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Day 2,103 Of Domestic Violence – Pain Is Only Skin Deep

Pain. When I look around lately it’s all I seem to see. A sea of faces from all walks in pain. One thing used to numb that pain bringing people who ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed paths together with one common goal in life. To numb that pain.

So is it a case of the world and it’s people being in more pain than ever or is this just a different crutch we use and humans have always felt this much pain?

I read up on the Great Depression earlier this year as I met a lovely lady who was in her 90’s. She had been apart of the Salvation Army since then and credited much of her surviving the Great Depression. She told me how she would sneak off and have morning tea provided by the Army and without that much needed food probably would have starved as food was scares. To this day she was eternally grateful for the opportunity she was given and enjoyed every opportunity she got to pay that kindness back.

How does that translate to today? Do we as people care more or less about those in pain? How do we stop so much pain or is it something we need to just accept will always exist? Is this the key to our journey being easier?

How do I make this journey easier for my son. It pains me to think of him feeling anything close to what I’ve felt thus far. I almost feel guilt for his existence as I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

More and more I have less answers. They say that the older we get the wiser we get but I question whether that is true.

I guess this is where I leave this one.

Day 2,332 Of Domestic Violence – Suicide Blonde

Is is a fear of intimacy or closeness, maybe it’s the fear of abandonment or fear of loss that drives us to play ‘relationship ping pong’? What do I mean by relationship ping pong? I mean the art of feeding off each other’s behaviour. We assume that we’ve done something wrong or the other person has done something wrong. Then before you know it we’re yelling at each other and no one knows what the hell is going on. Trying to work out exactly which ‘fear’ I have or how many of them I have is difficult and exhausting some days. What ever the mix it creates a perfect storm of worried faces, misconstrued stares and a whole lot of drama that did not need to exist in the first place.

As children, the world is this magical place, things are black and white and it’s simple. Or so we think. Overtime in a heartbreaking realisation we are show first hand just how cruel the human condition can truly be. The level of damage all depends I think by chance as opposed to factors such as socioeconomic, circumstance or the friends we choose to have. I’m not an expert but when thinking about narcissism as a characteristic it exists in all walks of life so it brings me to the assumption that possibly all the traits that can be damaging to us also exists in all walks of life.

I remember taking my son to Cedar Creek Falls almost every day in summer. He would collect rocks and try to block off the flow of water coming down from the mountains. I loved that even though life had ‘broken me’ in a sense and I knew there was no way he was stopping the flow of water coming down from the mountains, it still didn’t stop him from having a go at 4 year old. I loved how he honestly believed that if he tried hard enough it could be done. There’s something about that which is beautifully pure and untainted by the world. Something that we loose within ourselves the more we are damaged. Sadly the more damage that’s done to us the more damage we do to others and the cycle continues.

To you. No it’s not me pushing you away or me changing the way I feel. It me trying to hold onto what’s left of me. Last week was the worst week of my entire life. They say good things come to those who wait and while I may have a million reasons to think that to be untrue, you came to me just before for some reason. I hate to think where I’d be without you and that crazy little lady especially this week. You said to me, ‘I need you in my life to be happy and I’m not afraid to says that’. It’s a sentence I will never forget and definitely one I think about every time we do fight because I feel exactly the same. You are my safe space, I get the way I do when I think it may not be real because I want it to be real more than anything.

In the end we are damaged but as long as we both want the same thing nothing can stop us from finally finding that space in time where we are happy!

You make everyday since I met you so much better. You are so weird, hilariously funny and while I can wait, I can’t wait to grow old with you. Thank you for everything and even though you might think you haven’t done much, the fact that you came back means the world and honestly helped mend a lot of damage that was done, as well as some previously done by others even though that’s not yours to make up for.

I love you! Wanker!

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Day 2,301 Of Domestic Violence – Insanity And A Love Note On A Kite

Eros – love.

So I feel like I found that part of me which has been missing my whole life 4 days ago.

I don’t feel as though it’s ever felt this way before but I don’t really know? For some reason, this current moment, I can’t remember the exact feeling for anyone else in the past. Now I am pretty sure I’ve loved before but is that the insanity part or is this current state of mind insane?

Clinically speaking ‘true love’ and ‘insanity’ are almost impossible to distinguish between so is this current case of ‘divine madness’ real or just a chemical imbalance causing me to detach from reality? All I know right now is that the moment I saw him I couldn’t stop ‘seeing him’ in a sense. He’s not like any of the others or at least I don’t think he is.

This is the insanity part I think.

How is it that love can turn the most clinically insane person rational and the most rational person insane?

Why is it I can read Plato’s ‘The Symposium‘, written in 385-370 BC and understand it rationally but I can’t remember a feeling I actually experienced first hand to compare the two?

‘Every heart sings a song incomplete until another heart whispers back.”

Possibly we were once created with four arms, four legs, a single head with two faced? Possibly we once had both male and female genitalia? Possibly we were punished by Zeus who split humans into two, condemning them to spend eternity in search of their other half?

What is love then?

Unconditional love doesn’t mean you love every little thing about the other person. Trust me, life would be easier for my future husband if I would get out of bed like other people do, and he knows it. Unconditional love sees the truth but doesn’t require change. 

So as I ride the escalator to see him again I guess we will see just how insane I can really be?

Day 2,293 Of Domestic Violence – Galloping Through The Headmiles

Post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, panic attacks? Call it what you want it’s a mind field of confused half thoughts and edginess. I find my rope getting shorter and shorter. Please don’t make mindless chit chat with me because I have that much going on I may scream at you even though it’s not your fault. Now I try to make the best of any situation and on even an average day I consider the fact my disorder has a name to be a positive thing. I figure, ‘at least I’m not alone, obviously other people have it so that’s why someone took the time to name it’.

Right?

Current state of mind is, ‘oh wow am I ever going to get a chance at a real life or am I destined to live in this space?’ So I watched a documentary on death row in mate Robert James Roberts a few weeks ago (yes I have a slight fascination of serial killers) and he said something that resonated with me. He said ‘no one said life was meant to be easy’ and I guess he’s right. Roberts initially went to prison 10 days before turning 17 on burglary charges but over his 10 year sentence he’d clocked up another almost 100 years as a result of trying to escape. Due to being anything but a model inmate and I quote, ‘I used to stab dudes and stuff’ he had lost almost all privileges. As a result of the humiliation by guards and sheer boredom he decided that premeditated murder was the answer to ending up on death row and putting him out of his misery.

So when can see the finish line and getting there seems impossible at times how do I make that possible before feeling the need to go postal? I only have good intentions but I’m a bit sick of the blind eye being turned to shit behaviour all as a result of nothing more than no one giving a shit.

I consider situations such as my son being kidnapped two and a half years ago. Now as far as I knew it, kidnapping was one of those things you shouldn’t do because you’d probably end up in a lot of trouble. Turns out it’s not really. Turns out when you are the legal guardian of a child and let’s say a grandparent won’t return your child or even let you on the property to collect your child, this is without orders in place the police won’t really do anything about it. No sorry they will make a phone call but that’s it. Why? Because they don’t give a shit!

I’m beginning to see that this bizarre occurrence which I’ve often pointed out within these blogs is actually bigger than I once thought!

What’s that?

Simply the massive difference between what is said to our faces as truth and then the real truth of what’s going on.

Possibly my diluted ‘Disney like’ thoughts actually extend further than I once thought?

Now I initially thought this was only the case when you consider relationships but it seems my eyes are being opened more and more to the world around me. To my surprise it seems this is the reality in nearly all aspects of our lives. What the hell is going on people? Why are we accepting the bullshit we are fed as truth?

So I ask again, ‘Is happiness just a bullshit idea Disney gave us to never live up to so we’d forever be miserable and never realise our full potential?’

Maybe I’m being over dramatic but in my experience it’s ok to kidnap a child without a legal right. It’s ok to take pictures of your penis on your own sons toys and send it to his mother as nothing will be done about it. It’s ok to not follow family court orders and the list goes on.

I mean in the end if people aren’t making excuses for the shit behaviour then they’re simply putting their heads in the sand. When did it become the ‘norm’ to be so spineless?

When I look at myself as a person I find that people either love me and they get me or they really don’t.

Why is that?

Because I know what I stand for. I know what I expect as a minimum requirement if you want to exist in my life. I don’t need everyone to like me or to sit on the fence for that to happen. I don’t need to be polite when something I think is an injustice occurs especially within my space. I do not turn a blind eye to poor behaviour because they might think differently of me. I will speak up and make you uncomfortable by making an issue and I don’t care who you are. I care about the people within my life and will have their back if someone or something threatens them or their happiness. I don’t need everyone to see me as perfect. I don’t need everyone to like me to be a whole person as I understand that in this life not everyone will click and unless it’s needed I’m not rude about it as it shouldn’t be a big deal.

I’m beginning to think that I’m the crazy one because my approach to life and my way of thinking doesn’t seem to be shared by the masses. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and I thought everyone did this. Did this all start out as white lies but now it’s somehow reality? I don’t know but I’m really struggling with it at the moment or at least struggling to work out how most people aren’t so bothered by all of this. Is it my borderline personality playing up here or what? How is it that easy to bend over and just cop a big fat ‘screw you’ from the world all the time? Especially when you know you don’t deserve it?

In the end it all comes back to the fear of the unknown and not being able to control my reality. I’m moving forward but the fear does set me back and tonight I’ve found my trusty old earphones are back on the scene. When the world gets too overwhelming and the I’ve got too much going on that something as simple as the everyday noises of life suddenly throws me into panic. The only thing to bring me back and not completely boil over is blasting music to helps me focus.

Well it’s Friday night and I’m getting stuck into my business model after my business strategy meeting with the lovely Martin today. Thank you for working through your lunch break and for giving me an extra 45 min of your time for free! It’s nice when people can see your vision and give their time for no reason at all.

All I have to do now is magically find $990 to make it all a reality and I’m sweet. Technicalities but I’m not giving up yet!

Day 2,286 Of Domestic Violence – Making Friends? Who Needs Them? Finding A Person Who Also Has A Mental Disorders……….. Priceless!!

It’s a funny thing watching new people meet. The moment where they think to themselves ‘oh my god I think I just met my bestest best friend ever’. In reality more often than not the answer to that is no unfortunately you haven’t found that. What appears to be your long lost twin or the most superdooper bestest friend in the whole world is really just someone who at the time had similar interests and depending on your level of loneliness or the lack kindness being shown to you by other humans in your everyday life, determined how ‘hard and fast you fell’ for that person at the time.

Now this is going to sound wrong I’m sure but I’m just going to say it the way it is in my head. This week I’m a little over tip-toeing around peoples precious feelings all the time so in advance I apologise…….I guess.

So most days people simply bore me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that most humans are not far off total retardation or the fact that most of them go around and from what I can only describe it as, ‘playing a part or a puppet in their own lives’. It’s as if they are in some sort of movie which in their minds is based on their own lives because they’re all so important it seems.

Nobody is real! Nobody tells you the messy bits just the glossed over shit and none of them notice that simply no one cares. Is it possibly just one big attempt to make me feel as miserable about my life as they do about their own? Why do they make up so much of their lives? Then when they get caught out they pretend like it didn’t happen? I’m sorry but for some of the bullshit made up, then dressed up as apparent ‘real life’ I’ve caught people out telling, if that were me, I’d move countries out of sheer embarrassment!

Why is no one realistic? everyone hides behind designer labels and they are too busy waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can have their turn. Again nobody is listening! You are all talking to yourself! You are all deluded!

So I asked someone I was seeing recently, who used words such as ‘I love you’, ‘if you are so smart and could see it from the beginning then answer one question. So my M####r took my son in retaliation for reporting my e# p#####r jumping all over my head and terrorising me almost daily. So why did it go wrong in f####y court? What happened to me days before that caused me to be out of my mind? And no it had nothing to do with my stalker?

He couldn’t answer that question! Well done!

The correct answer is I had surgery 4 days before court and a large portion of my cervical removed due to stage 3 cervical cancer.

Probably something you should remember? Sadly that’s a perfect example of how little people are actually listening to eachother.

Going back to my first comment about ‘best friends’. Well I put the ‘found my best friend theory’ to the test when I was bored a few months ago.

This is how it went…..

Step 1. Let the other person talk first and let them keep talking.

Step 2. After anything and everything they comment on say ‘oh my god babe me too’.

Step 3. Never bring up or comment about anything to do with myself (let’s face it they won’t notice anyway) why? because you run the risk of having a different interest and ruining it.

Step 4. Repeat ‘oh my god babe me too’.

Would you believe that within five minutes this chick actually made the comment to her boyfriend, ‘This is crazy babe, I think we might be the same person’.

Wow! How did she not realise that we’d only talked about her? I’d be surprised if she knew my name at that point!

This is what I do when I’m bored. Lol.

So I’ve previously referred to myself as a master manipulator but that title sounds so dirty! I’ve currently decided to start running with something new, ‘Micro-Influencer’. I like it and it sounds a lot less ‘evil’!

Neverless I think my point is proven!

So I very much was taken by surprise during the week when someone I’d only met once or twice and didn’t have too much to do with, out of left field said, ‘Sorry about last week I ended up in the mental ward after going crazy. They couldn’t sedate me so I have possibly done some damage….. I have paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar’. I suddenly thought to myself as he was filling us in on some of the more colourful antics he had be responsible for in the past, ‘hey this guys batshit crazy too’.

Very quickly we were exchanging war stories as I too have a slight trauma related tweet to my personality. In my opinion I think it makes me super interested. Lol. I suffer from a Boarderline Personality and one of my favourite saying is ‘I’ve never faced a problem I couldn’t make worse’.

I guess I realised at that moment how much I don’t talk about it. I guess mental illness is still a ‘demonised subject’ and the masses aren’t so accomodating even to this day. I guess when you consider some of the top notch advice I’ve been given by so many irresponsible mouth breathers. The ones who have had the luxury of not having to learn over the years how to regulate their emotions because they can cause catastrophic episodes of mania or such depressive lows that suicide seems like the only humane option. Advice such as ‘what about your son, it’s selfish, just don’t kill yourself next time you feel like killing yourself’.

To that all I have to say is, ‘Holy shit I never thought about it like that! In my late teens I was tested in so many different ways before getting this diagnosis, I was even found to have an IQ if 147 and you know what? I have never even thought about simply not killing myself. Have you considered a job in mental health? I mean they truly do an atrocious job of it at the RBH….. I think you’d fit in perfectly! Possibly even team learner potential but I will cross my fingers for you!’.

Yes that was a long winded way of saying ‘Thank you for that fucking terrible advice. Have you yourself ever considered simply not being a shit person before?’.

Why is it that every aberration like asshole seems to have an ill informed opinion on so many topics they simply have no idea about? Is there some prize for being literally the dumbest human that ever lived and I just didn’t get the memo? Whatever happened to the art of listening and being understanding? Look to be honest my parents are horrible people but I feel as if they did one or two things right even if by accident. To me a huge percentage of humans seem as if they came from something that may have an IQ less than a brick wall and the brain capacity of a baked potato filled with mashed potato!

Overdramatic? Yes I know but I’m trying to stress a point here!

But to my new friend! Thanks! Like I said, ‘it’s weird when somebody gets you’. It’s also refreshing at the same time.

But my question still stands, ‘Are you doing ok at the moment?’. Honestly you don’t have to answer that unless you are comfortable! That may be never but in case you need it I am a place free from judgement. I also have some understanding as well. I am well aware of what it’s like when you find that your brain has decided that certain behaviours/coping mechanisms are normal but in fact they are anything but normal. Perhaps you then realise you are standing in front of a sea of 80+ year olds at your grandmothers birthday party having smashed your mother’s favourite platter across your sisters face because you had a few drinks and she thought she’d puff her cheat out and try to intimidate you because she’s bigger than you. Whoops!

Again thank you. It’s been a while since someone ‘got me’. While we are different in ways, in others we are the same. Same same but different! I’ve kinda wandered around for quite sometime now thinking that I may be trapped in some sort of Truman Show style operation but no one was at the controls anymore.

I like to go with fun facts to cheer myself up a lot of the time so this is for you;

Potential Judael celebrity – Jesus Christ himself? I have always been convinced that Jesus may have just been one of the early undiagnosed schizophrenics? Possibly due to the times which included the idea of stigmata for example. Im leaning more towards he was misinterpreted as a prophet sent from God?

Silver lining – On the bright side it’s not the Middle Ages and there are less barbaric forms of treatment! Although Pine Rivers Private Hospital does offer electroshock therapy! It’s even in their brochure! I had to ask when I was put there about 12 years ago, ‘if that’s in the brochure then what forms of torture do you offer on the sly that get left out of the brochure?’

Fun fact- Schizophrenia is apparently connection to the shape of your mouth! Weird!

Um you don’t have any of the following conditions –

Apotemnophilia is a neurological disorder characterized by the overwhelming desire to amputate or damage healthy parts of the body. 

Boanthropy suffers believe they are cows, often going as far as to behave as such. They are even found in fields with cows, walking on all fours and chewing grass as if they were a true member of the herd. 

Here’s one especially picked out for you (because of the car thing lol) –

Kluver-Bucy Syndrome, a scary mental disorder characterized by memory loss, the desire to eat inedible objects, and sexual attraction to inanimate objects, mostly automobiles.

Aphantasia – people with this condition can’t picture things in their mind! That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘use your imaginationI guess.

Final thoughtThere are absolutely no known tests in the entire world that can diagnose Schizophrenia. So there you go possibly you’re not Schizophrenic at all? Maybe your doctor had an off day and you’re really just an asshole? I’m totally kidding with that one!

Anyway I leave it there but not before sharing something I wrote ‘mid-manic-moment’. Some people have already read it but it may offer some insight into how many strange and confusing thoughts go through a persons mind in a time of mania.

Now I start with, ‘breathe in and out…..’. Don’t be fooled by this because at the time I knew I had to start writing for this exercise so it was probably my attempt to seem some what normal. The honest answer to that is it would probably start with something completely random or just a thought such as ‘hungry…’.

Enjoy your day mouth breathers!

Moment Of Mania

” Breath in and out. Why is my head shaking as if to say no? idiot, no one asked you anything. Now that I am 31 we have been here a few times before and when I say a few I mean sometimes every few days when I was younger. Feeling faint the need to hear something anything by slipknot. Although not my favorited band they are definitely up there. There is no particular song I begin with, there is something about Corey’s voice, or maybe it’s the music, although some songs change the up from the down or the down from the up most have a levelling effect on me. I almost feel dumb or brain dead. Most of the time I feel as if I have a glazed over, head tilted to the side with a look that causes people to wonder if the ‘lights are still on’. Is anyone home. These get easier and less frequent as I have clocked up enough of them. It feels as if one day I will just get it right and become human finally. These are all practice runs and with each one I learn a little bit more or realise a slight tweak that needs to be made before its perfect. I feel like I’m getting close but wonder if when I get it right or win the prize does that mean I lose me? I think there is a prize? For some reason I have been led to believe this is what I am striving for. But I am not sure who told me that? I have encountered a lot of damaging creatures along the way, what if it was one of them who told me I need this? Is this a good idea? I remember almost everything but not where this idea came from or even if I should I be messing with what could be messing with it anyway? What is so wrong with it the way it is? I guess if I had to live with me I’d probably strangle me. When did I get so opinionated? Bossy bitch. But you only want the best for people so maybe you are bearable? Yeah no I couldn’t think of anything worse than living with someone like this. No wonder you feel not enough, sometimes your temporary partners and I stay temporary because let’s face it your fun but there is a reason you have been referred to as ‘the one that gets you locked up’. People need to sleep, they need to relax, there is not enough time in the day to do all of that. They need to cheat on you so they don’t go insane. You are crazy in bed, never had a complaint but sometimes you just need to have normal sex with a normal person. You will get it, that is if you every work it out. You are getting older now, the field has halved now, you are in your 30’s. Yes, they are dumb but they can be moulded into better than you. The cracks are showing, literally! Plus, you are somewhat of a headcase these days. Yes, this is not your fault, each time something gets taken away, or some extra broken piece gets given to you to carry. Not sure but I feel a lot more tired this time round, that’s why I assume something was given to you cause it’s heavy?

Ok so if you want any chance you need to tell people what is in there. You preach free will, imagine if they weren’t warned and one day wake up realising what you are? You’d be fucking pissed off so why put that on someone else? what a waste of time for them Carly, you only get one life and you’d have them waste the good years being tricked by you? Only to wake up old and alone like you realising they wish they knew what you were in the first place.

So now that we are here what do we do? So we have worked out that Slipknot is the mood stabiliser so 24-7 Slipknot it is. Should I be all responsible and focus on mirrors? Channel that energy into being productive for the future? Really want to break something. Even though he is a dick and should be thrown out on his ass for the way he speaks he can be nice. Put it aside for now because you’re horny. No you are not just using him for sex because if he wasn’t around you would just go without. One last night? Well that’s awesome you should introduce him to the melted you. Maybe he really will go, this time running screaming as you are fucking nuts. You will fuck his brains out though. Still horny. Why not. Do you think maybe you should explain a little about why you are a fucking crazy person tonight first? I think maybe you have told him what you are, but maybe not cause you thought you were big enough you didn’t need her anymore. For fuck sake you are a grown woman stop being such a fucking retard and snap out of it, no one acts like this. I know you can’t work out how and why they act like that but do you have to go to this extreme? Is this fake? Ok try to stop it. But Slipknot is on already. Fuck it go with it but can this be the last time becaue you are an adult not a fucking child. You are intelligent and easily adaptable so fucking adapt you fucking retard before more people see its embarrassing. This is why you cant have evan Carly. How do you get him to school when you are having one of these ‘pretend meltdowns’? it doesn’t seem to happen when evan is around. Well it has never happened when Evan was around so go see him tomorrow.”

Day 2,282 Of Domestic Violence – Something About You

Now I started this post earlier today and somehow I find myself stumped at this point. It’s possible that I’ve experienced all the emotions a human can experience in the past few hours and now I’m left in a weird space.

Life has been vastly improving in recent months but most days I feel like the loneliness person in the world. It seems almost all woman hate me and more often than not it’s immediately after meeting me. I am not too sure why that is and sadly the more I try to interact with them or get to know them the more they seem to seethe in their discontent for my existence. A friend recently said jokinglyall woman are sisters, they just have a different head so you know which one is yours’ and I have to kind of agree with that statement somedays.

Now due to this phenomenon I have mostly had male friends throughout my life. This also comes with its downfalls and it seems that almost every man ends up falling in love with me or they are only after one thing. Some days I don’t feel like I have any friends at all in this world.

So am I not worth someone’s time? Am I not the good person I think I am? It’s confusing because recently a friend said to me, ‘honestly people are bringing me down, and you had always made me feel awesome’ and described as, ‘this chick has the biggest heart and puts everyone else before herself.’ Both comments are really lovely and that’s kind of the way I thought I was. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of selfless saint in the making. A large part of my good deeds are done for selfish reasons. When you can’t fix your own life sometimes focusing on others shifts you attention from having to be in the moment all the time.

