I’ve done a fairly good job of fooling everyone into believing that I am a cold person. Some may even be under the impression that I simply don’t feel certain emotions but the truth is I feel them every second of the day and to the endth degree and it’s so incredibly painful. It’s been this way my entire life and I suspect this is why my Grandfather used to say “no one will ever understand me but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me”.
So I’ve learnt who I need to be in front of what type of person through trial and error. I strategically choose people for certain roles in my life in order to take control of my reality. This is so I don’t run the risk of leaving myself open for the wrong kind of person to destroy my world. Some might say that it’s unfair and this may in fact be a huge flaw of mine but I have seen the damage people do to innocent creatures for no apparent reason and some of them never recover.
The characters I play and the mannerisms I’ve adopted are nothing more than a trick of perspective in the end because if I keep people at arms length or never really let them see me, it’s harder for them to see my weaknesses or the cracks from so far away. I guess if they say how unsteady my footing really is almost all of the time I’d become an easy target so I put on the mask and play the role. I am so used to doing it that I get bored whilst in character and see what I can get away with but if they saw how truly lost and scared I am out here in the world on my own they’d eat me for breakfast. This is scary to me because at the end of the day I am the only person I can count on these days and when it’s time to pick up the pieces I do that alone.
I didn’t realise how seldom I am the real me to be honest until recently. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t know what I was doing at the time, I don’t know to be honest. This time I don’t think it was conscious at all but one particular night I found myself putting my foot down with someone after sitting around waiting for him to turn up again. While it did start a lot different to all the others, to begin with there were no feelings so it didn’t phase me to cut ties. What I didn’t anticipate was the fact that he would hear me and actually turn up. What followed I was not prepared for and before I knew it I had dropped the whole facade and it left me realising I’d never actually made love to anyone before that night. I don’t know if you noticed how quiet I was, well let’s just say that’s not normal but that’s because I didn’t have a clue what to say.
Now I think I hate you for it and I never wanted for that to happen. I like to think it went both ways but I’ve been wrong before. I guess the fact that I don’t know is a lot of the reason I unfairly set you up to be ‘the bad guy’ in this current situation. The more I think about it that’s probably what made me lash out at you because you didn’t turn up the other night.
I don’t know if sorry is the right word at this point because I guess I knew what I was doing to some degree. Let’s face it you hadn’t turned up how many times before, did I really think you’d turn up that night? The part of me that existed in the beginning and believes in things that aren’t real hoped you would. The grown up in me knew that you probably wouldn’t because when it comes to me no one ever does and I don’t really know why. I had gone home and was a bit of a mess knowing what I potentially had to do the next day so to have you message me hours later to make a joke of me, and let’s be honest you were, well I guess that made me more determined to punish you but you also coped the punishment I had bottled up for every other person I’d counted on in the past and been let down. Was it unfair? I want to say yes but you couldn’t turn up once? I didn’t want to tell you over the phone because maybe I wanted you to turn up for me.
If I’m big enough to say that I lashed out of you then I think you can be man enough to admit you made a joke of me. Do I think it’s personal? No I don’t. I think you intentionally hurt the things that mean the most to you because you don’t believe you deserve them. Believe it or not but people probably exist in your life and stand by you for reasons of their own that have nothing to do with you. How dare you punish people because you don’t act in a way that has you believe you deserve it. I deserve for people to show up for me and they never do. If you don’t like who you see in the mirror then change it so you do otherwise you’re going to have people like me walk out of your life and look back at the whole thing as a waste of time and a ruined friendship and you might have wanted that but I certainly didn’t.
I’m going to leave I here. Do I want you to turn up? Yes. Do I think you will? I’m not going to hold my breath in the end….
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 