What is friendship? It should mean caring and understanding for someone outside your family circle. In a sense the creation of an extended family. The beautiful thing is you get to enjoy the highs and lows of someone’s life, such as their kids growing up with yours and as it is a relationship by choice rather than blood it can be very much a better fit than the ones forced upon you by birth.
I lost a very good friend about 2 years ago after over 20 years friendship. While we weren’t always joined at the hip and did spend periods in different friendship circles we managed to always gravitate back towards each other. From best friends in year 3 and sleeping over at each other’s house every week end to becoming mothers of our first children the same year. This I’m not going to touch on as it is a painful reminder.
So if we gravitate back towards each other then why do I talk about her like it’s final? Well when my life fell apart in 2016, I’m sure I was painful and hearing about it all the time was hard work but she chose to turn a blind eye and sadly I haven’t heard from her since. I did see her at the shopping centre where she worked on her lunch break at one point. I drew a line in the sand when she almost waked straight through me as I tried to say hi.
I like to think I am a realistic person at the end of the day. I feel my ability to be understanding of others and the world around me is pretty fair. I get that she had her own life and I’m not expecting anything really other than maybe just for her to say ‘oh hi’ that day. Or just a text every couple of months to say ‘love you and thinking about you’. While it’s easy to be a new friend keeping long-standing friendships is hard. I have a couple of special friends who do this and even though I usually steer away from naming people I think these ones deserve to know how much good their little bit of love does in keeping me on track!
So to my very dear and longtime friends, Mandy and Kristy!! I am forever grateful for your messages every couple of months and I love you guys. This is a rough journey forever made that little bit easier thanks to you guys! I hope to repay the favour or at least live up to the very high standard you’ve set! I hope you and your beautiful little families are doing ok and I can’t wait to get back to fun times watching our kids play together again.
So when it comes to being a friend? Have I always been the best example? Probably not. I have from time to time maybe been someone I couldn’t consider worthy of being on the list next to the above two names but in all honesty I’ve probably dropped the ball more times than not. That doesn’t dishearten me or make me want to just give up! It certainly doesn’t make me want to set out to screw a friend over or anyone who doesn’t at least deserve it! You know who you are. Part of me feels responsible for bringing you two together that day. I have already made the comment to you ‘you don’t even do a good job at being an a#*hole because your response is still, no matter how hard you try understanding and caring’. Right now you are playing a character you and I both know is not the real you.
I’m not going to take back the last thing I wrote because I still believe it to be true. People make mistakes, in the end it’s what you do about it. While this was not really a ‘thing’ and I’m not hurt or upset as a friend can I tell you, dick move dude! Bicycles shouldn’t be ridden by that many people! I mean who am I to point finders? I feel like I try and have a little bit of class, this is why I pay my way and believe I should be able to support myself. I don’t know if I could live with myself or at least respect myself if people spoke about me that way.
In retrospect he was more ‘real’ than you were. Despite his life being in a really shitty position at the time which I’m guessing has become a little harder now he at least had a grasp on reality and the world around him. He also had a healthier self worth than you obviously do because he did not need the ‘hero’ statements or the bullshit glossed over crap that falls out of your mouth from time to time. Don’t get me wrong I get why it exists but you don’t need to hurt others because you obviously want to punish yourself. He is brave enough to say ‘here’s me, flaws and all’ which in reality tells me he is so much further in the right direction when it comes to ‘healthy self esteem and self worth’. I don’t think he has much to be jealous of at this point, maybe it’s you who should be jealous of him.
In the end I’d be more like him than you. The saddest part is and I don’t know if you’ve noticed it but I’m guessing he doesn’t let people in very often. He seems quiet and reserved most of the time, almost like there’s not much going on at all with him but if you dig even just the smallest bit you find someone who is weird, funny, smart as hell, kind and would have your back in a second. All it seems he asks for is that you don’t screw him over and maybe just be a genuine person! At the same time he seems lost and disheartened but not sufficiently broken that he has turned into what I describe an ‘aberration’ with behaviours similar to the ones you appear to be displaying. They are all consuming, soul destroying creatures who are incapable of ever feeling any genuine human connection. Much like the one you have found yourself shacked up with at present and one that sadly appears to have done a number on his life for sometime now. While I didn’t know him all that long he did become extremely open and real with me almost immediately and it’s not something I take lightly. These things can be lost in people and never return so they need for them to be treated with the up most respect.
When we were with you that day, I noticed him a couple of times look over at me like he was uneasy but glad I was there to have his back. For all that he is and what he himself is capable of it’s a pretty devastating realisation that something as simple as the ‘human condition’ can turn a person ordinarily seen as terrifying into someone who almost feels safer having a tiny 5’5″ girl in a situation to have his back. Realistically what can I do? Other than actually have his back?
Well in the interest of practicing what I preach I felt the need to write this. You know what you are doing is pretty low so I’m guessing that’s why you are in a sense hiding? Yes this is my platform but it seems like the best way to have a message reach you because I know you read these.
