Day 2,103 Of Domestic Violence – Pain Is Only Skin Deep

Pain. When I look around lately it’s all I seem to see. A sea of faces from all walks in pain. One thing used to numb that pain bringing people who ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed paths together with one common goal in life. To numb that pain.

So is it a case of the world and it’s people being in more pain than ever or is this just a different crutch we use and humans have always felt this much pain?

I read up on the Great Depression earlier this year as I met a lovely lady who was in her 90’s. She had been apart of the Salvation Army since then and credited much of her surviving the Great Depression. She told me how she would sneak off and have morning tea provided by the Army and without that much needed food probably would have starved as food was scares. To this day she was eternally grateful for the opportunity she was given and enjoyed every opportunity she got to pay that kindness back.

How does that translate to today? Do we as people care more or less about those in pain? How do we stop so much pain or is it something we need to just accept will always exist? Is this the key to our journey being easier?

How do I make this journey easier for my son. It pains me to think of him feeling anything close to what I’ve felt thus far. I almost feel guilt for his existence as I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

More and more I have less answers. They say that the older we get the wiser we get but I question whether that is true.

I guess this is where I leave this one.

Day 2,332 Of Domestic Violence – Suicide Blonde

Is is a fear of intimacy or closeness, maybe it’s the fear of abandonment or fear of loss that drives us to play ‘relationship ping pong’? What do I mean by relationship ping pong? I mean the art of feeding off each other’s behaviour. We assume that we’ve done something wrong or the other person has done something wrong. Then before you know it we’re yelling at each other and no one knows what the hell is going on. Trying to work out exactly which ‘fear’ I have or how many of them I have is difficult and exhausting some days. What ever the mix it creates a perfect storm of worried faces, misconstrued stares and a whole lot of drama that did not need to exist in the first place.

As children, the world is this magical place, things are black and white and it’s simple. Or so we think. Overtime in a heartbreaking realisation we are show first hand just how cruel the human condition can truly be. The level of damage all depends I think by chance as opposed to factors such as socioeconomic, circumstance or the friends we choose to have. I’m not an expert but when thinking about narcissism as a characteristic it exists in all walks of life so it brings me to the assumption that possibly all the traits that can be damaging to us also exists in all walks of life.

I remember taking my son to Cedar Creek Falls almost every day in summer. He would collect rocks and try to block off the flow of water coming down from the mountains. I loved that even though life had ‘broken me’ in a sense and I knew there was no way he was stopping the flow of water coming down from the mountains, it still didn’t stop him from having a go at 4 year old. I loved how he honestly believed that if he tried hard enough it could be done. There’s something about that which is beautifully pure and untainted by the world. Something that we loose within ourselves the more we are damaged. Sadly the more damage that’s done to us the more damage we do to others and the cycle continues.

To you. No it’s not me pushing you away or me changing the way I feel. It me trying to hold onto what’s left of me. Last week was the worst week of my entire life. They say good things come to those who wait and while I may have a million reasons to think that to be untrue, you came to me just before for some reason. I hate to think where I’d be without you and that crazy little lady especially this week. You said to me, ‘I need you in my life to be happy and I’m not afraid to says that’. It’s a sentence I will never forget and definitely one I think about every time we do fight because I feel exactly the same. You are my safe space, I get the way I do when I think it may not be real because I want it to be real more than anything.

In the end we are damaged but as long as we both want the same thing nothing can stop us from finally finding that space in time where we are happy!

You make everyday since I met you so much better. You are so weird, hilariously funny and while I can wait, I can’t wait to grow old with you. Thank you for everything and even though you might think you haven’t done much, the fact that you came back means the world and honestly helped mend a lot of damage that was done, as well as some previously done by others even though that’s not yours to make up for.

I love you! Wanker!

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Day 2,301 Of Domestic Violence – Insanity And A Love Note On A Kite

Eros – love.

So I feel like I found that part of me which has been missing my whole life 4 days ago.

