DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Last night was not the easiest. I watched the love of my life self destruct in a massive way. He is so very smart, talented, strong willed, funny and the list goes on. For the most part I know he loves me. He just doesn’t love himself enough to believe he deserves better.

It’s been a long history that comes to an end. It was a tail of two kids to begin and ends here tonight. There have been so many great times and so many lows. I will always consider you and yours my family. Sometimes it feels like knowing myself and at others not at all. I know your favorite desert is pavlova. I know you love having his neck massages and his head scratched and so much more. I’m glad I got to do that one last time. I will always miss hearing you call me Miss Webb and the way I feel so safe when you hold me way too tight.

Though life sent them in different directions all those years ago they managed to stay friends even from afar. Only to find one another at this stage of their lives. Mistakes were made and consequences felt. Sometime that beacon of hope is too much to handle and sends the world into a tail spin.

It’s not easy watching someone throw away what you know they would have been great at. Knowing those things are also the things he wants for himself but will not get the chance to do as he will do more time. I just hope not too much time is wasted for him and that he has the strength to one day find what makes him happy.

I wrote and sent this as he left the first time this morning:

(_________) I love you & always will. Yes we were supposed to be laying on a couch under way different circumstances but you are, to be frank a coward. You are more scared of shit going well than it going bad. For the record nothing has happened between (__________) & I. In 2009 after we broke up the first time he came out to rescue me as I was in a state. He did it again this time. Nothing weird & he made a point of that because of you that nothing was going to happen. But both times he had spent the entire night just sitting & talking to me. When he looks at me I’m pretty sure he has maybe always had something for me? I know when I see him it’s a little the same. Did you know that up until he went away he was reading all of my blog posts? He messaged me to comment & tell me how much he was enjoying my writing. He also shared his own story with me. Maybe that’s what love is? I don’t know but for as much as I love you & you me I doubt you’ve taken the time to read one of them but that’s ok. I do love you but I have never been as important to you as you. I don’t hate you, I think it’s more devastatingly sad because I know how lonely it must be. You are just too scared to truly live. Believe it or not I understand. We will never be anything in the future & I need to accept that I deserve better & someone who is interested in me more so then their own self destruction. So if & when you come back this morning can you come up & for the sake of it all & the last 15 years can I please just spend 5 min with the real you? I miss him so bad you have no idea. The guy that wrote me all of those letters that I haven’t had the heart to throw out yet and cards with so much insight into himself. I hate how it was left a few weeks ago so that’s why I bullied you out here. I wanted to at least lay in your arms for a bit & tell you I love you. Always will kid is probably what you’d say. Unfortunately I fear the future will be lonely for you & I wish that wasn’t the case because you truly would have been an amazing dad. You work so hard, we’ve seen it before & have so much talent just misdirected. You just won’t get that opportunity now, at least for a while and that breaks my heart. If I could I would take your pain away and give you the life you are supposed to live. Hopefully I will see you later today, the real you. If not all the best.

Lots of love the never to be Mrs Carly (________).

Life is hard and it very rarely turns out the way you planned. Love is hard and very rarely turns out the way you planned.

Tell the ones you love how you feel without being afraid.

We all deserved to hear that truth.