So why am I constantly being attacked? Maybe it’s simply a case of some sad individuals in my life obviously just wanting to destroy my spirit because they are the ones not content within themselves. Occasionally it comes with the added bonus of me being punished as a distraction from someone else’s behaviour.

So in the days following yet another one biting the dust, as per usual I text my amazingly beautiful and also unlucky in love twin, Miss Nat and say ‘turns out he’s another asshole, how are ya twinzie?’. In fine fashion she gives me the same old response, ‘all men are bastards….. all of them…. or so a badge I have says that!’ I desperately don’t want this to be the case but the examples keep piling up.

However is there an exception to that rule? What if someone who has been the reason for a lot of upset within your life and totally let you down when you needed them finally bit the bullet and gave you an honest and real answer to so many questions that had plagued you for months now? Is it ok to fall back into a friendship and genuinely care for them and show support for them despite you not being afforded the same when you were in desperate need?

For me the answer I think is yes. I am big enough to get past those things and be there. Does this mean I hold some torch or that I’m under some deluded idea that happily ever after is a possibility if I just lay down and be walked all over? The answer to that one is no.

To that person I have to say, ‘Thank you for your call tonight. Thank you for your honest answer. I don’t hate you and only want you to be happy. I missed having in my life as my friend and the fact that I questioned if that friendship was even real to begin with devastated me. I love you and always will. You need to understand that you let me down in a massive way and while I understand the reasons why at the time I needed you to either help me by simply just walking beside me or to tell me the truth and that you weren’t strong enough for us both. I don’t want to hold a grudge or to punish you until the end of time for any of it. I need you to learn from this and in the future keep that in mind if you choose to be in my life as my friend’.

The future? To be honest a lot of damage has been done now and over the years. I haven’t been perfect but I have always been the one that has to be understanding and forgive a lot of really shitty behaviour. I’m tired of being the understanding one who has to forgive all the time. Some woman have a life planned out in their heads or a dream wedding and it’s the end of the world when that doesn’t come to fruition. I’ve only ever wanted to find my best friend, to feel safe and to create a little family of my own full of love which sadly I lacked growing up. Sadly most days I feel I struggle to even matter to someone and I don’t feel anyone would forgive or be as understanding of me had I made the same mistakes. All of this doesn’t translate in my head very well in the end.

I was given by the most amazing woman in my life some really good advice recently;

‘Once is an accident, twice is deliberate and three times is chronic’.

Sound advice and I know she is completely right when she says it. I think it’s a basic standard everyone should set when being in a relationship whether that be romantic or platonic.

It’s hard to know you are worth something while a lot of this goes on. At the same time understand that most of the damage done is not personal and is someone else’s ‘self destructive behaviour’. How is it possible for a person to keep believing they are worth something when you are shown the complete opposite time and time again?

Advice, ‘if a man could control his emotions he’d be king of the world’.

A special note to this woman I feel needs to be mentioned here. I guess even though the above seems a little depressing having her as my example is a source of great strength. This amazing woman who has become my new mother and someone I can pretty much credit a large part of my situation improving. Having no natural children of her own, the moment she said to me ‘stop thanking me so much, daughters don’t thank their mothers that much’ that it was more than just words. After a really rough two plus years and no real connection to my own mother hearing that meant the world to me.

So to you Noela;

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for loving me as I am. Thank you for the times we’ve spent talking and laughing. Thank you for expecting that I expect more from people within my life. Thank you for your advice. Thank you for seeing me when I was at my lowest and for reaching out to me instead of turning your back. Thank you for being valuable and showing me it’s ok to not be perfect. Thank you for being my mother!

What now? For me being alone has never felt so at peace. It’s a sad realisation but keeping the strong women in my life around me seems the best option at this point. Life isn’t perfect but it’s the best it’s been in over two years so thank you to all of you who have help prop me up.

Urban Dictionary says –

Noela

The most amazing and beautiful girl you will ever meet.

Noelas are easily one of the kindest people ever. They have the purest hearts and will do anything for the ones they love. 
Noelas also make the most compassionate and truest friends. Likes to be the most intelligent person in any room but isn’t an ass about it. Extremely talented and artistic.

They are unique heavenly beings, if you ever see one bow the hell down. The most important person you’ll ever find in your life so never let them go. To have them is to have happiness.They have an appetite for adventure and are rebel’s just for kicks.

There is truly nothing that they would not be up for. Extremely outspoken but painfully hilarious. She can make anyone collapse into fits of laughter, if only you can make her care enough. Best kisser there is and ever will be. Hottest and the most fun in bed. But is also the most perfect cuddle buddy. Always smells amazing and has the softest skin. Noelas are extremely stubborn and can be cold when their heart is broken. Since they love hard and give you their all. They will never trust you again.

Always do right by a Noela.

Lots of love

Carly

Day 2,246 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To My Love Part 2

I wrote this yesterday. I don’t think I’m as angry today with you but the fact remains the same. You let me down. The sad fact is days like yesterday happen more often than not these days.

I’ve previously written about loving someone means you have to decide whether the good outweigh the bad but this time I’m not sure they do. Letting go of someone after so long is hard and I often wonder whether it’s a case of me just being so familiar with this person that keeps me from never bothering with him again. Would he allow me to do this much damage?

It’s not a nice feeling and makes it hard when you also question whether that person was ever real in the first place. Maybe just something you made up in your head the entire time because you chose to be blind.

The older I get the less answers I seem to have anymore.

Scott,

You took this photo of us that day. You wanted to remember the exact date and time we finally got together despite our 4 year history.

One very messy morning after a Slipknot concert, in our old room with Spikey photobombing us was the beginning of something special for both of us. At least I thought so.

For the first time I wanted to grow up and I knew I’d found my best friend some days before. You and I had history and to be honest I was never a fan of that version of you. The one I met again that day at Harbour Town stopped me in my tracks. That has only ever happened to me once in this lifetime so far.

The biggest transformation was yours. It was because of you I learned that you can’t change people. If they are going to change they will do that themselves. I watched a career criminal decide to change his life and try something he hadn’t ever done before and you were amazing at it. You know this. Why? Because you wanted to be good enough for me. You saw that despite my past that I had changed my life and wanted to share a life with me.

Fast forward 12 years to today. So it’s been more than a decade and it’s anything but the fairytale ending for us both, or at least our version of a fairytale we planned on it being.

Well you would have got my letter by now? People have tried to convince me you’re not even in there anymore but I know you are, you have to be! You left me out here on my own. You lied to me and I will never forgive you for that. We had history and planned a life but you did what you always do and you were selfish. Yes I have always been the one that was stronger but this time I needed you to be strong for me.

I hate you, really. For hurting me. For making me feel like I was lied to by you! I hate you for being so rude to me and pushing me away. I doubted the beautiful things you ever told me when you got caught in a lie. So now I think no one will ever accept me completely the way you did.

I still love you and probably always will and that makes me hate you even more. I want you to get this in case one day soon I’m no longer me. For now I’m still here but I can feel it slipping away and I’m not sure what will be left soon. I have always been strong but everyone has their breaking point. The difference is I don’t think I will come back once I’m gone.

And for the millionths time is by Coal Chamber, ‘Dark Day’s’ but it’s more of a cruel joke now isn’t it?

I’ve got a new one for you. Alice Ivy, ‘Almost There’.

I hope you’re enjoying your stay! What is this number 7? Get you’re shit together, you’re better than this!!

Lots of love

Miss Webb

Day 2,245 Of Domestic Violence – The Art Of MAN-ipulation 101

Man-eater, temptress, master manipulator, puppeteer, siren, witch. These are just a few words that have been used to describe me in the past. To say I don’t know I’m even doing it would be a lie. Let just say I’m skilled in the art of a coquettish and have been for most of my life. Now I haven’t always used this talent for good as opposed to evil in the past. Since having my son I decided if I wanted him to one day have a fulfilling relationship with someone who loves and respects him and has his best interests at heart than I had better become someone like that myself.

For all that I know though the ending always seems to be the same, I find I’m never the one chosen in the end. On the other hand I’m the one they never forget or the one they can’t control themselves around. I’m the one your girlfriend hates because she catches you starring at me. In general females simply seem to hate me and I end up being one of the boys all the time. I don’t understand woman in general to be honest and seem to instead avoid them but this seems to get me in further trouble.

Why is this? I think it’s a simple case of me understanding the male brain a little more than most. Why is it when woman want to save a relationship some will intentionally get pregnant? Since when does a baby spice up your life? Sleepless nights, the smell of baby vomit and a new massive expense that ties you to someone for life! In no way is that sexy! Why not go out for dinner or if you’re strapped for cash simply smile…. it free! The addition of a child in most cases just means you will forever have this person you once had the best of times with tied to you for life and over the years become more and more bitter with you.

Now please don’t take me for some kind of idiot who thinks that woman need to please a man here. I believe in equal rights and that relationships are a two way street so in saying the above I also have advice for the other side too!

Men. Please stop trying to find your mother and a partner in the same person. Why? Well when it comes to you trying to show some sort of dominance over us please don’t wonder why we dig our heels in. If you don’t want to be self sufficient and treat us like your mother please don’t expect to ever be in charge or have us take you seriously in life. In my opinion there is nothing sexier than a man who can look after himself, is self sufficient and if they have children is a good father who is civil towards their ex partner in the best interest of their children.

Relationships are hard and breaking up is hard but for some of us that stay single at times people find this weird. I’ve been told by someone who was interested in me before, ‘but you’re single’ almost like I don’t have the right to say no. Guess what just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m interested in you or that it means I am obligated to do anything with you. I am allowed to say no because I simply don’t want to!

Why is it so crazy that I would like my son back and then decide who we invite into our lives and not for me to start a new life without him? He is my number one and I’m sorry if that offends anyone but tough shit to be honest!

Also I’ve decided to be very picky to be honest. I am self sufficient and independent and I’m going to find someone who is the same. Someone who is more of an whole person on their own first. Not someone who needs me or my addition completes their life. I’m also no longer going to get caught up in this weird phenomenon I’ve notice of anyone only ever being interested in someone if the other person isn’t. Is it the thrill of the chase which entices a person? I find more often than not it ends up in a race to see who can throw the other person away first. For some reason we have all become addicted to rejecting people but deep down our greatest fear is being the one rejected.

Why is this?

Why does it mean that when the little boy in the playground likes us he pushes us in the dirt? Why can’t he just say he likes us? Then everyone knows where they stand rather than trying to work out what he really means? Maybe we like him too so there you go everyone’s on the same page!

I have had people freak out when I’ve been upfront with them. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection that lacks in me that scares them? I don’t know to be honest but I decided a long time ago to stop playing games with peoples emotions and for that I’m not sorry.

This one ends here. No real answers but food for thought I think in the end.

Day 2,244 Of Domestic Violence – How Is Your Mental Health Today?

There have been so many times I’ve heard in the popular media about the issues pertaining to mental health and the great lengths governments have been going to in the way of tackling it. In my experience what I’ve found is anything but and is similar to the issue I found with DV Connect and other services provided for domestic violence assistance.

On the surface and if you are fortunate to be a person that is not in a position to be needing one of these it would appear that things are being taken seriously and plans were in place to tackle these issues.

Unfortunately once again I find that is anything but the case!

I would even say that as we learn more about certain issues the worse off the help is getting when tackling them. So where does blame lay and really why is this the case?

Let me start by pointing out just like our country used to provide ‘free university’ which a lot of our more experienced politicians would have had the pleasure of enjoying, sadly our health system is no longer ‘free’. Has the great Medicare refund scheme distracted us from the fact this is going on right before our very eyes? Is it really just me who can see this because I’ve been ranting about it for a while or are people simply too busy or uninterested to notice? Possibly it’s because we just don’t care because we don’t have a use for it in out lives at the time!

Don’t get me wrong there are still public hospitals but has anyone stopped to ask the question if having to now pay for part of a once bulkbilled almost everywhere GP service that maybe one day public hospitals won’t be so bulkbilled as well? I mean it’s less of a shock this way than going from ‘everything bulkbilled’ to having to pay the entire cost of your healthcare much like the United States.

My question is if we are now paying partially for it then where is the money we save going?

I have now had 3 hospitals fail me completely and in the Brisbane when it comes to mental issues. Without boring you with the details let’s just say the first one not only turned me away before a suicide attempt, which they were extremely sorry for but the help offered post attempt resulted in me telling the training psychiatrist that he would be responsible for patient deaths in the future due to his approach and he should consider a change to his career. The second lost money and my iPad along with a list of other issues and thirdly this week while I was aware that the wait was long, I simply gave up on waiting after firstly being offered a phone number instead of help but 10.5 hours waiting to speak to someone just left me disheartened.

So where the hell do you go if you feel like everything is getting too much? I have a psychiatrist I have been seeing for over 2 years now but he seems to almost ignore me or suggest more medications to help the problem? Tell me if I up my dosage will that help me find more money to live on as I currently struggle to pay for the basics thus causing me more anxiety? How about no it won’t but it may make me tired so I can sleep away some of those hours I usually spend worrying.

I called Beyond Blue a day later which appears at the top of the Google search engine. Not only was that advice blatantly obvious answers which made me question if the guy had even listened to me I ended the call feeling even worse. I did learn that although in the past there had been better serviced through out the public hospital system now it was really just a suicide watch tank and the rest expected to be done outside major hospitals.

So where do you go when life gets way too hard and you need to discuss it? Where do you go when you find you are having major issues coping and even walking out of the front door some days is almost impossible. You find it is compounding and don’t know where to turn?

I would have thought that when you had tried so many options already as I have which simply weren’t working maybe a major hospital might have some good advice.

So in the end where is all of this money in tax we are paying going if more and more we are funding our own healthcare?

Once again I find that it’s mostly smoke and mirrors and when you don’t need these services it seems as if they are on top of it and something is being done but just like DV Connect it’s a case of ‘what’s the fucking point?’.

Day 2,236 Of Domestic Violence – I Mustache You A Question But First I Will Give You A Clue!

I don’t even know where to begin with this one! Other than ‘ha ha funny play on words hey?’ Honestly that’s the best I could come up with!

These usually have a somewhat ‘whimsical’ feel to them. They usually detail the somewhat unbelievable and bizarre trail we found ourselves on. This one is just pissing me off to be honest. The message I sent you, well it’s the truth. Well it is at least from my perspective. I guess I figure if I’m never to be then I at least want to be a memory that lasts a lifetime. One that they look back upon every now again with a huge smile and wonder ‘what ever happened to that scattered little fairy who kidnapped me and took me on a magical journey!’.

Blaa blaa blaa and then there’s you! I am doing my best to not lash out because none of this feeing is your fault. If anything to date you have been the nicest, the sweetest, most real, most understanding, most bravely open and honest, completely real at times without much hindering you and the list could go on for days it would seem. Let’s not forget the funniest.

This anger actually comes from me wondering if the ‘universe’ just hates me? I had already made peace with it quite some time ago but it seems that’s not good enough.

I wrote just 4 days ago one of these titled, ‘Where have all the cowboys gone?’. In a nut shell it was me likening myself to the artist Paula Cole who released a song of that very title in 1997. Just a decade apart it would seem. The ‘sly, somewhat sarcastic complaint about how the search for something other than the empty ‘cliches’ definition is of love still hasn’t resulted in success.’

It was a message from me to someone who also showed me a lot of the things you have. In true irony I am finding you are all getting nicer and all of those positive things I probably needed a long time ago. This comes at a time when I am capable of helping the least. It also makes it that little bit harder to say good bye at the end because I have so many little odd bits of confidence now that wasn’t there before and I have each one of you to thank as you are all responsible for its existence. I came to accept my role or at least a good reason to explain what happens next. I just don’t fall, therefore I don’t need to get back up. I’m not sure if I even know what it feels like anymore. It’s been messed with to the point I don’t trust it’s judgement.

So to the cutest, most ticklish, funniest, beautifully sweet yet lost soul….

Where the effing hell did you come from?

No I’m not suggesting that thanks settle down! Like I said I don’t trust it’s judgement anymore. Plus I have some messed up ‘Disney dream’ of finding a ‘best friend’ who is my equal and in the end as one passes away the other dies of a broken heart or spend shit. Yeh wow I know. So that thought would be nice but let’s face it, it’s delusional it would seem!

Wait. In reality I’m not actually sure of what the hell I’m saying at all, just ‘wow DV all day’. Don’t flatter yourself or do I’m easy and you do deserve good things and to be happy. This is more of a ‘I’m so sorry I can’t help you more than I am right now. I am usually better at this.’

Truth?

I’m not ok either at the moment. None of it makes sense. I miss my son. I’m tired of fighting my own family to be myself and for what I’m saying to be heard. I’m not doing any of it right. I’m lost too. I truly am sorry I can’t be of more help. Thank you for the little adventures, it’s made it possible for my head to stop for a while and for me to breathe. I loved giggling until we made things soft for some reason? _____[insert profound statement which gives us some direction or just makes some sense of this coz I’ve got nothing]____.

Lastly I made you this…..

I feel it sums it up nicely don’t you?

Well? Ok I will let you off this time. Like I said I can see you are so incredibly ’emotionally intelligent’ as a person but it seems you struggle to turn it into words. I am pretty confident you get my drift I hope! However if you do come up with something please let me know. At present I’ve got absolutely nothing here and that’s probably a first!

I mean have a look at how much I can write about having no idea. Imagine if I had one? Scary novel perhaps?

I’m not saying good bye now just getting out the fact I’m also where you are so you’re not alone. When does it stop? I think we will know what maybe?

Ok just because I feel it’s not fair to not mention the adventure here it is. The initial uncomfortable as hell introduction coupled with accusations of previous and secretive ‘super chinesness’ between us which i’d like to set the record straight by saying is simply not true! Bold, blatant and somewhat opprobrious references to something we have now established is a disability and discrimination is alive and well on that front! Test driving a grave site and realising they are probably not worth the money considering the creature comforts. Feeling as if we were getting eaten by mosquitoes EVERYWHERE we went, so many Eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses and my personal favourite, brushing of ones hair/non existent hair behind ones ear in an endearing fashion. Random bodies of water, so much cuteness, possibly a preplanned makeshift bed on the water but astroturf? Unbeknownst to you taking me to a house that someone frequents, that one I’m guessing had even better odds than a needle in a hay stack, incredible actually to the point I couldn’t even get mad! Lol. Making it weird pretty much the entire time and that being so funny I kinda wish I was doing it now. Brief ‘theft’ maybe if two times vehicles and the old ‘threw me shoulder out bro’ classic which I’m sure was executed with so much grace. Pointing at everything! Yep funny! Some treasured Kodak moments…, not! Something so cute and ticklish that now I’m not even sure if it was real or I made it up in my head?? It was hell cute is all! But mostly the incredibly infectious giggles and the rest, you know which bits they are!

So yeh!

Enjoy!

Hopefully see you soon sweet pea!

X

Day 2,234 Of Domestic Violence – Happier

This one goes out to a friend of mine who I had an interesting ‘school excursion’ to the cemetery with this morning. Now this person is hilariously quick witted which I’m sure will get him in loads of trouble when he grows up although something tells me he will have the best fun doing it!

After spending some time last night with my new friend I got to see the most beautifully innocent side to him. One that was kind and thoughtful. One that I wish we all had within us.

Now can I point out this person is only ten years old and not far off towering over me already. He is probably the most ‘intelligent’ ten year old I have come across thus far and at times it was like interacting with someone more than twice his age.

Can I start by saying I’m impressed by your efforts so far. The initial part is always the hardest part but you are nailing it! For someone your age and all that you’ve been through you should be so very proud of yourself. Now I don’t make a habit of being wrong very often so I am quietly confident that my earlier prediction that ‘before long you will be ten times stronger than your mother and I put together.

I enjoyed our conversation today and I know it began with me saving you from potentially being eaten by a very cranky mum but it was really refreshing to see just how much insight you have into yourself and your short 10 years.

Embrace your boisterous and loud side as well as your shy self. At times you will find there is a need to be confident and stand up for yourself so your tough and confrontational side will be needed. You will also need at other times to be quiet observing situations to get a full understanding of what’s going on life.

Personally it’s been an honour becoming your new unicorn, yawny. I think there are so many amazing things to love about you because you are perfectly imperfect so remember that!

Dude if I can give you any advice and yes this advice is for me as well, don’t poke the bear all the time because you get a bit bored. Your mum loves you more than anything in this world and I can sympathise with her current state as this is not something any of us should have to deal with.

Lastly I listen to your song the whole way home today. It’s perfect. Thinking about my current state of mind I really am happier and a lot of that is thanks to you. Never underestimate the impact you can have on someone’s life even when you’re not trying so thank you Seth.

I’m gonna work on that step counter and I’ll see you soon for some big walks and chats.

Lots of love Carly

P.S. I’m calling you on your little ‘master manipulator tactics’. I will give it to you, you are good but I see all so don’t be fooled by my blonde hair!! 😀

Day 2,233 Of Domestic Violence – Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

‘Where have all the cowboys gone?’ For some reason the 1990’s hit by the so called ‘anti feminist’ Paula Cole comes to mind. That is when I think of how things are at present and have been for sometime. No not literally! Just like I’m sure the song was intended in 1997, as a sly, somewhat sarcastic complaint about how the search for something other than the empty ‘cliches’ definition is of love still hasn’t resulted in success. Thus my reference to it.

Suddenly I feel like maybe Paula Cole and I might be the same person just a decade apart?

It’s also kind of a message to someone. Someone who if I’m correct in my previous assumptions, of having higher intelligence will get where I’m at totally (after listening to the song again).

The past few days I have kind of been thinking about this person who jokingly called me ‘Germaine Greer’ the first night we met. Funny how a room can be full yet no one can get a fairly simple reference. Maybe you just have to be a person who reads a book once a decade to be that kind of funny?

Maybe it’s not funny at all to the general consensus but to be honest I’ve missed talking to someone who might know about things I didn’t previously know. I feel a huge lack of ‘mental stimulation’ at present from someone my own age, who is equally as innocently sweet yet substantially troubled enough to laugh about all their misfortune.

So I guess to that person, ‘Hi! I hope you find yourself somewhere better than where I am which is crisis overload but at the same time bored as hell by it all and wondering what the point of it all is’.

As someone I have come to absolutely adore would say, ‘maybe another space and time?’.

Until then, good night!

Day 2,231 Of Domestic Violence – Careful What You Wish For

Domestic violence has been a part of my life for a very long time but not until a few months ago did I realiseI that fully. People carry on with far out concepts of existence and ask questions like ‘what’s beyond the universe?’ But quite frankly I’m still trying to work out what the everyday human means and decipher actions and certain behaviours of those who present one way but mean something else.

