Day 2,246 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To My Love Part 2

I wrote this yesterday. I don’t think I’m as angry today with you but the fact remains the same. You let me down. The sad fact is days like yesterday happen more often than not these days.

I’ve previously written about loving someone means you have to decide whether the good outweigh the bad but this time I’m not sure they do. Letting go of someone after so long is hard and I often wonder whether it’s a case of me just being so familiar with this person that keeps me from never bothering with him again. Would he allow me to do this much damage?

It’s not a nice feeling and makes it hard when you also question whether that person was ever real in the first place. Maybe just something you made up in your head the entire time because you chose to be blind.

The older I get the less answers I seem to have anymore.

Scott,

You took this photo of us that day. You wanted to remember the exact date and time we finally got together despite our 4 year history.

One very messy morning after a Slipknot concert, in our old room with Spikey photobombing us was the beginning of something special for both of us. At least I thought so.

For the first time I wanted to grow up and I knew I’d found my best friend some days before. You and I had history and to be honest I was never a fan of that version of you. The one I met again that day at Harbour Town stopped me in my tracks. That has only ever happened to me once in this lifetime so far.

The biggest transformation was yours. It was because of you I learned that you can’t change people. If they are going to change they will do that themselves. I watched a career criminal decide to change his life and try something he hadn’t ever done before and you were amazing at it. You know this. Why? Because you wanted to be good enough for me. You saw that despite my past that I had changed my life and wanted to share a life with me.

Fast forward 12 years to today. So it’s been more than a decade and it’s anything but the fairytale ending for us both, or at least our version of a fairytale we planned on it being.

Well you would have got my letter by now? People have tried to convince me you’re not even in there anymore but I know you are, you have to be! You left me out here on my own. You lied to me and I will never forgive you for that. We had history and planned a life but you did what you always do and you were selfish. Yes I have always been the one that was stronger but this time I needed you to be strong for me.

I hate you, really. For hurting me. For making me feel like I was lied to by you! I hate you for being so rude to me and pushing me away. I doubted the beautiful things you ever told me when you got caught in a lie. So now I think no one will ever accept me completely the way you did.

I still love you and probably always will and that makes me hate you even more. I want you to get this in case one day soon I’m no longer me. For now I’m still here but I can feel it slipping away and I’m not sure what will be left soon. I have always been strong but everyone has their breaking point. The difference is I don’t think I will come back once I’m gone.

And for the millionths time is by Coal Chamber, ‘Dark Day’s’ but it’s more of a cruel joke now isn’t it?

I’ve got a new one for you. Alice Ivy, ‘Almost There’.

I hope you’re enjoying your stay! What is this number 7? Get you’re shit together, you’re better than this!!

Lots of love

Miss Webb

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Day 2,207 Of Domestic Violence – Don’t Be That Guy!

What is friendship? It should mean caring and understanding for someone outside your family circle. In a sense the creation of an extended family. The beautiful thing is you get to enjoy the highs and lows of someone’s life, such as their kids growing up with yours and as it is a relationship by choice rather than blood it can be very much a better fit than the ones forced upon you by birth.

I lost a very good friend about 2 years ago after over 20 years friendship. While we weren’t always joined at the hip and did spend periods in different friendship circles we managed to always gravitate back towards each other. From best friends in year 3 and sleeping over at each other’s house every week end to becoming mothers of our first children the same year. This I’m not going to touch on as it is a painful reminder.

So if we gravitate back towards each other then why do I talk about her like it’s final? Well when my life fell apart in 2016, I’m sure I was painful and hearing about it all the time was hard work but she chose to turn a blind eye and sadly I haven’t heard from her since. I did see her at the shopping centre where she worked on her lunch break at one point. I drew a line in the sand when she almost waked straight through me as I tried to say hi.

I like to think I am a realistic person at the end of the day. I feel my ability to be understanding of others and the world around me is pretty fair. I get that she had her own life and I’m not expecting anything really other than maybe just for her to say ‘oh hi’ that day. Or just a text every couple of months to say ‘love you and thinking about you’. While it’s easy to be a new friend keeping long-standing friendships is hard. I have a couple of special friends who do this and even though I usually steer away from naming people I think these ones deserve to know how much good their little bit of love does in keeping me on track!