I don’t feel as though it’s ever felt this way before but I don’t really know? For some reason, this current moment, I can’t remember the exact feeling for anyone else in the past. Now I am pretty sure I’ve loved before but is that the insanity part or is this current state of mind insane?

Clinically speaking ‘true love’ and ‘insanity’ are almost impossible to distinguish between so is this current case of ‘divine madness’ real or just a chemical imbalance causing me to detach from reality? All I know right now is that the moment I saw him I couldn’t stop ‘seeing him’ in a sense. He’s not like any of the others or at least I don’t think he is.

This is the insanity part I think.

How is it that love can turn the most clinically insane person rational and the most rational person insane?

Why is it I can read Plato’s ‘The Symposium‘, written in 385-370 BC and understand it rationally but I can’t remember a feeling I actually experienced first hand to compare the two?

‘Every heart sings a song incomplete until another heart whispers back.”

Possibly we were once created with four arms, four legs, a single head with two faced? Possibly we once had both male and female genitalia? Possibly we were punished by Zeus who split humans into two, condemning them to spend eternity in search of their other half?

What is love then?

Unconditional love doesn’t mean you love every little thing about the other person. Trust me, life would be easier for my future husband if I would get out of bed like other people do, and he knows it. Unconditional love sees the truth but doesn’t require change. 

So as I ride the escalator to see him again I guess we will see just how insane I can really be?

Day 2,293 Of Domestic Violence – Galloping Through The Headmiles

Post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, panic attacks? Call it what you want it’s a mind field of confused half thoughts and edginess. I find my rope getting shorter and shorter. Please don’t make mindless chit chat with me because I have that much going on I may scream at you even though it’s not your fault. Now I try to make the best of any situation and on even an average day I consider the fact my disorder has a name to be a positive thing. I figure, ‘at least I’m not alone, obviously other people have it so that’s why someone took the time to name it’.

Right?

Current state of mind is, ‘oh wow am I ever going to get a chance at a real life or am I destined to live in this space?’ So I watched a documentary on death row in mate Robert James Roberts a few weeks ago (yes I have a slight fascination of serial killers) and he said something that resonated with me. He said ‘no one said life was meant to be easy’ and I guess he’s right. Roberts initially went to prison 10 days before turning 17 on burglary charges but over his 10 year sentence he’d clocked up another almost 100 years as a result of trying to escape. Due to being anything but a model inmate and I quote, ‘I used to stab dudes and stuff’ he had lost almost all privileges. As a result of the humiliation by guards and sheer boredom he decided that premeditated murder was the answer to ending up on death row and putting him out of his misery.

So when can see the finish line and getting there seems impossible at times how do I make that possible before feeling the need to go postal? I only have good intentions but I’m a bit sick of the blind eye being turned to shit behaviour all as a result of nothing more than no one giving a shit.

I consider situations such as my son being kidnapped two and a half years ago. Now as far as I knew it, kidnapping was one of those things you shouldn’t do because you’d probably end up in a lot of trouble. Turns out it’s not really. Turns out when you are the legal guardian of a child and let’s say a grandparent won’t return your child or even let you on the property to collect your child, this is without orders in place the police won’t really do anything about it. No sorry they will make a phone call but that’s it. Why? Because they don’t give a shit!

I’m beginning to see that this bizarre occurrence which I’ve often pointed out within these blogs is actually bigger than I once thought!

What’s that?

Simply the massive difference between what is said to our faces as truth and then the real truth of what’s going on.

Possibly my diluted ‘Disney like’ thoughts actually extend further than I once thought?

Now I initially thought this was only the case when you consider relationships but it seems my eyes are being opened more and more to the world around me. To my surprise it seems this is the reality in nearly all aspects of our lives. What the hell is going on people? Why are we accepting the bullshit we are fed as truth?

So I ask again, ‘Is happiness just a bullshit idea Disney gave us to never live up to so we’d forever be miserable and never realise our full potential?’