Growing up I can remember laying awake at night a lot, so lonely and misunderstood. It makes me cry thinking about that little girl and how desperately she preyed that one day someone on this earth might love her and she wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. I imagined it was like being saved and I remember thinking that I must be the only person on the planet who felt this way. Like something was wrong with me that I was the only person no one could love.

This might explain why I seem to adopt anyone and everyone. I say the above but the feeling I had growing up truthfully words could not describe. I guess it’s a case of my thinking that if anyone of these broken birds I come across feels even a fraction of the way she felt then I can’t live with myself if I walk away leaving them alone like that little girl whom I used to be.

They say ‘be careful what you wish for’ and it would seem like I am the most unlucky person when it comes to love but this might not be the case it seems. Now not until yesterday did I finally admit to myself that I already knew that ‘one true love’. In fact I met this person for the first time 3054 days ago. This person ticks all the boxes, he is my best friend, he made me a better and stronger person just by being in my life, I would die for him, I want him in my life always and he has honestly been the only person who has loved me for me straight off the bat.

That person is my son.

Up until now nothing has really broken me but this experience and having him taken away from me due to someone else’s agenda makes me lose my mind and has caused me to almost take my own life in the past. No I don’t want to hear all the shit comments from the world about how ‘selfish’ that is because quite frankly I’m tired of listening to you all flap your weak, thoughtless and overused hypocritical mouths because simply you don’t have a clue firstly about how to be honest with yourself when it comes to your own shit but secondly who the hell decided you can judge a person on how they feel like it’s their pain. Wholeheartedly I don’t want to do it but when all that I ask is that people see that the things that have happened and the way that I feel are in fact just that. Doing the complete opposite pushes me to a place where not even existing seems like the only thing that will make it stop.

To those behind those behaviours can I ask, ‘why is it you need to be so deceitful when it comes to your approach? Why not come out and say it how it is? I mean if you want to damage me so that I never get him back then own it at least. Or maybe you know what you are doing is so disgustingly wrong that’s why you hide, lie and point fingers?’. Finally if you think that diagnosis actually fits then I’m terrified of what damage you’ve been able to inflict upon my son over the past two years. Finding an excuse to make what you’ve done ok is beyond words and maybe it’s you that needs to rid the world of your presence not me. What the hell did that little boy ever do to you to deserve what you’ve done to him?

To my son,

I’m sorry I let you down and you were mad with me the other day. I didn’t really say anything to you but that is because I know that making any excuse for it only helps me lie to myself and you’re right I shouldn’t be late no matter what.

This is all taking a massive toll on me my love and I am sorry I’m not stronger within myself to not let it effect me the way it does. I have always believed that I was good for you and I desperately hope that is true. The example I have for a mother is one that makes me sick to my stomach. I am not sure if she even knows she is doing it but it makes me question whether I am doing the same just without knowing it?

Again you are right and I will keep trying my best because you are the one thing I wished for a very long time ago! You are so worth it in the end but I’m trying my best to keep it together.

I love you my son please know that.

To you and you know who you are. I don’t know if you realise but the reason no one will show their face at any family meeting is because they can see how nuts you are! You obviously think this is a ‘do over kid’ and would explain the entire thing. While you think the sun shines out if your…… in reality everyone is awkwardly pretending it’s not real. I’m guessing they are hoping you’ll snap out if it. You’re not a saint, more an embarrassment and pathetic excuse for a mother.

See you soon.

Day 2,207 Of Domestic Violence – Don’t Be That Guy!

What is friendship? It should mean caring and understanding for someone outside your family circle. In a sense the creation of an extended family. The beautiful thing is you get to enjoy the highs and lows of someone’s life, such as their kids growing up with yours and as it is a relationship by choice rather than blood it can be very much a better fit than the ones forced upon you by birth.

I lost a very good friend about 2 years ago after over 20 years friendship. While we weren’t always joined at the hip and did spend periods in different friendship circles we managed to always gravitate back towards each other. From best friends in year 3 and sleeping over at each other’s house every week end to becoming mothers of our first children the same year. This I’m not going to touch on as it is a painful reminder.

So if we gravitate back towards each other then why do I talk about her like it’s final? Well when my life fell apart in 2016, I’m sure I was painful and hearing about it all the time was hard work but she chose to turn a blind eye and sadly I haven’t heard from her since. I did see her at the shopping centre where she worked on her lunch break at one point. I drew a line in the sand when she almost waked straight through me as I tried to say hi.

I like to think I am a realistic person at the end of the day. I feel my ability to be understanding of others and the world around me is pretty fair. I get that she had her own life and I’m not expecting anything really other than maybe just for her to say ‘oh hi’ that day. Or just a text every couple of months to say ‘love you and thinking about you’. While it’s easy to be a new friend keeping long-standing friendships is hard. I have a couple of special friends who do this and even though I usually steer away from naming people I think these ones deserve to know how much good their little bit of love does in keeping me on track!

So to my very dear and longtime friends, Mandy and Kristy!! I am forever grateful for your messages every couple of months and I love you guys. This is a rough journey forever made that little bit easier thanks to you guys! I hope to repay the favour or at least live up to the very high standard you’ve set! I hope you and your beautiful little families are doing ok and I can’t wait to get back to fun times watching our kids play together again.

So when it comes to being a friend? Have I always been the best example? Probably not. I have from time to time maybe been someone I couldn’t consider worthy of being on the list next to the above two names but in all honesty I’ve probably dropped the ball more times than not. That doesn’t dishearten me or make me want to just give up! It certainly doesn’t make me want to set out to screw a friend over or anyone who doesn’t at least deserve it! You know who you are. Part of me feels responsible for bringing you two together that day. I have already made the comment to you ‘you don’t even do a good job at being an a#*hole because your response is still, no matter how hard you try understanding and caring’. Right now you are playing a character you and I both know is not the real you.

I’m not going to take back the last thing I wrote because I still believe it to be true. People make mistakes, in the end it’s what you do about it. While this was not really a ‘thing’ and I’m not hurt or upset as a friend can I tell you, dick move dude! Bicycles shouldn’t be ridden by that many people! I mean who am I to point finders? I feel like I try and have a little bit of class, this is why I pay my way and believe I should be able to support myself. I don’t know if I could live with myself or at least respect myself if people spoke about me that way.

In retrospect he was more ‘real’ than you were. Despite his life being in a really shitty position at the time which I’m guessing has become a little harder now he at least had a grasp on reality and the world around him. He also had a healthier self worth than you obviously do because he did not need the ‘hero’ statements or the bullshit glossed over crap that falls out of your mouth from time to time. Don’t get me wrong I get why it exists but you don’t need to hurt others because you obviously want to punish yourself. He is brave enough to say ‘here’s me, flaws and all’ which in reality tells me he is so much further in the right direction when it comes to ‘healthy self esteem and self worth’. I don’t think he has much to be jealous of at this point, maybe it’s you who should be jealous of him.

In the end I’d be more like him than you. The saddest part is and I don’t know if you’ve noticed it but I’m guessing he doesn’t let people in very often. He seems quiet and reserved most of the time, almost like there’s not much going on at all with him but if you dig even just the smallest bit you find someone who is weird, funny, smart as hell, kind and would have your back in a second. All it seems he asks for is that you don’t screw him over and maybe just be a genuine person! At the same time he seems lost and disheartened but not sufficiently broken that he has turned into what I describe an ‘aberration’ with behaviours similar to the ones you appear to be displaying. They are all consuming, soul destroying creatures who are incapable of ever feeling any genuine human connection. Much like the one you have found yourself shacked up with at present and one that sadly appears to have done a number on his life for sometime now. While I didn’t know him all that long he did become extremely open and real with me almost immediately and it’s not something I take lightly. These things can be lost in people and never return so they need for them to be treated with the up most respect.

When we were with you that day, I noticed him a couple of times look over at me like he was uneasy but glad I was there to have his back. For all that he is and what he himself is capable of it’s a pretty devastating realisation that something as simple as the ‘human condition’ can turn a person ordinarily seen as terrifying into someone who almost feels safer having a tiny 5’5″ girl in a situation to have his back. Realistically what can I do? Other than actually have his back?

Well in the interest of practicing what I preach I felt the need to write this. You know what you are doing is pretty low so I’m guessing that’s why you are in a sense hiding? Yes this is my platform but it seems like the best way to have a message reach you because I know you read these.

So what to say? You know already though. That’s the saddest part. Having to explain it or better yet say it out load like you are an idiot isn’t pleasurable for me in the slightest. I don’t enjoy treating people I care about like morons but right now that’s how you’re acting. Most people turn a blind eye to almost anything. I am not one of those people.

I know you get it and your attempt at ‘destroying your life’ because you don’t think you deserve anything good is probably a waste of time maybe? It would be a shame if you lost anymore time not being ok with you because I know you are! You’re a pussy who is just too scared to do it because you care too much about what others think. Now I know you don’t have what a lot of them have and that is a need to be a ‘hero’. You do genuinely care about people and I’d like to believe you genuinely care about me. Despite it feeling like I was making a fool of myself because I’m not your typical female, I’m going to turn up and make a scene thinking that will win your heart. In reality it you want to act that way I don’t particularly want to waste my time with you. I genuinely know what I’m worth and it’s not to waste my time of someone that behaves the way you do. I’m not afraid to say it as I don’t care who it is or how it looks because just like the girl who yelled at you and you followed around like a lost puppy the first time you met her I will stand up for myself and put you in your place when you need it. I did turn up to the shed because I do have a genuine concern about something and not sure where to go. You told me to do that if I needed and I believed that! Like I said I don’t ask for help very often. This is not one I can use my powers on and no it’s not my doing. This concerns two people trying to make their lives better but an outside force who was set to oppress one of them and stomp the other one out for helping him because he does not want to let go. I emphasise the fact that safety is of the up most importance.

I know you saw me and that’s probably why you ran off like a coward. The young guy in the car was my brother and even he said ‘you looked scary but you were still very nice’ so it’s not just me who sees the truth. Her on the other hand he described as more of a banshee so let’s ask ourselves, ‘what’s the pay off?’. Is the need to destroy your life that great?

If and when you run into each other again can you look him in the eye knowing what you did? Say what you want but I witnessed both of you choose to switch off from the outside world, forfeiting that so called ‘money’ you apparently love so much and actually enjoy yourself because in the end it was like watching two school girls at a sleepover. You had so much fun you ended up sick and needing to be babied.

Why do I need to even need to say any of this to you? You are the smartest one I’ve found so far, not to mention the most genuine at your core. I think it’s hilarious how you joke ‘why don’t you blog about it’ which would give the impression to most you thought it was ridiculous and a waste of time but I know you will read this. Now although you were very good, you still dropped little snippets of information that one could only have known by reading one or two of these. If you don’t then I guess it’s your loss in the end. Remember when I offered you genuine love and respect as a friend? Well tough love is still love although I don’t think I have been that tough on you here! Better late than never and it’s not going to be easy looking him in the face but even I had to say something the other day to someone making a joke of his situation. I certainly don’t like it when I’m in that position and I’m sure either do you. It’s hard to find good people and better yet good friends so when and where you can grab them and remember to say thanks to them because they deserve it!! They make you a little stronger which can’t be purchased so your theory of money meaning happiness is disproven once again so before you self destruct too badly, putting it bluntly ‘get your shit together and stop proving just how poorly you can do an impression of an idiot who just doesn’t get it and me to be right’! It’s unbecoming of you!

Ok so why am I holding you to a higher standard? Because you’re smarter than your average bear and I know you get it. Nat has never said that about any male to my knowledge before so that probably means something. The pay off for us is that one day I’m sure we all get to find our piece of happiness. We also get to live if we choose to a life without strings. One that is rich and full and most never get to enjoy because they are bound by strings. Right now you are bound by strings by your own self destructive self . Putting it bluntly, you’re not getting any younger and if you want those things you thought you missed out on in this life then wake up to yourself. The way you are going you will be back inside before you know it and at best you may knock up some bimbo along the way but I can tell you from experience, although the child is perfect the way they are having one with someone who is not right can turn catastrophic and completely ruin your life and rob you and your child of many years which can’t be bought or got back. Learn from my mistakes or don’t it’s up to you! I offered you unconditional as a friend but it’s up to you whether you want it or not.

All the best you sweet creature who is stranger than strange who I had Thai from a random food van on the side of a mountain.

Thinking about it now, that van was weird and I’ve never seen anything quite like that? Why did we’re they there so late and why did they seem to pack up and leave after us? I didn’t see anyone else order from them? For some reason it feels like that van was out there for us rather than us stumbling upon it. No it’s nothing like that, it’s almost like this is a ‘Truman Show’ style occurrence which would mean we were purposefully placed in each other’s lives and cutting those strings is infinite!

Why?

I don’t know? I mean I’m good but I don’t know everything!

Anyway I talk too much so I will work on that lol. You need to stop playing a part in your own life and start actually living it. If not then go back to hiding but stop hurting those around you who have the courage to be themselves despite them not being perfect.

Day 2,206 Of Domestic Violence – Why Does This Pig-ture Remind Me Of You?

You know who you are. Believe it or not I had pretty much made peace with it and moved on. It’s second nature at this point sadly but if I allowed myself to feel them all I probably wouldn’t ever get out of bed ever again so this approach exists in its place. It’s a necessary evil! I mean how on earth would I meet the next potential victim?

So I’m going about my day, painfully putting one foot in front of another when I thought to myself, ‘fuck this I wonder how my valentine is going? Who is my valentine? Well it’s my twin and someone who I have spent many occasions awkwardly laughing instead of crying on the fetal position, scratching our heads wondering why we are so unlucky in love. She is also the tiny vixen responsible for our chance meeting that day.

Now Miss Natalie and I are a lot alike. Brutally honest, inappropriately forthcoming at times, we can’t lie or pretend we like you and the same seems to be reciprocated. You won’t find anyone who can say ‘yeh she’s alright’. You love us to death or hate our guts with a passion. Every time I have executed one of my epic displays of ‘see how it feels’ in retaliation to someone I cared about displaying nothing but utter disregard for me as a human being I love how she is alway the most proud!

Same goes for her! You have gotta love a girl who loves fire but be warned. If you enjoy it she will take you to levels your tiny brain could not fathom. I say this for your own safety because much like me she is not afraid to take you there and some might question if that was the plan to begin with in the beginning.

Now all of this comes wrapped up in a mere 5’3″ stature if that. Lastly and my favourite part about her the most devilish giggle and smile like none other. All I can say is I’m glad to have never been on the wrong end of this side of her.

So what did she say? She giggled about how you had obviously fallen in love with me almost at first sight. I must admit it was so very cute and made me feel special. So I told her we had left together that night but in the end it was a case of it not working out which seems to be a running theme in our lives. Now bare in mind Nat knows very well the one and only man I can say I have ever loved. The person responsible for my almost 16 year on again and off again disgrace of a love affair which finally came to a horrific end last year. So in the whole time I’ve known her she has never said anything like this to me before. It’s kinda just been a case of two white chicks shaking their heads at each other. Not today though because she piped up and said ‘I think you may have let a good one go with him’. Hearing her of all people say that made me stop, hence the reason for this post.

Just quietly I already knew this. I just didn’t really want to acknowledge it.

Don’t get me wrong you were definitely different to the rest! You were one of my favourites! You’re smart as hell and you called me on my ‘games’ for lack of a better word or simply just played along which was fun. I truly like someone that can keep up as I just get bored a lot of the time, hence the reason I play games. They were in no way intended to harm or cause you anything untoward. If anything they were pure and from someone who fully gets what it means to be loyal and all those things so many others fuck up on a minute by minute basis it seems sometimes. I like it when I don’t know everything believe it or not! I enjoy learning new things so I enjoyed hanging out with you. Yep I’m putting you on the secret nerd.

I’m not going to sit here and point fingers either. It would have been nice to have some form of conversation but it is what it is. It would have been nice to hear from the ‘real you’. Not the one who says a lot of really impressive statements or hides behind the facade of someone who’s got it all together. The person who was honest and vulnerable the first night we hung out on a mountain eating random roadside Thai.

Like I tried to explain in a very fucked up way, my issues concerning my ‘fear of the unknown’ are massive. So maybe you are wondering why it was so severe? Simply I am a product of the people in my life lying to me and subsequently causing a panic which has gone beyond the ‘normal realms’. It now manifests itself as an obvious physical and emotional response. One that is honestly just embarrassing and something I hate! Needless to say it exists and I’m doing my best but I understand it’s not easy to deal with.

Not sure where you are or what you are doing but I hope you’re ok! Thanks for the laughs and everything else. I could sit here and apologise but to be honest I’m a bit sick of being the only one who apologises when my intentions weren’t anything but honest and worth someone’s time. Also for the fact everyone has to come to the party not just me, I never needed you in my life. It might have been nice to have you in my life but in no way was it a need.

To my valentine Nat. You crack me up! Hey in my opinion in 10 years I’d be privileged to be just like you! You are passionate, funny, crazy, spontaneous and all the rest! Don’t ever change you!

I will see you Thursday if you are still keen for our ‘anti Valentine’s Day rampage’.

Why should happy people have all the fun?

Day 2,202 Of Domestic Violence – Unconditional Love Is No-Prob-Lama!

Unconditional love. It’s what your mother has for you. Well it’s what your mother is supposed to have for you. I know that I have it within me. There are a lot of things in this life I get that I feel a lot of humans or as I often refer to them, ‘aberrations’ don’t get. Unconditional love is one of them.

What does that mean?

Well it means to me at least firstly, accepting that people aren’t perfect and not expecting them to live up to what you want for their lives. It means keeping them in your life as long as they are ‘healthy’ for your overall health and wellbeing. Loving them and being realistic, like accepting the fact that from time to time they will let you down but you will also do the same to them at times. It’s about weeding out the bad, keeping the good ones close and where possible propping them up when they need it.

So what if you are almost certain someone was going to be good for your overall health and well-being. There’s a catch, now due to their own issues they have also built up barriers as their own form of protection? What if these barriers sometimes cause you to spiral? Can you ask them to change the behaviour in which they have come to rely on for their own self preservation? Does the crazy chick who writes a blog knows she’s crazy?

The answer is yes but I prefer ‘quirky’.

I don’t know the answer to any of those questions to be honest but I gave it a crack! I will have to wait and see if the good in me outweighs the bad! I can tell you it’s never boring and full of lots of love and giggles!

I guess in the end it’s all just one fucked up stagger across the threshold of our awaiting six foot hole in the earth. That is if you’re not lucky enough to have your loving family burn the shit out of your remains!

I hope there’s a prize for the most messed up head at the finish line because I’m in for a chance at that title! But I do have issues with needing to win everything.

Possibly this is simply an issue fixed as long as you have a a special little guy who makes everything better?

Who is he?

Why he’s a creature named ‘no-prob-lama’. He’s a drama deflecting lama.

Something makes me wish I had $60! Today I feel like a psychic reading is the answer to my dilemma. I’ve never had one done but what if this mystical she devil knows something that might be useful? I’m running out of ideas here!

Unfortunately I don’t have a drama deflecting lama. Just this head of mine which I truly like living in but it’s hard work most days.

I hope that when I close my eyes for the last time that I’m surrounded by my strange little family and able to stop the monologue. I wonder what it might feel like to be content?

The end for now!

Day 2,201 Of Domestic Violence – Could You Be The Same Same But Different?

It’s a funny thing watching someone else self destruct or push people away. It’s as if it transferred from me to you while we were sleeping. While one messed up head, hell bent on pushing the world away fell asleep the other appeared to have woken up that way.

I enjoyed waking up with you this morning. I don’t know if I have ever felt that content and safe before. I had totally forgotten where I was when I woke up so it was a slight surprised to see I was attached to your very comfortable arm which I had been using as a pillow. I had to smile because as soon as I moved in the slightest way this morning you pulled me towards you and held me tight. It was as if you had been on guard over me all night and even though you had fallen asleep you were still alert. I stand by the comment I made the other day, that I like you better when you are sleeping!

Whatever this is, is not the same as it usually is. The need to rip each other’s clothes off isn’t there as much but that’s ok I think. It’s never a feeling of rejection and it’s not as if there isn’t chemistry between us either. I know compared to normal I’m not the same but I think that I might be me just saving my energy so I can go on instead. Yours seems like it’s a case of too many damaging examples have forced you into becoming a recluse. I didn’t realise no one else went to your hideaway. Sometimes you don’t realise someone is ‘seeing you’ for you and really does think you are something special until it’s pointed out so thank you! I do feel honoured.

Although it’s not the same what I have found in its place I haven’t ever found before and I think I prefer it. For the record I am sorry about last night! I just have nothing left in me to take or many possessions to have you steal. You have been really nice, although most might see it as a messed up way of showing that it’s in good fun. I just freaked out because I am not used to being treated in the best of ways ever before. I am not sure why that is but I know my intention was not to make your life difficult.

For the life of me I didn’t want to write another one about you especially so soon but here we are. All your smug little smartass jokes about ‘are you gonna blog about it’ are so hilarious funny boy! So I write this through gritted teeth because I can almost see the fucking smile on your face right now. It’s not that funny! This is what ‘I’ do to people and while it has happened to me before, people being able to work me out and kind of see what’s going on. In other words you are one of those relationships within my life that bares no strings for me to pull. Some people enjoy that kind of thing. I have even been accused of intentionally finding them not so bright so I can mastermind the entire thing. In a way this is correct I guess. Not for any reason that is untoward though, it’s more for my own safety. They can’t hurt me as bad if I control the game and stay one step ahead. It becomes boring and often lends me to being mischievous with people out of sheer boredom. With you it scares me because it’s been established as an even playing field and this being much of the reason I melted down.

Although you make comments which make my blood boil sometime or I feel your answer is one of someone who ‘just doesn’t get it’ I know you do. I kick myself every time because I keep taking the bate and you find it hilarious so thank you for messing with me. I know it’s in good fun and you do it to stir me. It’s a bit of a wake up call about just how highly strung and full of anxiety I’ve become so thank you. Although I would find it funnier if it was happened to someone else I do see the humours side of it. I know you asked me why wasn’t I smiling last night? Well I was a little sensitive. Those things you joked about I already tell myself I think but I knew you were just trying to lighten the mood, this being the reason for the emotionless expression but not angry because I knew it was not meant to hurt me.

You were a massive dick this morning I hope you know! You could probably tell by my face? I’m not going to comment on that big girl hissy fit because just like you knew all the right things to say during my meltdown I’m going to have a crack at doing the same! So ‘ha ha you’re not perfect!’ It was a very nice attempt at pushing me away but not going to work sorry. Just for the record I think you’re perfectly imperfect and just like me worth a whole lot of someone’s time.

They say everything happens for a reason and I think you may have come along in my life just in time because honestly I was about to give up the fight! Ok so you will have a big head right now, so much so you’re stealing the oxygen all the way over here in Southport! Ha ha again I know you are not as full of yourself as you may make out you are. You do the things for people that you do because you want nothing more than for the people around you to be happy and if you are in a position to help you do. I get what you mean when you say ‘if you are in the position where I am not then I should just take the help from you’. I will do my best to be better at that but know I don’t take handouts very well and believe I should pay my way. This is only because I respect you and because you have in such a short time helped me in more ways than anyone else. This was simply understanding me and making me feel like it’s ok to be me which is all I have been asking for.

