DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

I do not really know whether he will survives. I don’t know if I will in the end either. I think the only difference between back then and now was a moment that sparked something. As if to wake us up from the daze we’d been in for who knows how long. Just going through the motions, feeling nothing and just waiting it out until it’s all over. 

I realise it’s scary but it’s only scary because we had been the other way for so long. Then I watch you hide and shut yourself off from the world more and more as though to protect yourself. The problem is you’re still awake and as hard as you try to become inaccessible, even to me the more intrenched you will become in everything you never wanted to be. I feel unspeakably lonely and I feel drained, it’s a blank state of mind and soul that I won’t bother describing to you as I think it wouldn’t make any difference anyway.

I am not asking you for anything, I am just doing what you would do for me but at the same time I am melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown as everyday passes. I am often question myself these days, what I further want to do, who I further wish to be, which parts of me exactly are still functioning properly because there is not much left of me. It’s up to you if you take it or leave it, let’s face it the race is only with yourself in the end anyway.

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