Maybe I’m being over dramatic but in my experience it’s ok to kidnap a child without a legal right. It’s ok to take pictures of your penis on your own sons toys and send it to his mother as nothing will be done about it. It’s ok to not follow family court orders and the list goes on.

I mean in the end if people aren’t making excuses for the shit behaviour then they’re simply putting their heads in the sand. When did it become the ‘norm’ to be so spineless?

When I look at myself as a person I find that people either love me and they get me or they really don’t.

Why is that?

Because I know what I stand for. I know what I expect as a minimum requirement if you want to exist in my life. I don’t need everyone to like me or to sit on the fence for that to happen. I don’t need to be polite when something I think is an injustice occurs especially within my space. I do not turn a blind eye to poor behaviour because they might think differently of me. I will speak up and make you uncomfortable by making an issue and I don’t care who you are. I care about the people within my life and will have their back if someone or something threatens them or their happiness. I don’t need everyone to see me as perfect. I don’t need everyone to like me to be a whole person as I understand that in this life not everyone will click and unless it’s needed I’m not rude about it as it shouldn’t be a big deal.

I’m beginning to think that I’m the crazy one because my approach to life and my way of thinking doesn’t seem to be shared by the masses. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and I thought everyone did this. Did this all start out as white lies but now it’s somehow reality? I don’t know but I’m really struggling with it at the moment or at least struggling to work out how most people aren’t so bothered by all of this. Is it my borderline personality playing up here or what? How is it that easy to bend over and just cop a big fat ‘screw you’ from the world all the time? Especially when you know you don’t deserve it?

In the end it all comes back to the fear of the unknown and not being able to control my reality. I’m moving forward but the fear does set me back and tonight I’ve found my trusty old earphones are back on the scene. When the world gets too overwhelming and the I’ve got too much going on that something as simple as the everyday noises of life suddenly throws me into panic. The only thing to bring me back and not completely boil over is blasting music to helps me focus.

Well it’s Friday night and I’m getting stuck into my business model after my business strategy meeting with the lovely Martin today. Thank you for working through your lunch break and for giving me an extra 45 min of your time for free! It’s nice when people can see your vision and give their time for no reason at all.

All I have to do now is magically find $990 to make it all a reality and I’m sweet. Technicalities but I’m not giving up yet!

Day 2,286 Of Domestic Violence – Making Friends? Who Needs Them? Finding A Person Who Also Has A Mental Disorders……….. Priceless!!

It’s a funny thing watching new people meet. The moment where they think to themselves ‘oh my god I think I just met my bestest best friend ever’. In reality more often than not the answer to that is no unfortunately you haven’t found that. What appears to be your long lost twin or the most superdooper bestest friend in the whole world is really just someone who at the time had similar interests and depending on your level of loneliness or the lack kindness being shown to you by other humans in your everyday life, determined how ‘hard and fast you fell’ for that person at the time.

Now this is going to sound wrong I’m sure but I’m just going to say it the way it is in my head. This week I’m a little over tip-toeing around peoples precious feelings all the time so in advance I apologise…….I guess.

So most days people simply bore me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that most humans are not far off total retardation or the fact that most of them go around and from what I can only describe it as, ‘playing a part or a puppet in their own lives’. It’s as if they are in some sort of movie which in their minds is based on their own lives because they’re all so important it seems.

Nobody is real! Nobody tells you the messy bits just the glossed over shit and none of them notice that simply no one cares. Is it possibly just one big attempt to make me feel as miserable about my life as they do about their own? Why do they make up so much of their lives? Then when they get caught out they pretend like it didn’t happen? I’m sorry but for some of the bullshit made up, then dressed up as apparent ‘real life’ I’ve caught people out telling, if that were me, I’d move countries out of sheer embarrassment!

Why is no one realistic? everyone hides behind designer labels and they are too busy waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can have their turn. Again nobody is listening! You are all talking to yourself! You are all deluded!

