Day 1,187 Of Domestic Violence – Lie To Me

I often wonder what it is about the masses and their need to lie to each other. To make up stories and better yet lie to themselves. Is it really that hard to own up to your shit? I know I’m not perfect but I do try to be as honest with the rest of the world and most importantly myself.

Life seems to me more than not filled with one liner crap that is both not helpful and to me patronising. ‘Be the bigger person’, ‘enjoy the little things’, ‘follow your dreams’, ‘two birds in a bush’ and the list honestly goes on. How about ‘bored of being bored because being bored is boring’. There you go now life all fixed. No? Why not? I thought saying generic crap just fixed everything? Like ‘why didn’t you just leave your abusive partner’. Wow thanks that’s where I went wrong ‘I baked him a cake instead hoping he’d stop physically, verbally, emotionally abusing me and destroying anything and everything he could in an attempt to exhaust me and drive me to the brink of mental breakdown so that I would stay in the relationships and endure more torture because he get off on that shit’. Sometimes life isn’t black and white. Sometimes people have a shitty day and have the right to feel like they have been treated unfairly. Sometimes they are just venting and not looking for a hero so can we all listen a bit more and suggest shitty obvious answers a bit less? Is this why we give up on relationships so easily? The honeymoon period is over and things get tough? It’s a fact of life and I think we throw people away too easily.

I want to find another human who is simply just a nice person, confident in themselves (in a healthy way), independent and will stand beside me and support me when I need it and for me to do the same. The biggest things in this life that make me furious and are an absolute dealbreaker are liars, cheats and people who will step on others to get what they want. I never thought it would be this difficult.

Now I am human which means I am not perfect. ‘I have never been exactly this old before so give me a break because I’m doing it all for the first time’. I mess up and I can’t expect to be justified in feeling wronged if I can’t first admit that I have, whether on purpose or not wrongs someone before. Otherwise we are all right but we are all wrong and let’s face it it’s not working currently is it?

Sometimes I snap and overreact to situations. Sometimes I just take things out on the wrong people because the right ones are not around to feel my frustration. I’m sure that everyday I make a mistake and I hope that I at least own up to it, especially if it effected someone around me I cared about.

Since when did it suddenly become ok to do just about anything we want, right or wrong as long as you lie about it and that lie sticks? It’s ridiculous really, I’ve heard some top shelf ones including, ‘have you ever heard of Bowen Hills Liam?’. I had to ask this ‘dickhead’, ‘did you actually just say a suburb followed by your name?’. The answer is yes. Wow! He also told me his mother was a prostitute who lived in Central Australia and dying of cancer. He told me how he grew up in the streets, doing it tough amongst other things. Turns out 2 years ago ‘Bowen Hills Liam’ was happy and healthy, play fighting with his siblings in a delightful photo on his happy and healthy mothers Facebook page. He had no tattoos, his mother did not look like a prostitute and she wasn’t in Central Australia dying at all. What do I say to that? Seriously if I told a story like that and people found out I’d move countries. I would be mortified beyond belief but here he was casually strolling around pretending everyone didn’t notice. I’m sorry but what the fuck? His mother was in his friends list so he didn’t hide her too well. I still tell that story because I can’t even believe it happened it’s so stupid!

This is what I mean. Why the hell do people make up these crazy stories and think no one noticed it wasn’t true?

Why are we all lying to ourselves so much though? Do these people actually believe their own stories in the end? Is this where it’s going wrong. Kinda ‘fake it till you make it’ but on steroids. Don’t you want to live an honest life or at least live one we want to share because we are proud of who and what we have become? If not, doesn’t that just make us our own puppets in our own pretend Hollywood blockbusters lives we’ve made up because it sounds better than our actual life, you know the one we’ve actually lived.

So when it comes to teaching children about domestic violence I’ve been hit with comments like ‘oh no, year one is way too young to be talking to them about that’. This concept completely perplexes me as I am not sure if people realise that some kids in year one actually live in a domestically violent environment and have never known any different. Does that mean a lot of people don’t believe the existence of domestic violence or is it that not until we are 18 that we can become potentially susceptible to it?

Ok let’s stick our heads in the sand then shall we. It’s not working the way it is now why the hell should we try something new?

How about if trying this way doesn’t work we can go back to the way it isn’t currently working and we will be no worse off?

Why can’t we help educate children as early as year one as to what a domestic violence situation looks like? Don’t you think that getting to them as early as possible and educating them about how what they are experiencing at home is not a healthy way to live? Who knows maybe they will speak up and intervention and/or help for mum or dad might begin sooner and save a hell of a lot of trauma and future broken adults abusing substance, self medicating and generally having poor self worth due to an entire childhood of trauma and abuse?

Food for thought I guess.

I am not ashamed of what I’ve been through but it certainly won’t define me.

So to all those liars out there. It is not glazed over when you are caught out. You look stupid! It does not excuse shitty behaviour and it certainly doesn’t make it ok.

Love your life and be proud of the decisions you make and the person you are.

Anything less is a waste of everyone’s time.

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Day 2,103 Of Domestic Violence – Pain Is Only Skin Deep

Pain. When I look around lately it’s all I seem to see. A sea of faces from all walks in pain. One thing used to numb that pain bringing people who ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed paths together with one common goal in life. To numb that pain.

