Play while reading…..
Despite the odds I have managed to spend most of my life with a healthy understanding and genuine ‘like’ for being me. That didn’t truly become apparent to me until I turned 30 though. Had it not been for a three very special people in my life growing up, my life and sense of self may have looked a lot different. Maybe I could have spent that time life like a lot of the other little girls. Looking for my ‘daddy’s love’ inside of every abusive relationship. Returning to the same unhealthy relationship time and time again just to have a little bit more of me broken. Eventually becoming just as unhealthy for the other person. Then rinse and repeat until the end of my time.
Now nothing in life is 100% let’s face it. With every action there is a reaction and with every up side there is a down. I guess the downside to that is while I have not found it difficult to like who I am, I have found it difficult to be me. While I have the ability to accept when something may be unhealthy, wish the other person the best of luck and walk away, getting away hasn’t always been the easiest. Sometimes people who are full of so much hate for themselves move past the point of destroying themselves to a place of now needing to destroy the people around them. Both those already in their lives and those who unfortunately cross their path.
Having the ability to walk away makes it difficult for them to destroy your sense of self with their words and actions. Quite often that means that they attack you by destroying your possessions, making you feel unsafe and instilling fear into you to the point you cannot breathe. They take away the things you love in the hope that you will eventually have as much hate for yourself as they do for themselves. What they don’t realise is that it’s not a case of hating yourself they are causing, it’s a hate for being treated like dirt when you do not deserve. It’s a sense of exhaustion and wanting to escape your reality not who you are.
It is true that ‘evil are the minds of those who push the divide’ I guess.
Two of those very special people I have lost already with one remaining. She is tired and i’ve for a long time now tried to find someone or someone’s to replace her so she can finally rest with the love of her life. Unfortunately for her, the three people who I can thank for who I am today grew me up into being this. Confident, capable, self sufficient and kind amongst other things. Resulting in me becoming intimidating to most people. My search for someone or someone’s that she could be confident in knowing I wouldn’t be left out in the cold all alone has been hard. A little while ago simply by chance a person who reminds me a lot of me at times was thrust back into my life at the right time it would seem.
You’re the same kind of broken as me, all the damage unseen, fractured underneath. You’re the same kind of crazy as I, got a temper like fire, heart on your sleeve.
Quote – Love Language by Crooked Colours
Twice now, from inside a cage he has seen me and managed to say the right thing at the right time. He has most likely prevented the end of me because I had become so utterly exhausted by it all to be honest. I can never been grateful enough for that because although I thought I knew how bad I had become, I did not realise to what extent so for that I thank you. Forever you will be family.
Next week sees this person free. In saying we are a lot alike I can only imagine what the world might look like with the two of us in a better place within our lives? I know what I am capable of simply with one person in my corner and I suspect he might be the same. At the end of the day he doesn’t need me to do it for him and neither do I. All we ever needed was someone to believe in us so that we can do it for ourselves.
I leave it here with the thought for some to consider going forward – I am a mother. If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned than just imagine how being a proud mother might magnify that?
Life is one of the most amazing gifts that shouldn’t be taken for granted.
Onto another day….
This one is dedicated to Evan for his 10th birthday.
Thank you to Steven, Desmond, Aileen and Aaron for building me up and making it ok to be me!
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 