So I asked someone I was seeing recently, who used words such as ‘I love you’, ‘if you are so smart and could see it from the beginning then answer one question. So my M####r took my son in retaliation for reporting my e# p#####r jumping all over my head and terrorising me almost daily. So why did it go wrong in f####y court? What happened to me days before that caused me to be out of my mind? And no it had nothing to do with my stalker?

He couldn’t answer that question! Well done!

The correct answer is I had surgery 4 days before court and a large portion of my cervical removed due to stage 3 cervical cancer.

Probably something you should remember? Sadly that’s a perfect example of how little people are actually listening to eachother.

Going back to my first comment about ‘best friends’. Well I put the ‘found my best friend theory’ to the test when I was bored a few months ago.

This is how it went…..

Step 1. Let the other person talk first and let them keep talking.

Step 2. After anything and everything they comment on say ‘oh my god babe me too’.

Step 3. Never bring up or comment about anything to do with myself (let’s face it they won’t notice anyway) why? because you run the risk of having a different interest and ruining it.

Step 4. Repeat ‘oh my god babe me too’.

Would you believe that within five minutes this chick actually made the comment to her boyfriend, ‘This is crazy babe, I think we might be the same person’.

Wow! How did she not realise that we’d only talked about her? I’d be surprised if she knew my name at that point!

This is what I do when I’m bored. Lol.

So I’ve previously referred to myself as a master manipulator but that title sounds so dirty! I’ve currently decided to start running with something new, ‘Micro-Influencer’. I like it and it sounds a lot less ‘evil’!

Neverless I think my point is proven!

So I very much was taken by surprise during the week when someone I’d only met once or twice and didn’t have too much to do with, out of left field said, ‘Sorry about last week I ended up in the mental ward after going crazy. They couldn’t sedate me so I have possibly done some damage….. I have paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar’. I suddenly thought to myself as he was filling us in on some of the more colourful antics he had be responsible for in the past, ‘hey this guys batshit crazy too’.

Very quickly we were exchanging war stories as I too have a slight trauma related tweet to my personality. In my opinion I think it makes me super interested. Lol. I suffer from a Boarderline Personality and one of my favourite saying is ‘I’ve never faced a problem I couldn’t make worse’.

I guess I realised at that moment how much I don’t talk about it. I guess mental illness is still a ‘demonised subject’ and the masses aren’t so accomodating even to this day. I guess when you consider some of the top notch advice I’ve been given by so many irresponsible mouth breathers. The ones who have had the luxury of not having to learn over the years how to regulate their emotions because they can cause catastrophic episodes of mania or such depressive lows that suicide seems like the only humane option. Advice such as ‘what about your son, it’s selfish, just don’t kill yourself next time you feel like killing yourself’.

To that all I have to say is, ‘Holy shit I never thought about it like that! In my late teens I was tested in so many different ways before getting this diagnosis, I was even found to have an IQ if 147 and you know what? I have never even thought about simply not killing myself. Have you considered a job in mental health? I mean they truly do an atrocious job of it at the RBH….. I think you’d fit in perfectly! Possibly even team learner potential but I will cross my fingers for you!’.

Yes that was a long winded way of saying ‘Thank you for that fucking terrible advice. Have you yourself ever considered simply not being a shit person before?’.

Why is it that every aberration like asshole seems to have an ill informed opinion on so many topics they simply have no idea about? Is there some prize for being literally the dumbest human that ever lived and I just didn’t get the memo? Whatever happened to the art of listening and being understanding? Look to be honest my parents are horrible people but I feel as if they did one or two things right even if by accident. To me a huge percentage of humans seem as if they came from something that may have an IQ less than a brick wall and the brain capacity of a baked potato filled with mashed potato!

Overdramatic? Yes I know but I’m trying to stress a point here!

But to my new friend! Thanks! Like I said, ‘it’s weird when somebody gets you’. It’s also refreshing at the same time.

