Often when we find ourselves in a never ending cycle of let downs and feel like there isn’t one decent man left on the planet. Sometimes we are just looking in the wrong place. It’s the theory of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different outcome. It’s not as simple as a good man is born a good man, stays a good man and then dies a good man. The same goes for mistakes. We are human and that’s what we do. We make mistakes. A lot of the knowledge I have today was born from making all the mistakes first. I am pretty stubborn and know that even when I see the outcome, for the life of me I need to make the mistakes so I can learn the lesson.
There were no issues, no bad words, nothing preventing me from reaching out to this person when things were tough. To be honest I simply just didn’t think about it or consider it. Without going into too much regret I wonder why I had not just thought to rock up as I did tonight. Maybe things might have been different for me. I also don’t want to say that too loudly in case he ever reads this. I would never want him to feel bad because he was not to know. I saw his face and noticed his lack of eye contact as I delved into the unpleasantries of the past few years.
In the space of five minutes I probably felt a lifetimes more love from you than I had from my own father over the past 32 years. You got me a jumper which was enormous but was so warm. I forget just how much you tower over me between visits.
As much as I know men should respect me and I should at the very least expect that for myself it’s hard when it’s not shown to you from the beginning. I said this to someone just yesterday, that even though we don’t want negative people or unhealthy relationships as part of our lives sometimes they are familiar to us and in a way ‘safe’ as we can predict the outcome. Just like change is difficult so is accepting that people may actually care about us for no other reason than they care. We have been taught for so long, by so many that we are worthless. We just didn’t realized that at some point we started to believe it too. That’s why we run scared or push away anything and anyone who challenges that thought. Surly it must be a trick right? How is it they could actually think we are worth something when everyone else showed us we are not? The bigger question now is what’s wrong with this weirdo who must have a hidden agenda?
So to my most amazing, beautifully kind and caring yet terrifying godfather this story is in honor of you. You worried so much about me in such a short space of time which is something I’ve been missing in my life for sometime now. You worried if I had train fare, if I was safe, where I was living, who I was living with, if I had food, if I was eating health as I was now on my own, that I was waking the streets at night and so much more. You made me a coffee, kept me warm, offered me a place to stay whenever I needed it and lifts to the train station because you cared about my safety and just simply loved me for me.
Although you have been the best friend for longer than my lifetime to someone who I know must be suffering his own form of trauma, unfortunately caused significant damage to my self worth and a huge reason maybe I find myself trapped in this cycle of insanity. I in no way think he was like this because of anything I have ever done nor do I think he was once a little boy who couldn’t wait to grow up and damage his daughters. Damage them to a point they adopted a skewed image of what love is. Leaving them with what could if not dealt with be a lifetime of abuse. Abuse because that is all they have known.
I am not perfect and have caused my own dramas within my life. I don’t pass that onto anyone. The past cannot be changed but we can prevent the future from being too much worse than it has to be!
There is someone else who challenges me at the moment. I call him a boy but he is technically older than me. He is not fooled in anyway by my ability to wrap around my little finger. Technically he is smarter than me and I guess, cocky as it sounds doesn’t happen very often. Contrary to poplar belief I like it! A lot! A lot of the time I have used it to either fill the boredom or just punish them for getting too close. I know I scare the shit out of him and to be honest he does the same to me. If that’s the case then why does he make me feel safer than I have done for a long time? That is until he runs scared as it caused me to do the same sometimes although I am getting better at it the more I age!! I wonder just how ridiculous we look to the outside world without even realizing it ourselves?
So what do you get when you combine the two? Could it be something truly amazing or something that could put out the sun? Honestly I do not have a clue in the end. But for now the storm is brewing!