Post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, panic attacks? Call it what you want it’s a mind field of confused half thoughts and edginess. I find my rope getting shorter and shorter. Please don’t make mindless chit chat with me because I have that much going on I may scream at you even though it’s not your fault. Now I try to make the best of any situation and on even an average day I consider the fact my disorder has a name to be a positive thing. I figure, ‘at least I’m not alone, obviously other people have it so that’s why someone took the time to name it’.
Right?
Current state of mind is, ‘oh wow am I ever going to get a chance at a real life or am I destined to live in this space?’ So I watched a documentary on death row in mate Robert James Roberts a few weeks ago (yes I have a slight fascination of serial killers) and he said something that resonated with me. He said ‘no one said life was meant to be easy’ and I guess he’s right. Roberts initially went to prison 10 days before turning 17 on burglary charges but over his 10 year sentence he’d clocked up another almost 100 years as a result of trying to escape. Due to being anything but a model inmate and I quote, ‘I used to stab dudes and stuff’ he had lost almost all privileges. As a result of the humiliation by guards and sheer boredom he decided that premeditated murder was the answer to ending up on death row and putting him out of his misery.
So when can see the finish line and getting there seems impossible at times how do I make that possible before feeling the need to go postal? I only have good intentions but I’m a bit sick of the blind eye being turned to shit behaviour all as a result of nothing more than no one giving a shit.
I consider situations such as my son being kidnapped two and a half years ago. Now as far as I knew it, kidnapping was one of those things you shouldn’t do because you’d probably end up in a lot of trouble. Turns out it’s not really. Turns out when you are the legal guardian of a child and let’s say a grandparent won’t return your child or even let you on the property to collect your child, this is without orders in place the police won’t really do anything about it. No sorry they will make a phone call but that’s it. Why? Because they don’t give a shit!
I’m beginning to see that this bizarre occurrence which I’ve often pointed out within these blogs is actually bigger than I once thought!
What’s that?
Simply the massive difference between what is said to our faces as truth and then the real truth of what’s going on.
Possibly my diluted ‘Disney like’ thoughts actually extend further than I once thought?
Now I initially thought this was only the case when you consider relationships but it seems my eyes are being opened more and more to the world around me. To my surprise it seems this is the reality in nearly all aspects of our lives. What the hell is going on people? Why are we accepting the bullshit we are fed as truth?
So I ask again, ‘Is happiness just a bullshit idea Disney gave us to never live up to so we’d forever be miserable and never realise our full potential?’
Maybe I’m being over dramatic but in my experience it’s ok to kidnap a child without a legal right. It’s ok to take pictures of your penis on your own sons toys and send it to his mother as nothing will be done about it. It’s ok to not follow family court orders and the list goes on.
I mean in the end if people aren’t making excuses for the shit behaviour then they’re simply putting their heads in the sand. When did it become the ‘norm’ to be so spineless?
When I look at myself as a person I find that people either love me and they get me or they really don’t.
Why is that?
Because I know what I stand for. I know what I expect as a minimum requirement if you want to exist in my life. I don’t need everyone to like me or to sit on the fence for that to happen. I don’t need to be polite when something I think is an injustice occurs especially within my space. I do not turn a blind eye to poor behaviour because they might think differently of me. I will speak up and make you uncomfortable by making an issue and I don’t care who you are. I care about the people within my life and will have their back if someone or something threatens them or their happiness. I don’t need everyone to see me as perfect. I don’t need everyone to like me to be a whole person as I understand that in this life not everyone will click and unless it’s needed I’m not rude about it as it shouldn’t be a big deal.
I’m beginning to think that I’m the crazy one because my approach to life and my way of thinking doesn’t seem to be shared by the masses. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and I thought everyone did this. Did this all start out as white lies but now it’s somehow reality? I don’t know but I’m really struggling with it at the moment or at least struggling to work out how most people aren’t so bothered by all of this. Is it my borderline personality playing up here or what? How is it that easy to bend over and just cop a big fat ‘screw you’ from the world all the time? Especially when you know you don’t deserve it?
In the end it all comes back to the fear of the unknown and not being able to control my reality. I’m moving forward but the fear does set me back and tonight I’ve found my trusty old earphones are back on the scene. When the world gets too overwhelming and the I’ve got too much going on that something as simple as the everyday noises of life suddenly throws me into panic. The only thing to bring me back and not completely boil over is blasting music to helps me focus.
Well it’s Friday night and I’m getting stuck into my business model after my business strategy meeting with the lovely Martin today. Thank you for working through your lunch break and for giving me an extra 45 min of your time for free! It’s nice when people can see your vision and give their time for no reason at all.
All I have to do now is magically find $990 to make it all a reality and I’m sweet. Technicalities but I’m not giving up yet!
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 