So to my very dear and longtime friends, Mandy and Kristy!! I am forever grateful for your messages every couple of months and I love you guys. This is a rough journey forever made that little bit easier thanks to you guys! I hope to repay the favour or at least live up to the very high standard you’ve set! I hope you and your beautiful little families are doing ok and I can’t wait to get back to fun times watching our kids play together again.

So when it comes to being a friend? Have I always been the best example? Probably not. I have from time to time maybe been someone I couldn’t consider worthy of being on the list next to the above two names but in all honesty I’ve probably dropped the ball more times than not. That doesn’t dishearten me or make me want to just give up! It certainly doesn’t make me want to set out to screw a friend over or anyone who doesn’t at least deserve it! You know who you are. Part of me feels responsible for bringing you two together that day. I have already made the comment to you ‘you don’t even do a good job at being an a#*hole because your response is still, no matter how hard you try understanding and caring’. Right now you are playing a character you and I both know is not the real you.

I’m not going to take back the last thing I wrote because I still believe it to be true. People make mistakes, in the end it’s what you do about it. While this was not really a ‘thing’ and I’m not hurt or upset as a friend can I tell you, dick move dude! Bicycles shouldn’t be ridden by that many people! I mean who am I to point finders? I feel like I try and have a little bit of class, this is why I pay my way and believe I should be able to support myself. I don’t know if I could live with myself or at least respect myself if people spoke about me that way.

In retrospect he was more ‘real’ than you were. Despite his life being in a really shitty position at the time which I’m guessing has become a little harder now he at least had a grasp on reality and the world around him. He also had a healthier self worth than you obviously do because he did not need the ‘hero’ statements or the bullshit glossed over crap that falls out of your mouth from time to time. Don’t get me wrong I get why it exists but you don’t need to hurt others because you obviously want to punish yourself. He is brave enough to say ‘here’s me, flaws and all’ which in reality tells me he is so much further in the right direction when it comes to ‘healthy self esteem and self worth’. I don’t think he has much to be jealous of at this point, maybe it’s you who should be jealous of him.

In the end I’d be more like him than you. The saddest part is and I don’t know if you’ve noticed it but I’m guessing he doesn’t let people in very often. He seems quiet and reserved most of the time, almost like there’s not much going on at all with him but if you dig even just the smallest bit you find someone who is weird, funny, smart as hell, kind and would have your back in a second. All it seems he asks for is that you don’t screw him over and maybe just be a genuine person! At the same time he seems lost and disheartened but not sufficiently broken that he has turned into what I describe an ‘aberration’ with behaviours similar to the ones you appear to be displaying. They are all consuming, soul destroying creatures who are incapable of ever feeling any genuine human connection. Much like the one you have found yourself shacked up with at present and one that sadly appears to have done a number on his life for sometime now. While I didn’t know him all that long he did become extremely open and real with me almost immediately and it’s not something I take lightly. These things can be lost in people and never return so they need for them to be treated with the up most respect.

When we were with you that day, I noticed him a couple of times look over at me like he was uneasy but glad I was there to have his back. For all that he is and what he himself is capable of it’s a pretty devastating realisation that something as simple as the ‘human condition’ can turn a person ordinarily seen as terrifying into someone who almost feels safer having a tiny 5’5″ girl in a situation to have his back. Realistically what can I do? Other than actually have his back?

Well in the interest of practicing what I preach I felt the need to write this. You know what you are doing is pretty low so I’m guessing that’s why you are in a sense hiding? Yes this is my platform but it seems like the best way to have a message reach you because I know you read these.

So what to say? You know already though. That’s the saddest part. Having to explain it or better yet say it out load like you are an idiot isn’t pleasurable for me in the slightest. I don’t enjoy treating people I care about like morons but right now that’s how you’re acting. Most people turn a blind eye to almost anything. I am not one of those people.