You are well aware that I can see who you are and who you are is just perfect! You are stranger than strange and secretly highly intelligent and someone who challenges me and keep me in check which right now is what I need if I am to move forward. I think I might be right when I called it, that you may be one of those relationships that helps mend some of the brokenness inside me, even if it just stays friends. Although we haven’t had the defining conversation on what we are you make comments implying it is more and I am not sure if they are serious or not? I am going to guess they are you testing the water and seeing what my reaction is maybe? My answer to you is for now it is way too soon and we both have a lot going on. I am not bothered or scared by them your comments, I actually like the sound of them one day being true. So if this continues to be a healthy relationship and we both still want to then I’d love nothing more! The catch is much like I only ever have a spot for one person and am fearlessly loyal, I only do the number one position, in fact the only position because I believe I am worth that much.

Xx

Day 1,200 Of Domestic Violence – Brother From Another

Dear Brother From Another

The way I could describe you is the same way I would love someone to describe me. You are funny, smart, quick witted and a beautiful person who I know has the potential to do amazing things. You are kind and genuinely caring which is not easily found in people these days. You see those around you when others walk by which is beautiful and don’t ever loose that quality about yourself! Life is about causing the least damage to those around you not things. Things can come and go but experience can never be taken away from you.

What can I say? It’s hard being us. Very much so I want to be here but at the same time this life feels like a cruel joke. I have seen my friend from school, work colleagues and family members slot in nicely to this world. I’m not delusional in thinking it’s all roses for them or that they are living a fairytale but when I think some of the ‘hardest lessons’ I’ve had to learn or some of the things I’ve had to overcome I can bet my last dollar that their struggle has not been a fraction of what mine has been.

I have lost count of the amount times the lesson had been one so cruel or harsh that it has changed me but probably not for the better. I have lost count of the times the outcome has been simply ‘too bad’. I have lost count the amount of times it has been clear injustice but nobody listened. I have lost count the amount of times it has contravened my human rights but no body cared.

I have reported rape and been left like I was nothing by police. Only to endure further acts of violence and still nobody cares. Even after that still finding the strength to speak out but the outcome the same. My son was kidnapped but police wouldn’t do anything. I was told ‘this isn’t going to be easy’ by the officer who took my statement after months of domestic violence. This being after they told me it was the only way to stay safe. My greatest regret is standing up for something so many ad campaigns tell me are my god given right because I lost 2 years with me son. This is why I make so much noice now but even then I’m threatened and they attempt to silence me. People have lied to keep my son from me but somehow got away with it. It’s not right and it’s not fair but it’s ignored by those who make the decisions. In the end I can’t get the time back so what do I do other than regret the entire thing. No apologies will mend what is broken inside me.

They often ask me ‘why don’t you get a job or just fix your life’. None of those statement help because the fact is I’m too broken to be part of their world right now and they can’t even see how that might have happened. I have tried to kill myself but failed. It was to make them see what they were doing to me is hurting so bad that I didn’t want to be anymore: Everyday I regret waking up because it has never resulted in him coming home to me. Some days I wonder why I didn’t do it properly a long time ago because it doesn’t look like it will ever change. I question whether I simply enjoy it now because surly I should have known it would never end.

The worst thing is I don’t even remember what it was like to be a mother anymore and that further fuels this feeling of emptiness and despair.

What have I learnt from all of this that might help you? I don’t know? I often hope it’s one of those hero stories they write books about? Not that it’s something I’m aiming for, more because those people’s stories are so out in the open that the ones who sort to destroy them can’t get close to them ever again. My life at 19 would almost fill a book and I thought that after overcoming that and ‘fixing myself’ I could never end up back there. To my surprise this life has would end up a much longer book. It would be and more intricate than being 19 and looking massive charges and being the centre of an investigation for over 2 years. All I know is I can’t do this a third time and I wish we had the ability to see the future because I want to know if we will be ok. Knowing that will make this easier and help me keep going because more days than not now I want to give up.

All I know is I want you here. I wish I had more for you because I feel that I let you down most days but I’m doing my best. I love you and want you around, you have no idea. I loved your story the other day and I love how protective of me you are. It made me feel special and worth something. Please know I feel the same about you my little brother. I hope we make it and I am doing my best to get us there!

Lots of love

Your new big sister and one of your biggest fans!

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Day 1,197 Of Domestic Violence – Sometimes Dickhead Friends Are Worth Having Sometimes

I started writing this about a day ago. Normally these begin well but end the same. Crashing and burning and me left wondering how I could have missed the obvious signs in front of my face the entire time. This being the reason for such a wide selection of misfires to choose from.

I often want to delete some of these kinds of entries but I’m using this platform to both show a real depiction of my life as well as a tool for me to learn from. Deleting them seems like putting a filter on my photos, it’s not the real story then is it? It becomes more of a ‘prettied up version’ and for the interest of this being a learning tool I’m guessing not a lot of growth will come from the glamorised version?

This time I decided to wait for a sign that this wasn’t like the rest. Today I think I got that text message.

First here is how this post started.

So every now and again people come along and make you stop in your tracks for a moment.

Who would have thought turning up to support a friend who was moving out of my dickheads ‘ex friends’ place could result in a lovely little adventure with a mischievously sweet creature who was stranger than strange, much like myself. Now as much as he seems to be a lot like me at the same time he is not an easy one to work out which is not something that happens often.

This strange night was giggled away and involved the realisation that ‘girls can in fact drive’ for starters. It involved a mountain, poor quality internet connection but we will blame the disappointing shed rat for that!! There was some random roadside Thai food in a park, which in the end was carried away by giant ants as the mosquitoes ate what was left of us. There was a very messy bedroom, questionable comments regarding the first testament and it’s relevance, an introductions to a lovely little mum in a face mask wondering why I was in need of a payment system for her sons services, wasted orange juice, Japanese lemonade with a side of ‘what the hell is that shed rat doing?’ and finished off with delicious karaage chicken, deep fried Camembert and shitty coconut inspired iced coffees.

Yep all in a less than 24 hour period!

So why the intrigue? I’m guessing it’s his willingness to be so openly vulnerable. What does this mean though in the long run? Well simply it is one of the following three things.

1. It’s all an elaborate trick my brain is playing on me again. Possibly a future perpetrator using my past issues to weasel their way in. This means I am purposely over looking all of the ‘warning signs’ and playing fairytales again.

2. The next possibility is that this was a spontaneous accident. That he is still with his partner and my powers of mesmerising men have got a hold of him. That it was what it was and never to be again.

3. The third reason could be that this is real. That I found someone like me? Although for now my focus is on my son I still haven’t ruled out anything or decided I’m too damaged to try again.

This could end with the fairytale I’ve been stupidly wandering around looking for but questioned whether it was real or not?

It also may not work or even go anywhere! This could be because of previous baggage, different directions or a whole host of things.

It does mean it could have the potential to be one of those experiences that helps mend some of the damage which has been done. Someone who understands me and being like me is probably not going to hurt me further in the most negative ways like a lot of the other have.

This is as far as I got. I stopped writing coz I though to myself, ‘for fuck sake how many of these will you blindly write and pretend you don’t see a pattern before you get it?’.

So today I got a text. The text outlines that the ‘magical time’ we had together was not a real depiction of his life and that he was in fact pretty serious within his life, eats healthy and goes to bed early on week days amongst other things. It wasn’t the usual smoke and mirrors.

This text being the reason I decided to finish this post;

Who would have thought being straight about who you are would be a bad thing? If they give me a ridiculous back story they can never live up to or maintain that cracks won’t eventually appear? I don’t understand how some people think, maybe I won’t notice?

That’s the thing about lies or living a life you’ve made up, PEOPLE NOTICE and it’s really just a waste of everyone’s time!

So in the interest of seeing what happens and not overanalysing everything I’m going to leave it there and let this take its natural course. This time I’m not going to miss the moment because I’ve spent the entire time thinking of every last outcome only to realise I’ve missed the moment.

But to the strange boy with a shed rat for a friend, ‘thank you for the laughs, I have not had that much fun for a while! Thank you for the honest/non glamorised snapshot of your life! Maybe one day we could eat healthy and go to bed early on week nights?’.

I can’t see the future but I can say ‘honestly’ this time that this one I am a little more confident won’t become a ‘hostage style situation’ type of something!

And yes I am just fine with that!

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Tonight’s anthem

itunes.apple.com/au/album/this-again/1327028522

Day 1,188 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To D – Why I’m Not Like All The Other Little Girls

I often wonder what my full potential might have been. How life might have looked had I not being a child of domestic violence. My first memory being about 3 years old. It was very early in the morning and as my father was a truck driver so he left for work early. I can remember poking my head around the corner and him screaming at my mother. I don’t remember what it was about because let’s face it I was 3 but after a lifetime of him being my father I can tell you that it could be about anything. He is not a very nice man who I’ve always been scared of. Anything and everything set him off, it didn’t really matter. It’s simply the case of a man who is so miserable about his life and I’m guessing who he is as a person that the world is punished for that.

I started standing up for myself not long after I had my son. Our relationship was never the same from then on and to be honest probably improved as a result. I think maybe he gained a little bit of respect for me but at the same time we worked together so when my son was about 2 it blew up in a massive way but after a few months started talking again.

I remember the day my son was taken by my mother as retaliation for a domestic violence order. Hows this for a glowing review, she not only stole my son illegally but she waited until the night before I had an operation for cervical cancer to send me paperwork. When I called her she said ‘I just wanted to make sure you had a good day tomorrow’ meaning my surgery that she was refusing to let me see my son before even though I expressed to her that I was so stressed not knowing where my son was I was afraid I wasn’t going to come out of the surgery. She could have cared less and refused to let my ex partner take my son to see me at the hospital. This is I had just taken the order out against. He ignored her and I got to see my boy so I am grateful to him for that but how is it that a violent man who terrorised me for months has more of a heart than my own mother? Mother of the fucking year!

Anyway back to the day my son was taken I went to my fathers place noticeably upset. I was trying to use the computer when I was told to ‘shut the fuck up it’s just a kid’. I turned and rushed towards him screaming at him knowing that’s all I obviously meant to him growing up ‘just a fucking kid’. He threw me across the room, grabbed all of my paperwork and threw it across the room at me. I got straight up and got but a centimetre from his face and said ‘and that’s why I let men hit me’ and then walked out. Since then things never being the same. I torment that man sometimes now when I’ve had a bad day to the point he has moved and no one will tell me where for fear of what I will do. He lives a miserable existence I’m guessing now. I will never in my life have him around to cause any more damage. He has already done enough to last a lifetime.

I have been criticised for my use of drugs in the past. I was in fairly hot water when I was 19 years old in particular. The truth is that the alternative is worse. Drugs I know are not helpful to the overall outcome. Drugs are not why I am here. Not being able to deal with the brokenness inside me drove me there. Drugs just being the temporary ‘Bandaid’ solution to them.

The following has always made me smile though. Now it has been known by my family especially my own mother who seems to think she is the pillar of all things good and pure in this world, that my father was in fact one of the biggest growers of marijuana and suppliers in our home of Redcliffe and was I’m guessing since I was about 10ish. So over 20 years. My argument has always been that had there not been people like me ‘users’ then there would be no use for him and his mass production of illegal substances. It was so big that when he eventually decided to give it up the dumping of all the evidence even reached news worthy status. ‘Illegal dumping of marijuana waste and grow room products on Brisbane’s North In 2011’.

Sorry but if we are going to be honest and point fingers then let’s all get our skeletons out shall we?

What if you received a random message from a mother through your blog one day? What if this contained a letter written by her daughter aged under 12 years old but reading as if you could have written it yourself?

“Hello .

You dont know my name ,but you can call me D.

Im under the age of 12 .

I am a victim of Domestic Violence perpetrated by my dad.

I have been a victim since l was 4.

My greatest fear is that one day my dad might hurt me that badly that l wont ever be the same or maybe he will hurt me so badly that l will die and go to heaven before my time .

My dad barely calls me by my name ,its buddy when he is being nice ,but when he is not most of the time l am a c@%$,slut,dog,bitch,idiot,dumb,whore,hairy f@%.

He tells me he is going to cave my skull in,smash my head in ,spitting on my face and saying with his face so red pushing his head into mine with his fist punching into his hand you know l hate your mum,l want you to know lm going to kill her one day. .

I feel scared ,alone and sad .l am used to my dad hurting me .

I am used to seeing him being nice to everyone else but different to me .

I am used to being afraid but the same time l love him.

I am used to him hurting me because thats all he knows now.

Im used to him pulling my ears so hard they become red and swollen and sometimes bruised and he has pulled them for so long they stick out.

I am used to him ripping my hair and slapping my face .

I am used to him throwing me into a couch or the floor or in a shower or into a wall.

Im used to him pushing me against a wall with his hands around my neck and squeezing my thoat the last 3 times.

Im used to him bending back my fingers or standing on my foot.

Im used to him punching and slapping the back of my head or poking his fingers into my neck.

I am used to him pushing my head into the passenger car window .

I have watched my dogs die because of my dad.

I watched my dad grab my puppy and throw it into my mums face

I am used to him screaming in my face so badly my body and hands shake.

I am used to walking in a busy shopping center with my dad grabbing the back of my neck so hard and pushing me through the center and looking at people wishing one person would say are you okay and no one does.

Im used to pretending lm okay.

Im used to crying myself to sleep some nights just wishing we had a normal life.

Im used to people seeing my dad drive so fast in the car and yelling at me and people looking at lights but no one says anything .

I am used to the world walking by even when lm scared l might die and not doing anything.

Im scared that he will kill my mum one day.

I am used to him blaming me for everything when it isn’t my fault.

I am used to him being so nice to everyone else but not me.

I am used to him being the nicest person you can meet but he isnt like that behind closed doors and in secret.

I am.used to him lying about hurting me.

I used to protecting him by lying only to watch my dad get worse.

I am used to him going to so many groups but never changing .

I am used to my mum trying to protect me but not knowing how anymore.

This is my life .

I cant run and l cant hide.

There is no one that cares.

There is no one to help us and no one to hear our cries.

My mum has bad anxiety and protects me as much as she can but we are alone .

My mum is always sad .

I am always sad and anxious.

My dog is my best friend .

The people that are suppose to help, just dont and the police try hard but it makes my dad angrier.

I have one dream and that is to have a normal life,l am.not even 12 and worry all the time there is no peace in my mind.

I want my dad to get better but l know he never will.

I want to never be afraid of anything again.

I want us to have friends and place where l can feel safe .

I want my dad to be normal.

I want to live my life ,l want my mum to grow old with me.

I want to sleep through the night.

I want the bad dreams to stop.

I dont want to be scared of noises in the night and always be frightened .

I dont want to die .

I hope that some will look at my life and help me and my mum.

I hope someone will stop and listen before l might be gone .

I hope kids like me can one day stop being so afraid but its hard when you have no one.

Who will stop and listen to me .

Who will stop and listen to my mum.

My mum was just like me until she left my dad and now l am like my mum because everyone says my dad loves me but l dont think my dad does because we never hurt those we love.

I want to tell all the other kids out there to just hang on and dont give up no matter how hard it is because we are strong but it doesnt mean we have to be silent any longer.

I hope someone out there can hear me and will help me and my mum and just in case l cant get any help ,if anyone hurts you its not ever okay ,just run as fast as you can ,never just walk away thinking everything will change and be be okay the next day.

D.”

My reply;

Dearest D

Hi sweetheart! Now although your letter is devastatingly sad I can see that you are probably a future writer like me. When I was in high school my English teacher told me I would be a writer. I didn’t think too much if it at the time but here I am.

I’m guessing the letter wasn’t written especially for me but it did reach me. Reading it touched me in a way you could not imagine in your less than 12 years of life. I could swear that I wrote that when I was a kid.

My life has also been touched by domestic violence. I suffered through it as a child and sadly as it was familiar it also became the relationships I found for myself as a grown up. It breaks my heart because I read your letter and wonder what I could have been like had I not had this barrier in place. One I didn’t see until a few years ago. How do I help? Well I’m not sure as only time will tell. I can though share with you my experiences and all that I have learnt so that maybe when you are my age you have spent more time living your own life and not one chosen by others.

I would love to have you write a book for schools using your story as the example. Maybe together helping others is the way we mend our broken selves and prevent others from experience similar things to us?

My favourite saying is “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Dr Seuss.”

All I need you to know for now is that this is not your fault and you are not the reason your father is this way. Nothing you could have ever done could make him act this way. He doesn’t do it because when he was a little boy he decided this is where he wanted to end up. He too may have suffered similar things during his childhood? The only thing you can do right now is make sure that you realise that this is not because of you and that you have the power to stop it from continuing. Meaning that when you have your children that you not continue the behaviour your dad is displaying towards you.

Your mum loves you and is doing her best. Sadly the system and a whole bunch of other things work against us. Unfortunately you will find in life that some things are just not fair and no one really listens.

Your mum has reached out to me and maybe together, using stories like yours we can show that domestic violence is alive and well. As long as people who can make a difference put their head in the sand it will continue.

Your letter and your story will be hard for them to ignore and I’m so very sorry honey and maybe we can make the difference.

I will never forget your letter and never forget you I promise.

Please hang in there and let’s stay in touch, maybe you can write some more to me if you want? I know I’d love to hear how things are going.

Lots of love

Carly

XoXo

Day 1,187 Of Domestic Violence – Lie To Me

I often wonder what it is about the masses and their need to lie to each other. To make up stories and better yet lie to themselves. Is it really that hard to own up to your shit? I know I’m not perfect but I do try to be as honest with the rest of the world and most importantly myself.

Life seems to me more than not filled with one liner crap that is both not helpful and to me patronising. ‘Be the bigger person’, ‘enjoy the little things’, ‘follow your dreams’, ‘two birds in a bush’ and the list honestly goes on. How about ‘bored of being bored because being bored is boring’. There you go now life all fixed. No? Why not? I thought saying generic crap just fixed everything? Like ‘why didn’t you just leave your abusive partner’. Wow thanks that’s where I went wrong ‘I baked him a cake instead hoping he’d stop physically, verbally, emotionally abusing me and destroying anything and everything he could in an attempt to exhaust me and drive me to the brink of mental breakdown so that I would stay in the relationships and endure more torture because he get off on that shit’. Sometimes life isn’t black and white. Sometimes people have a shitty day and have the right to feel like they have been treated unfairly. Sometimes they are just venting and not looking for a hero so can we all listen a bit more and suggest shitty obvious answers a bit less? Is this why we give up on relationships so easily? The honeymoon period is over and things get tough? It’s a fact of life and I think we throw people away too easily.

I want to find another human who is simply just a nice person, confident in themselves (in a healthy way), independent and will stand beside me and support me when I need it and for me to do the same. The biggest things in this life that make me furious and are an absolute dealbreaker are liars, cheats and people who will step on others to get what they want. I never thought it would be this difficult.

Now I am human which means I am not perfect. ‘I have never been exactly this old before so give me a break because I’m doing it all for the first time’. I mess up and I can’t expect to be justified in feeling wronged if I can’t first admit that I have, whether on purpose or not wrongs someone before. Otherwise we are all right but we are all wrong and let’s face it it’s not working currently is it?

Sometimes I snap and overreact to situations. Sometimes I just take things out on the wrong people because the right ones are not around to feel my frustration. I’m sure that everyday I make a mistake and I hope that I at least own up to it, especially if it effected someone around me I cared about.

Since when did it suddenly become ok to do just about anything we want, right or wrong as long as you lie about it and that lie sticks? It’s ridiculous really, I’ve heard some top shelf ones including, ‘have you ever heard of Bowen Hills Liam?’. I had to ask this ‘dickhead’, ‘did you actually just say a suburb followed by your name?’. The answer is yes. Wow! He also told me his mother was a prostitute who lived in Central Australia and dying of cancer. He told me how he grew up in the streets, doing it tough amongst other things. Turns out 2 years ago ‘Bowen Hills Liam’ was happy and healthy, play fighting with his siblings in a delightful photo on his happy and healthy mothers Facebook page. He had no tattoos, his mother did not look like a prostitute and she wasn’t in Central Australia dying at all. What do I say to that? Seriously if I told a story like that and people found out I’d move countries. I would be mortified beyond belief but here he was casually strolling around pretending everyone didn’t notice. I’m sorry but what the fuck? His mother was in his friends list so he didn’t hide her too well. I still tell that story because I can’t even believe it happened it’s so stupid!

This is what I mean. Why the hell do people make up these crazy stories and think no one noticed it wasn’t true?

Why are we all lying to ourselves so much though? Do these people actually believe their own stories in the end? Is this where it’s going wrong. Kinda ‘fake it till you make it’ but on steroids. Don’t you want to live an honest life or at least live one we want to share because we are proud of who and what we have become? If not, doesn’t that just make us our own puppets in our own pretend Hollywood blockbusters lives we’ve made up because it sounds better than our actual life, you know the one we’ve actually lived.

So when it comes to teaching children about domestic violence I’ve been hit with comments like ‘oh no, year one is way too young to be talking to them about that’. This concept completely perplexes me as I am not sure if people realise that some kids in year one actually live in a domestically violent environment and have never known any different. Does that mean a lot of people don’t believe the existence of domestic violence or is it that not until we are 18 that we can become potentially susceptible to it?

Ok let’s stick our heads in the sand then shall we. It’s not working the way it is now why the hell should we try something new?

How about if trying this way doesn’t work we can go back to the way it isn’t currently working and we will be no worse off?

Why can’t we help educate children as early as year one as to what a domestic violence situation looks like? Don’t you think that getting to them as early as possible and educating them about how what they are experiencing at home is not a healthy way to live? Who knows maybe they will speak up and intervention and/or help for mum or dad might begin sooner and save a hell of a lot of trauma and future broken adults abusing substance, self medicating and generally having poor self worth due to an entire childhood of trauma and abuse?

Food for thought I guess.

I am not ashamed of what I’ve been through but it certainly won’t define me.

So to all those liars out there. It is not glazed over when you are caught out. You look stupid! It does not excuse shitty behaviour and it certainly doesn’t make it ok.

Love your life and be proud of the decisions you make and the person you are.

Anything less is a waste of everyone’s time.

Day 2,186 Of Domestic Violence – Friday 18th January 2019

Friday 18th January 2019. I want to remember this date. Why? Because today was a really good day! Today was the first time I consciously acknowledge that my life had turned a corner. Whether it has been happening for a while now and I’m only realising it now or maybe it was a phone call with someone from my past that did it, I’m not sure?

