Friday 18th January 2019. I want to remember this date. Why? Because today was a really good day! Today was the first time I consciously acknowledge that my life had turned a corner. Whether it has been happening for a while now and I’m only realising it now or maybe it was a phone call with someone from my past that did it, I’m not sure?
Although I don’t have my son back yet I do have some supportive and loving people in my life which I have been lacking for quite sometime. There’s my gorgeous little roomie whom I spent the morning pottering around the house with and chatting about anything and everything. Two amazing friends at the Gold Coast who always make sure I’m fed and have somewhere to stay, not to mention helping me with my books. I went on a ‘kinda date’ last night with someone who is hilariously funny. It’s hard to tell who’s addicted to ‘making it awkwardly uncomfortable’ more, him or I? But he did take me to see the most amazing $17 rainbow and blushed a lot and called me weird ha ha, it was very nice! Someone told me I need to get used to people being nice to me! I’m pretty sure he is a nice one so that’s a weird feeling for me to experience. Nevertheless this weird chick had fun!
I also have other some other people who have been amazing. I will name them because they are the ones that keep me going & have helped out when I desperately needed them, Clint, Mandy, my amazing godfather Petro, Tracy, Phil, Bull, Brendan, Boz, William, John, Karen, Jarrod, Queenie, Alex and a few others.
Finally and this being the one that made me realise the shift in my life. It was a phone call from someone I’ve known almost my entire life. Someone who was probably supposed to be my best friend and not an enemy. Listening to this person talk I realised we are nearly exactly the same. Almost like we were meant to be twins. This person was also set up and sabotaged by their darling mother their entire life too. Knowing that I’m not alone is an amazing feeling. Also proud that despite our terrible mothers who have set us up and the horrors we have endured, fuck we are strong and a lot of people wouldn’t have made it this far so we should be proud!
Although this process hasn’t always been glamorous it has at least been real. In my upcoming family court trial I can at least rest easy knowing I have no skeletons in my closet. I am supposed to take down a video I made which have photos of my son in it but no I won’t. The video is all real and a depiction of some of the ‘not so nice’ moments over the past few years. If anyone can prove that any of it is untrue or made up by me then I will take it down. Until then no I won’t be swept under the rug because it doesn’t look good or makes you uncomfortable. I lived it, how about you try it sometime and then tell me if you’re angry. ‘I am what I am’ and that is a good person, amazing mother and worth so much more that you think I deserve.
Who are you?
Well I’m referring to you mother! I know you will be reading this. You read them all don’t you? Well I promise you the world will see you for what you are. That is a nasty, manipulative, neglectful control freak who has spent her children’s entire lifetimes setting them up to fail and then publicly humiliating them so you can play the victim of your children. You don’t try at all where were you while I raised myself and younger sister? That’s right making sure the world thinks you’re an angle!! I often wonder who I could have become or what I could have achieved had I not had to endure a miserable existence with you as a mother and that vile emotionless and abusive man I’m supposed to call my father. What makes you think you could raise my son any better? I will tell you that you got one thing right and that was marrying a man who you never loved let’s face it. He was a cash cow for your but the best father I could have asked for.
You do realise he is my son? You don’t even talk to him about me as his mother, just about me as a child. HE IS MY SON and not yours. I will never forgive you for this. I was a good mother and you know it! I learnt from your mistakes already and you will see that in the end you are alone while I am closer than you and I have ever been to my son.
You will be seeing me soon.
Sadly I’m pretty adversed to heartbreak and the human condition letting me down. I have little experience though when it comes to people being who they say they are and coming through for me when I need it. Why? Simply because they care.
I realise that I have to get used to people treating me with kindness and respect. But can you blame me for resisting anything human in my life at this point? It’s so much easier to say than to put into practice which is a weird concept to get your head around especially when that is all I have ever wanted. What is that? A safe space to be me around people who don’t want to just gain from me or use me for a brief moment.
A little while ago a friend said to me ‘I think we might have found a life long friendship here’. I think he was right because as I find myself down in the dumps and in need of somewhere to stay again he gives me a big hug in the drive way and says ‘you know you always have a place to stay here for as long as you need’. Wow!
Wouldn’t that be nice had that been the fairytale beginning of the end? The chapter right before that song plays and I’m happy, my son is returned and ever after is in full swing. No f#*%ing way dude this is my life we’re talking about. Just as I feel like it might be a good time for me to breathe, life and the human condition come flying back at me with a vicious snake-like attack. Once again someone else shows me how much they really don’t care.
As an added bonus the daylight hours seem to be now bombarded with phone calls from my recent failure telling me he loves me and will I stick by him. It brings more meaning to my favourite phase ‘I would rather smash my face into the concrete repeatedly than continue this conversation’.