I know you get it and your attempt at ‘destroying your life’ because you don’t think you deserve anything good is probably a waste of time maybe? It would be a shame if you lost anymore time not being ok with you because I know you are! You’re a pussy who is just too scared to do it because you care too much about what others think. Now I know you don’t have what a lot of them have and that is a need to be a ‘hero’. You do genuinely care about people and I’d like to believe you genuinely care about me. Despite it feeling like I was making a fool of myself because I’m not your typical female, I’m going to turn up and make a scene thinking that will win your heart. In reality it you want to act that way I don’t particularly want to waste my time with you. I genuinely know what I’m worth and it’s not to waste my time of someone that behaves the way you do. I’m not afraid to say it as I don’t care who it is or how it looks because just like the girl who yelled at you and you followed around like a lost puppy the first time you met her I will stand up for myself and put you in your place when you need it. I did turn up to the shed because I do have a genuine concern about something and not sure where to go. You told me to do that if I needed and I believed that! Like I said I don’t ask for help very often. This is not one I can use my powers on and no it’s not my doing. This concerns two people trying to make their lives better but an outside force who was set to oppress one of them and stomp the other one out for helping him because he does not want to let go. I emphasise the fact that safety is of the up most importance.

I know you saw me and that’s probably why you ran off like a coward. The young guy in the car was my brother and even he said ‘you looked scary but you were still very nice’ so it’s not just me who sees the truth. Her on the other hand he described as more of a banshee so let’s ask ourselves, ‘what’s the pay off?’. Is the need to destroy your life that great?

If and when you run into each other again can you look him in the eye knowing what you did? Say what you want but I witnessed both of you choose to switch off from the outside world, forfeiting that so called ‘money’ you apparently love so much and actually enjoy yourself because in the end it was like watching two school girls at a sleepover. You had so much fun you ended up sick and needing to be babied.

Why do I need to even need to say any of this to you? You are the smartest one I’ve found so far, not to mention the most genuine at your core. I think it’s hilarious how you joke ‘why don’t you blog about it’ which would give the impression to most you thought it was ridiculous and a waste of time but I know you will read this. Now although you were very good, you still dropped little snippets of information that one could only have known by reading one or two of these. If you don’t then I guess it’s your loss in the end. Remember when I offered you genuine love and respect as a friend? Well tough love is still love although I don’t think I have been that tough on you here! Better late than never and it’s not going to be easy looking him in the face but even I had to say something the other day to someone making a joke of his situation. I certainly don’t like it when I’m in that position and I’m sure either do you. It’s hard to find good people and better yet good friends so when and where you can grab them and remember to say thanks to them because they deserve it!! They make you a little stronger which can’t be purchased so your theory of money meaning happiness is disproven once again so before you self destruct too badly, putting it bluntly ‘get your shit together and stop proving just how poorly you can do an impression of an idiot who just doesn’t get it and me to be right’! It’s unbecoming of you!

Ok so why am I holding you to a higher standard? Because you’re smarter than your average bear and I know you get it. Nat has never said that about any male to my knowledge before so that probably means something. The pay off for us is that one day I’m sure we all get to find our piece of happiness. We also get to live if we choose to a life without strings. One that is rich and full and most never get to enjoy because they are bound by strings. Right now you are bound by strings by your own self destructive self . Putting it bluntly, you’re not getting any younger and if you want those things you thought you missed out on in this life then wake up to yourself. The way you are going you will be back inside before you know it and at best you may knock up some bimbo along the way but I can tell you from experience, although the child is perfect the way they are having one with someone who is not right can turn catastrophic and completely ruin your life and rob you and your child of many years which can’t be bought or got back. Learn from my mistakes or don’t it’s up to you! I offered you unconditional as a friend but it’s up to you whether you want it or not.

All the best you sweet creature who is stranger than strange who I had Thai from a random food van on the side of a mountain.

