wake up to yourself. The way you are going you will be back inside before you know it and at best you may knock up some bimbo along the way but I can tell you from experience, although the child is perfect the way they are having one with someone who is not right can turn catastrophic and completely ruin your life and rob you and your child of many years which can’t be bought or got back. Learn from my mistakes or don’t it’s up to you! I offered you unconditional as a friend but it’s up to you whether you want it or not.

All the best you sweet creature who is stranger than strange who I had Thai from a random food van on the side of a mountain.

Thinking about it now, that van was weird and I’ve never seen anything quite like that? Why did we’re they there so late and why did they seem to pack up and leave after us? I didn’t see anyone else order from them? For some reason it feels like that van was out there for us rather than us stumbling upon it. No it’s nothing like that, it’s almost like this is a ‘Truman Show’ style occurrence which would mean we were purposefully placed in each other’s lives and cutting those strings is infinite!

Why?

I don’t know? I mean I’m good but I don’t know everything!

Anyway I talk too much so I will work on that lol. You need to stop playing a part in your own life and start actually living it. If not then go back to hiding but stop hurting those around you who have the courage to be themselves despite them not being perfect.

Day 1,200 Of Domestic Violence – Brother From Another

Dear Brother From Another

The way I could describe you is the same way I would love someone to describe me. You are funny, smart, quick witted and a beautiful person who I know has the potential to do amazing things. You are kind and genuinely caring which is not easily found in people these days. You see those around you when others walk by which is beautiful and don’t ever loose that quality about yourself! Life is about causing the least damage to those around you not things. Things can come and go but experience can never be taken away from you.

What can I say? It’s hard being us. Very much so I want to be here but at the same time this life feels like a cruel joke. I have seen my friend from school, work colleagues and family members slot in nicely to this world. I’m not delusional in thinking it’s all roses for them or that they are living a fairytale but when I think some of the ‘hardest lessons’ I’ve had to learn or some of the things I’ve had to overcome I can bet my last dollar that their struggle has not been a fraction of what mine has been.

I have lost count of the amount times the lesson had been one so cruel or harsh that it has changed me but probably not for the better. I have lost count of the times the outcome has been simply ‘too bad’. I have lost count the amount of times it has been clear injustice but nobody listened. I have lost count the amount of times it has contravened my human rights but no body cared.

I have reported rape and been left like I was nothing by police. Only to endure further acts of violence and still nobody cares. Even after that still finding the strength to speak out but the outcome the same. My son was kidnapped but police wouldn’t do anything. I was told ‘this isn’t going to be easy’ by the officer who took my statement after months of domestic violence. This being after they told me it was the only way to stay safe. My greatest regret is standing up for something so many ad campaigns tell me are my god given right because I lost 2 years with me son. This is why I make so much noice now but even then I’m threatened and they attempt to silence me. People have lied to keep my son from me but somehow got away with it. It’s not right and it’s not fair but it’s ignored by those who make the decisions. In the end I can’t get the time back so what do I do other than regret the entire thing. No apologies will mend what is broken inside me.

They often ask me ‘why don’t you get a job or just fix your life’. None of those statement help because the fact is I’m too broken to be part of their world right now and they can’t even see how that might have happened. I have tried to kill myself but failed. It was to make them see what they were doing to me is hurting so bad that I didn’t want to be anymore: Everyday I regret waking up because it has never resulted in him coming home to me. Some days I wonder why I didn’t do it properly a long time ago because it doesn’t look like it will ever change. I question whether I simply enjoy it now because surly I should have known it would never end.

The worst thing is I don’t even remember what it was like to be a mother anymore and that further fuels this feeling of emptiness and despair.

What have I learnt from all of this that might help you? I don’t know? I often hope it’s one of those hero stories they write books about? Not that it’s something I’m aiming for, more because those people’s stories are so out in the open that the ones who sort to destroy them can’t get close to them ever again. My life at 19 would almost fill a book and I thought that after overcoming that and ‘fixing myself’ I could never end up back there. To my surprise this life has would end up a much longer book. It would be and more intricate than being 19 and looking massive charges and being the centre of an investigation for over 2 years. All I know is I can’t do this a third time and I wish we had the ability to see the future because I want to know if we will be ok. Knowing that will make this easier and help me keep going because more days than not now I want to give up.

All I know is I want you here. I wish I had more for you because I feel that I let you down most days but I’m doing my best. I love you and want you around, you have no idea. I loved your story the other day and I love how protective of me you are. It made me feel special and worth something. Please know I feel the same about you my little brother. I hope we make it and I am doing my best to get us there!

Lots of love

Your new big sister and one of your biggest fans!

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Tonight’s anthem

itunes.apple.com/au/album/this-again/1327028522