So is it a case of the world and it’s people being in more pain than ever or is this just a different crutch we use and humans have always felt this much pain?

I read up on the Great Depression earlier this year as I met a lovely lady who was in her 90’s. She had been apart of the Salvation Army since then and credited much of her surviving the Great Depression. She told me how she would sneak off and have morning tea provided by the Army and without that much needed food probably would have starved as food was scares. To this day she was eternally grateful for the opportunity she was given and enjoyed every opportunity she got to pay that kindness back.

How does that translate to today? Do we as people care more or less about those in pain? How do we stop so much pain or is it something we need to just accept will always exist? Is this the key to our journey being easier?

How do I make this journey easier for my son. It pains me to think of him feeling anything close to what I’ve felt thus far. I almost feel guilt for his existence as I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

More and more I have less answers. They say that the older we get the wiser we get but I question whether that is true.

I guess this is where I leave this one.

Day 2,042 Of Domestic Violence – Where Do You Go When No One Cares?

Maybe I’m just extra specially unlucky or maybe no one really cares? At this point I’m not sure which one it is.

Recently I wrote to the Crime and Corruption Commission (CCC) regarding failures I have been involved with first hand when it comes to the Queensland Police Service.

My complaint covered things such as:

– Police refusing to intervene surrounding the kidnapping of my then 6 year old son by a family member who was unhappy about my domestic violence issues being reported.

– My previous complaint to the Queensland Police Service which resulted in a phone call from the Sandgate Police officer in charge. I was informed that further training would be done and I would be updated but obviously was not taken seriously as I never heard back.

– Complaint about my ex partner who I was in a domestically violent relationship with was using a current officers who he went to school with to intimidate me. I phoned the officer who said this matter would have to be delt with and I would need to talk to them but I never heard anything.

– Break and enter resulting rape, documented by he GP immediately after and reported in the state members office with his office manager present as I made the statement. This was made to the officers who attended the scene and the same ones that told me to drive myself to the station. A station where they failed to log the call out and subsequently this is how I fell through the cracks and no one came to see why I didn’t attend the station as no one knew.

And the list goes on!

I received a reply! Insufficient evidence apparently. Isn’t it enough that I have documentation from Victims Assist classing incidents as rape? Letters from the GP documenting the incident moments after it happened? How about email and an official letter from the state members office stating I was in the office and someone from their office was in the room? How about he name of he detective that told me himself it was not recorded?

Excuse me but it’s a fucking disgrace. Insufficient evidence? Here are the photos taken moments before they attended the scene. Now tell me how you forget to record an incident?

So I ask you where the hell do you go when no one cares?

Day 2,013 Of Domestic Violence – Standing Up To My Daddy Issues

They talk about ‘Daddy issues’ as a joke sometimes but to be honest they are more real than we like to think.

My father was an angry, self righteous, physically and verbally abusive, controlling mess and still is to this day. Most of my life I have been told ‘that’s just the way he is’ as if I should just accept that behavior and allow it to continue. Well no. I’m sorry I won’t have it in my life. It was a few years ago now that I decided to stand my ground, tell him what I thought and take back what he has attempted to take from me. What was that? For a long time this was a man I was terrified of and by letting things go he took my confidence and my right to feel like I mattered.

He does not and has not currently got a place in my life. Part of this is his choice but mostly mine. This is a loss for him not so much for me as I get my examples currently from two men who have been I my life for a long time, my amazing godfather and very good friend who took me walking when I was at my lowest.

A lot of this early damaging behavior from my father translated to relationships I was in and I was putting up with controlling behaviors, eventually physically abusive behaviors and allowing them to make me feel like I was less than equal to them.

Today. I fend for myself and do a pretty good job of it. I have a job in which I can support myself, a home of my own, this blog, I manage to feed myself, cloth myself and on the odd occasion help out someone in need. All the while not having a man.

I still though most times invite men into my life that share a lot of the same qualities as my father. The ones that turn up when they feel like it, as if their stuff is more important so I should sit around waiting for them instead of expect them to be there when they say or at least let me know there’s been a delay. I make a joke about ‘you should have let us vote’ or ‘they make our feet smaller so we can get closer to the washing up’ but that’s my way of saying ‘hey it’s not the 1930’s get a clue’.

So over time they have all looked different, from different backgrounds and different personalities. They all seem to share the same quality which is someone who really when you look at them doesn’t have their shit together at all. They do however have all the opinions in the world about how I can fix my life but seem to put none of their own advice into practice. They seem to think that my schedule should come second to theirs and while it’s acceptable for me to sit on the edge of my seat waiting for them, if the tables were turned would be horrified or simply wouldn’t accept the same treatment from me.

So although I have identified the issues here I do not seem to be changing the behaviors. So much so I am beginning to frustrate myself at times. Purely out of frustration I’m tempted to tag you all in this but I won’t. That would be nasty on my part and not conducive to the outcome I’m seeking. The sad part is for most of you who I know for a fact read these, and there is more than one. This will go completely over your head. I am not perfect and I’m aware of this but you too may also find yourselves alone in the future, if not then it will probably be with someone who is not seen as an equal or with major self esteem issues that they settle for less than they are with and that is the saddest part. We are all worth the same and worth having people in our lives who encourage us and make us feel equal.

No more not less.