Thinking about it now, that van was weird and I’ve never seen anything quite like that? Why did we’re they there so late and why did they seem to pack up and leave after us? I didn’t see anyone else order from them? For some reason it feels like that van was out there for us rather than us stumbling upon it. No it’s nothing like that, it’s almost like this is a ‘Truman Show’ style occurrence which would mean we were purposefully placed in each other’s lives and cutting those strings is infinite!

Why?

I don’t know? I mean I’m good but I don’t know everything!

Anyway I talk too much so I will work on that lol. You need to stop playing a part in your own life and start actually living it. If not then go back to hiding but stop hurting those around you who have the courage to be themselves despite them not being perfect.

Domestic Violence ‘it’s not a male dominated sport’

Day 1,188 Of Domestic Violence – Letter To D – Why I’m Not Like All The Other Little Girls

I often wonder what my full potential might have been. How life might have looked had I not being a child of domestic violence. My first memory being about 3 years old. It was very early in the morning and as my father was a truck driver so he left for work early. I can remember poking my head around the corner and him screaming at my mother. I don’t remember what it was about because let’s face it I was 3 but after a lifetime of him being my father I can tell you that it could be about anything. He is not a very nice man who I’ve always been scared of. Anything and everything set him off, it didn’t really matter. It’s simply the case of a man who is so miserable about his life and I’m guessing who he is as a person that the world is punished for that.

I started standing up for myself not long after I had my son. Our relationship was never the same from then on and to be honest probably improved as a result. I think maybe he gained a little bit of respect for me but at the same time we worked together so when my son was about 2 it blew up in a massive way but after a few months started talking again.

I remember the day my son was taken by my mother as retaliation for a domestic violence order. Hows this for a glowing review, she not only stole my son illegally but she waited until the night before I had an operation for cervical cancer to send me paperwork. When I called her she said ‘I just wanted to make sure you had a good day tomorrow’ meaning my surgery that she was refusing to let me see my son before even though I expressed to her that I was so stressed not knowing where my son was I was afraid I wasn’t going to come out of the surgery. She could have cared less and refused to let my ex partner take my son to see me at the hospital. This is I had just taken the order out against. He ignored her and I got to see my boy so I am grateful to him for that but how is it that a violent man who terrorised me for months has more of a heart than my own mother? Mother of the fucking year!

Anyway back to the day my son was taken I went to my fathers place noticeably upset. I was trying to use the computer when I was told to ‘shut the fuck up it’s just a kid’. I turned and rushed towards him screaming at him knowing that’s all I obviously meant to him growing up ‘just a fucking kid’. He threw me across the room, grabbed all of my paperwork and threw it across the room at me. I got straight up and got but a centimetre from his face and said ‘and that’s why I let men hit me’ and then walked out. Since then things never being the same. I torment that man sometimes now when I’ve had a bad day to the point he has moved and no one will tell me where for fear of what I will do. He lives a miserable existence I’m guessing now. I will never in my life have him around to cause any more damage. He has already done enough to last a lifetime.

I have been criticised for my use of drugs in the past. I was in fairly hot water when I was 19 years old in particular. The truth is that the alternative is worse. Drugs I know are not helpful to the overall outcome. Drugs are not why I am here. Not being able to deal with the brokenness inside me drove me there. Drugs just being the temporary ‘Bandaid’ solution to them.

The following has always made me smile though. Now it has been known by my family especially my own mother who seems to think she is the pillar of all things good and pure in this world, that my father was in fact one of the biggest growers of marijuana and suppliers in our home of Redcliffe and was I’m guessing since I was about 10ish. So over 20 years. My argument has always been that had there not been people like me ‘users’ then there would be no use for him and his mass production of illegal substances. It was so big that when he eventually decided to give it up the dumping of all the evidence even reached news worthy status. ‘Illegal dumping of marijuana waste and grow room products on Brisbane’s North In 2011’.

Sorry but if we are going to be honest and point fingers then let’s all get our skeletons out shall we?

What if you received a random message from a mother through your blog one day? What if this contained a letter written by her daughter aged under 12 years old but reading as if you could have written it yourself?

