Last year was one of those years I won’t forget anytime soon.
While social distancing was the theme of 2020 and the human race proved just how easy Auschwitz must have been to pull off all those years ago. ‘Social distancing’ meant I was forced to slow down and see things a little closer. What did I learn? I was able to open my eyes for the first time ever and truly see what I accepted as truth. I now see that pain and suffering is a part of the ‘human condition’. The degree to which we feel these emotions though is ultimately in our control. To grow and in a way heal, I needed to remove the need to understand the reasons why I felt these things for such an extended period. I needed to stop questioning myself and stop reaching out for something that simply wasn’t there. I needed to accept and understand that the reasons for its existence wasn’t my fault or a result of my actions. I needed to have enough faith in who I was as a person and be proud of how far I have come without anyone holding my hand. I needed to know that the sum of my worth did not take their thoughts or opinions into account in the first place. so I needed to stop listening to the opinions of those who have set out to intentionally cause me pain it in order to thrive. I needed to let go of a lot of the anger and accept that they are simply damaged creatures who feed on the pain of others which was in fact more sad than anything in the end. I have for far too long I let their damage suppress who I was as a person and just like this is my journey which should be dictated by me, that it is the same for them. I think I held onto another version or idea of how it should look because we are conditioned in this life to give people, especially family chance after chance. Not because they deserve it but simply because we share some sort of bloodline. I have never understood how people who have been a part of our entire lives could treat us worst than an enemy. They wouldn’t treat a stranger they were never going to see again even close to the way they treat us sometimes so why are we then guilted into making their abuse okay? We do this by giving them chance after chance. Sometimes giving a second chance is like giving someone another bullet because they missed us the first time.
In 2020 I nearly lost my mind. In 2020 I nearly lost me. Sometimes it takes an formidable breakdown to have an undefyable breakthrough though and strangely I feel even more happy with who I have become as a person and even more comfortable in my skin. I realised that when you start seeing your worth, your real worth, you then find it harder to be around people who don’t anymore.
In 2020 I hit a ‘low’ that not even I thought was possible. Let’s hope this rock bottom becomes the foundation in which I build my life upon as all of us are really only one decision away from a totally different life in the end. Maybe those decisions need to be made with more care? It caused me to consciously consider the way I live my life and the people I choose to have in it. I’m done making excuses for poor behaviour. I’m done ‘pretending’ people might change or hoping things will improve? I don’t need second chances in this life so why am I handing them out so easily to people who need a third and a forth because they really don’t care in the end.
I learn’t that honesty has a power that very few can handle, so in the future if you don’t like it, then don’t let the door hit you on the way out. In the end you might know my name but not my story and rather than trying to tear me down why not realise that kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle in the life from time to time. Sometimes I want to just give up but then I remember I have someone to get back to and a whole lot of motherfuckers to prove wrong.
I want to leave this with a thank you to the people I have ‘chosen’ to have in my life. You are not in my life because I need you. You exist because I want you to be a part of it and thank you for allowing me to be a part of yours. I know I can be hard work but you guys have really been there when it mattered the most and for a lot of you life is also a struggle. For you to be able to find it in yourselves to see past your own shit is beautiful and I hope to one day be a much of a support to you as you have been to me. So to my Nanny, Mel aka Nichole and Jah, Shadow, Glenn, and Glenn. Jen, Martine, Pa, Neil, Bussy, Steven, Troy, Warren and I hope I haven’t missed anyone but to you all thank you. You pick me up when i’m a hysterical heap on the floor, you lift me up when i’m down, laugh with me, poke fun at me to cheer me up, check that i’m ok every day, clean up my entire yard and make my Audi go that little bit faster in sports mode LOL. I love you guys and much like you put up with my shit when life isn’t too great I look forward to enjoying it when it is as well because you are more than friends, you are family to me in the end.
Let’s get out of the habit of teaching our children to accept toxic behaviours,
no more, “…. but he’s your father or … that’s just the way your mother is”. Toxic behaviour is toxic behaviour. Whether you’ve known the person five minutes or your entire life, you are allowed to walk away and not have people in your life who constantly cause you pain. It is your life and you are entitled to be happy and for that life to look how you want it to look. Anything less is a waste of your time.
PLAY ME:
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 