Life more and more presents itself to me as a scary and lonely experience. Often it seems as if the time and effort we put into people is wasted. I don’t know about you but I feel like I’m the only person who ‘gets it’. Then again a crazy person doesn’t know they are crazy so I often wonder if that’s the case. Judgmental, hypercritical, Self righteousness and the list goes on. I swear the masses only care about hearing the sound of their own voices. Very seldom do the thoughts, opinions or feelings of others come into their decision making processes. When it does it’s seemingly lost on the ones who not only do not deserve it but the ones that cause some of the greatest damage to our precious inner broken child who wants for nothing more than to just fit in and not be alone.
So what’s the point of all of this? No fucking clue. I can’t pretend that I get it and that within these blogs you will find answers to help you within your own lives. It’s somewhat like my ability to recognize the problems within my situation. I am very good at or at least ‘I believe’ that I am very good at recognizing my strengths and weaknesses when it comes to recognizing the problems and patterns I follow in my life. Is that really the case though? For some reason I can’t seem to stop the pattern from reoccurring so am I delusional or simply choosing the path which is familiar to me even though it’s not healthy or damaging to me. Am I in denial? If I really was so good at ‘owning my shit’ you’d think I’d choose a wiser option next time but here we are at day 1,887.
What does that number mean?
It’s the amount of days since the first major act of physical violence at the hands of my sons father. Even though domestic violence is more than physical and I now see that it probably occurred long before it became physical, I guess it was the first thing I documented. The first thing that made me kinda click and think to myself ‘I need to write this down’. The first time I knew I might need this information at a later date.
Even though this life has been a struggle thus far. I wouldn’t change a thing. I have met some really great people along the way. At the same time I’ve met some of the most damaged and most damaging.
Talking to a lady whom I crossed paths with simply by chance last night has made me think that maybe I’m following a behavioral pattern? Or is it a case of apophenia and maybe I’m just seeing the face of Jesus in my toast? What ever the case I have always enjoyed learning more about people and myself. It seemed that her outlook on life and early experiences were similar to my own. So do our early experiences indicate who we will become later in life? Are there only a few outcomes within the spectrum that we as humans become? Have I found mine? She told me openly that she was initially hesitant when it came to being open and honest with me. I thought to myself ‘wow I do that too’. So have I met myself later in life? Can I learn anything from getting to know her? Most experiences I have I look to find the things I can change but to be honest I found her open, honest, kind, funny, caring and the list goes on. I wonder if she is all those things and we are very similar then is there anything I’d want to change about myself after meeting her?
Whatever the case I’m excited to send her some of my stuff and to read what she sends me. I know that I am a person that is kind with someone’s ‘inner child’ so if she is like me then at least this will be an experience, that for once in my life hopefully won’t end in disaster or me being left out in the cold like so many other times.
Who knows what the future holds for us all. I do hope it’s a little more happiness and healthy interactions.
Why do I wish for something something as farcical as wishing for ‘world peace’?
Well these people are raising children that one day will be the world my son lives in. I want him to worry about simplistic things, not whether he is the loneliest person in the world. Not question the motives of everything and everyone that comes into his life. I don’t want him to be scared, I don’t want him to feel alone and I certainly don’t want him to ever feel the way I do.
Today is Monday 9th July 2018. Let’s hope that things get better for us all!
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 