It’s a strange paradox when you consider how everyone around you is on this quest for happiness, yet going to great lengths to ensure they find misery and pain. Constant states of delusion seem to be their resting heartbeat as they all mindlessly wander around, destructively bumping into each other on this deluded quest for the life none of them will have.
I often feel like I am in a room full of people screaming but no one can hear me. It’s caused me to expect nothing in this life, ensuring I get everything I want in the end. It’s a sad realisation born out of disappointment and heartbreak due to the fact that I am not a soul destroying female. The saying “nice guys finish last” isn’t born out of people taking a persons kindness the way it’s intended and for me it’s only ever meant that I am the one taken for a ride every time. I am sick of being the person that my partners learn the lesson in life about how it feels to hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it. So these days I don’t.
The only time I feel any uncomfortable emotions is when I find myself missing things like waking up next to someone, even though I’ve never woken up beside them before. It’s illogical and irrational but it does not change the fact that it just is. This is where I realise that I too can suffer the same delusions at times, I am just a little more attuned to it so this is why I snap out of it unlike most. It seems the life we live in our head is always going to be better than the real one. It will always be perfect because it does not have to suffer the fate of being real or having flaws.
So is loneliness just another word for freedom in the end?
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 