This one goes out to a woman who has at times been closer to me than anyone before. In a way I wish I could say the closeness was one based on emotion but this one is more the fact that I spent those first vital months incubated by her. Taking all of that into consideration it amazes me how close we have never been and how cold she has always been towards me.
It’s become clear to me over the past few months to be a good mother I never needed to have one. Also that her reasons for never wanting to be close to me or have the kind of love I have for my son is not my fault. It probably has nothing to do with me at all.
Knowing all of this is in a way is comforting and I’ve been able to blame myself less. At the same time it is hard to not take personally sometimes.
They say it’s only her missing out but if that were my child I’d be proud I think. It hasn’t been the easiest ride but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s made me independent, hardworking, stronger, determined, opinionated and so much more. The life so far has not been a walk in the park for me but I’ve made it this far on my own and feel pretty proud of myself. Yes it’s true you are the one to miss out and knowing who I am I guess it’s a shame as I think I’m worth having in someone’s life. What you think and what you know and what is real could be so far from reality it’s not funny.
It’s just sad that you can’t see who I’ve become or the things I am doing. I have found my voice and I have been using it. I started my own business and have created a unique idea that so far is one of a kind. I have raised money and donated my art and time to awareness and simply because it’s the right thing to do. I started writing childrens books and will try to get support at a domestic violence conference coming up in December. I hope in the future they are part of the schooling curriculum so that children can better understand and recognise if they are living in a domestically violent situation. I am a good person who has a lot of love an I find it a shame you don’t want to know me.
After what has happened I won’t be able to have you in my life and that is a shame. I don’t know why you have chosen to punish me for a lifetime or why you get enjoyment out of setting me up to fail simply because I want to live my life my way. I am not here to make up for or to do over any of the mistakes from your life either so please go and live your own life. Unfortunately it will be we deserve to have and for that you can’t blame me.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 