Although I don’t have my son back yet I do have some supportive and loving people in my life which I have been lacking for quite sometime. There’s my gorgeous little roomie whom I spent the morning pottering around the house with and chatting about anything and everything. Two amazing friends at the Gold Coast who always make sure I’m fed and have somewhere to stay, not to mention helping me with my books. I went on a ‘kinda date’ last night with someone who is hilariously funny. It’s hard to tell who’s addicted to ‘making it awkwardly uncomfortable’ more, him or I? But he did take me to see the most amazing $17 rainbow and blushed a lot and called me weird ha ha, it was very nice! Someone told me I need to get used to people being nice to me! I’m pretty sure he is a nice one so that’s a weird feeling for me to experience. Nevertheless this weird chick had fun!

I also have other some other people who have been amazing. I will name them because they are the ones that keep me going & have helped out when I desperately needed them, Clint, Mandy, my amazing godfather Petro, Tracy, Phil, Bull, Brendan, Boz, William, John, Karen, Jarrod, Queenie, Alex and a few others.

Finally and this being the one that made me realise the shift in my life. It was a phone call from someone I’ve known almost my entire life. Someone who was probably supposed to be my best friend and not an enemy. Listening to this person talk I realised we are nearly exactly the same. Almost like we were meant to be twins. This person was also set up and sabotaged by their darling mother their entire life too. Knowing that I’m not alone is an amazing feeling. Also proud that despite our terrible mothers who have set us up and the horrors we have endured, fuck we are strong and a lot of people wouldn’t have made it this far so we should be proud!

Although this process hasn’t always been glamorous it has at least been real. In my upcoming family court trial I can at least rest easy knowing I have no skeletons in my closet. I am supposed to take down a video I made which have photos of my son in it but no I won’t. The video is all real and a depiction of some of the ‘not so nice’ moments over the past few years. If anyone can prove that any of it is untrue or made up by me then I will take it down. Until then no I won’t be swept under the rug because it doesn’t look good or makes you uncomfortable. I lived it, how about you try it sometime and then tell me if you’re angry. ‘I am what I am’ and that is a good person, amazing mother and worth so much more that you think I deserve.

Who are you?

Well I’m referring to you mother! I know you will be reading this. You read them all don’t you? Well I promise you the world will see you for what you are. That is a nasty, manipulative, neglectful control freak who has spent her children’s entire lifetimes setting them up to fail and then publicly humiliating them so you can play the victim of your children. You don’t try at all where were you while I raised myself and younger sister? That’s right making sure the world thinks you’re an angle!! I often wonder who I could have become or what I could have achieved had I not had to endure a miserable existence with you as a mother and that vile emotionless and abusive man I’m supposed to call my father. What makes you think you could raise my son any better? I will tell you that you got one thing right and that was marrying a man who you never loved let’s face it. He was a cash cow for your but the best father I could have asked for.

You do realise he is my son? You don’t even talk to him about me as his mother, just about me as a child. HE IS MY SON and not yours. I will never forgive you for this. I was a good mother and you know it! I learnt from your mistakes already and you will see that in the end you are alone while I am closer than you and I have ever been to my son.

You will be seeing me soon.

Day 2,184 Of Domestic Violence – Somebody Special

It’s hard to explain to someone who obviously cares about us how after a while this fight just seems pointless. I know they care and I know they mean the best but if you had to live even a fraction of the horrors I’ve lived in this lifetime I wonder where your head would be at? I know there are stories out these bound to be worse than mine. Thinking of that fact makes my heart almost stop.

Even if we disregard the existence of any god, surely no one deserves to endure an existence like this one? An existence filled with conversational narcissists, emotional mooching vampires, drama magnets, jealous gossiping liars or human bulldozers destroying anything and everything in their path. These empty vessels wasting anyone and everyone’s valuable space and time all seem to work together in some juxtaposition like paradox, yet it is contrary to what they will have you believe is really going on.

Today was not my favourite day. Today I left a family court report assessment in tears. I finally said out loud to someone who’s opinion counts,

‘I wholeheartedly regret speaking up enough for the police to take out a domestic violence order 2 years ago. If I could I would have stayed with him and done whatever he wanted because had it not been the fluke intervention of a select few over these past two years, I would have successfully ended my life by now’.

That statement makes me sick. What is even worse is the fact that I am not a minority and there are so many others, some whom have reached out to me through this blog who feel the same.

The overwhelming theme which frustrates the hell out of me surrounds substance, how much, when, where? Why are we looking at a symptom and completely ignoring where it stems from.

‘Treat the issue not the symptoms!’

Why have I used substance? The simple answer to that is,

‘When you don’t like your reality you alter it with drugs, alcohol or some other form of distraction. When you love your reality you don’t want to alter it so your vice is no longer needed’.

The saddest part about my statement is at some moments over the past two years no amount of drugs, alcohol or anything else were making my reality bearable. Despite wanting nothing more than to have my son home with me and for my life to be something other than this I can honestly confess I wanted it to end. Had it not been for a few friends of mine intervening at the right time I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here.

Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss. So many people I believe get it wrong. For most the initial response is to tell someone it’s selfish and ‘call me if you think that way and I will stop you’. I’m sorry but for me personally that is not what I want to hear nor is it even close to the response I am looking for. To also suggest that someone who threatens suicide, more than likely won’t do it is also ludicrous. Please bare in mind this is my personal opinion but I think that maybe when they say ‘not everyone who does it leaves a note’ this is because the ones who do leave a note are at peace with their decision. Anyone who doesn’t I believe is reaching out for someone to notice. That for them if their ‘reality’ doesn’t improve then this is where they are headed. I believe the ones we find who haven’t left a note, then possibly what began as a serious cry for help and tragically went wrong. Resulting in them loosing consciousness or what ever the circumstance was but no one was around to get to them in time.

For me, a little over 12 months ago I wrote a note. I found myself in the darkest place imaginable and wanted to be set free. Had it not been for the intuition of a beautiful, funny and ever so smart 12 year old girl who picked up on my unusual behaviour I wouldn’t be here. If she had not made her mother come home instead of going straight to work I would have succeeded.

‘I have never wanted to actually die, of course I want to be here for my son. The issue is my reality is going to stay this way and not change then I don’t wish to continue.’

It seems it is a domino effect and by my being here so is someone else. Last week I preformed CPR on a man who suffered a overdose. He was a friend of a friend and I didn’t know him that well but nevertheless when he turned blue I felt compelled to do what I could. The scary thought is that had it not been for me he probably would have died. It bothers me that some people are more worried about their own arse than a persons life. Despite not being up to date on my first aid for many years now I did what I could to help him. I wonder if any of the four other people there were going to call an ambulance? Please people remember they are paramedics and want to help save lives, had they wanted to throw people in jail they would have become cops. It actually takes a few years at uni to become a paramedic and they are closer to being doctors than cops!

He spent the next few days in hospital but upon his release we spent the day together. Now me getting to the Gold Coast was about the only task for that day so he came along. Despite everything going wrong and the two of us suffering from the same affliction, being too polite to make a firm decision, him more so than me, we made it in the end. I had a really lovely day with him. We talked like old friends, had an adventure, had some dinner and then I went home. I even now feel the urge to text him to see how he is going. He was quiet and softly spoken but if you take the time to listen you will notice that he is simply lovely. He has a big heart and cares about everyone who comes into his life. A bit like me he is disheartened at times but still has hope that things will get better and maybe people will do better.

Where to from here? I hope it’s a better reality soon as I want to enjoy a future with my son. To my new friend, I’m glad we met and if you promise to keep going so will I.

Day 2,181 Of Domestic Violence – I Hate Everything About You

Honesty. Just a word it seems.

Why is it that being possibly the most understanding person after the fact, I am also lied to so often and so blatantly. Do I have fuckwit plastered on my forehead?

To you all I have to say is, just as quickly as we fell in love, I fell out of that love with you. I’m the asshole? You paraded me in front of them and laughed at me like I was nothing. I at least waiting till we were over and didn’t rub your face in it. No nastiness on my end, I was honest about my wrongdoings. Instead of honesty I get the following….

You could have done better than me? You lowered your standards to be with me because you thought I was a nice person? You wish you cheated on me now?

Do you know what I have to say? Thank you, good bye and best of luck. You see I don’t need you to be whole. You will see me again one day and on that day you will, if you haven’t already started to regret everything you ever did and from the depths of your soul hate yourself for letting me go.

It’s a shame really because everything you said you wanted I would have done. You are a monster it seems but what makes me even more curious is the fact that it’s not the first time I’ve found such a creature like you. How is it that someone can find the most narcissistic of invertebrate to have walked this earth. Then let them close so they can damage me at my core. How is it you could cause me to even go as far as questioning my gut and whether I’m just so broken these days and can’t tell black from white, up from down?

Although I thought this would be what finally broke me has completely surprised me. I’m actually stronger than ever before.

In the end I will make it. I may be 33 and damaged as hell but it seems what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

To you. Good bye. I won’t forget the times we had and I hope you get it together one day if not for yourself then for your son who deserves something better.

Lots of love

Carly

Day 2,169 Of Domestic Violence – In The End Are They Worth The Ups And Downs

I have written about this a few times already. About how this lovely friend of mine told me that turning 33 would be a life changing for me. She told me that decisions would have to be made and that this would be the year my life would change.

This week I realised what that decision was for me. If it all works out then it will be amazing, maybe my version of a happily ever after? It involves me being the bigger person and showing that loyalty is not just a word. Things are not forgiven or forgotten. I’ve always said it’s not what you do it’s what you do about it in the end. A real relationship that lasts is one where you will need to find a lot of forgiveness. Accepting the fact that neither you or your partner are perfect, that at times whether they intentionally meant it, they will let you down and disappoint you. You just have to work out whether they are worth the ups and downs.

My decision involves me taking charge and getting the things we want in the end and keeping them safe until we are all together again. So is making the sacrifices and proving I am what I say the key? Does that mean it will work out?

Only time will tell.

I know I have it in me but does he? How many times do I need to be the one who is putting myself out there first only to be let down? It’s a 50/50 really but my history tells me it’s doomed. Having that in the back of my mind probably doesn’t help and I wonder if it will be the thing that ultimately causes it to fail when it possibly had a chance?

Who knows but I know I’m tired and over the bullshit. I mean what I say and I can’t work out why I seem to be the only one. Am I making the right choice? I don’t know? I’m making the choice which best fits with how I want my future to look like and that’s about the gist of it!

All I have to say is don’t take me for granted because I am not afraid to walk away.

Day 2,155 Of Domestic Violence – Watching The Sun Go Down

It’s the question or at least a possible answer to a long standing mystery in my life.

Why is it so easy to fall in love with me but I’m always passed over in the end? Why do I never get a happy ending?

Look I have my issues which can consume me from time to time. One of my biggest flaws is my inability to deal with it in a healthy way sometimes or make people aware it’s creeping up and about to explode.

Someone recently told me it was because of a suicidal moment, amongst other things. The truth is since she took my son I’ve been teetering on the edge and some days I tip over that edge. Coupled with the humiliation they seem to thrive on and the power they are so obviously drunk on I truly feel like I’ve lost half of my soul in losing my son. A huge part of what I do and the thousands of unfinished tasks I seem to be doing all at once in a scattered mess, this is me distracting myself from the reality. A reality that if I stay in for too long can become too much. Suddenly I just want to stop the pain. I want so much to be here for my son in the end but it hurts. The biggest reason is seeing the effects and obvious signs that my son is being punished simply for loving me by those who are surrounding him right now.

A lot of this is still a mystery to me for the most part. I’m still learning about myself and how my ‘devil’ works. My devil being my unconscious self. They say ‘the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people he doesn’t exist’. Well I’m convinced ‘the devil’ is our unconscious self. That is the quiet voice in the back of our minds telling us all those things we want so desperately not to be true. The one from our childhood saying we are not worth someone loving us, that we are unattractive etc. The message is different for us all. Maybe it has the voice of our father or someone who has damaged us in someway. It’s the one who sets us up to fail time and time again even though the load voice we think is in charge tells us we’ve worked the issue out and not going to let the negative message rule us anymore. Sadly the voice we think is in charge has no power and is nothing but a passenger or puppet in the devils show which is our own lives. This might be the reason I find myself in domestically violent relationships time and time again. The truth is it’s all me and I’m seeking them out meticulously. It’s no strange dark cloud or bad luck, simply it’s me.

One other reason I think it never works for me is the fact I’m independent. Not in all instances but for a lot of men the fact that I can look after myself is a tough pill to swallow. I have found myself in many instances scratching my head saying ‘but she is pathetic, she just called saying she’s hungry’. My initial thought is ‘if you & your children need to eat then steal the food’. Not that it’s the best advice as technically it’s a crime but if it came to my son starving or needing medical attention there’s not really any obstacles that I wouldn’t overcome. They often say ‘I’m no good at stealing anything, I’d get caught’ but if your child is hungry how do you not make it so that you don’t get caught.

Now who is ‘she’?

She is the woman they choose over me. You see in 99% of cases I find myself cheated on which has not done wonders for my head. It’s made me paranoid at times to begin with. Now I know I am ‘one in a million’ and I know I’m a hell of a lot better when it comes to most girlfriends. I’m not perfect though I know this but I’m funny, I’m spontaneous, I’m laid-back and fun but at my core I am honest, sweet, loving and worth so much of someone’s time. Now I know this and I expect to be treated with respect. The issue is that when it happens time and time again it causes me to start thinking ‘Why do I bother believing this about myself because it’s never proven to be true’. Sometimes I ask myself ‘How is it you still have hope? Do you enjoy the pain or something? How have you not lost all hope by now’. This voice I hope more than anything doesn’t take over and start being my new inner dialogue. This used to be the negative voice I listened to a lot. It was hard for me to decide I’d stop hating on the myself and with that came more understanding of people, the ability to instead of negativity effecting other woman I came into contact with and adopting the practice of trying to say one positive and true comment to another female a day as we often can do more damage than any man could ever do to each other.

In the end I wouldn’t change a thing and find myself grateful for all of my trauma. I now see a positive side to this horrible separation from my son as it has opened my eyes so much. It showed me just how much I was never really in control of my life before. It gave me a totally different direction for my life and the work I want to do. I have changes my style, the way my house looks, my hair and probably a lot I haven’t realised yet.

To the guy who gave me a little bit more insight into myself last night, thank you for your honest and brutal opinion. You have been the subject of previous blogs and I believe it was called ‘stupid boys’. It starts out by saying ‘What if you suddenly met one that didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear or at least what they thought you wanted to hear? One that for no reason just helped you out. It didn’t come with a ‘now you’ve got an (insert name) in your life’ trying to have you believe that meant suddenly you could breathe easy but in reality the moment you ask for a hand, they’ve dropped off the face of the earth. One that treated you with respect and was kind.’

It’s funny how those things go? I find myself almost saying the same thing about you again.

Also thank you for your sincere apology for the mistakes you made. Neither of us were perfect to say the least but unfortunately we were not strong in ourselves. I don’t believe either of us meant it to become so nasty. I did have a wonderful time with you and maybe if it was another space and time it may have worked out. You mentioned that photo? Well I have occasionally looked at it with a smile. I appreciate that you picked up on my love of beautiful serene places. It was a beautiful peaceful afternoon as the sun went down and one of those memories I will keep with me forever.

Now that you are back, I hope you get this burst of playful energy out of your system in one piece. While happiness never meant we had to be together this is all I have ever wanted for you. I want to see you in a better position so that you can have those things you treasure close to you again. Remember you can’t change the past but you can prevent the future from getting any worse. You are not a terrible person so don’t apologise to them like that, ‘we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain’ and if you can be honest with them they can learn so much from your struggle and pain which will equip them to enter the world one day a little more worldly than they previously were.

Can’t wait to catch up for that hug you and I both know won’t be so horrible in the end.

Day 2,151 Of Domestic Violence – Weeds Are Flowers Too, Once You Get To Know Them.

Recently I’ve been asking people the question, ‘what do you think needs to change or what’s it going to take for men and women to get along finally. How do we stop damaging each other so much and just get along?’. My ‘funny answer’ to that question is ‘sterilisation and brain damage’. At this point not even I have a good answer to that question and let’s face it I always have something to say, i’ve been told I could talk underwater.

This is something a friend so lovingly pointed out to me today. Thank you for breaking it to me so thoughtfully and for the magical trip to Byron Bay today, it won’t be one I forgot anytime soon.

There was some sarcasm in that comment but mostly sadness because looking into his eyes gave me a sense of what it might be like looking into mine sometimes.

When I first met this heartbreaker I thought ‘here we go, I wonder if I’m going to suffocate in this room considering he’s stealing all the oxygen’. Not many people fool me but he did for a short while but then the cracks started to show and I began to see that maybe under what looked like an egotistical monster on steroids and never wearing a god dam shirt was actually a really lovely guy.

Ok so today we went on a road trip/accidental date I think you could call it? I’m still confused how it happened albeit there are never really any accidents like that in this life are there? An accidental date isn’t really ‘a thing’ is it?

Now I’m home. I’m sitting with my lovely male friend who is saving me from myself at the moment and for good reason. I’m finding that all I can do is laugh about the entire experience.

Why?

Well I think that was possibly one of the most amazing dates I’ve been on?

Amazingly good or amazingly bad?

Well both!

Granted while it was a horrifying experience and at times he came across awful I also spent time with a truly lovely, sweet, sensitive and funny soul. Is this a case of what starts out seething in the gutter must go up and finally end in a spectacular shit show? Maybe he’s just much nicer when he has socks? So he will get that reference. I could say that is if he reads down this far but I know he will and that’s the funny part.

There is nothing like calling a man old, pointing out his outdated phone or played him a song with the lyrics, ‘I save your number in my phone and then erase it’ saying, ‘it’s about you’ to really charm the pants off him. That was the only line I felt comfortable sharing as it’s pretty bad.

Funny but bad.

Now this ‘magically horrifying experience’ ended with us yelling at each other for a while and me getting out of the car and walking the rest of the way home. Look he was at least nice enough to drive me closer to where I was staying as it was going to be a big walk from where I originally offered to get out of the car. Maybe half a point for that one?

Why was it possibly one of the best?

Well somewhere in the middle of this train wreck of a day a totally different person appeared. Something told me this might even be the real him coming out? I even began to see he struggled to be horrible and didn’t really even want to be a dick at all?

Turns out he is actually a pretty funny guy but most of all not an idiot like the rest of them. Despite what you think it was actually refreshing and yes you called it, I am bored but not of life. I’m bored of finding experiences which are a waste of time and full of people not worth my time.

Please keep in mind I have a fairly dry and playful sense of humour and I can be a pain in the ass to say the least. While at my core there is a lot of love and genuine care and kindness for everyone it has been damaged overtime as has yours. It’s a yin and yang effect and where you find something, I can only describe as pure, a darkness also exists to balance it out. It’s been the only way Of preventing me from becoming one of them. Someone who consciously stabs you in the back only to look you in the face with no remorse.

I often wonder if we are the aberrations or they are? I guess that depends on whether good existed before evil? All I know is I am different and for that subjected to unfair treatment at times. Not in all cases as I’m no saint. Someone suggested it’s because I repair easier than most? So accepting blame for some people is difficult and it takes more away from their ‘sense of self’ whereas someone like me who can more than most see things for how they really are. I do not need as many of the lies we often tell ourselves to justify my actions. I am human and I often fuck up but I don’t do anything towards anyone else without first putting myself in their shoes.

How’s it working for me? Only time will tell I guess. I’m still here to say the least.

It’s not often I am a serious person because for me it is not comfortable at all. and I think life is about spontaneous things but mostly laughter. I’m sorry if you got offended, it was said in playful fun and I actually found myself not wanting to be anywhere else for a brief moment. I said ‘I’m sorry people have done this to you’ why? Simply because that guys doesn’t seem to come out very often and despite what you think of my opinion and it’s worth, I at least think that’s a shame because he is lovely.

Life is hard and it’s not always going to be full of loving stares or bullshit soulmate moments. My grandfather was like my best friend and he gave me some advice a long time ago which has stuck with me. He told me to find myself and then find someone who wasn’t going to save me but walk with me, why? Because if there ever comes a time where they needed me to be the strong one I needed to be able to step up and vice versa. Life is not fair and it’s not going to end like fairytales, there is no prince and it’s about finding someone you can say something like ‘I wanna grow old and miserable with you’ and mean that even years down the track with a smile.

Yes I’m odd at time but the best way I can describe myself is by saying, all my weirdness is on the outside and I don’t ever have any skeletons that come out. There are a lot of reasons for that beginning when I was a child but mostly I’m trying to work out what’s happening in my own life. In life people can take you on a detour with their bullshit and lies. I know who I am and where I am going. Better yet I know what I want. I have wasted enough of my life so to be blunt, if you aren’t a decent person with a similar goal I really couldn’t be bothered wasting any more of my time.

Now back to my story,

So suddenly playful banter came back to me but this time in the nicest way. His remarks were quick and witty. He suddenly went from being a person who repelled me and I found I was looking at someone just like me. This person knew he had made mistakes overtime and maybe the negative consequences he had felt in this life were justified at times. Mostly he looked exhausted and really just over trying to make the situation better or be better himself as it seemed to bite him in the end anyway.

I remember him holding me tightly which made me feel safe. This isn’t something that comes along very often in my life unfortunately. I got a sense that just like me he just wanted to feel safe and for a brief moment just breathe. As he stood behind me with his arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders, I felt his head drop down onto my neck. I felt a massive weight lift off him and he quietly sighed. Momentarily it all seemed to melt away as he sat so very still. Everything inside me wanted to just put his head in my hands and say ‘me too’.

Despite it going downhill on the way home and even taking into account all the other less than desirable experiences I’d had concerning him that is the moment that haunts me. I know what living with that much pain is like. I don’t know how to fix it but I’m sorry. If I work it out I will let you know but thanks for hanging out with me today even if it was only for a short moment. His smile made me totally forget about the haircut and if you promise to hang in there I will too. Surely it can’t last forever can it?

I have to finish this with something for me. Although I have understanding and I can see through a lot of it, I did not deserve to be treated that way. I am not asking for anything other than the respect I gave you. You are not so pretty that you get a pass for poor behaviour. I wish nothing but the best of you and do not want to punish you despite today. Please see that we are not all the same and if that part of you wants to hang out again let me know but I am not on this earth to play a part in your puppet show. Unfortunately I star in my own shit show and just like I’m sure yours is almost unbelievable mine is a bit the same. Let’s say if you ever want to meet somewhere in the middle maybe you’d get a better response?

One thing I will say is just as you were not able to leave a token behind in Byron Bay, it seems either was I. Honest truth is that would be a first for me so well played! Frustrating as hell but you got me so I will pay that!

I knew you’d turn out to be smarter than your average bear!

For me. Well a really special lady told me the first time I met her a few years ago that I wasn’t going to be happy until I turned 33.

Well tomorrow is that day.

Let’s hope she was right!!