But my question still stands, ‘Are you doing ok at the moment?’. Honestly you don’t have to answer that unless you are comfortable! That may be never but in case you need it I am a place free from judgement. I also have some understanding as well. I am well aware of what it’s like when you find that your brain has decided that certain behaviours/coping mechanisms are normal but in fact they are anything but normal. Perhaps you then realise you are standing in front of a sea of 80+ year olds at your grandmothers birthday party having smashed your mother’s favourite platter across your sisters face because you had a few drinks and she thought she’d puff her cheat out and try to intimidate you because she’s bigger than you. Whoops!

Again thank you. It’s been a while since someone ‘got me’. While we are different in ways, in others we are the same. Same same but different! I’ve kinda wandered around for quite sometime now thinking that I may be trapped in some sort of Truman Show style operation but no one was at the controls anymore.

I like to go with fun facts to cheer myself up a lot of the time so this is for you;

Potential Judael celebrity – Jesus Christ himself? I have always been convinced that Jesus may have just been one of the early undiagnosed schizophrenics? Possibly due to the times which included the idea of stigmata for example. Im leaning more towards he was was misinterpreted as a prophet sent from God?

Silver lining – On the bright side it’s not the Middle Ages and there are less barbaric forms of treatment! Although Pine Rivers Private Hospital does offer electroshock therapy! It’s even in their brochure! I had to ask when I was put there about 12 years ago, ‘if that’s in the brochure then what forms of torture do you offer on the sly that get left out of the brochure?’

Fun fact- Schizophrenia is apparently connection to the shape of your mouth! Weird!

Um you don’t have any of the following conditions –

Apotemnophilia is a neurological disorder characterized by the overwhelming desire to amputate or damage healthy parts of the body. 

Boanthropy suffers believe they are cows, often going as far as to behave as such. They are even found in fields with cows, walking on all fours and chewing grass as if they were a true member of the herd. 

Here’s one especially picked out for you (because of the car thing lol) –

Kluver-Bucy Syndrome, a scary mental disorder characterized by memory loss, the desire to eat inedible objects, and sexual attraction to inanimate objects, mostly automobiles.

Aphantasia – people with this condition can’t picture things in their mind! That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘use your imaginationI guess.

Final thoughtThere are absolutely no known tests in the entire world that can diagnose Schizophrenia. So there you go possibly you’re not Schizophrenic at all? Maybe your doctor had an off day and you’re really just an asshole? I’m totally kidding with that one!

Anyway I leave it there but not before sharing something I wrote ‘mid-manic-moment’. Some people have already read it but it may offer some insight into how many strange and confusing thoughts go through a persons mind in a time of mania.

Now I start with, ‘breathe in and out…..’. Don’t be fooled by this because at the time I knew I had to start writing for this exercise so it was probably my attempt to seem some what normal. The honest answer to that is it would probably start with something completely random or just a thought such as ‘hungry…’.

Enjoy your day mouth breathers!

