It’s the question or at least a possible answer to a long standing mystery in my life.
Why is it so easy to fall in love with me but I’m always passed over in the end? Why do I never get a happy ending?
Look I have my issues which can consume me from time to time. One of my biggest flaws is my inability to deal with it in a healthy way sometimes or make people aware it’s creeping up and about to explode.
Someone recently told me it was because of a suicidal moment, amongst other things. The truth is since she took my son I’ve been teetering on the edge and some days I tip over that edge. Coupled with the humiliation they seem to thrive on and the power they are so obviously drunk on I truly feel like I’ve lost half of my soul in losing my son. A huge part of what I do and the thousands of unfinished tasks I seem to be doing all at once in a scattered mess, this is me distracting myself from the reality. A reality that if I stay in for too long can become too much. Suddenly I just want to stop the pain. I want so much to be here for my son in the end but it hurts. The biggest reason is seeing the effects and obvious signs that my son is being punished simply for loving me by those who are surrounding him right now.
A lot of this is still a mystery to me for the most part. I’m still learning about myself and how my ‘devil’ works. My devil being my unconscious self. They say ‘the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people he doesn’t exist’. Well I’m convinced ‘the devil’ is our unconscious self. That is the quiet voice in the back of our minds telling us all those things we want so desperately not to be true. The one from our childhood saying we are not worth someone loving us, that we are unattractive etc. The message is different for us all. Maybe it has the voice of our father or someone who has damaged us in someway. It’s the one who sets us up to fail time and time again even though the load voice we think is in charge tells us we’ve worked the issue out and not going to let the negative message rule us anymore. Sadly the voice we think is in charge has no power and is nothing but a passenger or puppet in the devils show which is our own lives. This might be the reason I find myself in domestically violent relationships time and time again. The truth is it’s all me and I’m seeking them out meticulously. It’s no strange dark cloud or bad luck, simply it’s me.
One other reason I think it never works for me is the fact I’m independent. Not in all instances but for a lot of men the fact that I can look after myself is a tough pill to swallow. I have found myself in many instances scratching my head saying ‘but she is pathetic, she just called saying she’s hungry’. My initial thought is ‘if you & your children need to eat then steal the food’. Not that it’s the best advice as technically it’s a crime but if it came to my son starving or needing medical attention there’s not really any obstacles that I wouldn’t overcome. They often say ‘I’m no good at stealing anything, I’d get caught’ but if your child is hungry how do you not make it so that you don’t get caught.
Now who is ‘she’?
She is the woman they choose over me. You see in 99% of cases I find myself cheated on which has not done wonders for my head. It’s made me paranoid at times to begin with. Now I know I am ‘one in a million’ and I know I’m a hell of a lot better when it comes to most girlfriends. I’m not perfect though I know this but I’m funny, I’m spontaneous, I’m laid-back and fun but at my core I am honest, sweet, loving and worth so much of someone’s time. Now I know this and I expect to be treated with respect. The issue is that when it happens time and time again it causes me to start thinking ‘Why do I bother believing this about myself because it’s never proven to be true’. Sometimes I ask myself ‘How is it you still have hope? Do you enjoy the pain or something? How have you not lost all hope by now’. This voice I hope more than anything doesn’t take over and start being my new inner dialogue. This used to be the negative voice I listened to a lot. It was hard for me to decide I’d stop hating on the myself and with that came more understanding of people, the ability to instead of negativity effecting other woman I came into contact with and adopting the practice of trying to say one positive and true comment to another female a day as we often can do more damage than any man could ever do to each other.
In the end I wouldn’t change a thing and find myself grateful for all of my trauma. I now see a positive side to this horrible separation from my son as it has opened my eyes so much. It showed me just how much I was never really in control of my life before. It gave me a totally different direction for my life and the work I want to do. I have changes my style, the way my house looks, my hair and probably a lot I haven’t realised yet.
To the guy who gave me a little bit more insight into myself last night, thank you for your honest and brutal opinion. You have been the subject of previous blogs and I believe it was called ‘stupid boys’. It starts out by saying ‘What if you suddenly met one that didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear or at least what they thought you wanted to hear? One that for no reason just helped you out. It didn’t come with a ‘now you’ve got an (insert name) in your life’ trying to have you believe that meant suddenly you could breathe easy but in reality the moment you ask for a hand, they’ve dropped off the face of the earth. One that treated you with respect and was kind.’
It’s funny how those things go? I find myself almost saying the same thing about you again.
Also thank you for your sincere apology for the mistakes you made. Neither of us were perfect to say the least but unfortunately we were not strong in ourselves. I don’t believe either of us meant it to become so nasty. I did have a wonderful time with you and maybe if it was another space and time it may have worked out. You mentioned that photo? Well I have occasionally looked at it with a smile. I appreciate that you picked up on my love of beautiful serene places. It was a beautiful peaceful afternoon as the sun went down and one of those memories I will keep with me forever.
Now that you are back, I hope you get this burst of playful energy out of your system in one piece. While happiness never meant we had to be together this is all I have ever wanted for you. I want to see you in a better position so that you can have those things you treasure close to you again. Remember you can’t change the past but you can prevent the future from getting any worse. You are not a terrible person so don’t apologise to them like that, ‘we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain’ and if you can be honest with them they can learn so much from your struggle and pain which will equip them to enter the world one day a little more worldly than they previously were.
Can’t wait to catch up for that hug you and I both know won’t be so horrible in the end.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 