“Hello .

You dont know my name ,but you can call me D.

Im under the age of 12 .

I am a victim of Domestic Violence perpetrated by my dad.

I have been a victim since l was 4.

My greatest fear is that one day my dad might hurt me that badly that l wont ever be the same or maybe he will hurt me so badly that l will die and go to heaven before my time .

My dad barely calls me by my name ,its buddy when he is being nice ,but when he is not most of the time l am a c@%$,slut,dog,bitch,idiot,dumb,whore,hairy f@%.

He tells me he is going to cave my skull in,smash my head in ,spitting on my face and saying with his face so red pushing his head into mine with his fist punching into his hand you know l hate your mum,l want you to know lm going to kill her one day. .

I feel scared ,alone and sad .l am used to my dad hurting me .

I am used to seeing him being nice to everyone else but different to me .

I am used to being afraid but the same time l love him.

I am used to him hurting me because thats all he knows now.

Im used to him pulling my ears so hard they become red and swollen and sometimes bruised and he has pulled them for so long they stick out.

I am used to him ripping my hair and slapping my face .

I am used to him throwing me into a couch or the floor or in a shower or into a wall.

Im used to him pushing me against a wall with his hands around my neck and squeezing my thoat the last 3 times.

Im used to him bending back my fingers or standing on my foot.

Im used to him punching and slapping the back of my head or poking his fingers into my neck.

I am used to him pushing my head into the passenger car window .

I have watched my dogs die because of my dad.

I watched my dad grab my puppy and throw it into my mums face

I am used to him screaming in my face so badly my body and hands shake.

I am used to walking in a busy shopping center with my dad grabbing the back of my neck so hard and pushing me through the center and looking at people wishing one person would say are you okay and no one does.

Im used to pretending lm okay.

Im used to crying myself to sleep some nights just wishing we had a normal life.

Im used to people seeing my dad drive so fast in the car and yelling at me and people looking at lights but no one says anything .

I am used to the world walking by even when lm scared l might die and not doing anything.

Im scared that he will kill my mum one day.

I am used to him blaming me for everything when it isn’t my fault.

I am used to him being so nice to everyone else but not me.

I am used to him being the nicest person you can meet but he isnt like that behind closed doors and in secret.

I am.used to him lying about hurting me.

I used to protecting him by lying only to watch my dad get worse.

I am used to him going to so many groups but never changing .

I am used to my mum trying to protect me but not knowing how anymore.

This is my life .

I cant run and l cant hide.

There is no one that cares.

There is no one to help us and no one to hear our cries.

My mum has bad anxiety and protects me as much as she can but we are alone .

My mum is always sad .

I am always sad and anxious.

My dog is my best friend .

The people that are suppose to help, just dont and the police try hard but it makes my dad angrier.

I have one dream and that is to have a normal life,l am.not even 12 and worry all the time there is no peace in my mind.

I want my dad to get better but l know he never will.

I want to never be afraid of anything again.

I want us to have friends and place where l can feel safe .

I want my dad to be normal.

I want to live my life ,l want my mum to grow old with me.

I want to sleep through the night.

I want the bad dreams to stop.

I dont want to be scared of noises in the night and always be frightened .

I dont want to die .

I hope that some will look at my life and help me and my mum.

I hope someone will stop and listen before l might be gone .

I hope kids like me can one day stop being so afraid but its hard when you have no one.

Who will stop and listen to me .

Who will stop and listen to my mum.

My mum was just like me until she left my dad and now l am like my mum because everyone says my dad loves me but l dont think my dad does because we never hurt those we love.

I want to tell all the other kids out there to just hang on and dont give up no matter how hard it is because we are strong but it doesnt mean we have to be silent any longer.

I hope someone out there can hear me and will help me and my mum and just in case l cant get any help ,if anyone hurts you its not ever okay ,just run as fast as you can ,never just walk away thinking everything will change and be be okay the next day.

D.”