Day 2,148 Of Domestic Violence – Screw You Disney

At what point do we just give up on ourselves? At what point is trying to tell yourself you are worth something just fucking pointless?

Maybe it’s a male/female thing? Maybe all men are just assholes and all woman are just evil bitches? But I’m not so is it a case of me being the only one? Surly not! I know I’m a bit of a head case granted and I have my hang ups, this head of mine has been around the block a few times to say the least but at my core I know I’m a good person who has a lot to offer.

Is today just another reminder of the damage my fathers influence has done to me as a whole. I need to find the strength to be on my own but I’ve met two people I don’t want to leave behind. For what they have been through they are beautiful and that kind of thing gets squashed and beaten out of a person so easily. They are just babies but I can barely stand on my own two feet so how do I find the strength to help them? It’s not just them though there is someone else but his issues combined with mine are not meshing to say the least. I’ve seen inside and past that exterior and it’s not a pretty sight. I am not emotionally equipped to deal with it and be understanding all the time. To be frank I’m a little tired of being understanding of every assholes hang ups especially when I ask for very little.

For now it is what it is but I often wonder how many times relationships had potential but ended in flames due to everyone’s bullshit and I wonder if that’s the case for everyone who walks alone or just me?

Is happiness just a bullshit idea Disney gave us to never live up to so we’d forever be miserable and never realise our full potential?

Day 2,146 Of Domestic Violence – All In The Family

This year I wrote about losing my family. I wrote about them turning their backs after the domestically violent relationship I was in and subsequent usage came to light. I believe I said that although it was tough that I’d decided in the end I could not have them back in my life. I came to the realisation that instead I would make my family along the way!

A little while ago that little readymade family appeared to me. They seem to be almost treading water, travelling around and slightly lost but something appeared to be missing from this trio. What is it they’re missing? Do they even know? Somewhere to call home? Well that’s what I’ve been missing in my life. Maybe it’s a ‘Wendy’ for these two lost boys and their princess?

So who are they? Crazy as hell is a good start and made up of three very interesting characters that seem to fit my brand of ‘weird’ quite nicely.

There is Uncle-Brother, not your typical teenaged boy would probably be the best way to describe him. He is highly intelligent with a dry twisted sense of humour. This kid reminds me a lot of myself and I suspect also has a small innocent little person inside who is sensitive and suffers from immense loneliness and just reaches out to belong to something. This one I feel most obligated to protect just in case he is not as strong as I am.

Finally there is Daughter. She is the same age as my son and one day when put in the same room together she is definitely going to be in charge. Compared to most eight year old girls she is beautifully behaved yet stubborn as hell! I think the name my grandfather gave me when I was about her age, ‘The Impossible Princess’ is appropriate here for this future menace upon society. I suspect in the future she will be someone who is remembered by anyone she crosses paths with. She will be both captivating and someone that I can only liken to a muse, the girl who influences famous songs that last the test of time. Keeping her grounded and her father from dropping dead from all the future playful chaos I know she is destined to cause will be a challenge. Wanting your kids to grow up into individuals is all you really want for them really. This one will both do some damage but have the most fun at the same time. This part also sounds slightly like myself and it’s the most fun to see what the next generation impossible princess has install for this world.

This misshapen band of hero’s and I are lovingly under the wing of two ‘scary godfathers’ for the moment. Lovingly helping us until we are strong enough to do this alone but always part of our new family. Hell hath no fury like two gay guys and a newly decorated Christmas tree.

For now their identity will remain a secret, due to the stalking issues I have with some of my family members. (Hello previous family member when you read this!! Yes you!! Question? Do you ever stop and wonder if just treating me like you did before and maybe not turning your back while viciously attacking me and needing to stalking me might have been a better option and use of your time? I’d think it would have been a hell of a lot easier than this approach because if you’d only ask I would probably just tell you!)

I have no secrets but I can’t wait to watch yours come out in good time. You may have won the battle but I will win overall.

Until then happy reading. I will be happy in the end and I will get my son back with me. Sadly he will probably be a distant memory for you all because lies, deceit and covering up disgusting perverted behaviour can’t last forever.

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how I tried so hard
It’s part of the way you were mockin’ me
Actin’ like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me.


I’m surprised it got so far
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.


Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually
Be a memory of a time when I tried so hard.

Day 2,145 Of Domestic Violence – Same Same But Different Now

This one is short and sweet. I started it yesterday and today I’ve decided not to add too much more to it. The question is important so I’m gonna mull over it instead of turning this into a novel.

As life tailspin’s again I feel as if these blog posts pour out of me. When things feel ‘safe’ or at least more together I notice the need to vent lessen. So am I learning more during these testing time? I think the answer to that question is yes. The bigger question is in the end is the payoff worth yet another lesson as I’m honestly exhausted and struggling to put one foot in front of the other these days.

Blogging or at least using writing as my therapy isn’t something I began doing out of the blue this year. When I was 18 I kept a diary called ‘What The Seasons Change’. Recently reading through those old entries which are now over a decade old I can see where I have matured, I swear a lot less but a lot of the questions remain the same and the theme to them still a major part of my life now so where am I going wrong?

What am I not fixing and how do I fix it?

Could this be the key to my happiness?

Day 2,144 Of Domestic Violence – Something To Remind You

Sadly I’m pretty adversed to heartbreak and the human condition letting me down. I have little experience though when it comes to people being who they say they are and coming through for me when I need it. Why? Simply because they care.

I realise that I have to get used to people treating me with kindness and respect. But can you blame me for resisting anything human in my life at this point? It’s so much easier to say than to put into practice which is a weird concept to get your head around especially when that is all I have ever wanted. What is that? A safe space to be me around people who don’t want to just gain from me or use me for a brief moment.

A little while ago a friend said to me ‘I think we might have found a life long friendship here’. I think he was right because as I find myself down in the dumps and in need of somewhere to stay again he gives me a big hug in the drive way and says ‘you know you always have a place to stay here for as long as you need’. Wow!

Wouldn’t that be nice had that been the fairytale beginning of the end? The chapter right before that song plays and I’m happy, my son is returned and ever after is in full swing. No f#*%ing way dude this is my life we’re talking about. Just as I feel like it might be a good time for me to breathe, life and the human condition come flying back at me with a vicious snake-like attack. Once again someone else shows me how much they really don’t care.

As an added bonus the daylight hours seem to be now bombarded with phone calls from my recent failure telling me he loves me and will I stick by him. It brings more meaning to my favourite phase ‘I would rather smash my face into the concrete repeatedly than continue this conversation’.

Wow is about the only word that comes to mind at this point. I’m unsure at this point if that means, ‘wow people are messed up’ or ‘wow you seriously still have faith in humans?’. Am I the crazy one or is it them? You know what they say about common denominators and ‘hello’ that would be me in this case.

I so want to find myself in a place where I am writing something even slightly positive! There’s nothing like a permanent resting bitch face to go with these very attractive emotional & physical scars! What a catch I’ve become.

Thank you world and screw you!

Day 2,143 Of Domestic Violence – To The Woman Supposed To Raise Me

This one goes out to a woman who has at times been closer to me than anyone before. In a way I wish I could say the closeness was one based on emotion but this one is more the fact that I spent those first vital months incubated by her. Taking all of that into consideration it amazes me how close we have never been and how cold she has always been towards me.

It’s become clear to me over the past few months to be a good mother I never needed to have one. Also that her reasons for never wanting to be close to me or have the kind of love I have for my son is not my fault. It probably has nothing to do with me at all.

Knowing all of this is in a way is comforting and I’ve been able to blame myself less. At the same time it is hard to not take personally sometimes.

They say it’s only her missing out but if that were my child I’d be proud I think. It hasn’t been the easiest ride but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s made me independent, hardworking, stronger, determined, opinionated and so much more. The life so far has not been a walk in the park for me but I’ve made it this far on my own and feel pretty proud of myself. Yes it’s true you are the one to miss out and knowing who I am I guess it’s a shame as I think I’m worth having in someone’s life. What you think and what you know and what is real could be so far from reality it’s not funny.

It’s just sad that you can’t see who I’ve become or the things I am doing. I have found my voice and I have been using it. I started my own business and have created a unique idea that so far is one of a kind. I have raised money and donated my art and time to awareness and simply because it’s the right thing to do. I started writing childrens books and will try to get support at a domestic violence conference coming up in December. I hope in the future they are part of the schooling curriculum so that children can better understand and recognise if they are living in a domestically violent situation. I am a good person who has a lot of love an I find it a shame you don’t want to know me.

After what has happened I won’t be able to have you in my life and that is a shame. I don’t know why you have chosen to punish me for a lifetime or why you get enjoyment out of setting me up to fail simply because I want to live my life my way. I am not here to make up for or to do over any of the mistakes from your life either so please go and live your own life. Unfortunately it will be we deserve to have and for that you can’t blame me.

Day 2,125 Of Domestic Violence – My Head

When I think about how many times my worth has been proven to be less I feel deflated. It’s hard to keep getting back up each time even though I know who and what I am and what I have to offer.

From recently having dreamt an entire night? Albeit there were a few differences but only in the minor details. All that I know is that I dreamt the exact place, the exact people, the trip to the servo for fuel and the fact that the blonde chick in the back would offer to drive as it was late and I was tired and now meeting someone who appears to be my missing puzzle piece, I don’t really know what to think?

When things feel ‘off’ having to question whether it’s my own past failures setting this up for disaster or simply just another disaster waiting to happen is exhausting and I truly wonder if I will ever be happy.

One thing I have come to learn about humans is for most of them they fear the unknown or simply when they are unable to predict an outcome it causes high levels of stress and anxiety. Everything else in life you will find that the best way to assess the risk factors is to look to past behaviors or outcomes. However in love and relationships this can ultimately lead a couple into oncoming traffic. It seems however that they end up there for me anyway so what is the answer?

I’m finding I have less fight when it comes to my broken heart lashing out and sadly I think that is my self worth giving up the will to fight anymore. Time and time again the worse case scenario is the outcome and I’m beginning to wonder whether it is true and I don’t have as much to offer as I thought.

With this one though it feels different. For the sake of this all being for a reason I hope it turns out. Although we don’t share a similar taste in music, grew up differently and have had different lives it seems a case of that little person inside us is the same or searches for the same thing! He makes Aussie hiphop less horrible and he makes me want to try the things he likes because as well as myself now I want to see him happy.

Day 2,122 Of Domestic Violence – Practical Magic

Manifestation. I often wonder how much of this life is determined by our state of mind and how much is created by our unconscious self.

What does it all mean?

He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.

This is so I can make sure I never find true love. This is so I never have to lose my true love

I think for all the searching and all the possible ones I’ve finally found mine.

But within a day I’d lost him. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach before he left. As tears flowed down my cheek I watched him ride away. He was supposed to meet me at home almost 24 hours ago but never showed up.

It seems to be a running theme in my life where anything I love seems to get taken away. I think the unknown is the scariest part.

I wish I had something profound to say but all I can do is attempt to distract myself while they look for him. I feel sick and a bit doubtful of the universe and the way it deals with punishment of us. That broken little girl inside me questions whether he has simply run off. But if it’s meant to be it will come back you’ll see.

To him, don’t let this life get you down. It’s already shown us that it was never going to be easy so why would it start now? Love is not meant to be easy and times like this are the ones that count. I don’t know about you but this is a test I plan on passing.

Day 2,080 Of Domestic Violence – Those Who Matter Don’t Mind

Next week is his birthday.  Next week my son turns 8.  He had not long turned 6 when she lied and used manipulation on even myself to turn everyone against me and trick me into signing over temporary custody. I will never forgive my mother for what she has done and for his this has all turned out. I know that I can’t but more than anything I want to grab my son and scream her name while pointing her out to everyone in the street. I want them to see what kind of cold hearted and evil person she really is. One that can laugh in the face of her own child after learning about something tragic happening to them.

I’m not going to begin to say I’m not at fault here but apparently even if a person has done wrong as long as you have a common enemy or you are on her side she will threaten, lie and burry the truth. I am a mother myself and I find it a disgrace and cannot fathom any of it.  Its difficult to explain to most people because for most people they love their mothers.

Through connecting and talking to people over the past few years and since this has all happened, it still amazes me just how many people don’t have a great relationship with their mother. I guess that’s because I am a good mother myself. I love my son and want nothing more than for him to be happy. Loosing him has fueled so many of the mistakes I’ve made and the reason for me struggling to get back on top. Loosing him was like loosing a piece of my soul. At times now I forgot what it’s like to be a mother and that is another reason I shut down and switch into a mode of destruction as a means to distract myself from the pain. Pain which feels so overwhelming at times it leads me to thoughts of contemplating my own existence. I know that would be letting my son down but half of that is because I don’t feel like I can live with this pain and the other half is because I see the torment she inflicts on my son. Although he is clean, clothed and educated where he is I worry about whether he’s getting his emotional needs met, rather after being raised by that woman I know his needs aren’t being met. My stepfather is amazing though. He is however highly anxious but deep down he is a good guy. He is someone who I am so grateful was in my life growing up because I’d hate to think who I’d be without his influence. I made the decision to not accept his continued support of my mother and no longer have him in my life. This is more for me as it’s me finally for the first time in over 30 years not only believing I’m worth more but proving to myself I’m worth more.

She tells me constantly that it’s not the case and what I need to do to fix my life. This in itself fuels the decisions I make. If anyone needs to be taught a lesson by having their child taken it’s her, 30 years ago. That woman helped set me up for a lifetime of pain and suffering. Some of the most basic of life lessons she neglected to pass on and have been the reason I have not reached whatever potential I was meant to reach.

I’ve about had enough of this bullshit we call family court and the blind eye or possibly blatant laziness it must take to not read important documents they ask is to submit. I could care less about the bullshit clause 121 which prevents us from making public the wrongful goings on. They can send me to jail for all I care but good luck. How will you justifying sending a single mother with cancer and who was the victim of domestic violence and rape followed by severe stalking and wrongful termination to jail for simply having enough and publicly making it known. I have my issues and I have made my mistakes but it seems I’m the only one who is willing to be open and honest about it.

I want to be different and to be honest I have become different and I am so glad of who I have become. Despite being the worst two plus years of my life I found my voice and belief in myself. I haven’t changed and truly am a person who is worth something because I am honest, kind and want the best for the people I love. I will though not accept or make allowances for those people I love and causing unnecessary damage to my life or the ones around them. Being honest to ourselves it seems is near impossible for some of us and I just don’t have time for it. It’s causing me to have a shorter rope for the ones who deserve it and it’s sad when I can’t expect a simple I’m sorry and for them to make the change or get out of my space.

‘Be who you are and say how you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’

To Mum On Her Birthday

Dear Gayle Maree,

Even though I don’t have a reference point other than my grandmother, I do know what it takes to be a good mother. Sometime it’s hard to remember what it’s like to be a mother because he’s been gone for so long. I have come to learn that being a good mother comes from within you and having a poor example does not result in you turning out the same way.

Let me introduce myself. I am Carly. I am a wonderful mother. Life has presented me with a few brick walls and I have stumbled along the way. I am a mother who lost her confidence but has not given up. I am a mother just like you and today would have been your birthday. Your great work reflects in who you left behind and I hope to be as proud as you would be of my son one day. I hope he too is kind, smart, wise, funny, soulful and confident to be himself. I hope he never gives up complete hope in people and that he enjoys as much as he can.

You are loved and so missed. Although we never met I have enjoy learning about who you were and you definitely live on through him. As he goes through this last stage of his journey I want you to know he will be loved, cared for and always in good hands.

This is not however a one sided gesture of kindness because he will do just as much good for me. After a lifetime of poor examples and broken promises he will teach me to love myself and how to let others in. He will show me love the way it is meant to be and help break my cycle. He recently said to me ‘every girl your age needs gay’. The more I think about it and my situation the more it makes sense to me.

I promise to love, honor and treasure your son, through sickness and in health until he departs. I promise to be strong for him when he can’t and to be brave for him so he doesn’t have to. I promise to share so many inappropriate laughs with him and attempt poorly exercised yoga moves in the mountains. All the while him taking the time to be truly at peace and me the time to repair and rest after so much fight.

Thank you for being a wonderful mother and thank you from the mother I will one day be.

Happiest of birthdays and lots of love.

Carly & Evan XoXo

Day 2,061 Of Domestic Violence – Never Been Kissed

Even though most of my confidence has returned and my voice loader than it has ever been in the past I still struggle. I struggle to trust myself and my decision making when it comes to certain areas of my life.

Every now and again the universe throws me a curve ball in the form of someone that stops me in my tracks. They say that with age comes wisdom, well I have never felt so clueless in my life as I do right now. I wouldn’t say it was improving either because the older I get the more I throw my hands in the air and wonder ‘what the f#*k?.

I often wonder if this is another case of that part of me who still has faith in people or isn’t as broken by what has happened putting rose coloured glasses on me again? With a child like naivety that has lead me down a path I’ve traveled so many times before. It’s not because she wants me to fail but because she, in a way still believes in Santa and that when you become an adult you have all the answers. Unfortunately she is blind and this is in a way a good thing because she doesn’t let the past consume her driving people away.

I somewhat think there is a yin and yang effect happening and where one ‘hopeful and full of faith’ exists the polar opposite too must exist. That opposite doesn’t drive people away because she hates the world. More like a defense mechanism to protect while I repair any damage. Sadly due to past experience she does not discriminate, attacking anything that comes close just in case.

I know that they both need to exist but it’s a bit like watching your own life from an outside perspective. I find it hard to balance the two and probably end up looking crazy in the end. I know I feel crazy sometimes.

How do I trust what I’m feeling?

Now without this coming across as a ‘poor me’ speech, I do feel like I have not had the best luck. I never had a scrapbook or a vision of my ‘wedding day’ or anything like that. To be honest this is because I have a massive fear of standing in front of a bunch of people while they all quietly staring at me. Then I think to myself ‘I have to feed these people and I’m sure I don’t even like half of them’. This terrifies me and is the main reason I’ve never had that ‘special dress’ in the back of my mind. In no way am I shy it’s that I just do not like being the centre if attention.

The world has been my oyster for so long now but as each failed experience is added to the list the scars are beginning to show and I am tired. Nowadays I don’t trust myself or my judgement when it comes to men especially and I don’t know how to change that.

Ordinarily it can take me less than a minute to work a person out and very rarely, although it has been known to happened am I wrong. I have also been known to use this to my advantage in the past and I’d like to say it’s only been for good but let’s face it I’m only human. I do however feel that I am a good person and wish more than anything that there was only a need for the part of me who believes in happy endings, who loves love and all the nice warm fuzzy things in this world but that’s not realistic and she would never survive a minute out there alone.

When it comes to my own life though, for as much as I know I still find I am completely clueless it seems. Whether that is denial or I just don’t actually get it remains to be seen!

So if I feel one way how can I trust I haven’t found another dud or walked into another trap? Even though everything inside me screams ‘this is something’ and it looks to me like the other person has the same ‘good’ intentions how can I be sure? I try not to put myself in a position where I become dependent on someone and very much do my own thing but I would like to not become a lonely, cranky old spinster!

I read somewhere that telling someone my past, concerning domestic violence wasn’t a good idea. It was suggested that it makes us susceptible as we essentially ‘give away’ all the tricks we will and won’t put up with! Like telling a shark what time the seals swim and which one is injured. I see where they are coming from with that theory but when you blog about domestic violence, campaign for changes surrounding domestic violence and spend most days trying to make a change where you can it’s not exactly something you can hide!

Does that mean I’m destined to be alone?

I know that along the way I’ve met some woman effected by it and for lack of better words it seems they have become ‘man haters’. Now I don’t mean any disrespect and I wholeheartedly see where that has come from but I don’t think being born male makes you Domestically violent. For example I walked into a community domestic violence organization last year as I was donating some mirrors I had made for their walls. I had attended this service myself for assistance and while I was there I thought it was sad how bare their walls were. I had asked the caseworker why there was nothing and had they just moved? She told me it was because every cent goes to helping their clients and even that was a stretch at the best of times so even thinking about jazzing up the office was out of the questions. This is why I decided to donate something. I went in with a male friend who was helping me carry the mirrors and upon seeing him everyone’s ears seemed to prick up and they started saying ‘it’s ok he’s safe’ around the office. The friend of mine could feel the millions of eyes on him and felt like a freak in a freak show. I can remember thinking, ‘hold on he’s a person’ and wondered how they went out in the real world where men roam free!

It’s situations like this that led me to look into men who are the victims of domestic violence. If this is the reaction to a male presence at an outreach centre to someone who is not the victim or perpetrators then imagine being a male victim and getting this response. There is already a massive stigma surrounding men who speak out about being the victims of domestic violence. That coupled with a response like my friend helping me carry mirrors got I can only imaging would be devastating and extremely difficult to stomach. I dare say most men would give up and run away at that point. I don’t think that we can believe any of the statistics we have right now surrounding male victims of domestic violence. I believe there are more that are not documented than there are documented.

Growing up gets harder and harder it seems. Let’s hope this leads to a place where we are all a little bit kinder to one another!

Day 2,057 Of Domestic Violence – Climb To The Top

I remember the day I climbed all the way to the top of Mt Tibrogargan. I hadn’t left that relationship yet but I felt like I could do anything after that!

Fast forward to today…..

Sometimes I find myself asking what is the point? I can’t remember the last time I felt content with life or a space in time where I could just relax.

Getting up everyday just to ‘fight’ through this life is exhausting and it doesn’t ever feel like it will get any better. Sadly I find myself thinking ‘maybe it was easier before?’. Maybe staying in that relationship was the lesser of 2 evils? I know that’s not the right way to feel but I at least had more money then, I had a stable job and most importantly I got to be with my son. I have virtually been shut out of his life completely and missed them his seventh year. I hate my mother and will never forgive her for that. I can’t ever get that back.

I lay awake some nights wondering if he going to be ok after this? What if he ends up an addict like I did or permanently damaged from all of this? Is me finding my voice and standing up for myself worth that?

Why do I feel guilty all the time? It’s just not supposed to be this hard is it? I just want to wake up one day and not have the million dramas I worried about yesterday flood back through my mind which never ever seems to get a rest. It’s as if sleep is the only thing that I can do that is not stressful. The issue is I can’t get anything done while I’m doing that and it just puts me further and further behind in this race we call life.

