I met someone who spoke about an important relationship in their past not working due to the fact they were almost yin and yang when it came to the way they lived their lives. It was suggested that a relationship between two polar opposites was impossible and doomed right from the start to ever work due to that fact. So is it possible for the police officer and the career criminal to make it work? Or is that example too much of an extreme? Possibly Romeo & Juliette? Now they were from two opposing families but essentially their upbringings were in line with each other. The issue being their feuding families placing them in opposition to each other.
Fundamentally we all seek out a partner for the same reasons, or at least most of us do. To fulfill our desire for things such as experience greater connection, security, love, support, comfort, sex etc. When you have the addition of someone completely different to yourself I would think it adds a sustained levels of passion and possibly excitement to things? I would think that if you are a person who is strong willed and opinionated it would keep the ‘fight alive’, thus making it exciting for an extended period of time?
What could be wrong with finding someone so similar to ourselves when relationships are involved? I know I have almost met myself just in male form before which was scary. I took away from those chance encounters an insight into what people deal with on a daily basis having had to put up with me!!!
I would however think that a couples core values would have to be in line for it to work! Possibly this extends to something like religious beliefs? I am not too sure as I have been subjected to years of catholic school and walked away with an agnostic view on the issue. All but one ex partner I have had in the past were non believing. I was ok with him having a belief but I wasn’t pleased about it being rammed down my throat! It was a case of ‘keep it to yourself’ and obviously as I am single it didn’t work out for us. I would say children and the importance of them to a relationship would be a big one? As well as marriage, money and what importance it is place upon as well. A big one for me and probably others is the issue of fidelity. I am sure there are more but these are the ones that immediately come to mind.
Now I am in no way an expert on relationships and to be honest, I completely suck at it! So when it comes to my past failed relationships, it is them or me? Well both probably. There are a few of the above I place importance upon but in my opinion, I have always struggled with being able to ‘do my own thing’ within a relationship. I have a long history of men who have been quite jealous, possessive, controlling, angry, unfaithful and really unhappy with themselves. I have struggled to be myself, or at least feel uncomfortable to be myself. I found that more often than not I was always apologizing when I haven’t done anything wrong. They have come from all walks of life, none of them have ever looked similar but I guess the one thing hey had in common was they were funny! Is that humorous side hiding the darkness though?
So in our quest for true love and that happily ever after where are we going wrong? What is the recipe for success? Whether it’s similarities or polar opposites that are the key to success, then what needs to exist for it to have a chance? What are the right questions we need to ask someone we think might be the one? What traits do they need to embody to make the recipe just right?
In my opinion and what I believe for my own situation is that it’s a ‘best friend’ type I need to find. Someone who gives me the space to do my own thing when it comes to working and really the stamp I leave on the world. At the same time I want them to have my back when I need it. Someone I can tell all the gossip and secrets to without feeling judged or betrayed. I believe that as I am strong willed and opinionated that my other half should be the same. Knowing what I need means that I also need to be able to offer that in return. I know I don’t want to dominate someone, change who they are or be in a relationship where I am the centre of the universe.
Whether I actively or better yet subconsciously search for my best friend type is questionable sometimes! They talk about common denominators and yes it is blaringly obvious that the main one is me!!
Is any of this the key to ending the cycle of violence in my life thus far? So to my new friend, 1985, also unlucky in love. Whilst giving me food for thought on my 40 min train ride to work this morning what is your opinion? Should you be so brave to speak out! Or are we both just destined to scratch our heads while telling our friends ridiculous tales of love gone so horribly sideways for eternity?
Do we really teach people how to treat us?
If so, why is that the outcome they arrive at in the end?
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 