My reply;

Dearest D

Hi sweetheart! Now although your letter is devastatingly sad I can see that you are probably a future writer like me. When I was in high school my English teacher told me I would be a writer. I didn’t think too much if it at the time but here I am.

I’m guessing the letter wasn’t written especially for me but it did reach me. Reading it touched me in a way you could not imagine in your less than 12 years of life. I could swear that I wrote that when I was a kid.

My life has also been touched by domestic violence. I suffered through it as a child and sadly as it was familiar it also became the relationships I found for myself as a grown up. It breaks my heart because I read your letter and wonder what I could have been like had I not had this barrier in place. One I didn’t see until a few years ago. How do I help? Well I’m not sure as only time will tell. I can though share with you my experiences and all that I have learnt so that maybe when you are my age you have spent more time living your own life and not one chosen by others.

I would love to have you write a book for schools using your story as the example. Maybe together helping others is the way we mend our broken selves and prevent others from experience similar things to us?

My favourite saying is “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Dr Seuss.”

All I need you to know for now is that this is not your fault and you are not the reason your father is this way. Nothing you could have ever done could make him act this way. He doesn’t do it because when he was a little boy he decided this is where he wanted to end up. He too may have suffered similar things during his childhood? The only thing you can do right now is make sure that you realise that this is not because of you and that you have the power to stop it from continuing. Meaning that when you have your children that you not continue the behaviour your dad is displaying towards you.

Your mum loves you and is doing her best. Sadly the system and a whole bunch of other things work against us. Unfortunately you will find in life that some things are just not fair and no one really listens.

Your mum has reached out to me and maybe together, using stories like yours we can show that domestic violence is alive and well. As long as people who can make a difference put their head in the sand it will continue.

Your letter and your story will be hard for them to ignore and I’m so very sorry honey and maybe we can make the difference.

I will never forget your letter and never forget you I promise.

Please hang in there and let’s stay in touch, maybe you can write some more to me if you want? I know I’d love to hear how things are going.

Lots of love

Carly

XoXo

Day 1,187 Of Domestic Violence – Lie To Me

I often wonder what it is about the masses and their need to lie to each other. To make up stories and better yet lie to themselves. Is it really that hard to own up to your shit? I know I’m not perfect but I do try to be as honest with the rest of the world and most importantly myself.

Life seems to me more than not filled with one liner crap that is both not helpful and to me patronising. ‘Be the bigger person’, ‘enjoy the little things’, ‘follow your dreams’, ‘two birds in a bush’ and the list honestly goes on. How about ‘bored of being bored because being bored is boring’. There you go now life all fixed. No? Why not? I thought saying generic crap just fixed everything? Like ‘why didn’t you just leave your abusive partner’. Wow thanks that’s where I went wrong ‘I baked him a cake instead hoping he’d stop physically, verbally, emotionally abusing me and destroying anything and everything he could in an attempt to exhaust me and drive me to the brink of mental breakdown so that I would stay in the relationships and endure more torture because he get off on that shit’. Sometimes life isn’t black and white. Sometimes people have a shitty day and have the right to feel like they have been treated unfairly. Sometimes they are just venting and not looking for a hero so can we all listen a bit more and suggest shitty obvious answers a bit less? Is this why we give up on relationships so easily? The honeymoon period is over and things get tough? It’s a fact of life and I think we throw people away too easily.

I want to find another human who is simply just a nice person, confident in themselves (in a healthy way), independent and will stand beside me and support me when I need it and for me to do the same. The biggest things in this life that make me furious and are an absolute dealbreaker are liars, cheats and people who will step on others to get what they want. I never thought it would be this difficult.

Now I am human which means I am not perfect. ‘I have never been exactly this old before so give me a break because I’m doing it all for the first time’. I mess up and I can’t expect to be justified in feeling wronged if I can’t first admit that I have, whether on purpose or not wrongs someone before. Otherwise we are all right but we are all wrong and let’s face it it’s not working currently is it?

Sometimes I snap and overreact to situations. Sometimes I just take things out on the wrong people because the right ones are not around to feel my frustration. I’m sure that everyday I make a mistake and I hope that I at least own up to it, especially if it effected someone around me I cared about.