It’s things like calling Telstra the other day as they cut my phone off AGAIN. Why? Because they did not receive a faulty phone back January. It’s September! Now I called them over the week end to tell them the Australia Post incident number AGAIN. I was hung up on 4 times before I lost the plot. I had to explain to every single person I was palmed off to ‘the situation’ and I was left wondering ‘don’t you people make any notes?’. That coupled with my personal favorite, ‘can you pay the $1,300 today. Really? Is there anyone on this planet that sits on the phone trying to work out a payment schedule when they have the funds just sitting there, not allocated to anything else but instead of paying the bill they have some sick fetish and secretly love sitting on hold to a phone company. It’s not a thing but thank you for proving just how stupid a person can be. Sometimes I wonder how they managed to put pants on and walk out the door that morning without needing a lay down from all the hard work that took. Now while this is happening I just so happened to be at work trying to do that, not to mention it was draining my battery. A battery that my duress alarm runs off as I have been the victim of stalking before. Surprise surprise my battery did not make it so I anxiously walked home in the dark from the train station. Upon charging my phone when I got home I realized I had an email saying that I had until the 10th of October to pay. Ok great maybe someone at Telstra has a brain? I was wrong and my phone got cut off. Wow. Over 3 hours on the phone again. I’m sorry but what the fuck? Why can’t I just put a phone in the post pack that is provided and 9 months later not be haunted by the fact that it didn’t arrive where it was supposed to. That is one of the what feels like trillion dramas that just don’t need to be.

I feel like a cranky old bitch most days and maybe that how it happens? We’ve all met ‘that old lady’ before! You know the one that you question if there was anything that you could have done that wouldn’t have made her the worst person on earth to deal with. Maybe she was once me questioning why the world seems to be against her? Maybe after so long you just snap? Maybe she was once a really nice person but just couldn’t take it anymore?

Is that the reason she’s ended up alone? I mean my dating resume isn’t that spectacular, hi my name is Carly. I’m 32, jumpy, I have a million grey hairs that weren’t there 2 years ago, I don’t speak to my family and am in court currently battling for my son and while we are talking I have ten million things running through my head like money, debts, who I have to email, my son and the guilt I feel etc but I’m good how about you? Never mind what I like please just don’t display any controlling or aggressive characteristics because I will flip out ever so lightly. Even if you don’t I will probably have some sort of meltdown because I am severely damaged but due to not being able to find myself in a position financially I haven’t really started working on that trauma. Wow what a catch!

It doesn’t really matter though because I couldn’t afford to go out anywhere to have a chance encounter or magical date even close to the one I just described. Where am I going to find the cash to even buy a drink considering some fortnights I am left with $304 a fortnight after rent? I can barely afford the basics so it doesn’t really leave me with money to go out. I brought a sandwich for lunch today while I was in the city & thought to myself ‘what a treat this is’. How sad is that? But that comes with having to watch every single non existent cent.

I just want to not be consumed by all the drama and for my head to be quiet and content for once.

Maybe that too big of an ask? Maybe the world needs cranky old ladies to maintain balance. Maybe this is the only way to create that truly awful to be around old lady? Maybe I’ll give the next one I encounter a hug rather than write her off like I normally would. Maybe she’s just like me and needs a bit of a break rather than to be labeled? If only we had all the answers how much easier this life might be.

Day 2,054 Of Domestic Violence – Today Is Just Another Day

Today is Wednesday 18th September 2018. Just like any other day, the sun rose and the hustle and bustle began. So I ask myself why do on at 5.49 pm do I feel frustrated with it all?

Number one. I started a fundraiser almost a month ago but just like most things in my life it hasn’t been very successful. I even put up a slightly confronting yet extremely personal video showing my personal injuries sustained whilst in a domestically violent relationship but no one cares enough to donate.

Number two. Why is it that someone you’ve known for a short while that seems to have a thing for you is treating his daughter in exactly the wrong way and the more you try to point it out the more it seems to go over his head. Seeing the signs from my childhood I am attempting to make apparent so she doesn’t end up like one of us is frustrating.

Number three. Being accused of child abuse this morning because I won’t allow my son to have surgery for something I know very little about. Despite the fact that I am his mother and more than capable of mothering I am kept relatively in the dark. Changes to GP and many other things seem to be allowed but if I ask the question or prefer that the judge make the decision is somewhat out of the question. Family court judges have a lot to answer for I think in Australia.

Number four. Maybe just the fact that it’s hump day and more and more the world doesn’t seem like a very caring or nice place to be a part of.

I am not sure but I am a bit tired of it all. Enough people have ‘shared or seen’ my video but only one person actually donated to help make change.

Makes me wonder if anyone cares at all.

Happy Friday, sorry to be a bit cynical today but really when does happiness start for any of us because I’m beginning to think maybe never!!

Fundraiser

My name is Carly Webb and I write a blog called Diaries From Domestic Violence.

Myself and two other lovely ladies, also victims want to bring change to this issue. The 4th STOP Domestic Violence Conference on the Gold Coast in December will be the first step for us. We plan to eventually make an app which will solve some of the issues we faced when it comes to domestic violence.

I personally have experience with roadblocks such as wrongful termination as a result of the violence, family court custody battles, housing issues, real estate issues, issues with police and lack of willingness to respond, court systems outside of family court, issues with members of parliament, family law lawyers, legal aid issues, humiliation by family members, issues with my sons school, patenting orders not being adhered and ignored, finance issues, Centrelink issues, QLD health issues and the list goes on.

I want to attempt to make change from my experience and bring an understanding of the issues faced. This conference will be a great opportunity for myself and my lovely friend who also brings years of knowledge and understanding to this issue. We both having been through traumatic experience just want to help and make this a better place for our children to grow up.

Understanding is the first step to making any real change.

We thank you for your support and wish you all a happy and safe life.

Carly

Day 2,044 Of Domestic Violence – Confidence In Me

On the days leading up to releasing a video to help promote my fundraiser I feel nervous about letting it all hang out there. It’s one thing to tell people in passing but it’s another to expose myself to the world.

I have not been an angel whilst on this path but a lot of really unpleasant and unfair things have happened to me. Some that were out of my control.

I was talking with a new friend about the mistakes we make along the way. He felt bad for giving up and detouring from the path of getting his kids back. I’m of the belief that beating ourselves up constantly causes us to spiral even more. How someone deals with their pain or trauma is personal and it annoys me when the world and it’s finger pointers ask us the obvious questions like ‘why didn’t you leave?’. Thank you Captain Obvious!! I sometimes think it’s an attempt to make us feel bad or maybe to portray themselves above us. My answer to that is usually ‘really because I baked him a cake, I didn’t even think of leaving!’. Can’t people just quietly listen or give us constructive criticism?

I personally like the line ‘you can’t change the past but you can prevent the future from being any worse’. Let’s face it we are the ones that have to live with it, we are the ones who have to do all the hard work to change it and we are the ones that have to look our kids in the eye and tell them the whole thing one day, no one else.

So here I am. I’m still in one piece, little bit shaken but for the most part ready to take on the world. I am still very much unlucky in love but my want to be the best mother I can be has not changed.

To my boy I love you more than you will ever know. In the end it will all make sense and this will all be a distant memory.

Day 2,042 Of Domestic Violence – Where Do You Go When No One Cares?

Maybe I’m just extra specially unlucky or maybe no one really cares? At this point I’m not sure which one it is.

Recently I wrote to the Crime and Corruption Commission (CCC) regarding failures I have been involved with first hand when it comes to the Queensland Police Service.

My complaint covered things such as:

– Police refusing to intervene surrounding the kidnapping of my then 6 year old son by a family member who was unhappy about my domestic violence issues being reported.

– My previous complaint to the Queensland Police Service which resulted in a phone call from the Sandgate Police officer in charge. I was informed that further training would be done and I would be updated but obviously was not taken seriously as I never heard back.

– Complaint about my ex partner who I was in a domestically violent relationship with was using a current officers who he went to school with to intimidate me. I phoned the officer who said this matter would have to be delt with and I would need to talk to them but I never heard anything.

– Break and enter resulting rape, documented by he GP immediately after and reported in the state members office with his office manager present as I made the statement. This was made to the officers who attended the scene and the same ones that told me to drive myself to the station. A station where they failed to log the call out and subsequently this is how I fell through the cracks and no one came to see why I didn’t attend the station as no one knew.

And the list goes on!

I received a reply! Insufficient evidence apparently. Isn’t it enough that I have documentation from Victims Assist classing incidents as rape? Letters from the GP documenting the incident moments after it happened? How about email and an official letter from the state members office stating I was in the office and someone from their office was in the room? How about he name of he detective that told me himself it was not recorded?

Excuse me but it’s a fucking disgrace. Insufficient evidence? Here are the photos taken moments before they attended the scene. Now tell me how you forget to record an incident?

So I ask you where the hell do you go when no one cares?

Day 2,033 Of Domestic Violence – Home Is Not A Place It’s A Feeling!

Recently I said good bye to the last place I considered home. It was a home I lived in about a decade ago full of fond memories I will cherish forever. I am officially an orphan now and it’s sad to not have that safe place to return to when I need a break from the big bad world. It seems that with finally breaking out in my own has come to the point of no return.

It seems as if that had been happening a lot in 2018. Earlier this year I lost my own home, the first one on my own and one I wanted to share with my son. My Nana’s home was sold as she went into a nursing home as well.

Christine Avenue Varsity Lakes was my home for a few years in 2008. It was the last remaining place that I ever felt a part of a family. It was safe but now that place it set for sale and the occupants to move on to a simpler life away from the hustle and bustle of the Gold Coast’s bright lights.

I lived with a very load family. This family consisted of Mum and Dad (substitute parents), my boyfriend at the time, adopted brother and myself. Let’s not forget the family Pet, Spike!

Just like all naughty children we kept our parents on their toes. No wonder they needed a stiff drink somedays.

This family left an ever lasting impression on me and I will hold them all dearly in my heart forever. I remember terrorizing my adopted brother much like I would had he been my real brother. I love that him and I have stayed close over the years. Some famous words from the wise old adopted father who loves country music are ‘for f**k sake Scott…..’, ‘what’s the f**king point?’, ‘oh f**k off’ just to name a few. In fact I have already named one of my previous blogs in honor of him (‘what’s the fucking point’, on 7th May 2018) I regularly use terms made famous by him in my dad to day living. I remember that afternoons consisted of Bold and the Beautiful at 4.30pm and a glass of wine before my substitute mother yelled ‘guys dinner is ready’.

Apart from occasionally at my Nanny’s house this was the first place I ever consistently sat at a table to eat a meal. Growing up my dad fed us McDonalds or nachos in front of the tv. My mother was always at work so my sister and I sometimes ate at the table together but I remember it being really quite and lonely just the two of us until my stepdad walked in the door between 7 and 7.30 and after catching public transport home by which time we had usually eaten.

Eating dinner at a table as a family might be ‘just a thing’ for some, for me it was massive. It is something I tried to implement in my own life after having my son.

Now this family may have had there issues but I have never felt so much love in one room before in my life. It was almost immediately after moving in that I felt like one of them and it’s a feeling I will hold close to my heart forever. Eating as a family was consistent and everyone knew their rolls, the cooks (parents) and cleaning crew who got fired and rehired every night (three naughty children who snuck off after dinner only to be found smoking and put in their place).

Even though I broke up with this particular boyfriend almost 10 years ago now I have visited this home many times over the last 10 years. On these occasions I have sat at the same table, in the same seat, not alway with all the members as one may have been ‘away’ on a vacation. I even brought my son here when he was a baby to meet my adopted family and see my old house because it was a place that I always treasured.

Saying good bye to it has been a roller coaster of emotions so for the occupants I can only imagine how emotional it will be as they pack up and say good bye.

Officially having no safe place scares me and I hope the future works out in the end. more often than not I have received the raw end of the stick so anxiety sets in when I think about the future.

I have found another new job that if all goes well should result in a more than stable future for my son and I. It’s exciting being part of a business starting at ground zero. With a tight budget and individual fueled with an idea and a whole lot of passion is exciting. When I look at my new bosses face throughout the day I can tell that the old me is returning. I have always been capable, driven and someone talented beyond most.

It reminds me of a show I watched a few years ago, ‘Hold and Catch Fire’. So far it seems like two misfits led by a gentle yet sometimes mad genius who looks somewhat like a teenage kid when he walks around with a backpack on.

Domestic violence took away a lot of my confidence. It began in a subtle way through comments and ended in scary violent scenes. Just as I didn’t see it in the beginning I didn’t see it when they took my son. It has taken time to get back my confident self and I know in time my son will return. When that happens I will make sure that is the last time.

Never before have I heard the advice on how to deal with your daughter upon discovering she is in a domestically violent relationship is to throw her out in the street, attempt to move her violent partner in and use her as a scapegoat. Never have I heard that even though you were a first hand witness, you should lie about what you saw and refuse to tell the police what you saw. Never have I heard that you should write letters of support for the man you saw with your own eyes violently slamming your daughters head into a window sill while she attempted to shield her child underneath her. Never have I heard that you should take away her rights as a mother by exposing her demons and covering up her violent partners. Never have I heard that you should take away two years of her seeing her son grow up because she no longer wants to live with your controlling behaviors. Never have I heard of a mother even thinking such cruel and damaging things. You don’t deserve to call yourself a mother as you are more of a monster who seems to enjoy breaking a person. Your actions have in the last driven your daughter to want to end her own life to escape the pain you inflict upon her and her son first hand.

From the beginning all she asked for was the support of her family. Just the space to get the help she needs and only knows what she needs. In the end I promise you I will never give you the opportunity to know the new me. You deserve so much worse but all you will get is a good bye from me. To live out your days alone and the day you die it will not concern me. You made me hate myself and made this journey so much harder than it needed to be. There is no excuse but if you think you have won the war then just you wait and see.

To my son, one day this will all make sense to you and you will see the truth. Then you can make an informed decision about who you want in your life.

Home is not a place it’s a feeling!

Day 2,026 Of Domestic Violence – Juvenile Love

Earlier this year I had the heart breaking decision to give up on someone that is loved for half my life.

He was a serial pest when it came to woman and keeping it in his pants. The sad reality is he was someone I met in my late teens, dated in my early 20’s and after we broke up we happened to stay friends. He was also the only partner I ever had who wasn’t physically violent toward me and while not always being the sweetest, in fact he did call me names a lot jokingly, he was not abusive in any of the classic ways. He was also the exception to them all and actually bought me a birthday gift a few times and while you couldn’t class him as a romantic he unfortunately was the benchmark I have set it seems. I look back now at how low the standards were set for what seems my entire dating career. I now wonder if by chance I ended up with this guy by accident because he was actually nice to me once or twice. If you look at my history it’s as if I have vetted the men in my life and only ever chosen the worst of the worst. My father. (I know I’ve talked about my ‘daddy issues’ before but these posts start with an idea and have a mind of their own and this is where this one has chosen to go)

Back to my story;

All those years ago I became really close with his family as we lived with them while saving up for our own place. I was not close with my mother or father so I became to his parents. They weren’t without their issues but it was always foreign to me, the family dynamic. I was close to my stepdad but the relationship I had with both of my parents was always one that had a distinct coldness to it. It always felt awkward so it was avoided it as much as I could. Even when I tried to reach out or see a movie or anything it was hard worn and had to be forced rather than occur naturally.

So after all this heart break and all of the grieving I did for this ‘love’ I lost, I ran into him last night at the pub. Just like his ‘juvenile’ self he was dressed like a ‘shady character’ if you catch my drift? He had his ridiculous shoes and sunglasses accompanied by his bum bag around his neck. I asked why he was like all those years ago putting every cent through a machine and wouldn’t sitting down and having some dinner and a drink be a better option? He said ‘I just gotta put this back through this machine’.

I suddenly realized he was still 19 it seems. They do say when you introduce drugs to an adolescent male brain they no longer progress mentally and he clearly hasn’t gone anywhere. What devastated me earlier this year suddenly became a god send because I dont need this in my life. I am not attracted to 19 year old boys anymore in the future I am looking for a man of my own ago. I know within myself I have changed since then. My priorities have changed, my looks have changed and I’m ok with that. I don’t want to be the 19 year old girl still and the plus one to this thing I see before me. I’d rather walk around the markets with someone or play outside with my son. The time has passed for acting like a stupid teenager. I am a mother and now an adult.

Although my life is a mess still I am working towards something stable. I get since having my son that life is more about experience and less about money and stuff.

Like I said take me to Eat Street Markets any day of the week. I’d rather walk around while laughing and getting to know each other ‘weirdness’ instead. Maybe this is a subtle hint to someone lol you know who you are! You’re wasting time right now waiting until you are in a position to take me out somewhere and buy me dinner or to be the hero. I’m not looking for a hero and I can buy my own dinner because I am my own hero! I’m looking for someone to be my friend and my equal fundamentally not my savior!

While we are so smart on one hand it seems we are dumb at life! Thanks for continually trying and taking the time to challenge me as I do more than you know learn from life experience! In the end if nothing I will be a little bit closer to a more healthy minded me and that gets to be more and more of case as each day passes.

To my past love I don’t know what else to say other than thank you for help shaping who I am today. Thank you for being the exception to them all as you gave me a glimpse of what it could be like if I just had a better option of myself. I wish you all the best wherever you end up but for the 19 year version you seem to still be it won’t be with me.

Carly XoXo

Letter From A Not So Typical Male – His Observation

A friend recently showed me something he wrote. He handed me his phone and said ‘here this is how I see you’. I was suddenly interested as I love an opportunity to learn something about myself.

What I found was something insightful and sweet. The way he describes me is exactly how I see myself at times. Not a false sense of self though. I have always felt like a strong and independent person who although damaged by certain thing is overall a good and honest person. I guess as much as I wish it was different and the damage wasn’t there, realistically it’s true and others can see it. The silver lining is that the perception I have of myself is real and I feel that with each day I become stronger and a little less broken so maybe that is the real truth?

Here is what he wrote;

‘Have you ever found someone that makes it worth getting out of bed for? Someone who makes you feel alive, someone who is kind, caring and thoughtful? I did, but she is so damaged.

When you open up she closes off and she can’t bare to be near you all because some monster did terrible things to her.  Things a human should never have to bare.  I would love nothing more than to help her and be there for her to fix this damaged soul as she has been so good to me.  Better than any woman.   She put a roof over my head when I was homeless, she never gave up on me and made me realise I am worth it and I am capable of loving who I am.  She gave me the drive to make me want to better myself and move on with my life and I could never thank her enough. 

She is independent and doesn’t need a man.  She is a mother who needs her child, she is a daughter that never felt loved and was never hugged enough by her mother and father which makes you think that all these things have contributed to her not showing normal emotion. 

I know it’s in there but it’s buried so deep down. Can it ever be found and how do you bring back this soul from the depth of hell?  So she can understand and process feeling like you should because this woman deserves happiness and to be loved and cared for cause there is so much good in her. 

It seems to be the good ones that always get robbed of happiness and get walked on by people who are monsters and don’t take no for an answer.  Men that won’t leave.  Men that make her uneasy, that beat her down and drug her up.  Its not an easy life when you have been through so much trauma and pain.  When every man seems to walk all over her. 

I hope she finds happiness and gets rid of all them demons that suck the life from her constantly.   It’s a long way back but I believe she is capable of coming back from that dark cold place but every now and then you can  see it there.  Its such a beautiful thing and makes you feel like your in a cloud. 

I can’t wait until the day she finds herself again and I hope I am there to see it.  It would make me smile and probably cry to see the angel standing in front of me with her boy in her arms. Completely at piece with the demons that haunt her.’

 

Sent from my iPhone

Day 2,025 Of Domestic Violence – The Human Connection And Hero’s In Red Shoes.

I work for the Salvation Army.  I have been tasked with doing a short piece each month in the newsletter.  I wanted to meet with certain groups that meet weekly and people within the corps to get their story and have a chat with them.   I wanted to share it with the rest of the corps in an attempt to reconnect with each other.

It seems strange to me that a person could sit beside say a coworker everyday for years but know nothing about them.  So earlier this week I wrote a short piece on my own story as I thought it might be a good way for everyone to get to know me before we meet up.  I guess my boss liked it so much he asked me to read it on Sunday…. in front of people!  Great!  I quickly said yes and I will work on my nerves for the rest of the week.

I decided to write it in my usual blog format as that is comfortable for me.  Plus I can read it straight from the sheet and not have to look up at all the quiet people staring at me.   Why? To be honest I have a lot to say but I much prefer doing it this way. Public speaking is not my thing, everyone’s quiet and looking at me, not my kind of fun. But I’ve sucked it up and agreed. I have written it here as this is what I am going to read out. That way I can stair at the paper and pretend they are not all looking at me.

Here goes nothing;

It seems the more technology advances the further we get from human connection, or at least true human connection.  Sometimes I feel people look at me as if I am strange because I’m interested in everyone. Some might say nosy?  For me at least I learn a lot about people and how they work. I also find I learn a lot about myself at the same time.

I am originally from Redcliffe and my family had a lot to do with the (blank) Leagues Club.  My grandfather was  and was Chairman of the Board for both the football and leagues club for over 30 years.  I grew up in Redcliffe and Brighton so this place is very much home to me.

I have a recent history of domestic and family violence and become estranged with my entire family who have chosen to side with my ex partner.  Alone I have had an uphill struggle with family court and custody of my son Evan who is seven years old.

Out of every situation though does come a positive and had it not been for that I would not have started my own business Through The Looking Glass Mirrors.  I rescue old casement windows and turn them into mirrors with custom designs in them.  Earlier this year I started a blog called Diaries From Domestic Violence which began as a bit of therapy for me but now has over 2,000 followers and woman from all over the country and world reach out and let me know how much my honest and open approach has made them not feel so alone.  I also came to work here and have met all of the lovely Salvation Army members.

Earlier this year my hero in red shoes, Major Keith Hampton found me crying outside Coles at Kippa Ring and offered me more than just assistance.  He offered me the opportunity to work again which sadly I had put on the back burner due to my domestic violence issues.  It has not been easy for poor Keith, saving this damsels in distress has not always been a glamorous one but never a dull moment.  Although it has been an uphill battle, getting the opportunity to work again has made a massive difference in my life.  I have always been very determined and loved working but over the last few years I had lost my confidence.   Today I help out in the office a few days a week as well as work on my recovery.

Through the help I received from Major Keith Hampton and the Salvation Army Corps Redcliffe I have gained a new family in you all.  The lovely Hewitt’s family, Barb, Ian and Rachel also have to be mentioned in this story as they have the pleasure of me adopting them as my new immediate family.  They opened their home to a young mother of one struggling and homeless and I will forever be grateful.  To them I want to say a massive thank you and I love you and unfortunately you are stuck with me now.  Also Anne Redman who attends another fraction has become a wonderful ‘role mother’ to me in my life.  I am completing the Positive Lifestyles Program through the Salvation Army with her which has also helped me make Positive change.  She has offered me so much of her time and love which is invaluable to me and it is nice to know that someone cares.

That in a nut shell is my story and I cannot wait to get to know you all a little more through this space.  In life shared experience is a wonderful thing and can greatly improve the way we live our lives.  Even if you have been attending the Salvation Army Redcliffe Corps for years or it is your first day we all have a story and can learn from each other.  Intern this can make us a little more understanding and connected with each other and can only be for the better in the long run.

Day 2,013 Of Domestic Violence – Standing Up To My Daddy Issues

They talk about ‘Daddy issues’ as a joke sometimes but to be honest they are more real than we like to think.

