I don’t even know where to begin with this one! Other than ‘ha ha funny play on words hey?’ Honestly that’s the best I could come up with!
These usually have a somewhat ‘whimsical’ feel to them. They usually detail the somewhat unbelievable and bizarre trail we found ourselves on. This one is just pissing me off to be honest. The message I sent you, well it’s the truth. Well it is at least from my perspective. I guess I figure if I’m never to be then I at least want to be a memory that lasts a lifetime. One that they look back upon every now again with a huge smile and wonder ‘what ever happened to that scattered little fairy who kidnapped me and took me on a magical journey!’.
Blaa blaa blaa and then there’s you! I am doing my best to not lash out because none of this feeing is your fault. If anything to date you have been the nicest, the sweetest, most real, most understanding, most bravely open and honest, completely real at times without much hindering you and the list could go on for days it would seem. Let’s not forget the funniest.
This anger actually comes from me wondering if the ‘universe’ just hates me? I had already made peace with it quite some time ago but it seems that’s not good enough.
I wrote just 4 days ago one of these titled, ‘Where have all the cowboys gone?’. In a nut shell it was me likening myself to the artist Paula Cole who released a song of that very title in 1997. Just a decade apart it would seem. The ‘sly, somewhat sarcastic complaint about how the search for something other than the empty ‘cliches’ definition is of love still hasn’t resulted in success.’
It was a message from me to someone who also showed me a lot of the things you have. In true irony I am finding you are all getting nicer and all of those positive things I probably needed a long time ago. This comes at a time when I am capable of helping the least. It also makes it that little bit harder to say good bye at the end because I have so many little odd bits of confidence now that wasn’t there before and I have each one of you to thank as you are all responsible for its existence. I came to accept my role or at least a good reason to explain what happens next. I just don’t fall, therefore I don’t need to get back up. I’m not sure if I even know what it feels like anymore. It’s been messed with to the point I don’t trust it’s judgement.
So to the cutest, most ticklish, funniest, beautifully sweet yet lost soul….
Where the effing hell did you come from?
No I’m not suggesting that thanks settle down! Like I said I don’t trust it’s judgement anymore. Plus I have some messed up ‘Disney dream’ of finding a ‘best friend’ who is my equal and in the end as one passes away the other dies of a broken heart or spend shit. Yeh wow I know. So that thought would be nice but let’s face it, it’s delusional it would seem!
Wait. In reality I’m not actually sure of what the hell I’m saying at all, just ‘wow DV all day’. Don’t flatter yourself or do I’m easy and you do deserve good things and to be happy. This is more of a ‘I’m so sorry I can’t help you more than I am right now. I am usually better at this.’
Truth?
I’m not ok either at the moment. None of it makes sense. I miss my son. I’m tired of fighting my own family to be myself and for what I’m saying to be heard. I’m not doing any of it right. I’m lost too. I truly am sorry I can’t be of more help. Thank you for the little adventures, it’s made it possible for my head to stop for a while and for me to breathe. I loved giggling until we made things soft for some reason? _____[insert profound statement which gives us some direction or just makes some sense of this coz I’ve got nothing]____.
Lastly I made you this…..
I feel it sums it up nicely don’t you?
Well? Ok I will let you off this time. Like I said I can see you are so incredibly ’emotionally intelligent’ as a person but it seems you struggle to turn it into words. I am pretty confident you get my drift I hope! However if you do come up with something please let me know. At present I’ve got absolutely nothing here and that’s probably a first!
I mean have a look at how much I can write about having no idea. Imagine if I had one? Scary novel perhaps?
I’m not saying good bye now just getting out the fact I’m also where you are so you’re not alone. When does it stop? I think we will know what maybe?
Ok just because I feel it’s not fair to not mention the adventure here it is. The initial uncomfortable as hell introduction coupled with accusations of previous and secretive ‘super chinesness’ between us which i’d like to set the record straight by saying is simply not true! Bold, blatant and somewhat opprobrious references to something we have now established is a disability and discrimination is alive and well on that front! Test driving a grave site and realising they are probably not worth the money considering the creature comforts. Feeling as if we were getting eaten by mosquitoes EVERYWHERE we went, so many Eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses and my personal favourite, brushing of ones hair/non existent hair behind ones ear in an endearing fashion. Random bodies of water, so much cuteness, possibly a preplanned makeshift bed on the water but astroturf? Unbeknownst to you taking me to a house that someone frequents, that one I’m guessing had even better odds than a needle in a hay stack, incredible actually to the point I couldn’t even get mad! Lol. Making it weird pretty much the entire time and that being so funny I kinda wish I was doing it now. Brief ‘theft’ maybe if two times vehicles and the old ‘threw me shoulder out bro’ classic which I’m sure was executed with so much grace. Pointing at everything! Yep funny! Some treasured Kodak moments…, not! Something so cute and ticklish that now I’m not even sure if it was real or I made it up in my head?? It was hell cute is all! But mostly the incredibly infectious giggles and the rest, you know which bits they are!
So yeh!
Enjoy!
Hopefully see you soon sweet pea!
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DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 