Since when did it suddenly become ok to do just about anything we want, right or wrong as long as you lie about it and that lie sticks? It’s ridiculous really, I’ve heard some top shelf ones including, ‘have you ever heard of Bowen Hills Liam?’. I had to ask this ‘dickhead’, ‘did you actually just say a suburb followed by your name?’. The answer is yes. Wow! He also told me his mother was a prostitute who lived in Central Australia and dying of cancer. He told me how he grew up in the streets, doing it tough amongst other things. Turns out 2 years ago ‘Bowen Hills Liam’ was happy and healthy, play fighting with his siblings in a delightful photo on his happy and healthy mothers Facebook page. He had no tattoos, his mother did not look like a prostitute and she wasn’t in Central Australia dying at all. What do I say to that? Seriously if I told a story like that and people found out I’d move countries. I would be mortified beyond belief but here he was casually strolling around pretending everyone didn’t notice. I’m sorry but what the fuck? His mother was in his friends list so he didn’t hide her too well. I still tell that story because I can’t even believe it happened it’s so stupid!

This is what I mean. Why the hell do people make up these crazy stories and think no one noticed it wasn’t true?

Why are we all lying to ourselves so much though? Do these people actually believe their own stories in the end? Is this where it’s going wrong. Kinda ‘fake it till you make it’ but on steroids. Don’t you want to live an honest life or at least live one we want to share because we are proud of who and what we have become? If not, doesn’t that just make us our own puppets in our own pretend Hollywood blockbusters lives we’ve made up because it sounds better than our actual life, you know the one we’ve actually lived.

So when it comes to teaching children about domestic violence I’ve been hit with comments like ‘oh no, year one is way too young to be talking to them about that’. This concept completely perplexes me as I am not sure if people realise that some kids in year one actually live in a domestically violent environment and have never known any different. Does that mean a lot of people don’t believe the existence of domestic violence or is it that not until we are 18 that we can become potentially susceptible to it?

Ok let’s stick our heads in the sand then shall we. It’s not working the way it is now why the hell should we try something new?

How about if trying this way doesn’t work we can go back to the way it isn’t currently working and we will be no worse off?

Why can’t we help educate children as early as year one as to what a domestic violence situation looks like? Don’t you think that getting to them as early as possible and educating them about how what they are experiencing at home is not a healthy way to live? Who knows maybe they will speak up and intervention and/or help for mum or dad might begin sooner and save a hell of a lot of trauma and future broken adults abusing substance, self medicating and generally having poor self worth due to an entire childhood of trauma and abuse?

Food for thought I guess.

I am not ashamed of what I’ve been through but it certainly won’t define me.

So to all those liars out there. It is not glazed over when you are caught out. You look stupid! It does not excuse shitty behaviour and it certainly doesn’t make it ok.

Love your life and be proud of the decisions you make and the person you are.

Anything less is a waste of everyone’s time.

Day 2,186 Of Domestic Violence – Friday 18th January 2019

Friday 18th January 2019. I want to remember this date. Why? Because today was a really good day! Today was the first time I consciously acknowledge that my life had turned a corner. Whether it has been happening for a while now and I’m only realising it now or maybe it was a phone call with someone from my past that did it, I’m not sure?

Although I don’t have my son back yet I do have some supportive and loving people in my life which I have been lacking for quite sometime. There’s my gorgeous little roomie whom I spent the morning pottering around the house with and chatting about anything and everything. Two amazing friends at the Gold Coast who always make sure I’m fed and have somewhere to stay, not to mention helping me with my books. I went on a ‘kinda date’ last night with someone who is hilariously funny. It’s hard to tell who’s addicted to ‘making it awkwardly uncomfortable’ more, him or I? But he did take me to see the most amazing $17 rainbow and blushed a lot and called me weird ha ha, it was very nice! Someone told me I need to get used to people being nice to me! I’m pretty sure he is a nice one so that’s a weird feeling for me to experience. Nevertheless this weird chick had fun!