So what to say? You know already though. That’s the saddest part. Having to explain it or better yet say it out load like you are an idiot isn’t pleasurable for me in the slightest. I don’t enjoy treating people I care about like morons but right now that’s how you’re acting. Most people turn a blind eye to almost anything. I am not one of those people.
I know you get it and your attempt at ‘destroying your life’ because you don’t think you deserve anything good is probably a waste of time maybe? It would be a shame if you lost anymore time not being ok with you because I know you are! You’re a pussy who is just too scared to do it because you care too much about what others think. Now I know you don’t have what a lot of them have and that is a need to be a ‘hero’. You do genuinely care about people and I’d like to believe you genuinely care about me. Despite it feeling like I was making a fool of myself because I’m not your typical female, I’m going to turn up and make a scene thinking that will win your heart. In reality it you want to act that way I don’t particularly want to waste my time with you. I genuinely know what I’m worth and it’s not to waste my time of someone that behaves the way you do. I’m not afraid to say it as I don’t care who it is or how it looks because just like the girl who yelled at you and you followed around like a lost puppy the first time you met her I will stand up for myself and put you in your place when you need it. I did turn up to the shed because I do have a genuine concern about something and not sure where to go. You told me to do that if I needed and I believed that! Like I said I don’t ask for help very often. This is not one I can use my powers on and no it’s not my doing. This concerns two people trying to make their lives better but an outside force who was set to oppress one of them and stomp the other one out for helping him because he does not want to let go. I emphasise the fact that safety is of the up most importance.
I know you saw me and that’s probably why you ran off like a coward. The young guy in the car was my brother and even he said ‘you looked scary but you were still very nice’ so it’s not just me who sees the truth. Her on the other hand he described as more of a banshee so let’s ask ourselves, ‘what’s the pay off?’. Is the need to destroy your life that great?
If and when you run into each other again can you look him in the eye knowing what you did? Say what you want but I witnessed both of you choose to switch off from the outside world, forfeiting that so called ‘money’ you apparently love so much and actually enjoy yourself because in the end it was like watching two school girls at a sleepover. You had so much fun you ended up sick and needing to be babied.
Why do I need to even need to say any of this to you? You are the smartest one I’ve found so far, not to mention the most genuine at your core. I think it’s hilarious how you joke ‘why don’t you blog about it’ which would give the impression to most you thought it was ridiculous and a waste of time but I know you will read this. Now although you were very good, you still dropped little snippets of information that one could only have known by reading one or two of these. If you don’t then I guess it’s your loss in the end. Remember when I offered you genuine love and respect as a friend? Well tough love is still love although I don’t think I have been that tough on you here! Better late than never and it’s not going to be easy looking him in the face but even I had to say something the other day to someone making a joke of his situation. I certainly don’t like it when I’m in that position and I’m sure either do you. It’s hard to find good people and better yet good friends so when and where you can grab them and remember to say thanks to them because they deserve it!! They make you a little stronger which can’t be purchased so your theory of money meaning happiness is disproven once again so before you self destruct too badly, putting it bluntly ‘get your shit together and stop proving just how poorly you can do an impression of an idiot who just doesn’t get it and me to be right’! It’s unbecoming of you!
Ok so why am I holding you to a higher standard? Because you’re smarter than your average bear and I know you get it. Nat has never said that about any male to my knowledge before so that probably means something. The pay off for us is that one day I’m sure we all get to find our piece of happiness. We also get to live if we choose to a life without strings. One that is rich and full and most never get to enjoy because they are bound by strings. Right now you are bound by strings by your own self destructive self . Putting it bluntly, you’re not getting any younger and if you want those things you thought you missed out on in this life then wake up to yourself. The way you are going you will be back inside before you know it and at best you may knock up some bimbo along the way but I can tell you from experience, although the child is perfect the way they are having one with someone who is not right can turn catastrophic and completely ruin your life and rob you and your child of many years which can’t be bought or got back. Learn from my mistakes or don’t it’s up to you! I offered you unconditional as a friend but it’s up to you whether you want it or not.
All the best you sweet creature who is stranger than strange who I had Thai from a random food van on the side of a mountain.
Thinking about it now, that van was weird and I’ve never seen anything quite like that? Why did we’re they there so late and why did they seem to pack up and leave after us? I didn’t see anyone else order from them? For some reason it feels like that van was out there for us rather than us stumbling upon it. No it’s nothing like that, it’s almost like this is a ‘Truman Show’ style occurrence which would mean we were purposefully placed in each other’s lives and cutting those strings is infinite!
Why?
I don’t know? I mean I’m good but I don’t know everything!
Anyway I talk too much so I will work on that lol. You need to stop playing a part in your own life and start actually living it. If not then go back to hiding but stop hurting those around you who have the courage to be themselves despite them not being perfect.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 