Earlier this year I had the heart breaking decision to give up on someone that is loved for half my life.
He was a serial pest when it came to woman and keeping it in his pants. The sad reality is he was someone I met in my late teens, dated in my early 20’s and after we broke up we happened to stay friends. He was also the only partner I ever had who wasn’t physically violent toward me and while not always being the sweetest, in fact he did call me names a lot jokingly, he was not abusive in any of the classic ways. He was also the exception to them all and actually bought me a birthday gift a few times and while you couldn’t class him as a romantic he unfortunately was the benchmark I have set it seems. I look back now at how low the standards were set for what seems my entire dating career. I now wonder if by chance I ended up with this guy by accident because he was actually nice to me once or twice. If you look at my history it’s as if I have vetted the men in my life and only ever chosen the worst of the worst. My father. (I know I’ve talked about my ‘daddy issues’ before but these posts start with an idea and have a mind of their own and this is where this one has chosen to go)
Back to my story;
All those years ago I became really close with his family as we lived with them while saving up for our own place. I was not close with my mother or father so I became to his parents. They weren’t without their issues but it was always foreign to me, the family dynamic. I was close to my stepdad but the relationship I had with both of my parents was always one that had a distinct coldness to it. It always felt awkward so it was avoided it as much as I could. Even when I tried to reach out or see a movie or anything it was hard worn and had to be forced rather than occur naturally.
So after all this heart break and all of the grieving I did for this ‘love’ I lost, I ran into him last night at the pub. Just like his ‘juvenile’ self he was dressed like a ‘shady character’ if you catch my drift? He had his ridiculous shoes and sunglasses accompanied by his bum bag around his neck. I asked why he was like all those years ago putting every cent through a machine and wouldn’t sitting down and having some dinner and a drink be a better option? He said ‘I just gotta put this back through this machine’.
I suddenly realized he was still 19 it seems. They do say when you introduce drugs to an adolescent male brain they no longer progress mentally and he clearly hasn’t gone anywhere. What devastated me earlier this year suddenly became a god send because I dont need this in my life. I am not attracted to 19 year old boys anymore in the future I am looking for a man of my own ago. I know within myself I have changed since then. My priorities have changed, my looks have changed and I’m ok with that. I don’t want to be the 19 year old girl still and the plus one to this thing I see before me. I’d rather walk around the markets with someone or play outside with my son. The time has passed for acting like a stupid teenager. I am a mother and now an adult.
Although my life is a mess still I am working towards something stable. I get since having my son that life is more about experience and less about money and stuff.
Like I said take me to Eat Street Markets any day of the week. I’d rather walk around while laughing and getting to know each other ‘weirdness’ instead. Maybe this is a subtle hint to someone lol you know who you are! You’re wasting time right now waiting until you are in a position to take me out somewhere and buy me dinner or to be the hero. I’m not looking for a hero and I can buy my own dinner because I am my own hero! I’m looking for someone to be my friend and my equal fundamentally not my savior!
While we are so smart on one hand it seems we are dumb at life! Thanks for continually trying and taking the time to challenge me as I do more than you know learn from life experience! In the end if nothing I will be a little bit closer to a more healthy minded me and that gets to be more and more of case as each day passes.
To my past love I don’t know what else to say other than thank you for help shaping who I am today. Thank you for being the exception to them all as you gave me a glimpse of what it could be like if I just had a better option of myself. I wish you all the best wherever you end up but for the 19 year version you seem to still be it won’t be with me.
Carly XoXo
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 