What if your entire life as you knew it slowly fell apart piece by piece right in front of your eyes. When you got down to that last remaining dream did you hold onto it a little bit too long?
Last night I had that final dream was handed to me by a lovely woman. I already knew what it was before it began. I held on because I wasn’t sure how I’d cope when there was nothing left of my former life. None of the faces are the same, none of the places are the same. I am essentially carving out an uncharted path for myself, one done seemingly alone.
The things we fear the most have already happened to us. So how does that apply to me?
Abandoned by all those close to me?
My childhood was one lacking in a lot of crucial elements that make up a healthy functioning human. A loveless marriage that I’ve always felt was my fault. They met on their birthday in January and by December I was here.
My first memory is from when I was about maybe 3 years old. My father was screaming at my mother in the kitchen. I don’t remember it exactly but I get the feeling she was smacked around. I remember it being dark and early in the morning. I can remember feeling terrified but still quietly getting out of my bed and sneaking out to see what was happening.
My father had always had an unpredictable rage. Sometimes he will be laughing and wrestling with us and then without warning he would snap. It was at the point he’d had enough but there was no warning as to when that would happen. The smallest thing could set him off, sometimes nothing I did at all. He might have had something go wrong at work or maybe an unpleasant phone call. He would appear screaming and looking to unleash that anger on someone or something smaller than himself. I don’t know if that gave him a sense of power or what but a lot of the time my sister and I were the targets!
There was about 4 years between my younger sister and I. Our parents split when I was about 5 so she was just a baby. Whenever he stormed through the house in a rage I can remember dragging my sister into his bedroom and putting her inside the cupboard. I would barricade the door shut and call my mother. His room had a telephone in it and you could see out the windows of his bedroom to the street. He would be raging and screaming as I made the frantic phone call to my mother to come and get us. I can remember hanging up the phone, convinced she was coming to get us. She never showed up. By the time I was about 7 I knew that if I ran up the hill he would tire more than down the hill.
I spent a good chunk of my life being terrified of that temper. Luckily for me by my early 20’s I’d already given up on being ‘daddy’s little girl’. I accepted the fact that I didn’t need my fathers love of acceptance to be a whole person. I thought I’d been lucky and that although it had left significant damage to my identity I had finally been freed of it. It’s not until now that I realized that although my conscious mind had been strong and stood up to my father, my unconscious, little voice in the back which is quiet but really runs the show would shape probably every relationship I was to have to date. Coupled with the cold and distant relationship with my mother this was a recipe for disaster and in my case make me someone that has severe abdomen issues, severe anxiety with sometimes debilitating panic attacks and severe depression. Not to mention a substance abuse problem periodically. Most exciting of all in about 2005 I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
What is borderline personality disorder?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.
While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. Most people who have BPD suffer from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior, and unstable relationships
Other disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse and other personality disorders can often exist along with BPD
Research on the causes and risk factors for BPD is still in its early stages. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental influences are likely to be involved.
Certain events during childhood may also play a role in the development of the disorder, such as those involving emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Loss, neglect and bullying may also contribute. The current theory is that some people are more likely to develop BPD due to their biology or genetics and harmful childhood experiences can further increase the risk.
So does this ring true when looking at my personality? Do I struggle to regulate my emotions? Does my life feel in turmoil a lot of the time? Am I impulsive? Am I at time reckless?
Well Yes, yes, yes and yes.
Does it resonate to a lot of my relationships? Has this been an issue effected all of my relationships? Are my relationships unstable? And do I suffer from some of the other issues that coincided with BPD?
Again yes, possibly, yes and well yes.
Could it possibly be all my undoing or for lack of a better word, my fault when it comes to the breakdown and tumultuous nature of my relationships? Or is it a case of me choosing the familiar and dysfunctional relationships which were my examples as a child?
Now please don’t think I am blaming myself entirely for the breakdown. I take 50% responsibility in nearly all cases. This is me questioning what drives me to self sabotage resulting in the one thing I am most afraid of…… abandonment!
The mind works in mysterious ways.
Since learning more and more about BPD I have tried to be more aware of these things. I have tried to voice my thoughts and feelings to my partners to help them better understand where my head is at in an attempt to calm the storm before interrupts. I have tried to be less impulsive and be more honest, open and understanding.
So could this be a case of me not being consciously aware that the ‘familiar’ characteristics shown to me as a child are the reason I seek out a particular type of partner?
Now what do I do with this realization?
Now back to the beginning of this latest rant. The last remaining dream I had was shattered last night. After 14 year of friendship, a few romantic goes at it and a whole lot of fun and memories, I lost someone very dear to me. No if you are wondering he didn’t die. He did however choose to take the path of a boy rather than the man I know he can be. All nasty things said aside, I know the truth whether you want to believe it or not! I know this is a reaction to you being scared SH but this is more than you and I’m tired of the ‘SH Show’ where I don’t even exist.
Sometimes in life though our actions whether we want to or not damage people.
But they do say ‘we always hurt the ones we love’. But for me I don’t want to be loved that way. I am better than that and deserve someone amazing in my life! You taught me that!! Although this is the end of this horrible little love story it seems. Thank you and good luck!