Wow is about the only word that comes to mind at this point. I’m unsure at this point if that means, ‘wow people are messed up’ or ‘wow you seriously still have faith in humans?’. Am I the crazy one or is it them? You know what they say about common denominators and ‘hello’ that would be me in this case.
I so want to find myself in a place where I am writing something even slightly positive! There’s nothing like a permanent resting bitch face to go with these very attractive emotional & physical scars! What a catch I’ve become.
Thank you world and screw you!
This one goes out to a woman who has at times been closer to me than anyone before. In a way I wish I could say the closeness was one based on emotion but this one is more the fact that I spent those first vital months incubated by her. Taking all of that into consideration it amazes me how close we have never been and how cold she has always been towards me.
It’s become clear to me over the past few months to be a good mother I never needed to have one. Also that her reasons for never wanting to be close to me or have the kind of love I have for my son is not my fault. It probably has nothing to do with me at all.
Knowing all of this is in a way is comforting and I’ve been able to blame myself less. At the same time it is hard to not take personally sometimes.
They say it’s only her missing out but if that were my child I’d be proud I think. It hasn’t been the easiest ride but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s made me independent, hardworking, stronger, determined, opinionated and so much more. The life so far has not been a walk in the park for me but I’ve made it this far on my own and feel pretty proud of myself. Yes it’s true you are the one to miss out and knowing who I am I guess it’s a shame as I think I’m worth having in someone’s life. What you think and what you know and what is real could be so far from reality it’s not funny.
It’s just sad that you can’t see who I’ve become or the things I am doing. I have found my voice and I have been using it. I started my own business and have created a unique idea that so far is one of a kind. I have raised money and donated my art and time to awareness and simply because it’s the right thing to do. I started writing childrens books and will try to get support at a domestic violence conference coming up in December. I hope in the future they are part of the schooling curriculum so that children can better understand and recognise if they are living in a domestically violent situation. I am a good person who has a lot of love an I find it a shame you don’t want to know me.
After what has happened I won’t be able to have you in my life and that is a shame. I don’t know why you have chosen to punish me for a lifetime or why you get enjoyment out of setting me up to fail simply because I want to live my life my way. I am not here to make up for or to do over any of the mistakes from your life either so please go and live your own life. Unfortunately it will be we deserve to have and for that you can’t blame me.
When I think about how many times my worth has been proven to be less I feel deflated. It’s hard to keep getting back up each time even though I know who and what I am and what I have to offer.
From recently having dreamt an entire night? Albeit there were a few differences but only in the minor details. All that I know is that I dreamt the exact place, the exact people, the trip to the servo for fuel and the fact that the blonde chick in the back would offer to drive as it was late and I was tired and now meeting someone who appears to be my missing puzzle piece, I don’t really know what to think?
When things feel ‘off’ having to question whether it’s my own past failures setting this up for disaster or simply just another disaster waiting to happen is exhausting and I truly wonder if I will ever be happy.
One thing I have come to learn about humans is for most of them they fear the unknown or simply when they are unable to predict an outcome it causes high levels of stress and anxiety. Everything else in life you will find that the best way to assess the risk factors is to look to past behaviors or outcomes. However in love and relationships this can ultimately lead a couple into oncoming traffic. It seems however that they end up there for me anyway so what is the answer?
I’m finding I have less fight when it comes to my broken heart lashing out and sadly I think that is my self worth giving up the will to fight anymore. Time and time again the worse case scenario is the outcome and I’m beginning to wonder whether it is true and I don’t have as much to offer as I thought.
With this one though it feels different. For the sake of this all being for a reason I hope it turns out. Although we don’t share a similar taste in music, grew up differently and have had different lives it seems a case of that little person inside us is the same or searches for the same thing! He makes Aussie hiphop less horrible and he makes me want to try the things he likes because as well as myself now I want to see him happy.
Pain. When I look around lately it’s all I seem to see. A sea of faces from all walks in pain. One thing used to numb that pain bringing people who ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed paths together with one common goal in life. To numb that pain.
So is it a case of the world and it’s people being in more pain than ever or is this just a different crutch we use and humans have always felt this much pain?
I read up on the Great Depression earlier this year as I met a lovely lady who was in her 90’s. She had been apart of the Salvation Army since then and credited much of her surviving the Great Depression. She told me how she would sneak off and have morning tea provided by the Army and without that much needed food probably would have starved as food was scares. To this day she was eternally grateful for the opportunity she was given and enjoyed every opportunity she got to pay that kindness back.
How does that translate to today? Do we as people care more or less about those in pain? How do we stop so much pain or is it something we need to just accept will always exist? Is this the key to our journey being easier?
How do I make this journey easier for my son. It pains me to think of him feeling anything close to what I’ve felt thus far. I almost feel guilt for his existence as I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
More and more I have less answers. They say that the older we get the wiser we get but I question whether that is true.
I guess this is where I leave this one.