Moment Of Mania

” Breath in and out. Why is my head shaking as if to say no? idiot, no one asked you anything. Now that I am 31 we have been here a few times before and when I say a few I mean sometimes every few days when I was younger. Feeling faint the need to hear something anything by slipknot. Although not my favorited band they are definitely up there. There is no particular song I begin with, there is something about Corey’s voice, or maybe it’s the music, although some songs change the up from the down or the down from the up most have a levelling effect on me. I almost feel dumb or brain dead. Most of the time I feel as if I have a glazed over, head tilted to the side with a look that causes people to wonder if the ‘lights are still on’. Is anyone home. These get easier and less frequent as I have clocked up enough of them. It feels as if one day I will just get it right and become human finally. These are all practice runs and with each one I learn a little bit more or realise a slight tweak that needs to be made before its perfect. I feel like I’m getting close but wonder if when I get it right or win the prize does that mean I lose me? I think there is a prize? For some reason I have been led to believe this is what I am striving for. But I am not sure who told me that? I have encountered a lot of damaging creatures along the way, what if it was one of them who told me I need this? Is this a good idea? I remember almost everything but not where this idea came from or even if I should I be messing with what could be messing with it anyway? What is so wrong with it the way it is? I guess if I had to live with me I’d probably strangle me. When did I get so opinionated? Bossy bitch. But you only want the best for people so maybe you are bearable? Yeah no I couldn’t think of anything worse than living with someone like this. No wonder you feel not enough, sometimes your temporary partners and I stay temporary because let’s face it your fun but there is a reason you have been referred to as ‘the one that gets you locked up’. People need to sleep, they need to relax, there is not enough time in the day to do all of that. They need to cheat on you so they don’t go insane. You are crazy in bed, never had a complaint but sometimes you just need to have normal sex with a normal person. You will get it, that is if you every work it out. You are getting older now, the field has halved now, you are in your 30’s. Yes, they are dumb but they can be moulded into better than you. The cracks are showing, literally! Plus, you are somewhat of a headcase these days. Yes, this is not your fault, each time something gets taken away, or some extra broken piece gets given to you to carry. Not sure but I feel a lot more tired this time round, that’s why I assume something was given to you cause it’s heavy?

Ok so if you want any chance you need to tell people what is in there. You preach free will, imagine if they weren’t warned and one day wake up realising what you are? You’d be fucking pissed off so why put that on someone else? what a waste of time for them Carly, you only get one life and you’d have them waste the good years being tricked by you? Only to wake up old and alone like you realising they wish they knew what you were in the first place.

So now that we are here what do we do? So we have worked out that Slipknot is the mood stabiliser so 24-7 Slipknot it is. Should I be all responsible and focus on mirrors? Channel that energy into being productive for the future? Really want to break something. Even though he is a dick and should be thrown out on his ass for the way he speaks he can be nice. Put it aside for now because you’re horny. No you are not just using him for sex because if he wasn’t around you would just go without. One last night? Well that’s awesome you should introduce him to the melted you. Maybe he really will go, this time running screaming as you are fucking nuts. You will fuck his brains out though. Still horny. Why not. Do you think maybe you should explain a little about why you are a fucking crazy person tonight first? I think maybe you have told him what you are, but maybe not cause you thought you were big enough you didn’t need her anymore. For fuck sake you are a grown woman stop being such a fucking retard and snap out of it, no one acts like this. I know you can’t work out how and why they act like that but do you have to go to this extreme? Is this fake? Ok try to stop it. But Slipknot is on already. Fuck it go with it but can this be the last time becaue you are an adult not a fucking child. You are intelligent and easily adaptable so fucking adapt you fucking retard before more people see its embarrassing. This is why you cant have evan Carly. How do you get him to school when you are having one of these ‘pretend meltdowns’? it doesn’t seem to happen when evan is around. Well it has never happened when Evan was around so go see him tomorrow.”

Day 2,282 Of Domestic Violence – Something About You

Now I started this post earlier today and somehow I find myself stumped at this point. It’s possible that I’ve experienced all the emotions a human can experience in the past few hours and now I’m left in a weird space.

Life has been vastly improving in recent months but most days I feel like the loneliness person in the world. It seems almost all woman hate me and more often than not it’s immediately after meeting me. I am not too sure why that is and sadly the more I try to interact with them or get to know them the more they seem to seethe in their discontent for my existence. A friend recently said jokinglyall woman are sisters, they just have a different head so you know which one is yours’ and I have to kind of agree with that statement somedays.

Now due to this phenomenon I have mostly had male friends throughout my life. This also comes with its downfalls and it seems that almost every man ends up falling in love with me or they are only after one thing. Some days I don’t feel like I have any friends at all in this world.

