It’s indicative of human nature to have a common enemy it seems. A scapegoat. That person that all the little, unsure and broken creatures who let’s face it have poor self esteem and zero regard for a person’s feelings. They band together and point fingers at someone who generally is on their own simply because for a moment it takes the focus off them and how apparent it is that they are in fact the ones who don’t like themselves. The term ‘human nature’ in itself is slightly controversial because it is disputed whether or not such an essence exists I guess.
It’s been a little while since I wrote one of these and to be honest this moment is my favorite. It’s the moment in time I go from utterly broken and so fragile that the thought of going on seems impossible. Suddenly the realisation that this person in fact does not care for me whatsoever. I find that the initial reaction of hopelessness stems from the devastating question I very often am left to internalise, “How could you do that to someone you love?”. I’ve often said of all the damage done to me by the ‘Devil himself’, the lasting effects don’t stem from any of his actions. They are caused by the damage done by the people in my life I believed cared for me and loved me. I can withstand what seems some days feel like enough trauma to last 10 lifetimes. I am kind of the black cat of human trauma it seems but don’t get me wrong I am not here to gain sympathy. In a way I see it as, better me than someone who may not be able to handle some atrocities that are perpetrated by the human form. Here is what makes me a little different to most people. I am ok with myself at the end of the day. Love me or hate me I really could care less and unless I give a shit about you in some way or I truly believe something to be true about myself then your words are just that. Mostly uneducated mouth breathing but in the end thank you for taking the time to attempt at dragging me down to your level of self loathing but more often than not it’s a wasted and failed attempt. On the bright side I guess I am still relevant it seems.
To those of you lately who have tricked me for a short term into thinking I matter to you, I wish you the best in life. Please hear this though, it will be a life where I do not exist within your space though because just like I treasure every moment in this life, my time is just as valuable as yours. Unfortunately you have shown me little regard and at a time in my life where I am most vulnerable but remember for the most part I carried you. Yes it’s a fact that I blindly walk into traps in life and yes I get my heart broken time and time again but I would rather be me than be you. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, I just don’t ever want to be a person who would intentionally damage someone who did not deserve it for no other reason than it made me feel for a moment. I am proud of myself for being a person who despite what has happened to me still gives people a go and hasn’t given up hope that one day she will meet another creature such as myself who isn’t so damaged that they now enjoy inflicting that pain on others. Someone who when I lay my head down at night has my back just as I have theirs. Someone who makes it easier to breathe.
So today being Monday 23rd of March 2020 is looking a little brighter than I originally anticipated. I am off for an early morning swim at my ‘secret swimming pool’ with my very favorite adopted father Philip who for some time now has given me the love I have missed out on from my father unfortunately for a lifetime.
Thanks Dad! You make it a little easier to be me and keep going someday’s. It’s simply a result of you being there for me with love and care. I’m gonna miss you more than you will ever know but in the end I will be ok and a lot of that credit can go to you so thank you. Thank you for taking this what seems unlovable creature and helping to make her whole.
DIARIES FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 