I also have other some other people who have been amazing. I will name them because they are the ones that keep me going & have helped out when I desperately needed them, Clint, Mandy, my amazing godfather Petro, Tracy, Phil, Bull, Brendan, Boz, William, John, Karen, Jarrod, Queenie, Alex and a few others.

Finally and this being the one that made me realise the shift in my life. It was a phone call from someone I’ve known almost my entire life. Someone who was probably supposed to be my best friend and not an enemy. Listening to this person talk I realised we are nearly exactly the same. Almost like we were meant to be twins. This person was also set up and sabotaged by their darling mother their entire life too. Knowing that I’m not alone is an amazing feeling. Also proud that despite our terrible mothers who have set us up and the horrors we have endured, fuck we are strong and a lot of people wouldn’t have made it this far so we should be proud!

Although this process hasn’t always been glamorous it has at least been real. In my upcoming family court trial I can at least rest easy knowing I have no skeletons in my closet. I am supposed to take down a video I made which have photos of my son in it but no I won’t. The video is all real and a depiction of some of the ‘not so nice’ moments over the past few years. If anyone can prove that any of it is untrue or made up by me then I will take it down. Until then no I won’t be swept under the rug because it doesn’t look good or makes you uncomfortable. I lived it, how about you try it sometime and then tell me if you’re angry. ‘I am what I am’ and that is a good person, amazing mother and worth so much more that you think I deserve.

Who are you?

Well I’m referring to you mother! I know you will be reading this. You read them all don’t you? Well I promise you the world will see you for what you are. That is a nasty, manipulative, neglectful control freak who has spent her children’s entire lifetimes setting them up to fail and then publicly humiliating them so you can play the victim of your children. You don’t try at all where were you while I raised myself and younger sister? That’s right making sure the world thinks you’re an angle!! I often wonder who I could have become or what I could have achieved had I not had to endure a miserable existence with you as a mother and that vile emotionless and abusive man I’m supposed to call my father. What makes you think you could raise my son any better? I will tell you that you got one thing right and that was marrying a man who you never loved let’s face it. He was a cash cow for your but the best father I could have asked for.

You do realise he is my son? You don’t even talk to him about me as his mother, just about me as a child. HE IS MY SON and not yours. I will never forgive you for this. I was a good mother and you know it! I learnt from your mistakes already and you will see that in the end you are alone while I am closer than you and I have ever been to my son.

You will be seeing me soon.

Day 2,181 Of Domestic Violence – I Hate Everything About You

Honesty. Just a word it seems.

Why is it that being possibly the most understanding person after the fact, I am also lied to so often and so blatantly. Do I have fuckwit plastered on my forehead?

To you all I have to say is, just as quickly as we fell in love, I fell out of that love with you. I’m the asshole? You paraded me in front of them and laughed at me like I was nothing. I at least waiting till we were over and didn’t rub your face in it. No nastiness on my end, I was honest about my wrongdoings. Instead of honesty I get the following….

You could have done better than me? You lowered your standards to be with me because you thought I was a nice person? You wish you cheated on me now?

Do you know what I have to say? Thank you, good bye and best of luck. You see I don’t need you to be whole. You will see me again one day and on that day you will, if you haven’t already started to regret everything you ever did and from the depths of your soul hate yourself for letting me go.

It’s a shame really because everything you said you wanted I would have done. You are a monster it seems but what makes me even more curious is the fact that it’s not the first time I’ve found such a creature like you. How is it that someone can find the most narcissistic of invertebrate to have walked this earth. Then let them close so they can damage me at my core. How is it you could cause me to even go as far as questioning my gut and whether I’m just so broken these days and can’t tell black from white, up from down?

Although I thought this would be what finally broke me has completely surprised me. I’m actually stronger than ever before.

In the end I will make it. I may be 33 and damaged as hell but it seems what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

To you. Good bye. I won’t forget the times we had and I hope you get it together one day if not for yourself then for your son who deserves something better.

Lots of love

Carly