So am I not worth someone’s time? Am I not the good person I think I am? It’s confusing because recently a friend said to me, ‘honestly people are bringing me down, and you had always made me feel awesome’ and described as, ‘this chick has the biggest heart and puts everyone else before herself.’ Both comments are really lovely and that’s kind of the way I thought I was. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of selfless saint in the making. A large part of my good deeds are done for selfish reasons. When you can’t fix your own life sometimes focusing on others shifts you attention from having to be in the moment all the time.

So why am I constantly being attacked? Maybe it’s simply a case of some sad individuals in my life obviously just wanting to destroy my spirit because they are the ones not content within themselves. Occasionally it comes with the added bonus of me being punished as a distraction from someone else’s behaviour.

So in the days following yet another one biting the dust, as per usual I text my amazingly beautiful and also unlucky in love twin, Miss Nat and say ‘turns out he’s another asshole, how are ya twinzie?’. In fine fashion she gives me the same old response, ‘all men are bastards….. all of them…. or so a badge I have says that!’ I desperately don’t want this to be the case but the examples keep piling up.

However is there an exception to that rule? What if someone who has been the reason for a lot of upset within your life and totally let you down when you needed them finally bit the bullet and gave you an honest and real answer to so many questions that had plagued you for months now? Is it ok to fall back into a friendship and genuinely care for them and show support for them despite you not being afforded the same when you were in desperate need?

For me the answer I think is yes. I am big enough to get past those things and be there. Does this mean I hold some torch or that I’m under some deluded idea that happily ever after is a possibility if I just lay down and be walked all over? The answer to that one is no.

To that person I have to say, ‘Thank you for your call tonight. Thank you for your honest answer. I don’t hate you and only want you to be happy. I missed having in my life as my friend and the fact that I questioned if that friendship was even real to begin with devastated me. I love you and always will. You need to understand that you let me down in a massive way and while I understand the reasons why at the time I needed you to either help me by simply just walking beside me or to tell me the truth and that you weren’t strong enough for us both. I don’t want to hold a grudge or to punish you until the end of time for any of it. I need you to learn from this and in the future keep that in mind if you choose to be in my life as my friend’.

The future? To be honest a lot of damage has been done now and over the years. I haven’t been perfect but I have always been the one that has to be understanding and forgive a lot of really shitty behaviour. I’m tired of being the understanding one who has to forgive all the time. Some woman have a life planned out in their heads or a dream wedding and it’s the end of the world when that doesn’t come to fruition. I’ve only ever wanted to find my best friend, to feel safe and to create a little family of my own full of love which sadly I lacked growing up. Sadly most days I feel I struggle to even matter to someone and I don’t feel anyone would forgive or be as understanding of me had I made the same mistakes. All of this doesn’t translate in my head very well in the end.

I was given by the most amazing woman in my life some really good advice recently;

‘Once is an accident, twice is deliberate and three times is chronic’.

Sound advice and I know she is completely right when she says it. I think it’s a basic standard everyone should set when being in a relationship whether that be romantic or platonic.

It’s hard to know you are worth something while a lot of this goes on. At the same time understand that most of the damage done is not personal and is someone else’s ‘self destructive behaviour’. How is it possible for a person to keep believing they are worth something when you are shown the complete opposite time and time again?

Advice, ‘if a man could control his emotions he’d be king of the world’.

A special note to this woman I feel needs to be mentioned here. I guess even though the above seems a little depressing having her as my example is a source of great strength. This amazing woman who has become my new mother and someone I can pretty much credit a large part of my situation improving. Having no natural children of her own, the moment she said to me ‘stop thanking me so much, daughters don’t thank their mothers that much’ that it was more than just words. After a really rough two plus years and no real connection to my own mother hearing that meant the world to me.

So to you Noela;

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for loving me as I am. Thank you for the times we’ve spent talking and laughing. Thank you for expecting that I expect more from people within my life. Thank you for your advice. Thank you for seeing me when I was at my lowest and for reaching out to me instead of turning your back. Thank you for being valuable and showing me it’s ok to not be perfect. Thank you for being my mother!