My father was an angry, self righteous, physically and verbally abusive, controlling mess and still is to this day. Most of my life I have been told ‘that’s just the way he is’ as if I should just accept that behavior and allow it to continue. Well no. I’m sorry I won’t have it in my life. It was a few years ago now that I decided to stand my ground, tell him what I thought and take back what he has attempted to take from me. What was that? For a long time this was a man I was terrified of and by letting things go he took my confidence and my right to feel like I mattered.

He does not and has not currently got a place in my life. Part of this is his choice but mostly mine. This is a loss for him not so much for me as I get my examples currently from two men who have been I my life for a long time, my amazing godfather and very good friend who took me walking when I was at my lowest.

A lot of this early damaging behavior from my father translated to relationships I was in and I was putting up with controlling behaviors, eventually physically abusive behaviors and allowing them to make me feel like I was less than equal to them.

Today. I fend for myself and do a pretty good job of it. I have a job in which I can support myself, a home of my own, this blog, I manage to feed myself, cloth myself and on the odd occasion help out someone in need. All the while not having a man.

I still though most times invite men into my life that share a lot of the same qualities as my father. The ones that turn up when they feel like it, as if their stuff is more important so I should sit around waiting for them instead of expect them to be there when they say or at least let me know there’s been a delay. I make a joke about ‘you should have let us vote’ or ‘they make our feet smaller so we can get closer to the washing up’ but that’s my way of saying ‘hey it’s not the 1930’s get a clue’.

So over time they have all looked different, from different backgrounds and different personalities. They all seem to share the same quality which is someone who really when you look at them doesn’t have their shit together at all. They do however have all the opinions in the world about how I can fix my life but seem to put none of their own advice into practice. They seem to think that my schedule should come second to theirs and while it’s acceptable for me to sit on the edge of my seat waiting for them, if the tables were turned would be horrified or simply wouldn’t accept the same treatment from me.

So although I have identified the issues here I do not seem to be changing the behaviors. So much so I am beginning to frustrate myself at times. Purely out of frustration I’m tempted to tag you all in this but I won’t. That would be nasty on my part and not conducive to the outcome I’m seeking. The sad part is for most of you who I know for a fact read these, and there is more than one. This will go completely over your head. I am not perfect and I’m aware of this but you too may also find yourselves alone in the future, if not then it will probably be with someone who is not seen as an equal or with major self esteem issues that they settle for less than they are with and that is the saddest part. We are all worth the same and worth having people in our lives who encourage us and make us feel equal.

No more not less.

Day 2,011 Of Domestic Violence – It’s A thing!

The thing about putting yourself out there is it opens you up to games. How many of us play games in this life? With peoples hearts, emotions and even self worthless. Why is it we have an understanding that children need genuine love and care for their development but we don’t carry that through into adulthood? At what point does it go wrong and we get to an age where the genuine love and care becomes one of a more damaging interaction?

Why can we not honestly and genuinely want the best for people and encourage that? Why is it we punish the people around us for our own self doubt? Use their insecurities to make us feel better because we simply just don’t like ourselves. Why can we not speak up when we are hurt by someone and have them see that pain and treat it with respect? Why do we say one thing when we mean another? Why do we run from the things we want and embarrass the things that damage us because we are used to it?

What’s wrong with putting yourself out there? I sometimes think maybe it’s just me who is not afraid of the outcome? Why are we scared of those who tell us the truth and prefer to listen to the ones who only tell us what we want to hear? It’s a whole lot of wasted words and life becomes a scene from a move as opposed to the real thing.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t fit in? Good or bad I try to own every decision I’ve made. Otherwise what’s the point of doing it in the first place?

The thing about truly being ok with yourself is that being alone doesn’t scare you. In fact it’s probably the easier option. But forever the optimist I want to believe ‘it’s’ out there for me.

If I’m gonna take the risk though and put myself out there with people they are going to have to take that and be respectful of it.

One thing to keep in mind though is just as it was put out there it can just as easily be taken away. It’s not a game. I don’t want to hear your fake stories or be treated the way you wish you treated someone in your past. I also won’t put up with the rest of the crap because I’m not them and I do not want to live an unhappy life and either should you.

We all need to get a massive reality check it seems. This ever increasingly cold and cruel world is one our children have to live in. One day we will not be here to give them genuine love and care so can we for the sake of humanity just be nice to each other? If not then at least say it so we are all on a level playing field. It’s the lies and misdirection destroying us all not a substance or negative behavior.

Take some ownership in your life and although we all mess up how about we try to just not do it again instead of fighting each other only armed with a ridiculous story.

Just because you say it doesn’t make it true.

What is true is how absolutely stupid it looks to everyone else, even ourselves!

Day 2,006 Of Domestic Violence – Stronger Than You Think

There are a few people who make me smile in this life.

To you Miss Alana whom I love very much. Although you are relatively new friends I think you are here to stay! It is very much like meeting myself or a close version of myself.

Soft, sweet and the kindest of souls, all that you want in this life is for lack of better words, ‘world peace’, cuddles and rainbows! Now while I think that’s a pretty easy ask seemingly the world and its creatures do not.

For them. Those who dare poke that bear. Poke one too many times and you better be willing to loose an arm…… and the rest.

With your brutal and honest truths, mostly about yourself that come so perfectly out of your mouth! The deep dark ones that no body owns up to usually make me think about my ‘own demons’ but more beautifully at times very important ones.

One such important lesson you have taught me is ‘to genuinely say a nice thing to another female everyday’. I have never consciously though about the fact that females can be more damaging to other females on a whole. Instead of building us up, we tear each other down which is a shame. We think in domestic violence situations that it’s the physical, emotional and all the rest damage us and render us unrecognizable. I often wonder if we had a support network of supportive woman around us building us up if their tactics to break us down would be so powerful?

So to you Miss Alana,

You are sweet and beautiful but this also comes with an unimaginable pain that not many understand. I do though. The world seems to think we should act one way because of this pain but it drives us to go the other way. This is out of it all being too much.

I wish for nothing more than our pain to be free of us and for our babies to be safe in our arms. That is where they belong but this is not possible due to external influences dragging us down. If only we were stronger so this wouldn’t effect us like it does.

Honestly I think we have enough strength for it not to but I know personally that I’m keeping that strength for when I get my son back. So that I don’t turn into one of those woman that have beaten us down until we are nothing. So that I can teach him I won’t be made to do as I’m told because I am an adult and I am a good person who should be afforded the right to make decisions and live a life I want to live. Free from judgement and criticism from people who think they can control what they want.

You and I will be fine in the end I promise. This can’t last forever. If we can hold on long enough for it to pass and for the system to see what is really going on then everything will be back in its right place!

For me at least and for those people who have used pain and damaging tactics to try and make me change and live up to their version of who I should be, well you have lost the opportunity to know who I really am and will not be a part of my future. You only have yourselves to blame and you will see that choosing to win in the short term will result in a loss in the long run.

Day 2,008 Of Domestic Violence – Finding A Unicorn

This week I want to put out something dictated to those beautiful people. You will know if you are one of them because no matter what, time, distance and even bullshit comes between us in the end nothing changes. You will have taught me something or shown me something that will have changed me for the better. I love that when we look into each other’s eyes we snap out of what ever crap is plaguing us and just enjoy the fact we are together and want more than anything for our lives to be full of happiness and pain free.

Finding a unicorn. Impossible? Well yes but this is how I refer to the truly special ones that even in a small way leave a lasting impression, change the way we see ourselves or the world or give us a reason to keep going.

This is dedicated to a special lady who has put the call out for feedback on herself. This can be an empowering experiment but also a not so positive as you open yourself up to anything.

I have had a pretty full on couple of years and this blog was born out of that experience. I have told my story to so many over the time and one in particular has left a lasting impression on me and despite the way we came into each others lives I will hold her in my heart forever.

Annaleise Rose Frank is one of the most interesting and inspiring people I have ever met. The first gift that she gave me was her time, compassion and understanding. As many as so many interactions before full of kind words more often than not that is the extent. Days later I open my emails to find something so beautiful and caring from one the loveliest and most passionate people I’ve ever met and was instantly touched. Although my blog and my experiences have been issues pertaining to man I have found that more so, women are not kind to other women. This could be the reason for my having a lot of male friends as opposed to female, I find woman have a way of tearing each other apart sometimes a lot better than any man could rather than supporting each other which is sad.

This is exerts from my email:

‘I have furthermore put a few people onto your web blog and strongly encouraged them to contribute, I will do that myself as well… I would love to keep in touch with you and perhaps depending on your schedule catch up with you next week for a chat I really believe we can both assist each other in our ventures and my friend Pete believes when you walked in we were touched by an angel… you have something special and we would love to help you as much as we can, I personally volunteer for some organisations that would be interested in supporting your venture as well which in time I will put you in touch with as I think they will greatly assist your much needed cause…You are a remarkable human and I thank Bruce for bringing you and your partner to my house as I know I can assist you with a few things legal and otherwise and believe that you could also equally support and promote my organisation…(on a networking level) but on another level you are someone I would love to keep in touch with on a deeper more personal level, we have a lot in common and think perhaps both of us could help each other immensely, up to you however…My phone number is 04## ### ### we would dearly love to hear from you… Look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards  and Warm wishes

Annaleise Rose Frank xo’

I know everyone else will talk about the amazing things she is working on but I wanted to share something little bit different. I wanted to share the person underneath that, the person that drives that, who is plain and simply a good and truly beautiful person.

What does this mean for me?

She is a reminder that not all hope is lost in times when I feel as if all hope is lost. She is a reminder that people do truly care and not for any reason other than the fact that they care. It’s easy to get into a rut and it’s easy to lose heart but the more of these people I come into contact with the stronger I become.

It warms my heart that someone like Annaleise is so passionate, is so strong and motivated because it gives me hope that my son will grow up in a world where people still care.

I’m excited and I look forward to seeing who she becomes and what she accomplishes in the future and humbled to offer my hands and support when and if she needs it now in the future.

Lots of love Carly xoxo

Day 2,007 Of Domestic Violence – The Guilt I Feel

This goes out to two woman in particular out there. You know who you are!

Thank you for telling me I am selfish. Telling me I choose something over my own son. Thank you for ignoring me, for taking me out of my sons life and cutting me down or humiliating me any chance you get.

I will never forgive you for what you have done. You tell me to get the help I need well I need you to stop this. I am a person, I am worth just as much as his father except I was a scape goat! You then have the nerve to tell me that is not my problem. Really? Do you think you have a better understanding of how I feel than I do?

You fucking make me sick. Both of you. One apparently had to remove her grandson while the over raised an abusive creep. Remind me why I should take advice from you? It doesn’t seem you have done any better so what makes you think you should be raising my son from a top of that high horse.

It makes you happy to see what you have done to us and for that you both have lost all of my respect.

I may not be perfect but I am a thousand times the mother either if you have ever been.

I will not let you get away with this and in the end I will make sure they see you both for what you are. At least in the end you will have each other. Sometimes it’s a curse being me but to wake up each day anything like either if you would be a fate worse than death so I can seek comfort my mind is not overrun by delusions.

You had better hope you picked the right line to walk because if not this will not end well as I will not stop until you get what you deserve.

Day 2,006 Of Domestic Violence – Act Like A Man

What is wrong with some people?  Why is it that certain people in your life get to waltzed around pointing fingers and placing blame but really they need a massive reality check?  Yes this is a rant.  Just who do you think you are?  For the life of me I have no idea why you even bother trying with people or wanting something more for yourself considering the way you act.

Why do you enjoy hurting people so much? Why is it you can’t accept that maybe your actions are causing them to implode? Why are you so right when it comes to everyone else’s shit but they couldn’t possibly have any insight into their own feelings or what makes them tick.

You are not that powerful but you do have the power to stop hurting people but you refuse to and why is that? Does it make you feel better?

You are cruel and your actions are cruel.

Yes a lot of the time, they are only words but please do not underestimate their power.  Now I am for the most part a strong person who can fortunately take a step back and see the forest for the trees.  But there are many people in this world who cannot see what you are doing and do take on your hurtful and vile words.  No one deserves to be treated or spoken to the way you have carried on. It is a disgrace and there are no excuses for it.  You are no better than anyone else and do not have the right no matter who you are to ever make anyone feel the way you make me feel.

You are not the most important person in the world and in the end you are not judged on how many people you think like you for just being you.  In the end it will come down to how many people have you helped get back up rather than knocked down.  Standing quietly beside someone is more powerful than parading your imperfect self around for what reason I am still trying to work out.  It is ugly and this is why when you find yourself cast out with no where to turn. Will it only be then that you are forced to realise that it is your own doing.

I can’t be the only person in the world who comes across these kinds of people?  Do not let them determine your self worth as that comes from inside you, ‘self’.  When you find yourself stronger look out for the little ones who do not have a strong voice and walk along beside them.  There is no shame in stumbling as long as you get back up and remember what it was like to be down there.  Remember how alone you felt at the time and use that to in the future recognise those who suffer quietly or may feel this way.  I know on a number of occasions certain people have come out of no where and even with the smallest of gifts helped me get back up and go on for another day.

This life is not played for one winner.  Either we all win or we all loose.

Considering all of the past weeks events I want to turn this around.  I want to highlight all the truly wonderful and special people who have come into my life and made it better.  The ones who care for no other reason other than they care.

I missed a visit with my son today as I could not find the strength to do it. I can’t take the humiliation for much longer and you all need to hear this and take it seriously.

Be kind to

Enjoy xoxo

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Although we speak out strongly against domestic and family violence as a society, it continues because, as individuals, we often choose to stay silent.

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Day 2,005 Of Domestic Violence – When Will It Be Our Turn?

Why is it that tragedy or adversity are the things that inspire us to be the most profound?

Why can’t a happiness, stability or even just a sense of calm invoke the same effect?

I like to think it’s because we are too busy enjoying how good it feels and we are spending every moment soaking it up rather than over analyzing or deconstructing the situation.

When will it be our turn?

How do you know when you are there?

Until another day.

XoXo

Day 2,004 Of Domestic Violence – To Right A Wrong

How to be wrong the right way? Oxymoron maybe? I have always believed that to be able to feel wronged from time to time you must also be able to admit yourself when you have wronged others. Sounds simple right! Why is it that we find it much easier to tell a stranger or someone removed when we are wrong but when it comes to a loved one or ‘the one’ why do we fight tooth and nail to get our point across as the most hurt or the most hard done by or most wronged? Wouldn’t it be easier to do that with a stranger? We may never see them again and we certainly don’t live with them. So why is it we put up the most fight with The ones who will never let us live it down or we see day in and day out and have to put up with that evil glare?

Are we effing crazy? Do we love being victims so much that we lure these unassuming victims into our lives, dance around in what is referred to as the honeymoon phase for a while before we peel back the layers and show them our scars and all. All the broken, misshaped and previous hang ups. Then without always being concise of it unleash a destructive series of events, one meant to punish past bad relationships and set our sights for our nearest and dearest.

Whoops. Sorry my bad?

Is that good enough? Could pride be the biggest reason for this? It certainly would account for us lacking the understanding when it comes to their side of events. I can see that the silver lining we could take from this is that by arguing with our partner we in turn learn more about them but on a more passionate level. Possibly this is where we fight for our core values which we will not compromise on.

On the flip side we also learn their greatest weaknesses and those things which may have previously been damaging by others and lay just below the surface but are raw and cause us to lash out in a spectacular fashion which sometime can hit them like a freight train when they are not ready.

Now this would all be straight forward if it came out in a clear and informative fashion but more often than not it can be masked by a protective layer which unfortunately masquerades as something totally different. A lot of the time we don’t even understand what it is or how it works in our own minds so what hope in hell does this other person. The one who ordinarily makes us feel like nothing else, makes us smile and we normally enjoy making them smile.

Or is it that although we may feel wronged in some way we can’t fathom the idea that we could hurt them…. because we do have such strong feelings towards them and would never intentionally want them to be anything but loved and feel safe with us.

This one I throw my hands up in the air with. I know I want more than anything for a safe place but at times I feel a massive distance come between us and I am suddenly cast back out on my own, scared and venerable again without even trying.

All I know is that you can’t fight to win for winning sake. Right or wrong pick your position and stick with it and do that because you believe that is the right position for you. Anything less is a waste of everyone’s time and it will all be for nothing. Be kind to one ones around you and expect kindness in return. Remember we are all pink and squishy on the inside.

Some things in this life when broken they cannot be fixed.

Enjoy today XoXo

Day 1,889 Of Domestic Violence – Stupid Boys

Why is it that they are nice and then they’re not?

Why do men these days seem to be more interested in the sleazy games and trickery than they do about any real connection with a woman?

What if you suddenly met one that didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear or at least what they thought you wanted to hear? One that for no reason just helped you out. It didn’t come with a ‘now you’ve got an (insert name) in your life’ trying to have you believe that meant suddenly you could breathe easy but in reality the moment you ask for a hand, they’ve dropped off the face of the earth. One that treated you with respect and was kind.

It begs the question, do most men in 2018 enjoy seeking out women and intentionally taking them for a ride?

Men within my age group, mid 30’s were the product of mother’s who raised their children a lot different to previous generations. The term helicopter parenting was coined and was often accompanied by a spree of ‘irrational exuberance’ potentially ruining men and woman within my age group. One other significant difference was the dot-com bubble we grew up within. Our world was exponentially broadened and the humble school project went from information once only sourced through printed media and non fiction platforms such as the humble encyclopedia to an endless wealth of knowledge and experiences. Pornography went from a once underground, black label paperback or local sex shop to right in our faces, no filters and no ID required. All it takes now is nothing more than the click of a mouse to access an endless catalog of depraved material. You can also ask a question and if you look hard enough, you can find a website that not only provides you with the answers you are looking for but also a supportive community to become a part so that you now believe any and every possible outcome to be true.

Are we a generation of spoiled brats, over stimulated, over sexed and totally in love with ourselves? From day one we have been told and shown that we are the most important and while everyone is standing around us waiting to see what we will do next we are also learning that the other people around us are not equal in comparison and do not deserve the same life experiences and respect we think we deserve?

So he seemed polite and funny. I quickly realized he too shares the same affliction as I do. Some call it foot in mouth but I call it just being brave enough to tell the masses what you think and want out of this life. Not be made up of, one part half truth because it sounds good and the other part Facebook photos tainted by filters until we are almost unrecognizable.

He says he will come back but only time will tell. Will this be the case or failure simply like others before who I believe in the moment meant what they were saying, so I’m not suggesting it’s all been an elaborate lie. They just lacked the ability to follow through due to there short attention spans and an insight grasping a larger picture. I fear this will only lead them into perpetual loneliness which may not be realized until too late.

So am I just being young, dumb and full of….. hope? Or have I found my morally outdated encyclopedia salesman who also doesn’t seem to fit into todays preconceived notion of acceptable behavior? Between Facebook and the list of social media platforms it’s easy to see why self consumption is a reasonable outcome when all of these elements are combined.

Is there any hope for the children we will go into raise or does this breed a whole new generation of something yet to be seen?

Now I’m pretty sure he will read this as I am about to send him a link. Thank you for coming into my life and not being a dick for lack of better words. I really do hope to see you again but if not know your venerability and kindness did not go unnoticed. You are both beautiful inside and out so remember ‘be who you are and say how you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind’. Also you’re welcome for the photos lol.

Lots of love

Carly XoXo

Day 1,887 Of Domestic Violence – Perpetual Loneliness

Life more and more presents itself to me as a scary and lonely experience. Often it seems as if the time and effort we put into people is wasted. I don’t know about you but I feel like I’m the only person who ‘gets it’. Then again a crazy person doesn’t know they are crazy so I often wonder if that’s the case. Judgmental, hypercritical, Self righteousness and the list goes on. I swear the masses only care about hearing the sound of their own voices. Very seldom do the thoughts, opinions or feelings of others come into their decision making processes. When it does it’s seemingly lost on the ones who not only do not deserve it but the ones that cause some of the greatest damage to our precious inner broken child who wants for nothing more than to just fit in and not be alone.

So what’s the point of all of this? No fucking clue. I can’t pretend that I get it and that within these blogs you will find answers to help you within your own lives. It’s somewhat like my ability to recognize the problems within my situation. I am very good at or at least ‘I believe’ that I am very good at recognizing my strengths and weaknesses when it comes to recognizing the problems and patterns I follow in my life. Is that really the case though? For some reason I can’t seem to stop the pattern from reoccurring so am I delusional or simply choosing the path which is familiar to me even though it’s not healthy or damaging to me. Am I in denial? If I really was so good at ‘owning my shit’ you’d think I’d choose a wiser option next time but here we are at day 1,887.

What does that number mean?

It’s the amount of days since the first major act of physical violence at the hands of my sons father. Even though domestic violence is more than physical and I now see that it probably occurred long before it became physical, I guess it was the first thing I documented. The first thing that made me kinda click and think to myself ‘I need to write this down’. The first time I knew I might need this information at a later date.

Even though this life has been a struggle thus far. I wouldn’t change a thing. I have met some really great people along the way. At the same time I’ve met some of the most damaged and most damaging.

Talking to a lady whom I crossed paths with simply by chance last night has made me think that maybe I’m following a behavioral pattern? Or is it a case of apophenia and maybe I’m just seeing the face of Jesus in my toast? What ever the case I have always enjoyed learning more about people and myself. It seemed that her outlook on life and early experiences were similar to my own. So do our early experiences indicate who we will become later in life? Are there only a few outcomes within the spectrum that we as humans become? Have I found mine? She told me openly that she was initially hesitant when it came to being open and honest with me. I thought to myself ‘wow I do that too’. So have I met myself later in life? Can I learn anything from getting to know her? Most experiences I have I look to find the things I can change but to be honest I found her open, honest, kind, funny, caring and the list goes on. I wonder if she is all those things and we are very similar then is there anything I’d want to change about myself after meeting her?

Whatever the case I’m excited to send her some of my stuff and to read what she sends me. I know that I am a person that is kind with someone’s ‘inner child’ so if she is like me then at least this will be an experience, that for once in my life hopefully won’t end in disaster or me being left out in the cold like so many other times.

Who knows what the future holds for us all. I do hope it’s a little more happiness and healthy interactions.

Why do I wish for something something as farcical as wishing for ‘world peace’?

Well these people are raising children that one day will be the world my son lives in. I want him to worry about simplistic things, not whether he is the loneliest person in the world. Not question the motives of everything and everyone that comes into his life. I don’t want him to be scared, I don’t want him to feel alone and I certainly don’t want him to ever feel the way I do.

Today is Monday 9th July 2018. Let’s hope that things get better for us all!

Domestic violence | Australian Institute of Criminology

This report examines domestic violence in the context of contemporary Australian society. It describes the nature, extent and costs of domestic violence and also discusses: community attitudes; the experiences and responses of victims and perpetrators; legislation; responses by police and other agencies; and public education.
— Read on aic.gov.au/publications/vt/vt02