Even though most of my confidence has returned and my voice loader than it has ever been in the past I still struggle. I struggle to trust myself and my decision making when it comes to certain areas of my life.
Every now and again the universe throws me a curve ball in the form of someone that stops me in my tracks. They say that with age comes wisdom, well I have never felt so clueless in my life as I do right now. I wouldn’t say it was improving either because the older I get the more I throw my hands in the air and wonder ‘what the f#*k?.
I often wonder if this is another case of that part of me who still has faith in people or isn’t as broken by what has happened putting rose coloured glasses on me again? With a child like naivety that has lead me down a path I’ve traveled so many times before. It’s not because she wants me to fail but because she, in a way still believes in Santa and that when you become an adult you have all the answers. Unfortunately she is blind and this is in a way a good thing because she doesn’t let the past consume her driving people away.
I somewhat think there is a yin and yang effect happening and where one ‘hopeful and full of faith’ exists the polar opposite too must exist. That opposite doesn’t drive people away because she hates the world. More like a defense mechanism to protect while I repair any damage. Sadly due to past experience she does not discriminate, attacking anything that comes close just in case.
I know that they both need to exist but it’s a bit like watching your own life from an outside perspective. I find it hard to balance the two and probably end up looking crazy in the end. I know I feel crazy sometimes.
How do I trust what I’m feeling?
Now without this coming across as a ‘poor me’ speech, I do feel like I have not had the best luck. I never had a scrapbook or a vision of my ‘wedding day’ or anything like that. To be honest this is because I have a massive fear of standing in front of a bunch of people while they all quietly staring at me. Then I think to myself ‘I have to feed these people and I’m sure I don’t even like half of them’. This terrifies me and is the main reason I’ve never had that ‘special dress’ in the back of my mind. In no way am I shy it’s that I just do not like being the centre if attention.
The world has been my oyster for so long now but as each failed experience is added to the list the scars are beginning to show and I am tired. Nowadays I don’t trust myself or my judgement when it comes to men especially and I don’t know how to change that.
Ordinarily it can take me less than a minute to work a person out and very rarely, although it has been known to happened am I wrong. I have also been known to use this to my advantage in the past and I’d like to say it’s only been for good but let’s face it I’m only human. I do however feel that I am a good person and wish more than anything that there was only a need for the part of me who believes in happy endings, who loves love and all the nice warm fuzzy things in this world but that’s not realistic and she would never survive a minute out there alone.
When it comes to my own life though, for as much as I know I still find I am completely clueless it seems. Whether that is denial or I just don’t actually get it remains to be seen!
So if I feel one way how can I trust I haven’t found another dud or walked into another trap? Even though everything inside me screams ‘this is something’ and it looks to me like the other person has the same ‘good’ intentions how can I be sure? I try not to put myself in a position where I become dependent on someone and very much do my own thing but I would like to not become a lonely, cranky old spinster!
I read somewhere that telling someone my past, concerning domestic violence wasn’t a good idea. It was suggested that it makes us susceptible as we essentially ‘give away’ all the tricks we will and won’t put up with! Like telling a shark what time the seals swim and which one is injured. I see where they are coming from with that theory but when you blog about domestic violence, campaign for changes surrounding domestic violence and spend most days trying to make a change where you can it’s not exactly something you can hide!
Does that mean I’m destined to be alone?
I know that along the way I’ve met some woman effected by it and for lack of better words it seems they have become ‘man haters’. Now I don’t mean any disrespect and I wholeheartedly see where that has come from but I don’t think being born male makes you Domestically violent. For example I walked into a community domestic violence organization last year as I was donating some mirrors I had made for their walls. I had attended this service myself for assistance and while I was there I thought it was sad how bare their walls were. I had asked the caseworker why there was nothing and had they just moved? She told me it was because every cent goes to helping their clients and even that was a stretch at the best of times so even thinking about jazzing up the office was out of the questions. This is why I decided to donate something. I went in with a male friend who was helping me carry the mirrors and upon seeing him everyone’s ears seemed to prick up and they started saying ‘it’s ok he’s safe’ around the office. The friend of mine could feel the millions of eyes on him and felt like a freak in a freak show. I can remember thinking, ‘hold on he’s a person’ and wondered how they went out in the real world where men roam free!
It’s situations like this that led me to look into men who are the victims of domestic violence. If this is the reaction to a male presence at an outreach centre to someone who is not the victim or perpetrators then imagine being a male victim and getting this response. There is already a massive stigma surrounding men who speak out about being the victims of domestic violence. That coupled with a response like my friend helping me carry mirrors got I can only imaging would be devastating and extremely difficult to stomach. I dare say most men would give up and run away at that point. I don’t think that we can believe any of the statistics we have right now surrounding male victims of domestic violence. I believe there are more that are not documented than there are documented.
Growing up gets harder and harder it seems. Let’s hope this leads to a place where we are all a little bit kinder to one another!