What now? For me being alone has never felt so at peace. It’s a sad realisation but keeping the strong women in my life around me seems the best option at this point. Life isn’t perfect but it’s the best it’s been in over two years so thank you to all of you who have help prop me up.

Urban Dictionary says –

Noela

The most amazing and beautiful girl you will ever meet.

Noelas are easily one of the kindest people ever. They have the purest hearts and will do anything for the ones they love. 
Noelas also make the most compassionate and truest friends. Likes to be the most intelligent person in any room but isn’t an ass about it. Extremely talented and artistic.

They are unique heavenly beings, if you ever see one bow the hell down. The most important person you’ll ever find in your life so never let them go. To have them is to have happiness.They have an appetite for adventure and are rebel’s just for kicks.

There is truly nothing that they would not be up for. Extremely outspoken but painfully hilarious. She can make anyone collapse into fits of laughter, if only you can make her care enough. Best kisser there is and ever will be. Hottest and the most fun in bed. But is also the most perfect cuddle buddy. Always smells amazing and has the softest skin. Noelas are extremely stubborn and can be cold when their heart is broken. Since they love hard and give you their all. They will never trust you again.

Always do right by a Noela.

Lots of love

Carly

Day 2,246 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To My Love Part 2

I wrote this yesterday. I don’t think I’m as angry today with you but the fact remains the same. You let me down. The sad fact is days like yesterday happen more often than not these days.

I’ve previously written about loving someone means you have to decide whether the good outweigh the bad but this time I’m not sure they do. Letting go of someone after so long is hard and I often wonder whether it’s a case of me just being so familiar with this person that keeps me from never bothering with him again. Would he allow me to do this much damage?

It’s not a nice feeling and makes it hard when you also question whether that person was ever real in the first place. Maybe just something you made up in your head the entire time because you chose to be blind.

The older I get the less answers I seem to have anymore.

Scott,

You took this photo of us that day. You wanted to remember the exact date and time we finally got together despite our 4 year history.

One very messy morning after a Slipknot concert, in our old room with Spikey photobombing us was the beginning of something special for both of us. At least I thought so.

For the first time I wanted to grow up and I knew I’d found my best friend some days before. You and I had history and to be honest I was never a fan of that version of you. The one I met again that day at Harbour Town stopped me in my tracks. That has only ever happened to me once in this lifetime so far.

The biggest transformation was yours. It was because of you I learned that you can’t change people. If they are going to change they will do that themselves. I watched a career criminal decide to change his life and try something he hadn’t ever done before and you were amazing at it. You know this. Why? Because you wanted to be good enough for me. You saw that despite my past that I had changed my life and wanted to share a life with me.

Fast forward 12 years to today. So it’s been more than a decade and it’s anything but the fairytale ending for us both, or at least our version of a fairytale we planned on it being.

Well you would have got my letter by now? People have tried to convince me you’re not even in there anymore but I know you are, you have to be! You left me out here on my own. You lied to me and I will never forgive you for that. We had history and planned a life but you did what you always do and you were selfish. Yes I have always been the one that was stronger but this time I needed you to be strong for me.

I hate you, really. For hurting me. For making me feel like I was lied to by you! I hate you for being so rude to me and pushing me away. I doubted the beautiful things you ever told me when you got caught in a lie. So now I think no one will ever accept me completely the way you did.

I still love you and probably always will and that makes me hate you even more. I want you to get this in case one day soon I’m no longer me. For now I’m still here but I can feel it slipping away and I’m not sure what will be left soon. I have always been strong but everyone has their breaking point. The difference is I don’t think I will come back once I’m gone.

And for the millionths time is by Coal Chamber, ‘Dark Day’s’ but it’s more of a cruel joke now isn’t it?

I’ve got a new one for you. Alice Ivy, ‘Almost There’.

I hope you’re enjoying your stay! What is this number 7? Get you’re shit together, you’re better than this!!

Lots of love

Miss Webb